Would you change job to assist with secondary school run

[user1461609321]

Morning

Have 2 kids, DC1 going to secondary in September and DC2 will be year 5

Currently living in same borough as the primary school, but secondary will be a short train ride away and I currently work in a borough 1hr away from home

I guess I am anxious about eldest travelling in London alone, and have this notion that myself and DH can take a child each to school in the morning, then he collects both after school as he owns his own business

Current role is ok and my manager has said I can start at 10am for a period to enable eldest to settle in, however I could work more locally so I could assist more with school runs, emergency collection of youngest etc

Use to work in previous job, but left current role is ok, both in very similar settings

Is it mad to change jobs for a child who could travel independently and possibly not even want me taking him to school, he is not street smart, never traveled independently etc

If there are no SEN needs, spend the next 6 months preparing him to do the journey alone. He wont thank you for driving him there.
They grow up lot over the next 12 months.

Independently of that, if you'd like a new job closer to home, go for it. But don't make dropping him at school the major reason.

Start using public transport NOW (not just this route) and get him used to it.
Discuss scenarios: what if he forgets his ticket, misses his stop, leaves his bag on the train, train gets cancelled?
Definitely don't change your job.

What kind of insane masochist lives in London and drives their kids everywhere?!?

The absolute last thing he will want is mummy escorting him everywhere. No secondary age xhild in London gets driven to school. Practise the journey between now and September; he'll be fine and there'll be tons of others doing it. To change jobs for this purpose would be genuinely nuts, and do neither you nor him any favours.

@Porcupineintherough

Every big city has "a shit load of crime" *@OnlyFoolsnMothers. They are still largely safe for secondary school children to travel in. OP* are there specific concerns you have about the journey or is this just generalised anxiety?

Yes, but is it normal for every boy to be mugged at some point during his time at secondary school? - because that is pretty much true for parts of London - and I'm not sure it's the case everywhere in the country.

That said, I don't think they're any more vulnerable at age 11 than they are at age 15 - and unless you're going to make him the weird one who never goes anywhere without his mum dropping him off, then it's probably good to get him working on being street smart from Day 1.

Many children travel some distance to Dd's school and the advice is always to travel in groups if possible. Ask around your locality and friends of friends to see if there are others who will be making to same journey in September - perhaps they can travel together? Also ask the school who might have arrangements for organising this kind of thing between families (or at least place kids in classes with a couple of potential travel buddies).

He will, more likely than not, find friends to travel with on the train.

Hi OP - my DS's secondary school (in a London borough) was also a train ride away from our house. The full journey was a 5 min walk from home to the station, 15 mins on the train, 10 min walk from the station to his school. He was the only pupil from his primary school to get a place. I worked further into London.

I was a single parent and also have a medical condition which means I'm not permitted to drive. My DS has been very used to travelling (with me) on public transport since he was a baby.

I decided to be led by my DS. Like you, my employer was extremely flexible. I did the journey with DS a good few times during half term and the summer holidays. My tip would be to get the same train he would need to get for school, then go later and get the train he would usually be coming home on; this will get him used to the crowd. I didn't think it would benefit my DS to do practice runs out of rush hour when it was really quiet. Also practice a 'plan B' in the event the trains stop running. You might never need a back-up plan, but practising what to do will prevent any panic. I also set a few basic safety rules - be aware of your surroundings/no headphones when crossing roads and no 'tech' on display.

Definitely also speak to pastoral care at the school. You might find they have a buddy system for pupils who travel on the same route. My DS's school did this and it worked well (he had a travel buddy in his year, plus one in the year above. He became a buddy for a Y7 pupil when he was in Y9). Having said that, one of DS's best friends is a lad from a different school who he met at the station waiting for the train home. They are at the same uni now!

In our case, I did the full journey door to door with DS for the first two weeks. Then he asked me to sit in a different carriage and not get off the train, then he asked me to get a completely different train - you get the picture. My DS gained his confidence very quickly, and I'm very pleased he did.

Of course you always worry about what might happen, that's completely normal. I'm of the opinion that mitigating risk (by preparation and planning) is better than completely avoiding it (by arranging door-to-door lifts), but everyone is different.

He won’t want his mum bringing him to school. I’d do the journey with him a few times. He’ll probably meet people going the same way and go with them.

I can't understand why you live in a city that you are scared to let your children be in.

Absolutely not. I'd already have my application in!! Nothing is more important than your children so it's a no brainier as far as I'm concerned

Nothing is more important than your children
What does this mean though?

She's not giving up her job so she can care for him after an accident. Her job presumably helps support him financially so he doesn't have to live in a ditch. She has t even tried to see if he can become more independent.

