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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not make her apologise again?

82 replies

Sendhelporwine · 04/03/2022 14:31

Bil and his wife are in the middle of a divorce. They have 2 DD's the eldest is not bil's child. She's 9 and been struggling with the divorce massively which is understandable. One of the main issues is she feels like she'll no longer be part of our extended family so we've all been making and extra effort to reassure her that this is not the case. So the inlaws have been spending quite a bit of extra time with her to the point DD has noticed so we've just been reassuring her that they love their grandkids all the same DNiece is just needing a little extra support right now.

Yesterday I had DNiece round for dinner and while I was cooking her and DD began squabbling over who was the favourite grandchild. DNiece stating it was her because inlaws spend more time with her etc. DD insisting that no one was the favourite but then lost her temper and screamed that I couldn't be DNiece as she wasn't even their grandchild. I intervened talked to DD about why what she had said was hurtful the asked her ro apologise which she did and as a result she's lost all her screentime for a week.I also gave bil the heads up about what happened and he had no issues with how it was handled when he picked DNiece up.

Today I recieved a text from BIL's wife. The gist of it were that my punishments were not enough and she wanted DD to apologise for her behaviour. I replied and stated that the punishment DD recieved was really nothing to do with her as she isn't her parent and that DD had already apologised. She has then pretty much called all of DP's family to complain about the situation.

She is now refusing to let DNiece attend Mil's birthday meal tomorrow unless DD apologises again. Several of DP's family have asked if I would not just make DD apologise for the sake of keeping the peace. In my opinion it was a children's spat that she is blowing up into something more causing unnecessary drama so AIBU to not make Dd apologise again?

OP posts:

Bonbon21 · 04/03/2022 17:25

This was a spat between 9 year olds.
It has been dealt with.
Punishment doled out and apologies made.
Everyone moves on.
Sorted.
SIL needs to grow up.

WonderfulYou · 04/03/2022 17:29

her and DD began squabbling over who was the favourite grandchild.

They both sound very spoilt tbh.
What your DD said was very spiteful and nasty.

However what’s done is done.
Your punishment is nothing to do with anyone else.

If your DD apologised in a proper way then it’s done with and there’s no need to do it again.
However if it was more of a forced apology that didn’t sound very convincing I would encourage but not force DD to send a text or letter even, just saying that she’s sorry and didn’t mean it as she’s of course family.

The poor girl has been through enough and now she’s feeling like she’s loosing your DD too.

WorraLiberty · 04/03/2022 17:35

@Bonbon21

This was a spat between 9 year olds. It has been dealt with. Punishment doled out and apologies made. Everyone moves on. Sorted. SIL needs to grow up.

We have no idea how old the OP's DD is.

AprilShowers82 · 04/03/2022 17:39

YANBU, I think you’ve handled it really well.

Samcro · 04/03/2022 17:42

I wonder if the op will ever come back and tell us her childs age.
The wole thing is nonsense without that.
Her child could be 9,5 or 20
Makes a difference

Sally872 · 04/03/2022 17:56

Sounds like all the step family are keen to maintain relationships and consider this child as much family as anyone else which is lovely.

Shame her mother is stopping access even though it is mostly her own dd who will suffer.

Your dd behaved badly but she has apologised so I don't see the need to do it again. If dd doesn't mind apologising again then I would allow her to though to all move past this.

Sally872 · 04/03/2022 17:57

@Samcro

I wonder if the op will ever come back and tell us her childs age. The wole thing is nonsense without that. Her child could be 9,5 or 20 Makes a difference

I don't think age matters much. Must be over 5 and under 18. I guess 7-13. She said something horrible and she has apologised and been punished. If she was 5 or 16 it is same answer for me.

Original poster

Sendhelporwine · 04/03/2022 17:59

Sorry thought I'd mentioned it but yes both DD and DNiece are 9. What DD said was horrible she understands this and she was not forced to apolgise but asked to which she did. Explained the situation to DP when he got home from work he's off out for pint tonight with bil and fil so is going to bring it up then but is in total agreement that she won't be repeating the apology.

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 04/03/2022 18:07

@Samcro

I wonder if the op will ever come back and tell us her childs age. The wole thing is nonsense without that. Her child could be 9,5 or 20 Makes a difference

If she’s 20 and had her mum removing screen time as punishment for being naughty I’d say she has bigger problems.

Judging by context the child is obviously fairly young.

thing47 · 04/03/2022 18:09

As you can see, OP, most people agree with you, and think you have handled a difficult situation well. I would just reiterate that your DD has apologised and been punished and that the matter is now closed. I wouldn't be giving any headspace to what (soon to be ex) SIL thinks.

pigsDOfly · 04/03/2022 18:20

@FantasticFebruary

Maybe tell them DD will apologise again when the niece apologises about claiming to be the favourite Grandaughter as the inlaws have been spending more time with her lately to make sure she still feels included.🙄🙄

What your DD said was mean & nasty, but she's already apologised and at 9 shouldn't have to put up with being goaded like that. It was 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other and I'd make that well known.

