Page 3 | Who is BU?? Me or DH??

flaxensunshine · 2022-03-04T21:59:51+00:00

So some background I am mid 40s, have worked all my life, full time mainly since a teenager. I currently work 30 hours a week in a quite high role so good money etc. I work 30 hours a week so 4 days because my eldest child has their own child and is a single parent and went through a 2 year court battle to get full custody of their child. I had to be available for emotional support and practical support (childcare etc). Eldest child and their child have now moved out abs are settled (lived with us for the whole court stuff etc) and youngest child now is working full time. DH has asked me today when I am going to increase my hours to full time as apparently I am selfish for not working full time like him! He was no support during the court stuff although he is a great dad and grandad. I don’t want to work full time, I feel like now I can finally take some time to myself after 25 years of parenting and grandparenting and also the stress of last few years. Some extra details. We have no mortgage, it was paid off by me (thanks to family donation) and youngest child has now started paying rent so we don’t need the extra money. So am I being selfish for not wanting to work full time? It’s only another day and I want it to myself!! But AIBU??

KosherDill · 05/03/2022 11:19

I can't blame him for wanting to boost the household income and savings now that the kids are grown and settled. Especially if you have debt.

If you're not in a position where both can work part time, it seems unfair for one to. Especially if you're only in your 40s.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2022 11:20

There's only two of us in my house. There's still housework. No mess, but cleaning required.

If the OP goes to work full time all her extra earnings need to go on a cleaner. Or she stays as she is and does it herself

KosherDill · 05/03/2022 11:20

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

I do pretty much everything around the house but that’s mainly because I can work from home due to covid

If you want to work part-time and can afford it, that's one thing, but I don't think the argument of "doing everything around the house" really holds much weight when your household is three working adults.

Surely there isn't that much that needs doing?

This is what I was thinking.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/03/2022 11:22

I'm part-time, our plans are for my husband to be part-time too later in life. Life is to short to spend at work more than you need to.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/03/2022 11:23

@Nanny0gg

There's only two of us in my house. There's still housework. No mess, but cleaning required.

If the OP goes to work full time all her extra earnings need to go on a cleaner. Or she stays as she is and does it herself

Of course there's still housework, but there's not going to be loads of it unless you specifically create work to do.

I don't have kids - just me, DH, three cats and a dog. Housework can be done in less than thirty minutes a day on average. It's hardly something that requires one adult to drop to part-time hours.

If OP wants to work part-time and can afford to do so, that's fine. I work part-time, but I don't justify it by saying it's because there's loads of housework to do on my days off, lol.

Weenurse · 05/03/2022 11:38

Offer to work 9 days a fortnight each.
List the jobs you do on your days off so he knows what will be expected of him on his day off.
See what he says.
I don’t think some partners know what goes into keeping a household running and maintained. It happens when they aren’t there and they don’t think about it.

lanthanum · 05/03/2022 11:41

@flaxensunshine

Sorry to address some questions that I should have made clear in the original post!

I do pretty much everything around the house but that’s mainly because I can work from home due to covid. I am now expected to go back into the office 1-2 days a week but as a manager I can pretty much choose! Also his commute to work is over an hour each way so he is out of the house a good 12 hours a day so I don’t really mind doing most stuff.

Also to the lifestyle comments. Where do I start. We had children very young, I was 20 when I had our first so we went through years of having literally nothing. I then paid the whole cost of the court case and also all the living costs of DGC for approx 3 years so yes no mortgage but debt accrued!

So you're happy doing most of the chores, while you are part-time. It sounds as if going full-time might change that balance, and he might then need to step up a bit.

Beneficentbovine88 · 05/03/2022 11:46

Sorry but if you have debts then YABU.

My answer would have been the reverse if you were debt-free.

It also depends on how much debt, and how long it will take to pay off.

Btw, I don't think anyone can say for sure "oh the housework doesn't take that long with 3 adults in the house'. That may be the case for some households. But there are too many variables to be so certain. Whether you cook from scratch, or eat a main meal at work, how big your house is, whether it's an old property or spanking new in good order, how messy the adults are, and whether or not they have a long commute ...in the op's case her DH is out of the house 12 hours a day, so I don't imagine he is doing much housework during the week anyway. And quite a few young adults living at home are not the best at helping out.

So, once the debt situation has been sorted, I think the op would be more than justified to work 4 days if she is doing everything else.

There seem to be many domestic goddesses on Mumsnet who are incredibly energetic and super efficient but my personal experience has been that household tasks always take longer than you think and are never ending.

