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AIBU?

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Original poster

I asked him for child maintenance and he's threatened to kill himself

110 replies

cadburyegg · 06/03/2022 12:44

Posting for traffic. Really upset.

I've posted on here before about my ex being flaky with child maintenance. I haven't gone to the CMS before now because he has eventually paid up. Today I chased him by text for the week's payment, like I often have to do.

He said he couldn't pay because he was skint etc so I told him that I would go through the CMS. He unleashed a barrage of anger on me. Implying that I shouldn't need his money because I get "handouts" and he gets nothing. I do work and earn an ok salary considering I do reduced hours to fit around the children. I have asked for more hours at work but haven't been approved yet. But I do get CB and a small amount of UC which tops up my wages.

I told him the above (which he already knows) and he told me he was thinking of ending it all because of the "pressure" I am putting on him.

FWIW I suffer majorly with my mental health and find being a single parent to 2 young children immensely stressful. I am on a high dose of ADs. Yet I would never say anything like this or take my problems out on/to him or anyone else

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 06/03/2022 15:10

I do work and earn an ok salary considering I do reduced hours to fit around the children.

You might earn an ‘ok wage’ but it definitely can’t be that much considering you get UC top ups so theres no need to feel an guilt over how much you earn as you obviously aren’t loaded.

I would just go through CMS.
They will look at how much he earns and take out a part of it which don’t leave him short.

It will be a hell of a lot less than the kids actually need and you may find it’s even less than he’s paying now - but at least you won’t need to keep asking him for it and you can keep communication between the two of you to a bare minimum.

He should never make you feel guilty for asking him to provide for his own children when you do it every day.

tara66 · 06/03/2022 15:14

Well ask him to take out life insurance if he does not have it.

TheBigDilemma · 06/03/2022 15:31

Go to the CMS and stop engaging with him, if he stops paying for a bit so be it but… honestly, if he is feeling suicidal I would not be sending the children there, the kids should not be exposed to such drama to make dad happy.

Soontobe60 · 06/03/2022 15:35

Anyone who threatens to kill themselves is doing it to manipulate someone. It’s the most controlling thing a person can do. My sister works with people with severe mental health conditions and many of them threaten to kill themselves in a daily basis. She says it’s the ones who don’t say they’ll kill themselves who are most at risk of doing so.

Just contact CMS, do not engage in unnecessary contact with your ex and certainly don’t get into justifying what income you do or don’t have.

Soontobe60 · 06/03/2022 15:38

Ok, so reading advice for the Samaritans, it seems that sometimes people do threaten then carry it out. Have a read and decide what you should do.
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-worried-about-someone-else/

CushionSpiral · 06/03/2022 15:40

@YearofthePatio

If he threatens to kill himself, ring the police. He'll stop if you do this.

People make suicide threats for two reasons - either because they need immediate help or as a form of emotional abuse. In either case, best to report to the police.

Claim the CM via CMS.

Really good advice, he won’t do it again if the police turn up because he’s threatened suicide. another vote for CMS
CushionSpiral · 06/03/2022 15:42

Take out life insurance on him.
My DF was forced to sign to allow my DM to take life insurance out on him until youngest child was 18. He refused and fought it but was made to consent by the lawyers. She always joked she would be the first investigated if he died.

MorningStarling · 06/03/2022 15:45

It's wrong to dismiss his threat as simply trying to use emotional blackmail to get you to back off. Contrary to what many seem to thinking, it's quite common for people who commit suicide to have talked about their intentions beforehand.

You might not care whether he goes through with it or not, and you should probably go to CMS regardless, but of course you won't get any maintenance payments from a corpse.

I think what a PP said is the best advice, call the police and inform them that he's threatened suicide. They can either make a welfare check or ignore him, if he's bluffing you then a police visit might make him think twice about it in future.

Does he work? You say he doesn't get any handouts like you so I guess that means he does, but in the event that he doesn't work for whatever reason be aware that going to CMS might mean you get even less than now.

GreMay1 · 06/03/2022 15:48

Do you have any kind of idea about your exs salary?

Does he help out with childcare?

I would not up your hours OP. Contact CMS and if needs be get a child arrangement order through the courts.

MorningStarling · 06/03/2022 15:48

@CushionSpiral

Take out life insurance on him. My DF was forced to sign to allow my DM to take life insurance out on him until youngest child was 18. He refused and fought it but was made to consent by the lawyers. She always joked she would be the first investigated if he died.
Where/when was that?

As far as I can tell it's only possible to take life insurance out on another person like this if they consent. How was he "forced" or "made" to consent in this case? Did your mother have some dirt on him or something that she threatened to make public otherwise, or threaten to leave him or something?

hashbrownsandwich · 06/03/2022 15:56

CMS. This is what they are there for.

