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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a day out with one child and get someone to look after the other?

92 replies

mnetting · 04/03/2022 18:48

I am in two minds about this but I have a 6yo dd who is really well behaved and easy going and a 4yo dd who is very hard work and challenging so days out are always trying with the younger one with her strong will and unwillingness to cooperate ever.
I would like to take dd1 for a day out just me and her as I feel we have an amazing bond but dd2 being such hard work and takes all our attention.
We could have a day out while my dh looks after our youngest one sat/sun but then I think could I do that when we should all go as a family?
WIBU to just take one dd?
My dh thinks that's cruel and unkind but I can't help thinking I'd love to spend time with dd1 without it being overshadowed by dd2 who we suspect is neurodiverse. I'm a SAHM and have both FT so it would partly be a break for me but also for dd1 to enjoy a day where she gets my full attention.

OP posts:

SonicStars · 04/03/2022 20:31

Is DH not their dad then?

I'm finding it very surreal the concept of asking him to look after a child otherwise and the whole idea that one child is missing out.

Surely one child is getting quality time with mum whilst the other is getting quality time with dad.
Separating the children to do things that are appropriate to them makes sense. Your DH is being a dick if he's father to either child. (If he's not father then he's making it quite clear he has no interest in taking a fatherly role.

MrsEG · 04/03/2022 20:38

I have twins and I love doing this. I’ve never known just one of them and I love the occasional 1-1 time. Just make sure you do it for both of them; my parents tend to take the other for the day so that me and DH can both enjoy the 1-1 time with them together (I think he’d be quite jealous if I enjoyed that rare moment solo!)

Original poster

mnetting · 04/03/2022 20:41

I think it's the "I work you're child care attitude. I thought I'd stay home until dd2 starts school in September so hopefully he'll take a more active roll then. Yes both his.

OP posts:

Bunnycat101 · 04/03/2022 20:51

Your DH’s response is utterly bizarre. Do the children not do separate activities/parties/play dates etc? I always like to give my eldest 1:1 time during school holidays and will often keep younger one in nursery. Is your youngest in any form of nursery/pre-school? Dividing up for a bit on the weekend is much easier. I can’t imagine why he’d think it cruel.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/03/2022 20:56

Yes, they each need some 121 time with you - and similarly with DH if possible.

It’s not cruel to have solo time with your eldest. Especially as your younger dd isn’t in school yet so gets lots of time alone with you. I’d say it was pretty essential. Dd1 must feel like dd2 is always there!

Your DH sounds like he doesn’t want to be left alone with dd2 , which isn’t great

Porkbuttsandtaters · 04/03/2022 21:00

It’s far from cruel. It’s lovely to do something one on one. As long as both DDs get roughly the same one on one time with you. Your DHs response is just bizarre??! He also has 2 children and can have one for a day while you take the other out. I have done various theatre/cinema/days to London with each of my two in the past and never ‘asked’ DH, just said I’d booked x or y for whichever child it was for.

2ndBorn · 04/03/2022 21:05

We try to do ‘one to one dates’ with our boys. We have 3. Both myself & DH love the special time with just one child & we try to alternate & balance it as much as we can as well as family days out.
Your DH response is bizarre! I think one to one time is SO important and also really lovely!

MotherWol · 04/03/2022 21:08

I think it's the "I work you're child care attitude. I thought I'd stay home until dd2 starts school in September so hopefully he'll take a more active roll then.

If this is his attitude now, it’s unlikely to change when the youngest starts school. Even if you’re working, you’ll still be responsible for the children, he’ll expect you to stay off work if they’re sick.

He realises that childcare is harder than work, and he doesn’t want to do it. Sorry, OP.

NerrSnerr · 04/03/2022 21:17

@mnetting

I think it's the "I work you're child care attitude. I thought I'd stay home until dd2 starts school in September so hopefully he'll take a more active roll then. Yes both his.

He won't change if you go back to work. He sounds awful. You need to remind him that he also has 2 children.

NerrSnerr · 04/03/2022 21:19

I will add that we also do this. My children are 7 and 4 and we divide and conquer all the time.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 04/03/2022 21:24

We are taking the 2 ds's out tomorrow.. 2 teen dd's staying home. A total non issue imo.
Your dh just doesn't want to be stuck home with the 'bouncy' dc
.

