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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not make her apologise again?

82 replies

Sendhelporwine · 04/03/2022 14:31

Bil and his wife are in the middle of a divorce. They have 2 DD's the eldest is not bil's child. She's 9 and been struggling with the divorce massively which is understandable. One of the main issues is she feels like she'll no longer be part of our extended family so we've all been making and extra effort to reassure her that this is not the case. So the inlaws have been spending quite a bit of extra time with her to the point DD has noticed so we've just been reassuring her that they love their grandkids all the same DNiece is just needing a little extra support right now.

Yesterday I had DNiece round for dinner and while I was cooking her and DD began squabbling over who was the favourite grandchild. DNiece stating it was her because inlaws spend more time with her etc. DD insisting that no one was the favourite but then lost her temper and screamed that I couldn't be DNiece as she wasn't even their grandchild. I intervened talked to DD about why what she had said was hurtful the asked her ro apologise which she did and as a result she's lost all her screentime for a week.I also gave bil the heads up about what happened and he had no issues with how it was handled when he picked DNiece up.

Today I recieved a text from BIL's wife. The gist of it were that my punishments were not enough and she wanted DD to apologise for her behaviour. I replied and stated that the punishment DD recieved was really nothing to do with her as she isn't her parent and that DD had already apologised. She has then pretty much called all of DP's family to complain about the situation.

She is now refusing to let DNiece attend Mil's birthday meal tomorrow unless DD apologises again. Several of DP's family have asked if I would not just make DD apologise for the sake of keeping the peace. In my opinion it was a children's spat that she is blowing up into something more causing unnecessary drama so AIBU to not make Dd apologise again?

OP posts:
Sparticuscaticus · 04/03/2022 15:32

@Sendhelporwine
Actually OP you've already dealt with it
Don't think you need to do anything more than leave whether DNiece comes to family meal to BIL and to nip in the bud any suggestion made by other family members that your DD has any reason nor need to apologise a second time and they are not to pour oil on troubled water

saraclara · 04/03/2022 15:33

I don't get it. Who does SIL want her to apologise to? The person she hurt was DN. And she's already apologised to her. Is SIL expecting another one so that she can witness it? Or is she expecting a staged me a culpa for the whole family to witness?

This is nuts. Assuming that DD's apology was genuine and not a sulky 'I'm being forced to do this but don't think for a minute that I mean it' one, then it's done and over.

That's not to say that it wasn't a truly awful thing to say though. And I can kind of understand how upset DN's mother would be, even if DN did bring up the subject.

saraclara · 04/03/2022 15:34

@StringyPotatoes

"Hi SIL, DD has apologised to DNiece and, as I explained to BIL, I have issued appropriate consequences to DD for her unpleasant comment. Both girls left friends so I do not think any further action or apology is required.

I sincerely hope you reconsider preventing DNiece from attending as this will undoubtedly upset MIL.

Best wishes
X"

Yep. Perfect.
girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 15:35

I think this is the start of SIL showing how difficult she's going to be when the divorce is finalised.

Georgeskitchen · 04/03/2022 15:37

No absolutely not. Six of one and half a dozen of the other, they both said unpleasant things. They are kids.
No need to keep dragging it out

ChocolateMassacre · 04/03/2022 15:44

I'd send a message like this:

"Hi SIL, just to reiterate that DD has already apologised to DNiece and has been appropriately punished for her behaviour. She is very sorry and understands how hurtful her comments were. Both girls behaved badly and said unpleasant things to each other, but given their ages and that they parted friends, we don't think it is appropriate to rake the matter up again and punish DD further."

GabriellaMontez · 04/03/2022 15:45

Yanbu.

Sil off her rocker. Sounds like she may be creating the very situation her dd is worried about.

I also think the punishment is harsh. I suspect you made it harsh because you feel sorry for dn. Although an apology would have been enough. Did the Dn apologise?

gamerchick · 04/03/2022 15:47

Tell her fine, you'll ask her to apologise again but you'll be revoking the punishment.

