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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU?? Me or DH??

81 replies

flaxensunshine · 04/03/2022 21:59

So some background I am mid 40s, have worked all my life, full time mainly since a teenager. I currently work 30 hours a week in a quite high role so good money etc. I work 30 hours a week so 4 days because my eldest child has their own child and is a single parent and went through a 2 year court battle to get full custody of their child. I had to be available for emotional support and practical support (childcare etc).

Eldest child and their child have now moved out abs are settled (lived with us for the whole court stuff etc) and youngest child now is working full time.

DH has asked me today when I am going to increase my hours to full time as apparently I am selfish for not working full time like him! He was no support during the court stuff although he is a great dad and grandad.

I don’t want to work full time, I feel like now I can finally take some time to myself after 25 years of parenting and grandparenting and also the stress of last few years.

Some extra details. We have no mortgage, it was paid off by me (thanks to family donation) and youngest child has now started paying rent so we don’t need the extra money.

So am I being selfish for not wanting to work full time? It’s only another day and I want it to myself!! But AIBU??

OP posts:

AllOfUsAreDead · 05/03/2022 08:44

Guessing your finances are separate of you paid for all the court fees and he didn't.

You do the majority of the housework plus work 30 hours a week. He does little housework and works full time so let's say 37.5 hours a week.

I'd tell him to sod off really. You got the mortgage paid off, you helped your joint child through court by yourself, he didn't bother helping. If he wants to, he can reduce his hours, but accept that the lifestyle changes.

BritInUS1 · 05/03/2022 08:50

Surely it would be fair for you both to have the option to work 4 days a week and then share the housework

If that impacts your lifestyle then that's something you need to sort out between you

But why should he work full time and you work only 4 days a week?

If sounds like you have made the decision without any discussion

Littlescottiedog · 05/03/2022 09:06

You paid the mortgage off with a gift from your family?

Who's decision was it that you would drop to 4 days a week to support your child with the court case?

Are your finances separate?

TBH, it sounds a bit tit-for-tat. You didn't work to pay off the mortgage, it was given to you. You paid all the court fees but your DH has to work to pay off the debt. You were spending your day-off supporting your son, but that was the decision made by you and/or your DH. You do most of the housework but he's out of the home 60 hours a week.

Was it ever an option that your DH would be the one to drop to 4 days to support your son? Or did you decide it was going to be you and he never got to voice his opinion? You WFH so your DH is doing double the hours you do all-in, and now he's working to pay off the debt of the court case. Just seems a bit separate and odd.

FantasticFebruary · 05/03/2022 09:12

@MrsElijahMikaelson1

I’d point out your big cash injection to being mortgage free plus your huge support to your DD & DGD - and then he can STFU

Me too! & add in what an ungrateful twat he is

TonkaTruckduck · 05/03/2022 09:13

After the drip feed about the debt I think YABU.
Can you both work full time for a few years, pay off the debt, build some savings then both drop to 4 days?

Original poster

flaxensunshine · 05/03/2022 09:29

Sorry I wasn’t clear. Our finances are joint. We both paid for the solicitor fees etc. He was in full agreement of that because we both wanted to help our child (and grandchild).

He doesn’t want to drop his hours, well he has never voiced it anyway. To be fair I haven’t asked him but he changed jobs last year as he was bored in his last one as it wasn’t busy enough!

I think it’s just simply that he thinks that as our children are grown up etc the done thing to do would be to work full time.

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 05/03/2022 09:31

Just tell him you’re not going full time, ever. End of conversation.

BigupPemberleyMassive · 05/03/2022 09:34

Get him to read this thread

Booboobadoo · 05/03/2022 09:43

Is he expecting you to continue doing 'pretty much everything' in the house plus work full-time?

SarahProblem · 05/03/2022 10:20

I think have a discussion about what you working full time now would look like re. housework and household errands. Presumably he won't want to do more housework if he has 60 hour weeks.

Also discuss whether he wants to reduce his hours or work towards it and what that will look like practically and financially. You both deserve the rest you mention.

Wotsdestory · 05/03/2022 10:21

Just tell him you won't be, as you're happy as things stand. End of story.

alwayslearning789 · 05/03/2022 10:26

He needs a safety net from illness, redundancy, rising costs and other unexpected events such as supporting the kids, just as much as you do.

It's hard being the breadwinner even if most don't say it.

In your circumstances another 1 day is worth it for so many reasons, including just that little bit of an extra cushion in uncertain times.