MarrymeTomHardy · 05/03/2022 11:52

Sorry if someone else suggested this but as a compromise would your work allow ft hours over 4 days - you still get your 'day off' but are contributing to paying off the accrued debt quicker...?

rookiemere · 05/03/2022 11:54

They have no mortgage though.
I'm probably biased I work 30 hrs a week- am 51- and little intention of increasing them.
My reasons :

Those extra 5 hrs would all be in the upper tax band so I'd see around 50% of the income
I have a decent pension if I keep going until 60 which because I work reduced hours doesn't seem as daunting.
I've said to DH to cut down to 4 days if he wants but he prefers to plan to retire early
I do most of the house cleaning and laundry. DH wanted a dog so we got a dog and that means a lot more cleaning than if we didn't have one
DH has a lot more extravagant tastes than me so flashy cars that cost a lot of money. I'm not working more hours so he can buy a better car
Lastly and most importantly I work slightly reduced hours ( a mere 5 below full time) because I enjoy it. I do a few hours cleaning go to my exercise class, maybe meet a friend for lunch.

mudgetastic · 05/03/2022 12:08

Debt though

CarrieHughes · 05/03/2022 12:31

YABU.
You lied. Saying that you paid the court fees etc and then happily backtracked.
You're in a precarious financial position with your debt, despite having paid the mortgage off.
And your DH hasn't been sitting on his arse! He's been commuting 2 hours a day, earning to pay for the court fees, and you're still relying on his high income to pay for your current lifestyle.
You don't deserve a day off any more than does. Having worked since you were a teen is irrelevant.

CarrieHughes · 05/03/2022 12:36

Also there seems to be a transactional issue hre OP.
In your mind you 'paid the mortgage off'. Maybe you think this entitles you to take it easy.
In his mind he's been working hard, long commute, you were PT + did all that emotional stuff which was fair. The debt was accrued by you both. Now all of that stuff is over, so why wouldn't you return to work?

You should both be taking it easy now that the mortgage has been paid off. But you can't because of your debts if it makes sense. Why is the full burden of that on him?

Kite22 · 05/03/2022 13:24

I don't have kids - just me, DH, three cats and a dog. Housework can be done in less than thirty minutes a day on average. It's hardly something that requires one adult to drop to part-time hours.

Well, if the OP does everything needed for the house, I'd be very surprised if that can be completed in 30mins a day (3.5 hours a week).
I can do our shop in about 45mins from leaving home to returning, but I'm quicker than most in that supermarket is close and I shop in Aldi which is quicker than other supermarkets.

Then, without doing anything complicated let's say 30mins on average to prep a meal each day (Yes, there are some things I can do in less, but there are others that take longer) - well that is 3.5 hours on it's own.
So where are you counting all the following:
Now, I'm fairly slovenly compared with many on MN, but say you vacuum a whole house once a week.... clean toilets / shower /bath....the odd bit of dusting once a fortnight / mopping hard floors and lino..... add in the 'occasional' jobs - defrosting the freezer once a year.....cleaning the oven every couple of months..... cleaning the fridge......cleaning woodwork round the house......all the stuff like putting up then putting away Christmas decs......cleaning windows.....taking care of plants......
Then sorting paperwork....finding best prices for insurance, utilities etc
Oh, and the daily stuff of washing up or loading / unloading dishwasher...wiping down surfaces and so forth?
Laundry and all that entails - no, not much on it's own for 3 adults, but still starts adding up (with everything else) to a lot more than 30mins a day.

If the OP's dh does nothing, then the OP is definitely doing a LOT more than 30mins a day.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 05/03/2022 13:25

I think you're on tenuous ground by saying you paid off the mortgage and you misrepresented a few things in your OP based on your updates. Can see both points of view on this one so hopefully you reach a compromise.

EmpressCixi · 05/03/2022 13:27

@DisforDarkChocolate

I'm part-time, our plans are for my husband to be part-time too later in life. Life is to short to spend at work more than you need to.

The key here is that you say it is “our plan”. As in your DH agrees with you. That is completely different from the situation the OP is in.

Kite22 · 05/03/2022 13:28

However, the issue here is that, as a couple, you have debt.

The issue is, that as a couple, you need to look at your finances, and your longer term plans, and decide together the best way forward for you.
It seems odd to have got to your stage of life, no mortgage and adult dc and have debt when you both have reasonably paying jobs. Maybe the legal fees were massive ? We don't know, but presumably you talked about this, and about how you were going to pay for them before you did so?
As with so many questions on here, it is about communication with your dh, and what you both decided on before taking on this debt.