BlondeWidow · 04/03/2022 15:50

YADNBU - Apologising again just serves to devalue the concept of apologising to your daughter. In other words it becomes detrimental.
Just text and say "DD has apologised. DNieces accepted apology and are friends again. We will chat at the birthday dinner. We can talk about it then if you're still not happy but as far as DD is concerned, the matter is dealt with. See you tomorrow! "

AryaStarkWolf · 04/03/2022 15:53

I don't understand why she's demanding a second apology? Why? She's already apologised? Don't do it

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 04/03/2022 15:56

Yanbu

billy1966 · 04/03/2022 16:09

Absolutely not.

Wouldn't tolerate her interference in any way.

DN started it.

Your SIL sounds like a handicap to her child if she is engaging in such behaviour.

She doesn't get to tell you what to do with your child ever.

I would not be entertaining any calls requesting you to keep the peace.

Awful behaviour from your SIL.

Unnecessary drama.

Samcro · 04/03/2022 16:10

your poor dd she is only 9, she lost her cool after being wound up, apologised and got an ott punishment.
no way would I make her apologise again. sounds like her grandparents should stop plying favourites.

WorraLiberty · 04/03/2022 16:15

@Samcro

your poor dd she is only 9, she lost her cool after being wound up, apologised and got an ott punishment. no way would I make her apologise again. sounds like her grandparents should stop plying favourites.
Interestingly the OP has omitted her own child's age.

The DN is 9, not sure how old OP's DD is.

kiki22 · 04/03/2022 16:19

Did Niece apologise for telling your daughter that she was the favourite? Thats pretty mean. Unfortunately your daughter hit a sore spot but at the end of the day they were both being mean to each other and I can imagine being told your grandparents favour their other grandchild is hurtful I'm not surprised she retaliated not that it's ok but I'm not surprised.

I would say she's said sorry end of story and carry on. If anyone has a problem point out niece was fine hurting your daughter and your not insisting she apologises.

Scout2016 · 04/03/2022 16:28

She's going to punish her child by excluding them from the family event though, surely? Which is what the child is already anxious about happening.

WorraLiberty · 04/03/2022 16:34

There's absolutely no need for another apology.

But to those saying DN started it, I wouldn't be surprised if that wasn't the case.

The OP said her DD had noticed her grandparents were spending quite a bit of extra time with the DN and needing reassuring about that.

It's quite possible she's still a little sore about that and brought it up when they were playing.

user375432 · 04/03/2022 16:35

I'd potentially agree with the ultimatum that DN has to apologise for taunting your DD that she is the favourite grandchild because they see her more. If she is older than your DD I'd point that out too.

AlisonDonut · 04/03/2022 16:53

Who is she to ban anyone from your MIL's family event?

Anyway the inlaws need to knock the favouritism on the head. Sharpish.

brainhurts · 04/03/2022 16:58

No DD has apologised once that's enough.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 04/03/2022 17:09

Christ, I’d sack the whole meal off and stay home with pizza.

Who has energy for this kind of drama?

Cherrysoup · 04/03/2022 17:16

Why does she want another apology? Your dd already apologised, what is the point in another apology? If she keeps her dc away from mil’s party, she’s reinforcing that her Dd is actually not part of the family because she, as the mum, is excluding her. Surely that’s the opposite of what she wants?

Kanaloa · 04/03/2022 17:20

She said a mean thing, but the cousin was being mean too.

My eldest two aren’t mil ‘real’ grandkids and would be so hurt by this. However, if they were goading their cousins about being the favourite I’d tell them that if you say hurtful things sometimes people will say hurtful things back!

Your daughter apologised, I’m sure she was also hurt by the accusation that she is grandma’s least favourite (which she is already sensitive about as she’s feeling pushed out).

Whingasaurus · 04/03/2022 17:21

The demanded apology is a red herring. The soon to be ex is flexing her muscles and saying you will all jump to my tune as I, and only I, control this child and any access to her. Sadly the likelihood is that in 5 years, if not earlier, none of you will even see her. I'd absolutely refuse to make my dc issue a second apology and point out that dn was actually being really nasty in the first place. If a future relationship is contingent on this woman's permission I'd start preparing myself and my parents for the loss now. My own dc had wonderful step grandparents via my exes second wife for 8 years they saw them once after the split.

Kanaloa · 04/03/2022 17:21

Obviously this is presuming your child is a similar age and this isn’t a 22 year old who said this. But from the op I’m presuming a child of the age to play with a 9yo is similar age.

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