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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to plan our wedding but not tell future husband?

90 replies

Crazyone84 · 08/03/2022 16:06

Bit of background, we have been together 14+ years, mortgage, dog, baby. We both were never really for a wedding and marriage, just not what we wanted.

Last year following birth of baby and mother in law passing suddenly this left my other half (technically) with no next of kin. (We have legal documents written up for mortgage and pensions etc but have heard it is still pretty difficult if something were to happen to either of us)

Anyway last year he proposed to me, all very low key and no big show or announcement, more so just for us. Since then we haven't really planned anything or even set a date. We are both pretty relaxed about it. One thing that has come up is we have talked about going to Vegas for a few days, getting married then coming home, sorted!

We both love each other and share our lives but feel that marriage would be a big legal formality for us to feel more comfortable if the worse were to happen.

Now this maybe me being a cheapskate but I have BA vouchers from a cancelled NYC trip with the girls from covid lock down.

AIBU to secretly book a 4 day trip to Vegas for us to get married and tell him a few days before?

It kinda just gets it done and we won't have the months planning and people trying to do stuff for us which we would appreciate but just don't want the fuss.

We could always have a party once we get back for celebrate with friends and family.

OP posts:
Rewis · 08/03/2022 17:20

If you know he would love it then go for it. But it sounds like you are not confident he will lovemit since you are asking here? If uiu are not 100% sure then tell him and not to anyone else.

My partner organising a wedding without telling me would be a terrible surprise. But he knows not to do that. You're only one who knows if he will love it.

2bazookas · 08/03/2022 17:24

That is sneaky backdoor manipulation, no way for two adults to arrange a lifetime commitment that's supposed to be based on love, trust, respect, sharing.

If you want legal protection with minimum fuss, get married in the local registry office then make Wills.

whatstheteamarie · 08/03/2022 17:26

Talk to him first.

Be aware you need to sort your Clark County License documents before the wedding, so allow time for that (all the tv/movie scenes where they just stumble into a chapel and get married are false).

You also need to register your marriage in the UK when you return, so get a couple of copies of your wedding certificate.

Other than that do it, you'll have a blast!

ToiletPoster · 08/03/2022 17:27

A marriage is never going to be a "fun surprise". Your odds of success will increase exponentially if you bring a shotgun with you?

If he's a procrastinator, surely you'd just tell him your idea and go ahead with planning if he's happy with it?

speakout · 08/03/2022 17:29

Sorry OP that would freak me out.

Gazelda · 08/03/2022 17:32

You know him far, far better than we do.

But if I'd had this surprise sprung on me, I'd have been furious and refuse to go through with the ceremony.

If someone doesn't want to share future planning with me, then I'm not sure I want to spend my future with them.

Snaketime · 08/03/2022 17:38

Personally I would say to him, I have these vouchers and was thinking we could go away to Las Vegas for 4 days to get away just the two of us and if you agree we could get married whilst there, if not we could just have a nice holiday and see what he says.

SunnydaleHSAlumna · 08/03/2022 17:40

You could still do the wedding, and plan it. Just tell him about it now, and if he says okay just get it all booked as you would have done.

If you want a nice surprise, could you maybe put everything together, like make a card or a little fun brochure or something, with the name of the hotel and some info about it, some reviews of it, the place where you want to have the ceremony, some restaurants you could go to? You could do that and surprise him with it and then when he says "yes that sounds amazing", then book everything. I did something similar when I booked a holiday for my husband for his birthday.

I think it's just telling him a few days before you go that is the issue.

TillyTopper · 08/03/2022 17:47

No way would I plan a surprise wedding for him. I've been with DP for 26+ years, I'd still plan it with him if we were to go to Vegas, or anywhere else for that matter. I don't think it allows him to reflect on it and give it the seriousness it deserves if it's sprung as a surprise.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 08/03/2022 17:50

