Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Aibu to not make her apologise again?

82 replies

Sendhelporwine · 04/03/2022 14:31

Bil and his wife are in the middle of a divorce. They have 2 DD's the eldest is not bil's child. She's 9 and been struggling with the divorce massively which is understandable. One of the main issues is she feels like she'll no longer be part of our extended family so we've all been making and extra effort to reassure her that this is not the case. So the inlaws have been spending quite a bit of extra time with her to the point DD has noticed so we've just been reassuring her that they love their grandkids all the same DNiece is just needing a little extra support right now.

Yesterday I had DNiece round for dinner and while I was cooking her and DD began squabbling over who was the favourite grandchild. DNiece stating it was her because inlaws spend more time with her etc. DD insisting that no one was the favourite but then lost her temper and screamed that I couldn't be DNiece as she wasn't even their grandchild. I intervened talked to DD about why what she had said was hurtful the asked her ro apologise which she did and as a result she's lost all her screentime for a week.I also gave bil the heads up about what happened and he had no issues with how it was handled when he picked DNiece up.

Today I recieved a text from BIL's wife. The gist of it were that my punishments were not enough and she wanted DD to apologise for her behaviour. I replied and stated that the punishment DD recieved was really nothing to do with her as she isn't her parent and that DD had already apologised. She has then pretty much called all of DP's family to complain about the situation.

She is now refusing to let DNiece attend Mil's birthday meal tomorrow unless DD apologises again. Several of DP's family have asked if I would not just make DD apologise for the sake of keeping the peace. In my opinion it was a children's spat that she is blowing up into something more causing unnecessary drama so AIBU to not make Dd apologise again?

OP posts:

Samcro · 04/03/2022 14:32

yanbu

Xmassprout · 04/03/2022 14:34

I wouldn't make her apologise again. She has already apologised and been punished.

What your daughter said was really horrible, but your niece is almost as bad for squabbling over who is the favourite grandchild.

Onlyforcake · 04/03/2022 14:35

Hell no. Making a child apologise so she gets to witness it like some sort of queen on a throne? Fuck that. Either she takes your word you handled it or she shuts up for good. Literally ignore and turn up anyway.

DropYourSword · 04/03/2022 14:35

It was a shitty thing your DD said, and describing it as a children's spat would probably infuriate your nieces parents!
However, I'm assuming your DD is around the same age (so, 9ish). She has apologised and you've enacted an appropriate punishment. It's shitty of them to expect her to apologise again. What's done is done and dealt with.

PeeAche · 04/03/2022 14:36

YANBU. I'm adopted and in my family, I would regularly be used a game piece by my mother to virtue signal and to help her win family spats.

The real spat here is between her and her STB ex. She's using her daughter and your daughter to draw lines and make the division out of something else.

Her daughter won't appreciate it. And your daughter, with whom all of your loyalties lie when the chips are down, does not need a life lesson in giving grovelling apologies at someone else's demand.

This is all assuming that apologies have already been made between the two girls, when the event happened. Nothing more is needed.

Onlyforcake · 04/03/2022 14:36

The MIL should be putting her foot down (softly) with them both to make it clear there are no favourites, shes got the clout needed i suspect.

AllAmericanGirl · 04/03/2022 14:39

Yanbu. She's apologised, there is absolutely no need to make it into a public spectacle and humiliate her. Like you said, the decisions around discipline are yours.

Gizacluethen · 04/03/2022 14:39

Your niece said their grandparents loved her more than your daughter. That's also a really shitty thing to say.

Your daughter appologised and received a pretty big punishment. Anything more would just be bullying I think.

ExSIL is only going to hurt her child by refusing to let her come to meal, reinforcing that she's not a member of your family.

ginnybag · 04/03/2022 14:42

She's apologised and been punished, and whilst her behaviour wasn't okay and what she said was very unkind, the other child isn't blameless, either - in fact, she started it. Your DD had tried to defuse it in quite a mature way before becoming upset. It could be argued that your DD has apologised and been punished, but it doesn't sound like hers has, for insisting she was the favourite grandchild? That's an unkind, hurtful comment, too.

Personally, I think its all got way out of hand. Kids squabble, but it's dealt with and done, and that's that. If SIL is daft enough to keep her DD away from a family event over this, she'll be contributing to the issue she's panicking over, but that's not your fault and should affect your behaviour.

incognitoforthisone · 04/03/2022 14:44

YANBU. Assuming DD and DNiece are around the same age, they were having a typical childish argument and your DD said something nasty, as kids that age do when they're angry with each other. She's apologised, you've had a serious conversation with her about why she was wrong to say something so hurtful, and you punished her appropriately. It's unfair on both your DD and poor DNiece to keep dragging this out and to stop DNiece from attending family events as a result; it's petty as hell.

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 14:45

Has she apologised to your DD for the nasty things she said?

Everyone giving this girl extra attention isn't the answer. She needs to be treated equally if she's being told she's still part of the family.

sadpapercourtesan · 04/03/2022 14:49

No, I wouldn't make her apologise again. She's apologised, consequences have been given, the matter is closed.

