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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

16yo DS and his GF (an update thread)

124 replies

workworkworkugh · 07/03/2022 09:45

So I thought I’d make an update thread, just because I’ve had a few people message me over the past few months asking how things are going so thought it would be easier to do one update.

I wanted to say thanks to all the people that have reached out, it does mean a lot, especially after my other thread was deleted, I felt a bit silly, and I’m even a bit wary about posting this!

Things are good! DS has not got back with GF and isn’t going to. There’s been a few little things that have happened but nothing too major and nothing we can’t handle.
Things like her telling people she has a restraining order on DS as he abused her, and that DS offered her dad money to get her to take DS back Confused.
She’s tried messaging him a few times and he could see the message preview but never opened the messages and so didn’t respond so she would then start messaging his friends.
There’s a bit more that's happened but this is just an example.

DS says he’s fully over her but he does hear stories about her through mutual friends and I think he still misses her, which I assured him is normal.
He said despite all the bad times, they did still have some fun times and that’s what he misses, and I’m sure they did have fun too, toxic relationships aren’t bad all the time.

He came to us once recently and said now that he’s out of it (the relationship and situation) he can see just how bad it really was.
He said there’s more things that went on than what we know but he wasn’t ready to talk about it. And he may never be and that’s ok.

He gave his old phone to his younger brother and I told him to make sure it was restored before he did, he didn’t 🙄.
I admit I went through it and came across a few screenshots of messages she’d sent him, and she was just plain nasty to DS.
It confirmed some of the things he’d told us had happened but we hadn’t actually seen for ourselves at the time.

Anyway, DS loves his job and sees his mates regularly.
His sport starts up soon and he said he’s excited for this season. He said he couldn’t be excited in the last two years as he knew what the repercussions from her would be.
He’s still a normal teenager and can still get a bit stroppy/moody with us, but a ‘normal’ amount, no way near what his behaviour was like with her.
He will often come out just for a chat and a laugh.
We went on a family holiday over Xmas which he wanted to come and was excited for, we all had a great time.

Life is back to normal and we couldn’t be happier.
She (and DS and his moods) no longer dominate our life.
In hindsight (what a useless thing that is haha), we know we handled certain things badly and obviously regret it. We’ve had chats to DS about these things as he brings them up and he knows we love him and we were just doing our best to protect him, even if we did get it wrong sometimes.

Thank you all for your support. I truly think if I didn't have MN to vent and get out all my thoughts and anxieties and ask for advice, my mental state would have been even worse than what it was during this time.

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 07/03/2022 10:53

Really great to hear this OP - glad he’s doing so well.

My 17 year old had a bad experience with a girlfriend a couple of years ago, nothing like yours but she got a bit weird when he broke up with her, spread some lies about him etc. Its put him off relationships a bit, made him a bit commitment phobic which is a shame - hopefully he’ll get past it later in life though!

QualityTweet · 07/03/2022 10:54

I remember this. What an awful situation you were in, and I thought of you from time to time. I'm so happy and relieved for you that things have turned out really well.

Thanks for the update.

B0J0ker · 07/03/2022 10:55

Such good news! I'm so glad it all ended up being ok and your son is so much happier now.

A really hard lesson to have learnt and an awful experience to have gone through (but an invaluable one) and I'm so happy you've all come through it ok.

Here's to a fresh start! Good luck to your son and his future!

Outnumbered99 · 07/03/2022 10:56

Oh OP what wonderful news, so pleased for you and especially your DS.

hellsbells99 · 07/03/2022 11:02

What a lovely update. Glad things are working out for your DS and all of you Op

TheOccupier · 07/03/2022 11:02

Brilliant! Been thinking about you and your DS recently and hoping things were OK.

Cantleave · 07/03/2022 11:03

I missed your part 4 thread too, but really pleased that things have worked out. I think a lot of us were worried about both your and your DS’s mental health!

