Am I being unreasonable? Getting annoyed with boyfriend’s golf/football hobbies.

[DaisyKG]

Hi guys,

Just wanted some opinions on this as sometimes I feel as though I’m being completely unreasonable and not quite sure what to do for the best.

I have been with my partner for 5.5 years. We have lived together for the past 2 years and our relationship for the most part is great. He is completely football mad, and I knew that when I started a relationship with him. He usually plays 2-3 times a week (trains one weekday evening for 1.5 hours and then has a game on a Saturday - usually gone from lunchtime until 6-7pm depending on where he is playing. He sometimes has another midweek game where he leaves at 6ish and gets home at 10-11pm - he always stays after his games to have a beer with the lads which is fine. We always agreed that Sundays would be “our” days to go out for a nice dog walk, head into town etc, but I have found that more frequently he would rather spend his Sunday watching football.

This has always been something that has bothered me and I’ve always felt as though I come second to football. I have opened up this conversation numerous times over the past 5 years to let him know how I feel and he always tells me that he won’t be able to play forever and it’s a hobby that he enjoys.

In the last year, he has developed a new love for golf. Now, when he first started playing, I have to admit that I hoped it would free up a bit of time and allow us to spend more time as a couple. In fact - things have gone in the opposite direction. On the evenings where he is not playing football, he either visits the driving range or has a golf lesson and will occasionally play golf on a Sunday now (usually gone from 9am till 4pm).

I really don’t want to stop his hobbies as he really enjoys them but it is putting a strain on our relationship from my point of view. This summer, he is going on a 4 day holiday with the football lads to Spain, on a stag do for 3 days with some friends and going on a golf holiday for 5 days. It’s meant that he has very little annual leave left for us to have a holiday together.

Last time we had a holiday together, we had to go on the Sunday and come home on the Friday as he wouldn’t take Saturdays off football. He has since apologised and wished he never did that but he is still so focused on football that we can’t plan weekends away at all because he refuses to take Saturdays off.

Am I being completely unreasonable? Should I let him enjoy his hobbies whilst he can still do them?

I should have added that we both work full time - he works pretty standard hours (7-4) and I work from home but my hours are more like shifts. Because I’m at home all day, I do all the housework, walk our 2 dogs everyday, food shop etc. Sometimes I work until 12am and I’ve asked him if he would mind getting up 10 minutes earlier to run the dogs out for a quick toilet break at 6am to allow me a small lie in and he refuses and says he won’t have time.

My worries are that in the next few years we will hopefully have children and I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship with someone who is always out or reluctant to share the responsibilities with me.

I would appreciate any opinions or thoughts and advice as I really do love him and see a future with him but not sure whether he just doesn’t realise what he’s doing

Hi OP,

I don't think you are unreasonable here - everyone needs a work/life balance but what he sounds like he's doing is filling his spare time with 'him' activities, whilst not accounting for the household tasks and relationship building he also needs to achieve.

He is being rather selfish.

Have you tried a sit down, honest and open conversation as to how this is making you feel? Ask him where he see's that you spend quality time together, explain the things you have to pick up so he is able to do an acitivy every single day, or your concerns as to how the relationship balance would work if children are to be brought into the mix, seeing as you pick up the dog duties every day. Its not sustainable for you.

My DP plays football too, but he would never think of arranging holidays around football or missing weekends away. His priorities are very skewwed.

You really do love him?

Why? Is he smoking hot and fucks like magic?

So far you have described a man who has found himself a sleep in housekeeper who doesn't mind when he trots off out with the boys.

Read your OP out loud. Does that sound like a life you would choose to live?

It's up to you. But, if you stay, remember you posted this....this could have been the day you chose to
value yourself a lot more than he does!

What does he bring to your life? You are his housekeeper / dog walker/ personal chef/ laundress/ cleaner - with sex on tap. But what are you getting from it?

Sounds like you’re the live in house keeper/dog walker and he’s your lodger.

I’m all for hobbies but I can’t see how this is a shared relationship, and I don’t think he’ll change if you have kids.