You live in London and drive your kids everywhere? What’s the point of paying fifty grand a week rent or whatever it costs these days to live in London if you’re constantly just driving about sitting in traffic? Mind blown tbh

OP I’ve got a child at secondary, and one starting in the autumn. I know a lot of parents do start off driving them, and some have carried on doing so because of covid. But what they don’t see (and I’ve never say) is that it stops their DC becoming independent in a safe and gradual way.

It’s not just learning to travel by themselves (though that’s important, if you want them to be safely travelling internationally by 18) but it stops them having last-minute meet-ups with friends after school, stopping in for bubble tea on the way home, making train friends, staying for an after school activity they suddenly decide they’d like to try, nipping in to the chemist to buy some tissues for a suddenly runny nose etc. All those things that are the steps on the way to adulthood and an independent life where they get to make their own decisions.

If you do change job and drive him, think very carefully about your motivations. Is it to manage your anxiety, or is it really to benefit your son?

Start doing practise runs. Make sure they have mobile. Run through different scenarios with them.

Just remember, OP, It will be good for DC1 to travel independently. I wouldn't change your job for school transport reasons.

There’s another thread where a 7 year old is accompanied by mummy everywhere. We seem to have got into a mindset where children don’t make any decisions for themselves. It’s a downward spiral.

Why, op did you choose a school where none of his primary friends are going? How did you plan what his future journey would be when you applied for the school? Just teach him how to travel. I see DC doing it every day in London. Why would he be knifed? Where do you live? If it’s that bad. I would have to move. And that wouldn’t be my job. I would also ensure DS wasn’t in with the wrong crowd.

DH and I both travelled to school on the tube from age 11. My journey was particularly long. It was fine but boring at times and mischief opportunity at others

I'm trying to say this nicely but you have to let go a bit. He's got six months to learn how to do it by himself.

Independence is very important to learn.

My DD is in year 8 and has to get 2 buses from East London to South London to get to school. The first week I took off work and went with her and collected her at the other end after school. She is a fairly anxious kid, and there were plenty of phone calls at first ‘mum, my bus hasn’t come…it’s raining…I saw a pigeon…I’m going to be late what should I dooooo’ but it has absolutely been the making of her. She is so much more mature and resilient now and has dealt with some difficult situations by herself eg bus on diversion dumping her somewhere near the Blackwall tunnel, and managed to find her way back to the right road by herself. Also her friends are local to the school and it means she can go and see them or get herself home after a sleepover without me having to pick her up.

I'm from London and now live in another big city with a similar crime rate. There have always been loads and loads of schoolkids on public transport or walking to school during my commute to work, and I have yet to witness any of them being battered, stabbed or abducted. It's a local commuter train, not Lord of the Flies.

Practise the journey with him a couple of times over the summer holidays and then let him do it on his own once or twice before school actually starts, and then he'll be used to it by the time the school year starts.

Secondary school kids should be able to travel to school by themselves if public transport is available.

When my dd went into year seven she didn't know anyone at all as we had lived abroad so we got the bus to her new school as if we didn't know each other for a couple of days. She got on and off first so I knew she knew what she was doing but we didn't even look at each other.

About a week later she rang me sobbing at the bus stop because 'it was snowing' and I was all 'for goodness sake pull yourself together, it's just snow'. After I hung up I realised that despite being 12 she had never actually seen snow in real life, never mind walked along in it in Clarks Hamble Oaks. She's never let me forget that one.

It is completely normal for y7 children in London to take buses, tubes, trains etc by themselves. My dc grew up in London. Do not change your job because of this. Even in y6, parents at primary school were told to start practising with their dc using public transport alone.

I would move house to be nearer the school if you really aren't comfortable. Can you move to at least being a shorter journey so more likely to be other children on the train? Even if your ds is the only one from his class going, is there other children from other local primaries to you going to this school so others doing the route or older kids who he can travel with?

My dc1 went to secondary this year, has to travel by overground train. Due to lockdowns, he'd not been on a train for over a year. We did a practice run the week before, timing the walk from ours to the station, from station to school etc. Its just normal now.

@Shouldhavebutdidnt

My approach would be you have 6 months to teach him how to travel on public transport and enable him to be confident with getting himself to and from places then with work allowing you to start later you do that for the first few weeks and he will be fine.

Unless he has SEN he will be settled into the routine before you know it. Changing a job that you like for a brief period of time when they have said they’ll be flexible seems a little extreme.

Why aren’t they used to publish transport?

Yeah, this. Start working on it now. It would be madness to change job (unless you otherwise would want to anyway) to facilitate this.

You’d actually be doing him a disservice by taking him to school 🙈

No, I wouldn't change.
Yes, it's mad.