Confronted mother about her numerous affairs…….

[ChamberPotOfSecrets]

Which is why my father left her. I found this out at age 45! She now wants nothing to do with me.

WIBU to be angry and confront her about it?

Only the two people within a marriage know what happened within it. How do you know how she felt within the marriage? Clearly the right thing to do is to leave your spouse before starting a new relationship, but in cases of abuse or other serious marital issues, sometimes it's hard to take the leap without somewhere to go. Personally I'd stay well out of it.

Did the affairs impact on your childhood or create a toxic atmosphere growing up? My DM was promiscuous and constantly cheated on my DF in front of us when we were children. We were dragged into silent complicity with her as we knew what would happen if we told my DF. Totally abusive and a symptom of her MH issues that made our childhood a total misery.

She eventually abandoned ship for husband number two and again for husband number three much later. She would be in double figures if she'd married all her affair partners. As a result all three of us are NC with her

Confrontation, however, achieved little as she's in total denial despite the evidence. Perhaps counselling to process your feelings?

YANBU to be upset: without any other context that's a really shitty thing to do to your dad.

YABU to confront her about it, though, as though you're the authority and she has to answer to you. As awful as what she did is, you had no right to know it then and it's between her and your dad - it's not your fight to have with her. You're angry and you want some kind of retribution and you're not going to get it from confronting her about years-old actions that - whether or not they were right - she owes nobody except your dad an explanation for. You can never know the full truth of a relationship unless you're in it and while there's very little I can think of that would excuse the cheating, you still don't know the full story - to 'confront' her presumably decades later could be opening some very deep emotional wounds that aren't your place to open.

I don't mean this to sound harsh: more to say, that you need to let go of the anger for your own sake. Nothing that she can do - and she can only apologise - is going to undivorce him or change how things happened, and it isn't your place to make sure she feels 'appropriately' guilty about it years later. So you're not going to get any satisfying response. Learn to be okay with it.

Did she cheat with your husband? No, then you have no place to confront her.

I realize it must be shocking* to know your mother is a real person who has agency to make decisions, both good and bad.

Also shocking* that she won’t talk to you now after “confronting” her about it. I’m sure that was a poorly worded way of saying tried to get her side of the story (which you also have no right to).

Good luck OP, (and I really do mean it) I think it’s going to be tough for you to come back from this one.

*and by shock, I really meant obvious

And yes listen to housemaus. I am being snarky, but if I wasn’t I would have said something similar.

Many women were trapped in marriage, the affairs might have been for affection and to get your Dad to leave. But as said, it isn't your fight. Who told you, your father? Be angry that you were unnecessarily made privy to this.

You weren't unreasonable to be angry about it; you're entitled to your feelings. However, you were unreasonable in 'confronting' her. What did you want to achieve?

I dare say if you asked my ex, I had numerous affairs. He'll most likely tell you that even if you don't ask.

I never had one. Still got accused of them, though. Didn't leave him for that, either. It was the repeated rapes whilst I slept. Which isn't something I'd be willing to share with my child. Not ever. But I'd be fucking furious with them for believing his bullshit.

You can be angry but you don’t have a right to confront her or demand explanations

So my dad had an affair that ended my parents marriage. I was very young at the time. My issue with him isn't that he had an affair, it's how he behaved after they broke up (absent father - no parental alienation from mothers side btw). I don't know what kind of relationship you've had with your mother, but if she's been a good mother to you, then I don't think you should be angry and upset about her affairs. I mean I don't condone cheating, but I know that it's not black and white...

I disagree with a lot of these comments. As an adult you can talk to a parent about anything you wish. If a break up in a marriage due to an affair has affected your childhood I see no issue with it. If a parent has had an affair for whatever reason then they can explain it to an adult child if needed. I speak as a child of a father who left due to being kicked out due to an affair. He lied to me through his teeth, told me it wasn't due to being with anyone else then moved straight in with the other woman.

Did I have the right to confront him then? Yes - don't lie to your kids and expect them to respect you later. Did I have the right to confront him as an adult? Yes, his cheating directly affected my life when my mother crumbled and I had to support her through it, so all this " they must have had their reasons nonsense" is rubbish. Cheating is mostly about lying and self gratification, it is what it is.

It wasn't necessarily unreasonable, and a lot depends on the circumstances. But "confront" is a strong word, and if that is the approach you took I think a bad outcome was a likely possibility. Maybe it would have been better to take a more neutral approach at least to start? But without more information it's difficult to say for sure.

You’re 45. Old enough not to be throwing around angry / confront.
You should have talked to her.

Your father may be telling the truth, but I’m suspicious why it’s come up now.

It was my husband who had all the affairs, I haven’t told our teens and I don’t see why I’d tell them at 45, unless to counter finding out lies if he said it was me. Even then, if my kids were in their 40s I’d expect them not to go charging off in my defence.

What do you hope to achieve? I can't imagine you will feel any better after the confrontation so are you hoping to make her feel miserable?

What is your usual relationship like with your mum OP? How did you find out?

No I don't think yabu.

Your DM action had a direct effect on you and I'd be angry too if an affair split my DP.

People will say it's not your business etc, but I think it is and I'd do the same

I don't really see anything wrong with an adult child asking a parent for clarification of something that happened in childhood.

OP may feel her mother has lied to her or misled her over the years.

It sounds as if the people involved kept this secret for a long time, and who knows how or why it has come out now. But being a parent doesn't mean your children can't challenge you on things that affected them. I hope not anyway. I wouldn't object to any of my adult children asking me about grown up things, once they are grown ups. Either you are able to justify and explain yourself, or you are the guilty party and cannot. The fact that op's mum would rather cut off her own child than have a difficult conversation does say something about her I think.

No I wouldn't confront her, it's not an episode of Eastenders ffs. I have nothing to do with my parent's marriage.

So your dad says everything is your mums fault, she had affairs and Everything Wrong in the World is Her Fault, and he was Mr Perfect Husband, Father Human Being et al. It’s really hard to believe you didn’t notice him wearing his angel halo all through your childhood.

Come on OP, you say you’re 45 not 5, you must know by this stage in your life that’s not how relationships work. Nothing is that black and white and one person’s truth is another one’s lie. Don’t behave like a child.

Op, marriages are complicated. You have your dad's side.

If you feel you need your mum's side, then try and talk to her.

My kids currently think I 3nd3d the marriage to their dad because I was unhappy. In actual fact he was very emotional and sexually abusive. They aren't old enough to heat this. Exh even tells people I left for someone else. I didn't. Never had an affair. Never even crossed a line. He tells people I left him for my now, dp. I met dp after I left the marriage and didn't even get in a relationship with him until a year after that. Exh tells people I hid it all that time and must have left for him.

When my kids are older and they want to know, I will tell them.

But automatically deciding that your dad's start must be the right one and confronting your mum, is unlikely to be productive. Wanting to hear someone's story Never starts with accusing and anger.

This post could have been written by someone I know. Her mum had numerous affairs and she never knew. Among her affairs were her other DD's friend's dad, her husband's colleagues, neighbours, and she tried it on with people at parties - both male and female. She is famous for it, and a very, very troubled woman. Her husband tried to stand by her but he eventually had an affair himself and left. His wife was furious and told the kids they split because of his affair. Meanwhile, she married the man she'd been seeing towards the end.
He didn't want to tell the kids the truth and the whole things has damaged their relationship.

Who told you your DM had had affairs? Your DF? Why now?

Have you sought to discuss what happened with your DM (ie hear her side of things)?

I wouldn’t be happy if parents had both lied about things for many years, but not a lot you can do about it now!