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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

16yo DS and his GF (an update thread)

124 replies

workworkworkugh · 07/03/2022 09:45

So I thought I’d make an update thread, just because I’ve had a few people message me over the past few months asking how things are going so thought it would be easier to do one update.

I wanted to say thanks to all the people that have reached out, it does mean a lot, especially after my other thread was deleted, I felt a bit silly, and I’m even a bit wary about posting this!

Things are good! DS has not got back with GF and isn’t going to. There’s been a few little things that have happened but nothing too major and nothing we can’t handle.
Things like her telling people she has a restraining order on DS as he abused her, and that DS offered her dad money to get her to take DS back Confused.
She’s tried messaging him a few times and he could see the message preview but never opened the messages and so didn’t respond so she would then start messaging his friends.
There’s a bit more that's happened but this is just an example.

DS says he’s fully over her but he does hear stories about her through mutual friends and I think he still misses her, which I assured him is normal.
He said despite all the bad times, they did still have some fun times and that’s what he misses, and I’m sure they did have fun too, toxic relationships aren’t bad all the time.

He came to us once recently and said now that he’s out of it (the relationship and situation) he can see just how bad it really was.
He said there’s more things that went on than what we know but he wasn’t ready to talk about it. And he may never be and that’s ok.

He gave his old phone to his younger brother and I told him to make sure it was restored before he did, he didn’t 🙄.
I admit I went through it and came across a few screenshots of messages she’d sent him, and she was just plain nasty to DS.
It confirmed some of the things he’d told us had happened but we hadn’t actually seen for ourselves at the time.

Anyway, DS loves his job and sees his mates regularly.
His sport starts up soon and he said he’s excited for this season. He said he couldn’t be excited in the last two years as he knew what the repercussions from her would be.
He’s still a normal teenager and can still get a bit stroppy/moody with us, but a ‘normal’ amount, no way near what his behaviour was like with her.
He will often come out just for a chat and a laugh.
We went on a family holiday over Xmas which he wanted to come and was excited for, we all had a great time.

Life is back to normal and we couldn’t be happier.
She (and DS and his moods) no longer dominate our life.
In hindsight (what a useless thing that is haha), we know we handled certain things badly and obviously regret it. We’ve had chats to DS about these things as he brings them up and he knows we love him and we were just doing our best to protect him, even if we did get it wrong sometimes.

Thank you all for your support. I truly think if I didn't have MN to vent and get out all my thoughts and anxieties and ask for advice, my mental state would have been even worse than what it was during this time.

OP posts:
amusedbush · 07/03/2022 12:04

This might sound odd coming from a perfect stranger but I think of you and your DS often. I checked the last thread just a few weeks ago to see if you had been back - I'm so pleased to hear that your DS is doing well and hasn't gone back to her.

huffyhufferson · 07/03/2022 12:07

Oh I am so, so happy for you & your family - especially your son. I wondered what had happened to your thread as I couldn't find it but you have just clarified. Sometimes with children - especially teens - you have to be patient and wait for them to get that 'light bulb moment'. So glad your son has had his moment! Anyway, good luck to you all for your future.

Cento · 07/03/2022 12:09

Another long time follower here too (with a name change) I’m so happy to read this and the outcome, glad you got to finally have a nice family holiday x

KnotofAnxiety · 07/03/2022 12:11

Wonderful news.. I missed the end of the last thread and then saw it had been deleted so wondered how things were going
Really happy for you

Doratheexploret · 07/03/2022 12:14

Such a lovely update! What a relief for all of you. I think you handled it all brilliantly! Don’t be hard on yourselves x

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 07/03/2022 12:16

So happy for you both. Think I missed thread 4 but was hoping you were all OK. Delighted to hear he is back on track re sport/friends and trade school.
You showed yourself to be a brilliant Mum through it all, even though you felt like you weren't at times. He is very lucky to have you x

MrsBungle · 07/03/2022 12:18

Really pleased to read this Smile

Landedonfeet · 07/03/2022 12:21

I thought you had your last thread deleted as established PB

Landedonfeet · 07/03/2022 12:22

Wrong thread!!

ESGdance · 07/03/2022 12:24

This is great news. Really delighted for you all as a family. It was a tough road that not many people have to negotiate - as it was far, far out of the “normal” realms of relating - so how would you have had any experience of dealing with such a difficult situation.