I wouldn’t even consider having children with this man. You know you’re already left to do everything and he puts his hobbies first, and past behavior being the biggest predictor of future behavior and all that, you’d be a fool to expect him to change.

Given the above, whether you stay with him or not depends on what you want in your future. If you want to settle down and have a family then he’s not going to be the man to do it with.

If he starts cycling as well, run for the hills!

Seriously OP, he is living his best life. Doing all the things he likes doing for all his free time, while you entertain him in bed and wash his pants.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

You won’t change him he has shown his priorities. Some people and it’s almost always men are very selfish with their spare time.

Both DH and I had to suspend hobbies somewhat when dc were small it was an absolute PITA but you have to do it. Sport does take up huge amounts of time both DH and I used to play hockey, he also played cricket. We also used to run. A team sport is the hardest to manage time wise.

Your also doing all the housework! Get rid of him.

He may not be the absolute worse because there is no violence or gambling or drug taking but a relationship with a man like that is death by a thousand cuts.

Imagine in 10 years, you have two primary age kids, you do everything for the family. Then any spare time he is out and your sat on the sofa alone eating and drinking your misery. Have met countless women over the years who end up like this.

Why do you want to have children with this man? Where do you imagine he'll step up and work as a fair and equal team when a baby is born? You'll be in the situation you are now but with less disposable income, less quality time together and a baby to take care of while he's at his hobbies, on lads holidays or any new excuses to opt out of home life that he may come up with.

Sit back and really think about the way your life with him now is. Can you honestly imagine this being the dynamic for another 40+ years? Because he won't change.

I think if you get with someone you know has hobbies (like his football) you should go into the relationship with your eyes open. You've stayed for 5.5 years - why? He isn't going to change, he did it before you were together and whilst you are together (and probably won't stop). Genuinely my advice would be either get a hobby to do in those times, or leave.

I am a golf wife during summer months (and the new winter league 🙄) but I love it because it gives me some "me time" - that's just the way we work. But if that's not how you are, and you want more time together and he's not willing to make the effort to do this, then you need someone who will tbh.

Also as a side note - golf, 9am to 4pm? He's either travelling miles to the golf club, playing 36 holes or lingering in the clubhouse. That's an excessive time for a normal four ball 18!

Seriously OP throw him back in the pond. Imagine yourself having children with this one, you doing all the child care and chores whilst he gives up football and replaces it with another sport.

You can do better than this. And remember for any future relationships domestic chores should be evenly split between adults.

Sometimes I work until 12am and I’ve asked him if he would mind getting up 10 minutes earlier to run the dogs out for a quick toilet break at 6am to allow me a small lie in and he refuses and says he won’t have time.

You'd be mad to have kids with this bloke. And tbh irresponsible too as this would be yet another child growing up being taught that women are by default more responsible for cooking, cleaning, childcare and adulting than men.

He doesn't value you enough to spend 600 seconds longer awake than he usually does. Come on now, is that really how low the bar should be?

You are not being unreasonable. He is very selfish.

As others have said, he's got himself a live in house keeper and he gets to live like he has no responsibilities.

The excuse that he won't be able to play forever, while true is pretty weak. it doesn't mean he'll suddenly have lots of free time in a couple of years...He's already playing golf which takes up more time!
My DH is 50 and still plays football but the difference is he only plays once a week.

I'd seriously consider if this is the life you want because you'll never be his priority. I've been there and it's shit and it will grind you down.
I got out in time and found someone who puts me first.

Do not have children with this man!

If you want children you'll need to leave him.

I've read enough thread on here to know that he won't prioritise the child and will keep up with his hobbies. You will do all the housework AND all the childcare. You won't be able to work full time, if at all, because of this. You will become financially reliant on him and unable to criticise his abandonment of his responsibilities because he pays the mortgage.

Seriously OP, he is living his best life. Doing all the things he likes doing for all his free time, while you entertain him in bed and wash his pants

Also doing the food shopping. He is living a fabulous life...I would like to do this but I can't as not sure many men would tolerate this.

He absolutely won't change and you would be foolish to think he will once you have children. If he won't get up to take the dogs out you have zero chance of him getting up for babies.

