Who is BU?? Me or DH??

[flaxensunshine]

So some background I am mid 40s, have worked all my life, full time mainly since a teenager. I currently work 30 hours a week in a quite high role so good money etc. I work 30 hours a week so 4 days because my eldest child has their own child and is a single parent and went through a 2 year court battle to get full custody of their child. I had to be available for emotional support and practical support (childcare etc).

Eldest child and their child have now moved out abs are settled (lived with us for the whole court stuff etc) and youngest child now is working full time.

DH has asked me today when I am going to increase my hours to full time as apparently I am selfish for not working full time like him! He was no support during the court stuff although he is a great dad and grandad.

I don’t want to work full time, I feel like now I can finally take some time to myself after 25 years of parenting and grandparenting and also the stress of last few years.

Some extra details. We have no mortgage, it was paid off by me (thanks to family donation) and youngest child has now started paying rent so we don’t need the extra money.

So am I being selfish for not wanting to work full time? It’s only another day and I want it to myself!! But AIBU??

He needs to consider reducing to 30h too, if you don't need the cash & he feels hard done by.

He clearly hasn't counted the time you've spent supporting his & your family & the emotional liad you've shouldered as work.

There's a thread with a similar theme. Depends entirely on your finances and how the cost of living rises will impact you. How's your pension pot looking?

Tell him he was selfish to expect you to do all the emotional support during the past few years so you are even.

or just sit down with him, ask why he is feeling so hard done by and see if you can figure any way that he can drop some hours too.

But I wouldn't put up with that kind of shit for a minute - you have contributed financially and emotionally to your family and you don't need to make yourself miserable so he can feel some sort of primary school sense of "evens".

so this is about 5 hours of work your side as opposed to no support his side

Point that out to him I think that you have taken and supported more hours than him for a long time

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Stuff that for a joke. You've done your bit. Perhaps you could quantify the childcare you've done and add the lump sum you've contributed to give him a wake up call.

Nope . I'm 30 hrs pw and 51 no intention of increasing. I find I have a reasonable balance and my pension- if I stay to 60 - will be decent enough.

@GroggyLegs

He needs to consider reducing to 30h too, if you don't need the cash & he feels hard done by.

He clearly hasn't counted the time you've spent supporting his & your family & the emotional liad you've shouldered as work.

I get that but I guess that’s probably his point, we couldn’t afford for him to do that and live the same lifestyle. He earns much more than me

Can he drop down to 30 hours?

Ya sooo not bu. We work to live, not live to work. Remind him of that and refuse to discuss the issue further I’d say. He can’t insist that you to work more if you don’t need or want to. 30 hours sounds great!

Just saw your update.

But if you're mortgage free & have rent & if you earn good money yourself but DH earns better can you really not afford it? Can 7 hours make such a difference?

Our plan is to get to the point that DH can drop down to 4 days & I will increase to 4 from 3 days as it's nice for both of us to be p/t imo.

YANBU. Time to have some time for yourself.

Does he want to work part time but you both feel you can't afford that then?

This is very different to the other thread, you paid off the mortgage and are not expecting him to financially support you, you work part time (not massively so) but in a week paid role, so probably more than others make full time. He should deficient be able to drop to thirty hours too though if he wants

What is the division of labour within the house? Because if it’s not strictly 50/50 then he is being VERY unreasonable! And I am not just talking the stuff he might want to cherry pick like walking the dog or cooking. I am talking scrubbing the loo, caring for the old or young, and all the 1000s of thankless tasks people often overlook!!!

I get that but I guess that’s probably his point, we couldn’t afford for him to do that and live the same lifestyle. He earns much more than me

Who doesn't want to lose current lifestyle? Him, he needs to work then. You well its not really fair to reduce your hours and expect him to not.

Its not just hours at work though, is it? Start adding up all the hours you do the cooking, laundry, shopping, cleaning, life administration, etc etc etc? Does he really do 50/50 of the physical and mental loads? Do you both get the same amount of free time?

I'm baffled at the lifestyle statement. If you have no mortgage and earn reasonably well, why can't he drop to 30hrs. Where is all your money going?

I’d point out your big cash injection to being mortgage free plus your huge support to your DD & DGD - and then he can STFU

It would be nice if he was happy to work and support you to work part time, but it isn't unreasonable to ask you to contribute the same amount of work hours. Assuming you split the housework 50:50.

So you used a chunk of money from your family M pay off the mortgage, and he earns a lot more than you, but he still wants you to increase your hours. That says to me this isn't about money, it's purely about his stored up (and, for me, mistaken) resentment that you are getting a better deal than him. Trouble is that is really hard to tackle. Though you could, perhaps, try a cards on the table approach where you sit down, say the above to him and ask him to be really honest and tell you about how he's come to feel like this. You can of course do the same in response. What happens then is uncertain but it gets it out in the open.

Sorry to address some questions that I should have made clear in the original post!

I do pretty much everything around the house but that’s mainly because I can work from home due to covid. I am now expected to go back into the office 1-2 days a week but as a manager I can pretty much choose! Also his commute to work is over an hour each way so he is out of the house a good 12 hours a day so I don’t really mind doing most stuff.

Also to the lifestyle comments. Where do I start. We had children very young, I was 20 when I had our first so we went through years of having literally nothing. I then paid the whole cost of the court case and also all the living costs of DGC for approx 3 years so yes no mortgage but debt accrued!

Also for those that assume, my oldest child is male. Not relevant to this post and maybe a new one lol but just saying

"I get that but I guess that’s probably his point, we couldn’t afford for him to do that and live the same lifestyle. He earns much more than me"

Agreed with the poster who said the below:

Who doesn't want to lose current lifestyle? Him, he needs to work then. You - Well its not really fair to reduce your hours and expect him to not.

Also you have incurred debt - that needs to be paid for.

YABU.