PicturesOfLily · 04/03/2022 21:31

I’m hoping this is fine as I’m planning on sending dc2 to nursery one day in the Easter holidays so I can have a 1:1 day with my eldest. It will be the first time since dc2 was born a year ago so long overdue!

Kite22 · 04/03/2022 22:39

Of course YAN only being perfectly reasonable, you are doing excellent parenting.
It is really important to spend 1:1 time with our dc as they grow up, regardless of one being an 'easier' child or on 'more challenging'. You could have 5 most perfect dc, but it is still invaluable to make time to give each of them some time alone with you every now and then.

girlmom21 · 05/03/2022 07:22

@mnetting

I think it's the "I work you're child care attitude. I thought I'd stay home until dd2 starts school in September so hopefully he'll take a more active roll then. Yes both his.

But he doesn't work 24/7 does he

Petalpup · 05/03/2022 07:26

Yes it’s a good idea. I have a really clear memory of my mum leaving my little sister with grandparents so she could take me roller skating and I felt so happy and grown up to be spending time with just her.

I’d also take the younger one out 1:1 so you can develop the relationship with her

PerseverancePays · 05/03/2022 07:37

You have a husband problem; he sees you as the household appliance and you are being very inconvenient absenting yourself for part of a day at the weekend.
Why does his opinion override yours?
Time for him to pull his big boy pants up and do some parenting. Younger daughter is four, easy enough to talk to and entertain.

Besidetheseaside3 · 05/03/2022 08:00

Of course this is fine! Me and DH try to have 1-1 days with our boys once or twice a month. Both autistic and both very very different. Oldest is quiet and sensitive and likes days out to the zoo, bird spotting down the canal, or to the beach to look at rock pools. Youngest is like a little rocket and full of energy, he likes to run around crazy for a few hours so it's usually the trampoline/inflatables park or soft play for him. I usually take one while DH takes the other, then we swap next time. Of course we have family days out too but as they have such different interests, it makes sense to give them time to enjoy those interests on their own.

Your DH's attitude towards this is odd and it sounds like he simply doesn't think it's his 'job' to look after either of his children on his own. I wouldn't ask him again, simply tell him you are off out for the day with DD1 as you head out the door.

TyrannosaurusRights · 05/03/2022 08:12

Forget taking Dd1 out alone tomorrow. You need to take yourself out alone first. Let DH manage both kids alone.

Cabbagepie · 05/03/2022 19:32

Your DH needs to step up and take the 4 year old out somewhere they would enjoy rather than complaining about unfairness!

Whatafustercluck · 06/03/2022 19:51

I should also have said op, that if your youngest dd is neurodiverse, I totally understand what you're saying about the amount of attention this takes away from your eldest. It's absolutely vital you spend one to one time with both of them.

We're in the same position. I was chatting to our ds the other week and he said 'when dd is kicking off, you don't seem to hear me'. We're now making time to 'hear him' regularly. I love dd with all my heart, but her quirks do indeed mean she is difficult to manage sometimes and that she demands a lot of attention. Both of ours benefit from special time with each of us.

Swonderful · 06/03/2022 19:56

It's great to have one on one time because each child has their own relationship with you. We don't have relationships with "the family" as a whole but with each person in it. I don't understand the obsession some families have with always having to do things as a family. It's a recipe for jealousy as you never get quality time with one parent.

KittyWindbag · 06/03/2022 20:12

I think having one on one time with both, but especially the eldest, is really important at times like this. I feel like my eldest needs a day of just me and him soon.

TirednessButHappiness · 06/03/2022 20:22

Yanbu.
Your DH is being odd.

We both take the DC out 1:1 at times, it’s nice for them to have time alone with us and also do things that the other might not enjoy or be old enough for.

I took dd to the cinema this afternoon and it was lovely just having a fun outing together without DH or DS.

LittleBearPad · 06/03/2022 20:26

It’s completely reasonable to spend time with one or other of your children at a time. Your husband’s an arse.

Johnnypiratesfriend · 06/03/2022 20:28

I have 3 children one of whom is significantly physically disabled and requires a lot if attention. I set each of my children some time with me alone a few times a months. It's written on the calendar and they get quite excited. Sometimes we stay in and the others go out some times we go out. My eldest loves planning what we are going to do. Her next plan is a posh breakfast at the fancy restaurant down the road. We also built lego and craft she received for her birthday in a quiet house without siblings 'helping'. The younger ones like duck feeding messy play etc.
I find it a great way to keep communication open and bond.

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