I hope you manage to discuss it and reach a reasonable compromise that doesn't breed resentment on either side.

bonfireheart · 05/03/2022 10:30

He was no support during the court stuff although he is a great dad and grandad.
First part of that statement contradicts the second part.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 05/03/2022 10:31

I don’t understand this rivalry between partners. Why doesn’t he want you to be happy? Surely working 4 days a week helps you in some way. It’s strange he can’t see this.

EmpressCixi · 05/03/2022 10:38

I think YABU. You put in hours for court case and as a result worked at least 10hrs/week under full time work. I think he supported you in you working part time while he continued to work full time, as I’m sure his wages pay more of the household costs since you say he earns significantly more than you and I doubt you’d have been able to pay court costs if he were not earning his usual wage. So I don’t think you get to count him working FT to support household while you worked PT as no support at all.

I don’t think it’s fair for any partner in a child free home to unilaterally decide to work PT just because it suits them. What would be fair is for both of you to reduce hours equally. An equal partnership means equal leisure time and right now he’s putting in 12hr days from what you posted, or 60hrs a week and you want to work only 30hrs a week?

You’re not BU to want to work part time, but YABU to do it and leave your partner holding the bag like that. I think it is actually more important to find him a job with less of a commute so he’s not out the house 60hrs a week even if it means a pay cut than for you to go from 40 down to 30hrs a week.

timeisnotaline · 05/03/2022 10:43

‘I thought I’d step up on the paid work side when you step up on the emotional and practical support side.’

As for ‘an equal partnership means equal leisure time’ where was he when the op was being enormous support to the dc and doing childcare? Id estimate her leisure time was much less and a lot of her in theory me time spent planning and thinking re the court case etc.

NightIbble · 05/03/2022 10:45

Ask him if he wants to take on 50% of the household admin and housework!

EmpressCixi · 05/03/2022 10:50

@timeisnotaline

‘I thought I’d step up on the paid work side when you step up on the emotional and practical support side.’

He works 60hr weeks, so most likely he was at work. If we are going to count thinking and planning while sitting on your arse at home as “work” then would he not have done as much?

Too OP initially said he didn’t pay court costs and then corrected herself to say all finances are joint and they both paid all the solicitor fees and court costs. So he was off making the money to pay the courts....plus feed, house and clothe adult DC and baby DGC living with them.

That’s not zero support.,

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/03/2022 10:53

@NightIbble

Ask him if he wants to take on 50% of the household admin and housework!

How much housework and admin is there for three working adults, though, really?

It's not like OP has small children who need lots of care and who make a mess. Even full-time working adults can clean up after themselves, do their own laundry and sort their own bills.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/03/2022 10:57

I do pretty much everything around the house but that’s mainly because I can work from home due to covid

If you want to work part-time and can afford it, that's one thing, but I don't think the argument of "doing everything around the house" really holds much weight when your household is three working adults.

Surely there isn't that much that needs doing?

mudgetastic · 05/03/2022 10:59

You say no mortgage but debt accrued

I would be working full time to clear debt and build a small buffer especially at your age

NoSquirrels · 05/03/2022 11:06

I think it’s just simply that he thinks that as our children are grown up etc the done thing to do would be to work full time.

This sounds much less unreasonable than “selfish for not working FT”…

You need to dig into the conversation further.
Is it financial, or that he’s jealous of free time?

rookiemere · 05/03/2022 11:09

I think the trouble is when men say this they generally mean " I want you to work full time because that's fairer, but I have no intention of picking up any additional housework or admin tasks ".

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/03/2022 11:14

@rookiemere

I think the trouble is when men say this they generally mean " I want you to work full time because that's fairer, but I have no intention of picking up any additional housework or admin tasks ".

But again, how much admin and housework is there when all the people in the house are grown adults who work?

There are no small children - so no childcare, no school runs, no kid-related mess, no activities etc. Surely grown adults just sort their own laundry and do their own personal admin?

The only "work" I can maybe see is the food shop and cooking, but that can be done at weekends and split in the evenings. It's not like it's a load of work that necessitates someone dropping a day at work in order to manage it.

PegasusReturns · 05/03/2022 11:18

I assume the mortgage being paid off had some strings attached otherwise you’d have used the money to avoid debt. It’s quite unusual to have significant debt whilst living mortgage free.

Neither of you are being unreasonable there’s more to live than money but a financial cushion is important.

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