Page 2 | Confronted mother about her numerous affairs…….

ChamberPotOfSecrets · 2022-03-06T20:45:55+00:00

Which is why my father left her. I found this out at age 45! She now wants nothing to do with me. WIBU to be angry and confront her about it?

HoneyBeeHappy · 22/03/2022 06:07

Given the OP posted on the 6th of March I don’t imagine she’ll be back. Still.

I had an affair. Do I regret it? Absolutely. But it was the catalyst which ended an emotionally abusive marriage. But for some reason whenever someone mentions an affair it seems to obliterate everything that went before it. It doesn’t matter what the other party has done, the affair is the ultimate betrayal and the person who cheated is the only reason for the end of the marriage. At least that’s how people seem to see it.

My ex told my DC he would sit them down on their 18th and tell them why our marriage had ended. He said it because he hoped that they would disown me, given they hadn’t done before that.

I have never badmouthed him to them, even when they were reluctant to see him and when he put his new partner and step children ahead of them.

I won’t tell them about my affair, what goes on between adults in a marriage is between them. But if ex tells them his version, then I will tel them. And if they ask why, I will tell them a sanitised version of that as well. Because the full truth, how he isolated me from friends and family, how he gaslighted me, made me believe everyone hated me, insisted we had sex when I didn’t want, is something they don’t need to hear.

Interestingly he too had an affair at the beginning of our relationship but she dumped him so he stayed with me, and never admitted it anyway but I found out anyway. And the first person he slept with after we split was an ex who was in fact married, so he became the OM, oh the irony. But again, my children don’t need to know all that detail. What does it achieve to put them in the middle of a “she did/he did” type of discussion.

WifeMotherWorkRepeat · 22/03/2022 06:14

YABU - you’re 45 years old ffs, what has this got to do with you?!?! No wonder she wants no contact after being confronted. How embarrassing!!

ittakes2 · 22/03/2022 06:18

I think you are projecting. I suspect you are understandable upset about the way she is treating you and you want to use these possible affairs as a way to communicate with her or even as a way to legitametly be angry with her.

HoppingPavlova · 22/03/2022 06:53

It’s got absolutely nothing to do with you. Were you abused or neglected by her? If so, then maybe raise this (although I struggle to see what the point would be now), but that’s got nothing to do with affairs. I’m sure people have affairs and don’t abuse or neglect their kids as standard. I’ve not had an affair and as far as I know my parents didn’t either so no projecting here. It’s just not something that’s any of your business and she is probably gobsmacked you feel it is.

SleeplessInEngland · 22/03/2022 07:01

Interesting reaction in the comments. I wonder how sympathetic people would be if it was the dad who had the affairs.

But more information is needed - what was the OP’s relationship like with the mother growing up?

drpet49 · 22/03/2022 07:05

Oh look, the same predictable comments

LakieLady · 22/03/2022 07:08

Other than the 2 parties to a marriage, no-one else really knows what goes on within that marriage. And the 2 people in it will often see things very differently.

No-one has affairs in a happy marriage, and there can be 1001 reasons why people feel unable to leave an unhappy one.

And I think that as an adult, you need to cut your mum some slack.

Sarahcoggles · 22/03/2022 07:10

@Ponoka7

Many women were trapped in marriage, the affairs might have been for affection and to get your Dad to leave. But as said, it isn't your fight. Who told you, your father? Be angry that you were unnecessarily made privy to this.

I’ll quote this next time someone here posts about their husband having an affair, and point out that their poor husband may have felt trapped and wanted affection. I’m sure that’ll go down well.

Jesus the double standards on here are astounding.

maddening · 22/03/2022 07:11

How did the confrontation take place? Where you aggressive/argumentative was it approached as a conversation?

Sarahcoggles · 22/03/2022 07:13

YANBU OP.
2 minutes on the relationship board here will show how devastating infidelity is for children. You have every right to be angry. Some posters are conveniently forgetting this, and making it all about your mother as some victim who was in an abusive relationship and just wanted affection.

Sarahcoggles · 22/03/2022 07:16

@LakieLady

Other than the 2 parties to a marriage, no-one else really knows what goes on within that marriage. And the 2 people in it will often see things very differently.

No-one has affairs in a happy marriage, and there can be 1001 reasons why people feel unable to leave an unhappy one.

And I think that as an adult, you need to cut your mum some slack.

Another affair-apologist post that’ll go down a treat on the next “my husband is having an affair” post in Relationships.

Give me strength!

Walkingalot · 22/03/2022 07:21

I think it depends on what sort of childhood you had and if she gave you a different narrative, i.e. that he had affairs or treated her badly etc.
At the end of the day, parents split for many reasons. Maybe she tried to make things work for your sake rather than leave after the first affair.
Is there a back story to all this? Usually other people's private business is just that - not up for anyone else's scrutiny.