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 07/03/2022 11:04

Awwww thank you so much for updating us all. Have thought of you so often since following your story xxx

Tallisimo · 07/03/2022 11:09

What a very positive update! So glad that things got sorted in the end.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 07/03/2022 11:10

So glad to hear! Best of luck

Blogblogblogblog · 07/03/2022 11:11

Really nice update. I think the undeleted phone was done ‘accidentally on purpose’ - I think he wanted a way of you knowing.
All looking good for the future.

Mumdiva99 · 07/03/2022 11:19

I missed the last thread. How did it end end between them?

I am so pleased for him, you and your family that things are back to normal. Sorry you had to go through it.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 07/03/2022 11:27

Been following from afar but never commented as I didn't have any advice. So, so happy for all of you that it's over and he's finally home. Flowers

Shiloh139 · 07/03/2022 11:28

This is such great news. I remember reading your initial posts about your DS' relationship with his GF in horror, as to how this could happen and how powerless you were to do anything to put a stop to it. I was so pleased when I read your update in one of the original threads, to say that they had split up and I'm happier still to read that they have not got back together. Life must be looking and feeling so much better for your DS. I feel for the next person she gets together with. I hope your DS agrees to go for counselling at some future point, even if only to ensure that he does not inadvertently replicate some of the behaviours that he witnessed and displayed himself during this awful relationship, in his future relationships.

Redshoeblueshoe · 07/03/2022 11:29

I must have missed the breaking up part of your last thread. I am so pleased for you and your family

LookItsMeAgain · 07/03/2022 11:33

I was just thinking of you and your family recently. I am very relieved for you all that you are now out of the clutches of that viper.
Onwards and upwards from here now.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 07/03/2022 11:37

Great news op. I commented previously as my ds was also in an abusive relationship at 24 /25. My ds is now 27 and still hasn't met anyone else. Def been burned badly. He has recently had a holiday abroad and had a nice break!! Hopefully your ds can catch up on his lost time. Glad it worked out.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/03/2022 11:38

Oh my god, I am so happy to read this!!

I did see where she was creating about his birthday, not wanting him to spend it with you because she was in lockdown and felt he should not want to celebrate as he couldn't be with her, or something - but I didn't realise she'd sort of dumped him after that - HURRAH!!

Best thing that could have happened to him. I'm SO glad he didn't get permanently sucked into her maelstrom - she was not remotely good for him, and I'm glad he can look back and see that now.

Hopefully that has given him some tools to both recognise this sort of character in the future (and AVOID like the plague!) but also to recognise when people are using and abusing him.

If he hasn't already accessed personal counselling, I would recommend it - more for a "debrief" sort of thing than anything else, to reassure him that, in reality, none of this was really his fault - he was caught up in her web and she was pulling his strings. It will help him to have grown up too.

I honestly am just so happy that you have your boy back again - absolutely thrilled for you! Thanks

Littlepaws18 · 07/03/2022 11:39

Oh op I'm so glad you posted this update! It's the best news for you and your family. I'm also glad he sees her for what she really is- also I think although this was a terrible period in his life, he will learn from it and use it to help him pick healthier relationships in future!

Oh and I absolutely did not agree with mn deleting this thread!

Peridot1 · 07/03/2022 11:39

What a great update.

Very pleased for you all that he escaped her clutches and is doing well.

Hopefully for her sake she will wise up to life and how to treat people but he sounds unlikely sadly with how her parents enable her.

Staryflight445 · 07/03/2022 11:42

I missed the last thread too and didn’t realise they’d broken up.
Fab news op, onwards and upwards! Now he’s equipped with the knowledge of how to avoid this in future.

CheesyWeez · 07/03/2022 11:45

Thank you for the update. I have often thought of you and your DS. I'm so glad he's out of it.

tara66 · 07/03/2022 11:53

That's great! I remember you and DS and have wondered what happened - but can't remember if I posted anything! Don't know why you would have been deleted! Hope you are not flooded out there in Australia.

SunshineCake1 · 07/03/2022 11:57

I was thinking of you yesterday which was a bit random so so pleased to see this and so happy he has finished with her and is making plans etc.

Have you a plan for if she gets her claws back in to him ?

Charliesgotachocolatefactory · 07/03/2022 12:02

What a wonderful update, thanks for posting it.