I think it sounds like a lovely surprise, tbh. And after all, he doesn't have to marry you once he gets there! Wink

katseyes7 · 08/03/2022 17:52

My OH was on tour with a band years ago. The last leg of the tour was in Mexico, and a lot of wives/girlfriends went out for the last week or two, bit of a holiday.
OH's (at the time) partner went out there, and after the tour finished, the band and crew had about a week there. About two days in, she told him that there was wedding in the hotel the next day, and everyone in the hotel was invited, as the couple didn't have any family or friends with them.
He said he wasn't bothered about going to a strangers wedding, but all his mates said they were going, and she was very persuasive, so he gave in and went. He hadn't a suit, one of his mates in the band loaned him a jacket.
When they got to the wedding venue at the hotel the next day - it was his wedding. To her. She hadn't said a word to him, just arranged it, and told a couple of his mates, who must have thought, well, they're living together, he must have agreed, but she's booked it for a surprise.
And he went through with it. He said to me much later that "I'd have looked like a complete twat in front of everybody if l'd said no."
I've seen one wedding photo. He looks like a rabbit in the headlights, with his jeans and his mate's jacket which is clearly too big for him.
They were married about 18 months when they split up.
OP, if you both want to get married, get married. But please don't spring it on him like that. I agree with a PP - maybe think about having a small wedding here, then go somewhere nice for a honeymoon.
It sounds like you both want to be married. That's what it's about. The wedding's one day. The marriage, if it's right, is for life.

NeverChange · 08/03/2022 17:56

I think it's a high risk unnecessary gamble but you know him best.

Stravaig · 08/03/2022 17:58

Please don't, OP. Where is the consent? You can't wheedle, manipulate, coerce or surprise someone into a legally-binding lifetime commitment! He may have you asked you a while back, but what does he feel now?

Even if he likes the surprise, why would you want to marry someone who can't be arsed to participate in making a conscious decision, even for a minimalist ceremony?

oviraptor21 · 08/03/2022 17:59

Way too controlling. I'd run a mile if a DF did this to me.

oviraptor21 · 08/03/2022 18:01

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

I think it sounds like a lovely surprise, tbh. And after all, he doesn't have to marry you once he gets there! Wink
And that would surely go down like a lead balloon?
curlii103 · 08/03/2022 18:02

A surprise wedding that he has absolutely no say in planning or organising!!! My oh would love this! Do nothing more than turn up with no obligations!

Hawkins001 · 08/03/2022 18:06

@Crazyone84

My other half is a procrastinator, we can talk over the same thing 10 times but until I actually do it, things don't happen. That's not to say he doesn't want them to happen he is isn't very good with pressing the "go" button.

This is why I asked what other opinions would be. If I should just sort and do because we have discussed just not into finer details like dates and places.

I understand your perspectives on this matter, although id broach the plan soon as then see what his views are, then put it on the back burner then "surprise him " if that's a possible plan ?
TellerTuesday · 08/03/2022 18:15

DH and got married in Las Vegas almost 6 years ago. Angelic is wrong, a LV marriage is legally binding over here in the UK but I remember we did have to have our solicitor certify our marriage certificate.

Similar situation to you, we had been together 10 years before marrying, already had the house, DC etc. It was only when we made a will and DH started a new job that I realised I'd be pretty screwed if anything happened to him as MIL was next of kin.

We decided between us to go though, I would never have booked anything without him knowing, that's a bit weird.

ufucoffee · 08/03/2022 18:22

As others have said, only you know if he'd like it. I love surprises but some people don't like them. But I must say, if any of my children did this and didn't invite me to their wedding I'd be very, very upset.

AngelicInnocent · 08/03/2022 19:04

@tellertuesday that's good to know. I wasn't sure if it was just urban myth or actually true.

Did you have to get a solicitor in Vegas to certify it? Is that easy to do?

Dishwashersaurous · 08/03/2022 19:11

Just sit down tonight and say let's book in the wedding.

When shall we do it, and book the local registration office. Or say, shall we go to Vegas, and lets book the dates.

No need to do as a surprise. Just agree

HairyScaryMonster · 08/03/2022 19:27

Well I guess if you sort it and tell him and he doesn't want to, he doesn't have to go through with it!

BeaLola · 08/03/2022 19:29

@whatstheteamarie

Talk to him first.

Be aware you need to sort your Clark County License documents before the wedding, so allow time for that (all the tv/movie scenes where they just stumble into a chapel and get married are false).

You also need to register your marriage in the UK when you return, so get a couple of copies of your wedding certificate.

Other than that do it, you'll have a blast!

This is not correct

You cannot register an overseas ceremony in uk.

Dillydollydingdong · 08/03/2022 19:31

Just tell him. Discuss it with him

ComeOnSpringtime · 08/03/2022 19:41

Everything you've said is fine besides the last part where you plan/book it secretly.

Why do that if you're both on the same page already? Just tell him you already have tickets and what your plan is and you can both go from there.