He would be entitled to say to you "you knew what I'm like and I'm not changing"

Ultimately this is a man who gets his enjoyment from competing outside the home. He doesn't feel the need to spend time with you - once you are established as his girlfriend.

Do you want a life with a hands off partner and father who prioritises his interests over you and family? Some women might tolerate it for other benefits but go into this with your eyes wide open.

If you have to ask someone to spend time with you I think it’s not a good relationship. Everyone needs a hobby and a break from home every now and again, but if his first thought in how to spend his annual leave is going away without you then I think that puts you at the bottom of his list.
Tell him one more time you are close to splitting up, he needs to show you he wants to spend time with you or you’re off. And mean it.

Oh op I'd feel so lonely. This makes me sad. This man has only one priority in his life and that's HIMSELF. And that won't ever change trust me. You really need to think ahead now and think what life will be like with children. You'd basically be a single mom. Doing it all while he STILL acts like a single carefree man.

My dh has his hobbies and interests, so do I. But your partner seems like he's never home! Can't plan weekends away, has to be back early from holiday for his football. He's all me me me. Can't even get out of bed a bit earlier to sort the pets out....doesn't bode well for them sleepless nights with baby and early rising toddlers.

I'd have to have a serious talk and tell him your expectations and needs. Give him a few months to show willing, if sport is still prioritised after this then you'll know where you stand x

You will do all the housework AND all the childcare. You won't be able to work full time, if at all, because of this. You will become financially reliant on him and unable to criticise his abandonment of his responsibilities because he pays the mortgage

100%...this is the trap that women fall into. How depressingly common it is. The men hold the power due to finances and feel even more entitled to be away from the home because they bring in the money.

This isnt the forever, raising children, growing old with man.

If you dont want kids then maybe this relationship can last. But if you want kids, do not have them with this man. He wont suddenly grow up, he wont give up his hobbies, he will say he needs them hobbies even more due to the stress of kids. He wont get up early. He wont take on his share of work.

You have a choice. Stay with him but do not have children; you will be miserable and you will hate him. Or leave him and have kids with someone else.

*the hobbies even more

Dreadful, the worst kind of person to have children with. They will never be as important t him as himself and Id wage money that he disappears on them. Please don't do this to yourself, you're already his servant (except you get don't get paid for it).

Why do you see a future with a man who treats you this way? What do you think will happen if you have kids with him? Do you think a man who leaves all the housework to you, won’t even make a tiny bit of effort to give you a lie-in after working late, and consistently fits you in after his other commitments which he prefers is suddenly going to switch into a guy who does 50% of the housework, gives up most of his hobbies and spends lots of time with you and his baby?

I find your naivety hard to believe tbh. He treats you like a mother and he’s a teen - you take care of everything, hold down the fort while he goes off on his activities and then he comes home to food and a bed to sleep in. Except mums don’t usually bang their sons. Can’t see how how you can bear to have sex with someone who treats you like his mummy. Grim.

It is hard for you now op. Can you imagine what it would be like for you with even one child? At present you Dan go out yourself, get a hobby ext ext and it is still a lonely existence for you. With a baby, basically, every time he chooses to go out to his hobby he is choosing for you to he alone with the baby. He gets the fun of his various hobbies plus all the socializing which goes with them, you get the isolation of parenting alone. He will come home all happy from the fun he's had, the laughter and the banter of being with like minded people and wonder why you are stressed, resentful and miserable. If he will not willingly put limits on the time he takes for his hobbies I think you need to think very hard about your future relationship. 💐

You see a future with this selfish, self-absorbed, man child? It will be exactly like your reality is now. You are the neglected, unappreciated skivvy and he is the jolly man about town who gets to do whatever the fuck he wants.

You would have to be mad to stay with this man. What you see is what you get, and that isn't changing. Sorry, op, but take the blinders off.

This is not a relationship of partners, it's servitude to a manchild. He will not change, he won't grow up and he won't think of your wants, your needs, or your children's needs. He is just 'Not that into you'. Dump and run. The faster the better.

He’ll be like this forever OP. He doesn’t make space for you. Children would be an absolute nightmare.

I too am struggling to see why you love someone who can’t make room for you and puts himself first at every opportunity.