EmpressCixi · 05/03/2022 13:30

If the OP's dh does nothing, then the OP is definitely doing a LOT more than 30mins a day.

I agree it is more than 30mins a day, but think it cannot add up to 30hrs a week which would only put OP on par with her DH who is at 60hrs per week. And besides the DH may want to cut his hours down to say 40 per week and do more life admin/household work. But he’s not being given the option. Op is taking him for granted and thinks she can coast along working far less than him overall without his agreement.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/03/2022 13:38

Well, if the OP does everything needed for the house, I'd be very surprised if that can be completed in 30mins a day (3.5 hours a week).

Well, I know I manage it - 3.5 hours per week is honestly plenty for housework for three adults, lol.

I can do our shop in about 45mins from leaving home to returning, but I'm quicker than most in that supermarket is close and I shop in Aldi which is quicker than other supermarkets.

I do my food shop online while I'm watching TV in the evenings - hardly arduous or taxing. Yes, doing it in person will take longer but with three adults, someone can do it on the weekend and just alternate it so you're only doing it once or twice month each.

Then, without doing anything complicated let's say 30mins on average to prep a meal each day (Yes, there are some things I can do in less, but there are others that take longer) - well that is 3.5 hours on it's own.

I don't count cooking dinner as housework - it's just part of what you have to do to sustain yourself. It's something that should be evenly split between the three working adults in the house.

So where are you counting all the following:

Now, I'm fairly slovenly compared with many on MN, but say you vacuum a whole house once a week.... clean toilets / shower /bath....the odd bit of dusting once a fortnight / mopping hard floors and lino.....

I vacuum daily, clean the loo daily, rinse the shower out after every use (as does DH), sweep the hard floors daily and mop once a week. It barely takes any time if you do it daily as it never has the chance to build up.

add in the 'occasional' jobs - defrosting the freezer once a year.....cleaning the oven every couple of months..... cleaning the fridge......cleaning woodwork round the house......all the stuff like putting up then putting away Christmas decs......cleaning windows.....taking care of plants......

Well, I don't have plants, I wipe the fridge weekly before the food shop comes and I can't say I've ever cleaned a window or a skirting board in my life. The window cleaner does the windows and I vacuum the skirting boards when they start looking mucky. I can't say I've ever cleaned an oven in my life, lol.

Then sorting paperwork....finding best prices for insurance, utilities etc

I'd say that takes me maybe two hours a year, if that? Bills are on direct debit and when I get an e-mail saying insurance is up for renewal, I'll either just let the policy renew or spend half an hour on a price comparison site somewhere.

Oh, and the daily stuff of washing up or loading / unloading dishwasher...wiping down surfaces and so forth?

Again, I do that daily and it only takes 10-15 minutes a day split over the day. We also don't have a dishwasher so everything is washed by hand.

Laundry and all that entails - no, not much on it's own for 3 adults, but still starts adding up (with everything else) to a lot more than 30mins a day.

Again, it takes two minutes to put clothes in a machine and press a button, and another five minutes at the end of the drying cycle to unload and put it away. What are people doing that makes it take so long?

If the OP's dh does nothing, then the OP is definitely doing a LOT more than 30mins a day

And if she is, that's by choice, not necessity. But I'm of the school of thought that housework expands to fill the amount of time you have. If you only have thirty minutes, you can get a surprising amount done in that time if you actually focus and don't let yourself get distracted.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/03/2022 14:37

I think it’s just a discussion you both need to have and way up what works. I think you both need to be open minded to each other’s opinions.

greef · 05/03/2022 22:35

Again, it takes two minutes to put clothes in a machine and press a button, and another five minutes at the end of the drying cycle to unload and put it away. What are people doing that makes it take so long

Maybe having a sense of responsibility to not completely fuck up the planet by doing a little air drying .... outside drying? You should be ashamed @fairylightsandwaxmelts

KosherDill · 06/03/2022 01:38

@greef

Again, it takes two minutes to put clothes in a machine and press a button, and another five minutes at the end of the drying cycle to unload and put it away. What are people doing that makes it take so long

Maybe having a sense of responsibility to not completely fuck up the planet by doing a little air drying .... outside drying? You should be ashamed @fairylightsandwaxmelts

I work full time, run a side business, do eldercare, have a high maintenance senior pet and a complex perennial garden (and clean house) and still manage to air/line dry 90 percent of my laundry.

KosherDill · 06/03/2022 01:41