It's unfortunate that your DD lost her temper and went for the jugular (whether she meant to or not) but endlessly prostrating herself won't make the other child feel any better and is just performative crap to appease angry adults.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/03/2022 14:51

I agree - you’ve given your dd a punishment and she’s apologised. That’s that. If anything, it’s now DN’s turn to apologise to her for saying what she said.

No way should your dd apologise again.

The rest of the family need to see that it’s not appropriate to push for this either. I’d pull out myself if I thought there was going to be a hint of anyone raising it with your dd again.

Erinyes · 04/03/2022 14:53

YANBU. And I think the context needs to be taken into account in both girls’ behaviour. If your patents have been spending extra time with your niece to the point where your daughter has noticed the disparity, there’s probably a lot of tension in the air, even leaving aside the divorce itself. And realistically, if after the divorce, your niece’s connection to the family is gone, it’s quite likely contact will drop. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it continue as before.

BobHadBitchTits · 04/03/2022 14:56

I think you've been too harsh. Apologising and losing screen time for a day would have been enough.

Kids are pricks.

Lollypop701 · 04/03/2022 15:01

Tell SIL it’s fine as long as his dd apologies for saying she is most loved to your dd. Or tell her to bugger off. Yanbu and sil is playing games

SoManyTshirts · 04/03/2022 15:13

YANBU. Almost seems as if the ex resents BIL family being involved with the DD who is not related to them.

I’m not sure how BIL can deal with that, but IIRC she would still be counted as ‘a child of the marriage’ if she lived with them. I was granted access to my stepchildren many years ago (uncontested, but in the days when all family arrangements on divorce went to court).

thing47 · 04/03/2022 15:18

I don't think you need to pay much attention to BIL's soon-to-be-ex's opinion, OP. I would have responded exactly like you did – your DD has been told off, and been punished according to what you think is appropriate. What an unrelated person thinks is appropriate is neither here nor there, and none of her business. Don't give in to her attempted manipulation.

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 04/03/2022 15:19

Yanbu. Your daughter has apologised, she’s been punished, it’s done. I understand that what she said was hurtful for both the child who’s already having a hard time and her mother but her mother is actually making it worse by blowing it up to be even bigger and drawing attention to it even more. Hopefully she calms down soon.

Sparticuscaticus · 04/03/2022 15:23

@Gizacluethen

Your niece said their grandparents loved her more than your daughter. That's also a really shitty thing to say.

Your daughter appologised and received a pretty big punishment. Anything more would just be bullying I think.

ExSIL is only going to hurt her child by refusing to let her come to meal, reinforcing that she's not a member of your family.

This ^ 1000xxx

That would also be the brief gist of any reply I made to SIL if she contacted me

I would also say same to PIL or to anyone else interfering .
OP You're the parent, and the adult who witnessed it, saw unkindness on both sides and that both needed to apologise to each other. DD has apologised and has a significant consequence . It is not for anyone else to pile on or try to bully DD after you dealt with it fully . There will be no more discussions about it as the subject is done.

Then it is entirely up to SIL if she attends the family event or if she self sabotages/ creates the very thing she is worried about happening and starts to estrange DNeice from the family. That's SIL's call and it would be a shame if she does so.

If SIL doesn't play this right and over-fusses her DD then the two cousins will resent each other and DD will not want to be around DNeice if she acts all entitled and mean . Good parents would nip that in the bud quickly and see this as a pivotal point. OP did but SIL doesn't seem
to realise that

Grandma should be saying "Neither of you two are my favourite I love you both the same! I am not happy that you were both mean last week to each other, I expect you to be kind as we are family and always will be. Now make me proud please"

ittakes2 · 04/03/2022 15:25

yanbu but it sounds like you must have been talking about this girl not being a biological grandchild in front of your daughter - I don't think this sort of thing crosses children's minds unless they hear conversations.

BobHadBitchTits · 04/03/2022 15:25

Was your daughter even trying to be mean, or was she just stating it in the matter-of-fact/black and white way child see the world?

StringyPotatoes · 04/03/2022 15:27

"Hi SIL,
DD has apologised to DNiece and, as I explained to BIL, I have issued appropriate consequences to DD for her unpleasant comment.
Both girls left friends so I do not think any further action or apology is required.

I sincerely hope you reconsider preventing DNiece from attending as this will undoubtedly upset MIL.

Best wishes
X"

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 15:30

@ittakes2

It does. I grew up in a really complex blended family and it's absolutely the kind of things kids are aware of and will use as sticks to beat each other with.

FantasticFebruary · 04/03/2022 15:31

Maybe tell them DD will apologise again when the niece apologises about claiming to be the favourite Grandaughter as the inlaws have been spending more time with her lately to make sure she still feels included.🙄🙄

What your DD said was mean & nasty, but she's already apologised and at 9 shouldn't have to put up with being goaded like that. It was 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other and I'd make that well known.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread