Confronted mother about her numerous affairs…….

[ChamberPotOfSecrets]

Which is why my father left her. I found this out at age 45! She now wants nothing to do with me.

WIBU to be angry and confront her about it?

So what if there are double standards? Women have to put up with double standards from men every single bastard day. So why would we put up with it but when it's against men we aren't allowed? Yeah thats a big fat NOPE from me.

Your title says that you confronted her but your question is should you confront her.

What would confronting her achieve?

"You can't force another human being to discuss anything they don't want to.
Even people accused of criminal charges have the right to remain silent."

Yes but it's weird that a loving mother wouldn't want to clear something up or explain the reasons, if asked about it by their own grown-up child. I just can't imagine being asked such a question by my own child and both refusing to discuss it and cutting them off.

@yogafairy

My ex husband said that I had, and I quote, 'numerous affairs'. I have never had an affair. He however did and that's why I told him to leave. That's not the story he likes to tell though.

Maybe she did or maybe she didn't. It's her life and she made the choices and she has to live with them. It's not for you to confront her about it anymore than your life choices are up for her to debate surely.

But it's not the same. Your ex told a lie about you. If op has been told a lie, her mum could say so.

The only reason for not wanting to discuss something is because you know that discussing it will make you look even worse than refusing to do so.

@twominutesmore that's not the only reason for not discussing it at all. How can any of us know what her mothers reasons are?

I’ll quote this next time someone here posts about their husband having an affair, and point out that their poor husband may have felt trapped and wanted affection. I’m sure that’ll go down well. and it’s entirely possible that even women who come on here to talk about their dh’s affairs that there were issues in the marriage which led to those affairs.

Obviously no-one is going to say that to a woman who has come here for advice re her husband’s affair, but life is rarely black and white. And while some of those affairs will have been as a result of the cheating party just wanting to have their cake and eat it, there will undoubtedly be some who come to the relationships board whose husband’s affair just wasn’t that simple.

I guarantee it would be ' The sleazy disgrace deserves to be NC with you ' , and 'Oh your poor DM'

That would be awful advice to give.

Op is pulled into the issue of her parents marriage breakdown.

Op (and most of mumsnet) are adults and should know one person's side is often not the whole truth.

Anyone who suggests ending a relationship with a parent in these circumstances, especially, without speaking to them really needs to sort themselves out. It's awful advice.

Yes but it's weird that a loving mother wouldn't want to clear something up or explain the reasons, if asked about it by their own grown-up child. I just can't imagine being asked such a question by my own child and both refusing to discuss it and cutting them off.

There are lots of things parents may not discuss with their children.
Affairs, financial problems, their sex life, intimate health, traumatic past events.
It's not about keeping a secret, it's just about not disclosing.
I have tons of stuff that my adult children don't know about me- and many of these things I wouldn't discuss with friends either.

My adult kids remain my children - they are not my friends.

Would you really disclose everything to your adult children?

The fact you ( for example- I am not giving anything away about myself) were assaulted/raped/ had a teen abortion/ have genital herpes/ caught syphilis/ used to be a swinger/sex worker/

Do we have to tell our kids every minute detail of our lives?

Do we have to tell our kids every minute detail of our lives?

No, but they have a right to ask. Especially in the circumstance where they've been affected.

The question isn't whether the mother has the right not to tell her. It's whether the daughter has the right to bring it up.

I think you're within your rights to confront her about her poor behaviour, if you feel it had a negative effect on your life, but I also think it's not surprising that she had this reaction. People don't like being pulled up on their poor choices, and it must be even more awful of an experience when it's your own child doing it.

People who have affairs are shitty people. It absolutely is black and white.

Perhaps if we actually held people accountable and condemned them for their actions they might think twice about cheating.

Yanbu to want to challenge her…

YABU to expect anything from this.

She’ll deny, minimise and blame.

You know this

What do you need to get from this process? If you can identify and share that perhaps we can help you get past it.

[quote yogafairy]@twominutesmore that's not the only reason for not discussing it at all. How can any of us know what her mothers reasons are? [/quote]
We can't. That's why she'd need to explain or risk being judged harshly by her daughter. Seems that's her preference, and to lose her daughter too.

"Do we have to tell our kids every minute detail of our lives?"

If it impacted them, and they asked, and it was important to them, I'd find a way to explain that didn't involve never speaking to them again and telling them to mind their own business, yes I would.

@twominutesmore we really don't have to explain anything to our adult children. Honestly if my adult children started to question me about my OWN life choices I would 100% tell them to mind their own business. I do not question my adult children about their choices why on earth would they 'confront' me! I am a human being with my own thoughts and feelings as well as a being a mother.

This whole thread is so very odd.

• do not question my adult children about their choices why on earth would they 'confront' me! I am a human being with my own thoughts and feelings as well as a being a mother.

This whole thread is so very odd.*

I agree.

I don't have to justify my life choices to anyone.

[quote yogafairy]@twominutesmore we really don't have to explain anything to our adult children. Honestly if my adult children started to question me about my OWN life choices I would 100% tell them to mind their own business. I do not question my adult children about their choices why on earth would they 'confront' me! I am a human being with my own thoughts and feelings as well as a being a mother.

This whole thread is so very odd. [/quote]
That's super. I have a good relationship with my grown up children and wouldn't have a problem with it. Particularly if I'd been fed a narrative for years that now looked likely to be a lie. Obviously, if I was op's mum, and it was true, I'd be evasive and embarrassed. But I'd want to explain, and I certainly wouldn't want to lose a daughter. But we're all different aren't we.

I don't have to justify my life choices to anyone.

Yeah, you do. You have to justify them to those you love who have been affected by them.

I also have a great relationship with my adult children. They have been brought up to be respectful of other peoples choices and would not dream of confronting me about my life decisions.

And honestly, you really don't have to justify your choices to loved ones. You can talk to them about how they felt at the time and even apologise if that's how you feel or you can just say you don't want to discuss it. But you really don't have to justify anything. Life takes us all on strange twists and turns. Sometimes you might make a decision with no idea that it would affect your future children. If the op's mother doesn't feel it's up for discussion, then it's not up for discussion.

"If the op's mother doesn't feel it's up for discussion, then it's not up for discussion."

Well I don't think that's up for dispute.

But I am just saying that I would take a different approach, because I would.

And op wondered whether she WBU to confront her mum about it, and I don't think she was.

She's allowed to ask and her mum is allowed to say that she won't discuss it and doesn't want to talk to her again.

@yogafairy

So what if there are double standards? Women have to put up with double standards from men every single bastard day. So why would we put up with it but when it's against men we aren't allowed? Yeah thats a big fat NOPE from me.

Hear hear. So tiresome all this rushing to the defence of me who I'm sure wouldn't care less about the views of a bunch of women on MN. Hardly going to hurt them is it? As for the accusations of double standards, do they imagine there are only a couple of people who post on MN, hypocritically defending women and maligning men for the same actions? Has it not occurred to them that the more and less tolerant posters might be different people?

Men, not me, obviously

@speakout

*I find it odd that people are saying you have no right to speak to your mum about serial cheating.

It's not surprising that this has upset OP and, of course, she has the right to discuss how her mum's actions have impacted her.*

I'm sorry but I don't agree.

You can't force another human being to discuss anything they don't want to.
Even people accused of criminal charges have the right to remain silent.

You can't force someone, obviously. But that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do, or fair on the other person who might have been affected.

@ChamberPotOfSecrets

Which is why my father left her. I found this out at age 45! She now wants nothing to do with me.

WIBU to be angry and confront her about it?

How did you find this out and how do you know it is true OP