Yellownightmare · 22/03/2022 07:24

@Sarahcoggles

YANBU OP. 2 minutes on the relationship board here will show how devastating infidelity is for children. You have every right to be angry. Some posters are conveniently forgetting this, and making it all about your mother as some victim who was in an abusive relationship and just wanted affection.

Absolutely. And she has the opportunity to state her case. Doesn't mean she has to go into all the details. To refuse to talk about it makes it doubly bad. I'm not surprised you feel upset OP. I'm sorry if it hurt your childhood OP.

Many people on MN are either projecting their own issues or are obsessed with the idea it's ALWAYS best to 'let sleeping dogs lie'. It very often isn't and causes a lot more pain in the long term.

speakout · 22/03/2022 07:26

As an adult you can talk to a parent about anything you wish.

But the parent has the right not to discuss her private business.

twominutesmore · 22/03/2022 07:28

@BottleBrushTree

So your dad says everything is your mums fault, she had affairs and Everything Wrong in the World is Her Fault, and he was Mr Perfect Husband, Father Human Being et al. It’s really hard to believe you didn’t notice him wearing his angel halo all through your childhood.

Come on OP, you say you’re 45 not 5, you must know by this stage in your life that’s not how relationships work. Nothing is that black and white and one person’s truth is another one’s lie. Don’t behave like a child.

How do you know her dad told her? It could be anyone in the family who knew about the affair.

I think he would have told her a long time before now if he wanted to cause trouble.

Why didn't her mum attempt to explain I wonder. Even 'I did but there's a lot more to it than that' would be more reasonable than cutting off a child for asking the question.

twominutesmore · 22/03/2022 07:31

"But the parent has the right not to discuss her private business."

Yes but can't be surprised if they've maintained a different reason for the marriage ending for many years.

speakout · 22/03/2022 07:32

I would very much like to know the details of my sister becoming engaged and leaving home at 14. My mother then had a nervous breakdown and my father became terminally ill - I effectively then became a carer.
I was 8 and although I was witness to the conflict I was too young to understand the situation completely.
I have tried to raise the topic so I can better understand my upbringing but she makes it clear the events are not up for discussion.
I have tried to piece things together, but without her help I can't.

I have to accept that not discussing certain topics is my mother's right- even though they affected me.

Sunshineandflipflops · 22/03/2022 07:51

This is what worries me. My exh had an affair which ended our marriage. Our dc were 10 and 11 at the time and I didn't want to tell them the gory details as they were too young and too distraught to understand (how could they understand when I didn't), so we told them we weren't making each other happy anymore.

I have said to my ex though that as they get older, if they ever ask questions about why we separated then I won't lie to them.

I don't know if they will ever ask but that's something my ex has to be prepared for if they do.

I think having a conversation with your mum about it is ok but obviously you can't change the past and you might hear things that make you upset/uncomfortable about your parents marriage.

donquixotedelamancha · 22/03/2022 08:03

I find it odd that people are saying you have no right to speak to your mum about serial cheating.

It's not surprising that this has upset OP and, of course, she has the right to discuss how her mum's actions have impacted her.

gannett · 22/03/2022 08:10

Surprising amount of affair apologism in this thread.

I do actually think relationships and infidelity are complex, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors etc etc, if I was a family friend I'd keep my beak out. But these are OP's parents, of course infidelity in their marriage will have affected her (and will continue to do so). You'd be furious on behalf of the one being cheated on, for starters. She's perfectly justified to confront her mum about this (though probably shouldn't expect proper answers or a decent response)

speakout · 22/03/2022 08:10

*I find it odd that people are saying you have no right to speak to your mum about serial cheating.

It's not surprising that this has upset OP and, of course, she has the right to discuss how her mum's actions have impacted her.*

I'm sorry but I don't agree.

You can't force another human being to discuss anything they don't want to.
Even people accused of criminal charges have the right to remain silent.

SleeplessInEngland · 22/03/2022 08:12

Of course it’s the child’s business: they were directly affected.

Whether the mum will actually talk about it is another matter.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 22/03/2022 08:15

Jesus the double standards on here are astounding

Yeah, it’s jaw-dropping.

The most pernicious part is the ‘well, we need to know more about the marriage before we judge’ attitude.

As opposed to ‘say not a word more, we’ve heard enough, he’s a lowlife bastard.’

yogafairy · 22/03/2022 08:18

My ex husband said that I had, and I quote, 'numerous affairs'. I have never had an affair. He however did and that's why I told him to leave. That's not the story he likes to tell though.

Maybe she did or maybe she didn't. It's her life and she made the choices and she has to live with them. It's not for you to confront her about it anymore than your life choices are up for her to debate surely.

Bostromani · 22/03/2022 08:28

Exactly.

No way would the great and good of Mumsnet be defending a father that had numerous affairs , and had been confronted.

I guarantee it would be ' The sleazy disgrace deserves to be NC with you ' , and 'Oh your poor DM' .