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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to plan our wedding but not tell future husband?

90 replies

Crazyone84 · 08/03/2022 16:06

Bit of background, we have been together 14+ years, mortgage, dog, baby. We both were never really for a wedding and marriage, just not what we wanted.

Last year following birth of baby and mother in law passing suddenly this left my other half (technically) with no next of kin. (We have legal documents written up for mortgage and pensions etc but have heard it is still pretty difficult if something were to happen to either of us)

Anyway last year he proposed to me, all very low key and no big show or announcement, more so just for us. Since then we haven't really planned anything or even set a date. We are both pretty relaxed about it. One thing that has come up is we have talked about going to Vegas for a few days, getting married then coming home, sorted!

We both love each other and share our lives but feel that marriage would be a big legal formality for us to feel more comfortable if the worse were to happen.

Now this maybe me being a cheapskate but I have BA vouchers from a cancelled NYC trip with the girls from covid lock down.

AIBU to secretly book a 4 day trip to Vegas for us to get married and tell him a few days before?

It kinda just gets it done and we won't have the months planning and people trying to do stuff for us which we would appreciate but just don't want the fuss.

We could always have a party once we get back for celebrate with friends and family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazyone84 · 08/03/2022 16:46

because of baby and covid we haven't been away for over 2 years and don't plant to go abroad until baby is older. We have always travelled and both loved traveling so thought marrying in vegas would kill 2 birds I suppose. We wouldn't take baby, my parents would have her.

I would tell him a few days before going to make sure he was prepared. Just thought it may be a nice surprise after a shitty year with his mum passing and someone doing something nice for him?

OP posts:
chesirecat99 · 08/03/2022 16:47

I guess given you've both discussed getting married in Las Vegas, maybe you could arrange a surprise trip with the tickets and both decide together if you want to get married as well when you were there? Isn't being able to get a marriage license on the spot Vegas' USP? Although I suppose you might be limited in your choice of venue that way.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/03/2022 16:48

Nope to the surprise. Please don't.

Check your folks can have the baby, tell him your idea, see what he says.

Original poster
Crazyone84 · 08/03/2022 16:48

also he has a total of 3 family members, many different reasons. Where as I have a very big family so an official gathering would feel very uneven and think the focus of his mum not being with us even more

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 08/03/2022 16:48

Nah tell him that's what you're thinking of doing and ask him if he's ok with it before you plan it all

incognitoforthisone · 08/03/2022 16:50

Absolutely do not surprise someone WITH THEIR OWN WEDDING ffs.

Things that work well as surprises: frivolous gifts, a spontaneous evening out, a favourite meal, a lottery win, a bonus at work

Things that don't work well as surprises: massive, legally binding, life-changing milestone events

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 08/03/2022 16:50

The fact you're asking means you're not sure. Don't do this secretly.

'Nice surprises' are an unexpected bunch of flowers or tickets to see your favourite band, not a legally-binding ceremony.

PeopleRStrange · 08/03/2022 16:51

Used to be you had to be resident 24hrs before the wedding and collect licence in person from city hall, so check the rules before booking if you're only there a few days

Original poster
Crazyone84 · 08/03/2022 16:51

so I'm getting the vibe that I should tell him and plan together but just us to know????

My parents could even think we are just going on a trip if they look after the baby

OP posts:
Anonymous48 · 08/03/2022 16:55

@Crazyone84

so I'm getting the vibe that I should tell him and plan together but just us to know????

My parents could even think we are just going on a trip if they look after the baby

Yes, absolutely! Not telling him about his own wedding is a horrible idea, not a "nice surprise"! I'm shocked that you don't understand this.
RealBecca · 08/03/2022 16:56

We married purely for legal benefits. Went at lunchtime midweek and took our 2 witnesses for lunch after. Never told anyone else. Parents still dont know. Its purely a financial arrangement and nothing to celebrate which is what we both wanted.

Make sure that's really what you want though. Amd you need to talk to your fiance about it, you cant just mention it a few days before to ease his nerves. Are you sure that deep down you dont want to talk to him about it because you're worried he will say no?