StopStartStop · 06/03/2022 16:02

CMS.
Look after yourself and your dc.
He can pay up.
If by chance he does take his own life ( they don't usually, no matter what they say), it won't be your fault. At all. Ever.
And definitely tell the police, if he threatens, so he can explain himself to them.

muddyford · 06/03/2022 16:03

It's not whether you need his money. It's because the children are his too and he should contribute financially. You shouldn't have to chase him for it. It's time for CMS to get involved. He won't top himself.

SpilltheTea · 06/03/2022 16:03

Ignore him and contact CMS.

AdaColeman · 06/03/2022 16:05

He isn't going to kill himself. This is just a bit of emotional blackmail, done to frighten you into not making a CMS against him.

Go forward and put in your claim. You need to do this for the sake of your children.

Don't engage with the Ex, you don't need to explain yourself or tell him what you are going to do. He will use everything you tell him, against you, twisting it to justify his own mean actions and make himself feel better.

So keep all interchanges with him to the bare minimum, only about practical arrangements for visits etc.

You will feel so much better when you have got him out of your head. Thanks

Applesonthelawn · 06/03/2022 16:06

He's trying to manipulate you. Go through CMS to avoid this.

lunar1 · 06/03/2022 16:06

Contact them anyway and claim from his estate if needed.

Lurking9to5 · 06/03/2022 16:09

What a manipulative arsehole

MintyFreshBreath · 06/03/2022 16:10

Agree with everyone else re. the CMS. I’m angry on your behalf having been through it myself. These ‘men’ are cheeky as fuck just abdicating their responsibilities as expecting their ex (eg you) to pick up the pieces. Good luck with your claim!

Cakecakecheese · 06/03/2022 16:21

This drives me mad. They plead poverty but imagine if they had to be a full time parent and had to budget for everything on a single person's wage and or/benefits and a small or non existent contribution from the other parent.

VelvetChairGirl · 06/03/2022 16:29

@cadburyegg

Posting for traffic. Really upset.

I've posted on here before about my ex being flaky with child maintenance. I haven't gone to the CMS before now because he has eventually paid up. Today I chased him by text for the week's payment, like I often have to do.

He said he couldn't pay because he was skint etc so I told him that I would go through the CMS. He unleashed a barrage of anger on me. Implying that I shouldn't need his money because I get "handouts" and he gets nothing. I do work and earn an ok salary considering I do reduced hours to fit around the children. I have asked for more hours at work but haven't been approved yet. But I do get CB and a small amount of UC which tops up my wages.

I told him the above (which he already knows) and he told me he was thinking of ending it all because of the "pressure" I am putting on him.

FWIW I suffer majorly with my mental health and find being a single parent to 2 young children immensely stressful. I am on a high dose of ADs. Yet I would never say anything like this or take my problems out on/to him or anyone else

No small talk, dont engage, all contact should be via email or text or something written only that way you have a record of everything said, you can read it several times over if you need to and you you can give yourself time to think about how you will reply to it, if you reply.

you should keep things purely matter of fact and ignore his tantrums, he's not your problem, he has a duty to pay his dues make sure he does, focus on the single issue ignore all tantrums and threats stand your ground, do not be drawn in.

mogsrus · 06/03/2022 16:45

Love it when people say they will kill themselves, not very likely, it’s just talk, to send you in to a ,what if ,mode Go & claim

Original poster
cadburyegg · 06/03/2022 16:48

Thanks for all replies didn’t expect so many.

To answer questions-

The amount we agreed to pay is £69 per week, which is what the child maintenance calculator suggests. He has sent me a breakdown of his income and outgoings before and whilst he is not rolling in cash, he can afford to pay this. There have been some weeks (he gets paid weekly) where he has earned less than usual and we’ve worked out a revised lower amount.

As to why I explained about the salary/benefits, I did this as I’ve seen posts on here criticising “ex wives” who refuse to work more hours etc etc and claim benefits so I wanted to avoid those type of comments.

He does have access to his children and has them on average 1 night a week. I don’t depend on him for childcare

OP posts:
Gingernaut · 06/03/2022 16:51

Go to the CMS.

Keep the texts - they may prove useful.

VelvetChairGirl · 06/03/2022 16:54

@cadburyegg

Thanks for all replies didn’t expect so many.

To answer questions-

The amount we agreed to pay is £69 per week, which is what the child maintenance calculator suggests. He has sent me a breakdown of his income and outgoings before and whilst he is not rolling in cash, he can afford to pay this. There have been some weeks (he gets paid weekly) where he has earned less than usual and we’ve worked out a revised lower amount.

As to why I explained about the salary/benefits, I did this as I’ve seen posts on here criticising “ex wives” who refuse to work more hours etc etc and claim benefits so I wanted to avoid those type of comments.

He does have access to his children and has them on average 1 night a week. I don’t depend on him for childcare

so you have a text message of him saying he's close to topping himself over the pressure of you wanting child support, while he gets the kids 1 day a week?

that sounds like a fun thing you can show to a court.