^^ This.

I'm sure your DD felt very hurt as well to be told that the niece is the favourite grandchild because she spends more time with the grandparents.

In truth they should both have apologised to each other and your DD should most definitely not apologise again.

Losing a week of screen time seems a little harsh tbh.

1FootInTheRave · 04/03/2022 18:28

She's apologised, knows what she said was shitty and why and has had sanctions to reflect this.

That's enough.

Dneice hasn't behaved well either imo.

TangerineClay · 04/03/2022 18:28

Apologising once is enough. Requiring double apologies isn't a thing. The punishment is more than enough. What on earth punishment are they hoping for? Gruel for a week?

Dentistlakes · 04/03/2022 18:34

What an awful thing to say, I would be really ashamed of her. That said, there’s really no point in making her apologise again. What’s done is done.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 04/03/2022 18:41

No. She's apologised and been punished while her cousin has had no consequences for her own words
Your daughter does not need to do anything more and if your sister in law stops her daughter going to the meal that's her choice.

FairyCakeWings · 04/03/2022 18:45

Tell sil that as far as you and dd are concerned it was dealt with and an apology was given so you are moving on now. If she wants to bring it up again, then you’ll expect you DN to apologise for the things she said and for provoking an argument as it was her that was unkind first. When your dd has had the apology she deserves, you’re sure she’ll want to make sure that her cousin knows that she is sorry too.

PinkSyCo · 04/03/2022 19:00

Considering your niece was rubbing it in about your MIL spending more time with her than she does your DD I think that your DD’s punishment was a bit too harsh if anything. So, no I would definitely not make her apologise again.

saraclara · 04/03/2022 19:01

@FairyCakeWings

Nowhere does OP say that niece started the squabbling.

her and DD began squabbling over who was the favourite grandchild. DNiece stating it was her because inlaws spend more time with her etc. DD insisting that no one was the favourite but then lost her temper and screamed that I couldn't be DNiece as she wasn't even their grandchild.

I don't know why several people have claimed that. And ramping up the tension by demanding that DN apologise too, is entirely unnecessary, and would be counter-productive. I think it's very unwise for people here to encourage OP to stir things up when there are children involved.

As OP and her DD are aware, what DD said was much more hurtful than any equal bickering about favourites would have been. It's DD that needed to apologise, and she recognised that for herself and did so genuinely.

Neenawneenaw76 · 04/03/2022 19:18

Tbh your in laws are at fault for making such a fuss of one child they've made the other feel pushed out. PIL should be spending an equal amount of time with the kids and SIL needs to butt out it's not really her concern.

Dentistlakes · 04/03/2022 19:27

@Neenawneenaw76

The grandparents are supporting a 9yo child who badly needs it at an extremely difficult point in her life. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Tbh, if anyone is at fault it’s op for not ensuring her daughter understands that and could empathise with the situation. If that had been the case none of this would have happened. The SIL is angry and rightly so. What was said to her daughter was incredibly hurtful and will have a massive impact on her at the moment, making her feel even more insecure that she already does.

I don’t think it’s worth a second apology tbh, the damage is already done and probably irreparable.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 04/03/2022 19:36

Has DN been punished for saying the grandparents loved her more?

If I were feeling it, I'd ask DD to apologise on the proviso DN also apologised to her.

Smidgy · 04/03/2022 19:47

Your dn was mean to your dd, and your dd was mean back. But only one child appears to have apologised for this spat, and now a second apology is being demanded from the same child whilst your dn gets off scot-free. If anything, you should be demanding an apology off your dn for hurting your DD's feelings.

Your dd knows she was wrong, has apologised and been punished. That's the end of it.

saraclara · 04/03/2022 19:49

SIL is making a drama out of a spat, and now half the people on here want OP to do the same. Fortunately OP, her DH (and it seems, her BIL) have more sense.

Canigooutyet · 04/03/2022 20:13

Takes me back to my childhood.
I apologised on the day. But no that wasn't good enough. It had to be repeated again in front of both parents and a family party.
By which time I was annoyed and refused the full family apology stating why I wasn't sorry. It was expected by one of their parents every single time, even though their child was a spoilt brat who always started it.

We've probably all said something hurtful as a child, just you forgotten because it wasn't made a big deal about.

I would be tempted to tell sil to grow up. Apology has been made, and it's really pathetic to stop her dd attending the meal.

If it's brought up at the dinner I would say something about this is what happens when deliberate favouritism is shown. It was dealt with at the time and that should have been the end of it. No need to drag other people into it to simply create an unnecessary drama.

StoneofDestiny · 04/03/2022 20:16

Adults can be worse than children

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