I am really glad that the threads were an important support, place to vent, anchor etc in a very stressful time - however I believe MN were very wrong to have cut your thread and support. IMHO this was a very ignorant and knee jerk reaction following complaints from one or two derailers who couldn’t or wouldn’t see an abusive and dysfunctional dynamic but insisted this was a situation of poor parenting boundaries and brattish behaviour from your DS rather than symptoms of extreme stress that you were all experiencing.

I think MN got it wrong and should reinstate your threads as they are an excellent example for others who may go through such an extreme situation.

Your calm, strategic approach not reacting to the immediate nonsense and noise - deliberately put in place to throw you all into emotional chaos that she could then control was very wise as you focused solely on your son and not becoming part of the fuel to their dynamic.

You should be very proud of your resilience and love through this time and all of the years before which is showing in how he has bounced back and reclaimed his life.

I do think that he will be bruised and confused and a bit concerned that there is stuff that he will “never talk about” - so as PP has said maybe 2-3 sessions debrief would prevent anything festering.

Thank you for coming back to share this news. You are all very fortunate as there are many families living with the horror of their loved ones not having been able to extricate themselves from such relationships - and they never stay stable - these relationships just get worse and worse fully entrenched until the other person is eroded or subsumed or occasionally gets out.

ESGdance · 07/03/2022 12:27

*professional confidential debrief -

HyggeTygge · 07/03/2022 12:29

Thanks for the update. It was either thread 2 or 3 that had the previous update about them breaking up - good to hear he's still going strong!

Blinkingbatshit · 07/03/2022 12:31

Oh @workworkworkugh so pleased your family is back in one piece - I wondered what happened to your thread, didn’t realise it was deleted! Have also thought of you and am so pleased the situation has come to an end.

mibbelucieachwell · 07/03/2022 12:37

Brilliant news @workworkworkugh Thank you for updating. What a relief for you all to be out of the horrible situation. It's so difficult. Frustrating and worrying. I think you dealt well with it. It's easy for other people to tell you what to say or not so in the thick of a very stressful time.

JudgeJ · 07/03/2022 12:38

@TricksAnd

I'm pleased for you all too. Parenting is so hard sometimes.
I don't know why the OP's beating herself up about her handling of the horrible situation, I seem to recall thinking she and her husband had the patience of a saint and that I would have had a contract out on the little hussy, my mother's favourite words for girls of this type! Good luck to them all for the future.
Piggy42 · 07/03/2022 12:39

This is the best update, so pleased for you all.

ESGdance · 07/03/2022 12:45

@JudgeJ - easy now …. it was exactly this sort of exasperated expression from posters that MN decided was enough to silence the OP and cut off her support - rather than calmly requesting that offensive terms not be used.

TheMooch · 07/03/2022 12:46

I am so glad you've let us know. I keep wondering about how things have been going for you and your family.

Sounds like he's being a normal teen, and good to hear he's happier.

Livebythecoast · 07/03/2022 12:51

Thank you for the update and I'm so pleased things have worked out for you all. It must have been a difficult time for you as a family. Here's to better times ahead. Wishing you all the very best Flowers

WetLookKnitwear · 07/03/2022 12:52

I think I remember this. I’m happy for you.

TheMooch · 07/03/2022 12:55

P.S.

I think your posts were the most honest posts on MN.

It couldn't sorted in a day like alot of MN posters want. But hopefully happier times ahead.

Tigofigo · 07/03/2022 13:01

That day she got out she told him she wanted to take a break to 'experience other boys' and it slowly fizzled out form there.

To think she went from self harming and threats if he so much as thought about other humans to pretty much breaking it off herself!

I am so pleased you are all out of it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2022 13:01

I’m so pleased your ds has managed to stay split from his ex. Someone mentioned his situation on another thread recently. I think a lot of us have thought about you and wondered how you’re all doing.

I was also confused as to why your last thread was deleted… I know you posted a bit of this on an old one.

This must be such a relief for you, especially as your ds appears unscathed. I am sure you’d rather this had never happened and on the plus side, he’s had such a valuable life lesson. Smile

GoogleWhacked · 07/03/2022 13:06

I am so happy to see such a positive update from you @workworkworkugh!
I often thought about your DS and hoped he was doing OK. Delighted to hear about his apprenticeship and that he's looking forward to the future.
Best of luck to you all 💐😊

Northernsoullover · 07/03/2022 13:08

I'm so happy for you. Like other posters this did cross my mind on occasion and I'm relieved it's ended.