Original poster
Crazyone84 · 08/03/2022 16:59

@Anonymous48 shocked that I don't understand this???? tad harsh......

I am not shocked that you don't understand the year we have had and that after 14 years together I think I would know my other half????

OP posts:
Anonymous48 · 08/03/2022 17:01

[quote Crazyone84]@Anonymous48 shocked that I don't understand this???? tad harsh......

I am not shocked that you don't understand the year we have had and that after 14 years together I think I would know my other half????[/quote]
Yes, shocked.

And if you know him so well, and think he would like it, why are you asking us?

godmum56 · 08/03/2022 17:02

you are batshit crazy aren't you? I mean aren't you?

AnotherSillawithanS · 08/03/2022 17:02

I got married in Jamaica.
What's the paperwork like for Vegas?

Crocky · 08/03/2022 17:02

This is really where you have to know the other person to be able to know if it is a good idea or not. I would love to be surprised with something like this, as long as it wasn’t Vegas.
We have been together a long time too and haven’t gotten around to it. Family issues made us pause many years ago and we never actually moved on from that.

Thewindwhispers · 08/03/2022 17:03

Go to Vegas by all means but why not ask him first?! “Hey DP I’ve got these airline vouchers to use and my fingers are itching to book flights to Vegas, let’s just go and do it, I can’t wait to be your wife, how is next week?”

Erinyes · 08/03/2022 17:05

@RealBecca

We married purely for legal benefits. Went at lunchtime midweek and took our 2 witnesses for lunch after. Never told anyone else. Parents still dont know. Its purely a financial arrangement and nothing to celebrate which is what we both wanted.

Make sure that's really what you want though. Amd you need to talk to your fiance about it, you cant just mention it a few days before to ease his nerves. Are you sure that deep down you dont want to talk to him about it because you're worried he will say no?

Exactly this. I think no one other than our witnesses knew for about five years, and then I think I accidentally said something to a parent that implied we were married, mainly because I'd forgotten no one knew. Lots of people have no idea still and it's ten years ago now -- we reconnected with an old friend recently, and she said 'Are you ever planning to get married?'
sharksarecool · 08/03/2022 17:06

I wouldn't even make it secret from other people, that seems cruel too. I know a wedding is "your day" but most parents would want to see their child get married. I know of some parents who were devastated thst their child did this; they'd sadly lost one of their children in his teens, so only had one child left and they felt robbed of the only child's eedding they'd get to see. If your DP has lost his mum then other family members might also feel upset to miss out on this rite of passage.
Plan a wedding, tell family about it so they can attend if they want, and make sure any parent who wants to attend can afford to. If I were in your shoes, I would do a small wedding locally, e.g registry office followed by a meal in local restaurant. Then spend the money on whatever honeymoon you want

Original poster
Crazyone84 · 08/03/2022 17:09

My other half is a procrastinator, we can talk over the same thing 10 times but until I actually do it, things don't happen. That's not to say he doesn't want them to happen he is isn't very good with pressing the "go" button.

This is why I asked what other opinions would be. If I should just sort and do because we have discussed just not into finer details like dates and places.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 08/03/2022 17:10

I would absolutely hate this! Please don’t do this.

Tell him your idea and see how he feels.
Chances are he’ll think it’s a great idea and can help you book it etc. and you can discuss what else to do on your break away.

Drinkingallthewine · 08/03/2022 17:13

Plan it with him but keep it between just the two of you.

MargosKaftan · 08/03/2022 17:14

Tell him your idea this evening. Add you are happy to arrange everything. Judge from his reaction if he wants to be married this way.

Get it booked, but ask him first and keep it a secret the 2 of you share, like a proper elopement.

Paddingtonsmarmlade · 08/03/2022 17:15

I'd tell him your idea and ask him how he felt about it. No need to tell anyone else if you don't want to. You could give him the option of you planning it all without him having to stress about it or he could want to be involved in some of the planning.

RandomMess · 08/03/2022 17:17

I've read your updates.

"Darling I fancy a holiday to Vegas in June, let's get married whilst we're there and keep it a surprise til we get back, what do you think?"

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