Am I being unreasonable? Getting annoyed with boyfriend’s golf/football hobbies.

[DaisyKG]

Hi guys,

Just wanted some opinions on this as sometimes I feel as though I’m being completely unreasonable and not quite sure what to do for the best.

I have been with my partner for 5.5 years. We have lived together for the past 2 years and our relationship for the most part is great. He is completely football mad, and I knew that when I started a relationship with him. He usually plays 2-3 times a week (trains one weekday evening for 1.5 hours and then has a game on a Saturday - usually gone from lunchtime until 6-7pm depending on where he is playing. He sometimes has another midweek game where he leaves at 6ish and gets home at 10-11pm - he always stays after his games to have a beer with the lads which is fine. We always agreed that Sundays would be “our” days to go out for a nice dog walk, head into town etc, but I have found that more frequently he would rather spend his Sunday watching football.

This has always been something that has bothered me and I’ve always felt as though I come second to football. I have opened up this conversation numerous times over the past 5 years to let him know how I feel and he always tells me that he won’t be able to play forever and it’s a hobby that he enjoys.

In the last year, he has developed a new love for golf. Now, when he first started playing, I have to admit that I hoped it would free up a bit of time and allow us to spend more time as a couple. In fact - things have gone in the opposite direction. On the evenings where he is not playing football, he either visits the driving range or has a golf lesson and will occasionally play golf on a Sunday now (usually gone from 9am till 4pm).

I really don’t want to stop his hobbies as he really enjoys them but it is putting a strain on our relationship from my point of view. This summer, he is going on a 4 day holiday with the football lads to Spain, on a stag do for 3 days with some friends and going on a golf holiday for 5 days. It’s meant that he has very little annual leave left for us to have a holiday together.

Last time we had a holiday together, we had to go on the Sunday and come home on the Friday as he wouldn’t take Saturdays off football. He has since apologised and wished he never did that but he is still so focused on football that we can’t plan weekends away at all because he refuses to take Saturdays off.

Am I being completely unreasonable? Should I let him enjoy his hobbies whilst he can still do them?

I should have added that we both work full time - he works pretty standard hours (7-4) and I work from home but my hours are more like shifts. Because I’m at home all day, I do all the housework, walk our 2 dogs everyday, food shop etc. Sometimes I work until 12am and I’ve asked him if he would mind getting up 10 minutes earlier to run the dogs out for a quick toilet break at 6am to allow me a small lie in and he refuses and says he won’t have time.

My worries are that in the next few years we will hopefully have children and I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship with someone who is always out or reluctant to share the responsibilities with me.

I would appreciate any opinions or thoughts and advice as I really do love him and see a future with him but not sure whether he just doesn’t realise what he’s doing

hi OP,

Another warning, this time from the other side

I played football when I first got married. Training one evening and either Saturday or Sunday for the actual game. I would not have taken on any more. Cut down and played a lot less when our daughters came along.

I'm a lot older now but I now play walking football one evening a week and Tournaments about once a month, so don't just assume he will stop playing when he's older (WF may be a bit slower but it's still fun).

I also now play golf, but I take the dog out for 30-40 mins. before I leave. And as I make sure I play mornings (getting earlier now the light is getting better) I have the afternoons/evenings free for us to do 'us stuff'
My OH tends to not be bothered by my early rises

Also, I give both football and golf a miss if we have ther plans.

I think your OH is very selfish and he won't get better with age, I don't hink. Having children will just be more hard work for you with little input from him. Is that really what you want to look forward to?

Finally, you say golf takes him out from 9 - 4. A slow 18 holes takes about 4 hours. What else is he doing, unless it's a (very) long way away?

Thank you so much for your comment, it’s nice to hear it from the other perspective!!

There is little compromise with him. He just tells me that football is serious and he has to take it seriously otherwise he won’t get picked to play. I could understand that if he was playing professionally but he plays for the local team..

It’s my birthday next week and I hoped that he would take the evening off football so that we could do something together. He hasn’t and will be gone from 6ish till 10.30/11pm, leaving me at home alone.

Yes, not quite sure what he is doing to be gone at golf for that length of time. The golf course is about 30 minutes away so I assume that they have a beer afterwards.

Don’t make ultimatums. He’ll promise to change, but he won’t. And he’ll get resentful that you’re ‘not allowing him’ to do his hobbies any more. I would tell him you realise that you are not a priority in his life, you don’t want to always come a poor second to his sports, so you are going to leave and find someone who actually enjoys your company. Mean it.

His reaction will tell you how he really feels. If indeed he does love you and sets out to show you this by properly prioritising you, great. He needs to do it willingly, not because you’ve told him to.

But the more likely scenario is that he’ll talk the talk and make promises that will soon be broken. So follow through and leave.

Cross posted. He won’t even skip the hobbies on your birthday? Fuck that. Spend the evening packing.

In the nicest possible way he's treating you like his Mum. Someone who is always hone, to cook, clean and look after the dog. You facilitate these hobbies and don't get anything in return. I guess for him being in a relationship is just another box ticked.

Home not hone, sorry about that

He hasn’tconfused and will be gone from 6ish till 10.30/11pm, leaving me at home alone

Mate! Don't stay home alone! Go out with your friends and have a great time.

Seriously, your standards are very low. Not trying to knock you when you're down, but it may be worthwhile for you to think about why that might be? You deserve much better than being treated like this. You aren't even an afterthought - you're barely a thought

You are not a priority to him
Would he make looking after a crying pooey baby a priority. Doubtful.

I think the end is nigh. But stop all housekeeping duties for him!

He's incredibly selfish op and he isn't going to change. Leaving you alone on your birthday to play football is dreadful. Imagine how future children would feel to know that daddy loves football more than them?

His attitude to the dog and your birthday show you exactly where you are in priorities. Please do not even consider having a child with this selfish man. He will never get up in the night, will leave you for hours on end alone with a newborn and will expect his life to not change a jot.
Think more of yourself and start thinking about why you are putting up with being so low down on his priorities.

@DaisyKG - is the unanimous response opening your eyes to the reality?

He’s done a great number of painting you into a 1950’s housewife while he going to work, plays football and golf. Time to stop this and the relationship as you’re not happy with it. Why run your life round men chasing big balls or hitting little balls. Football is “serious”. That’s quite funny especially when he’s not professional or semi-professional

He will not change.
Just like you’re doing everything now, you’ll continue to do everything if you have children. He won’t give up any of his hobbies and if does have to, he’ll blame you and be bitter and resentful.
Don’t be with someone who doesn’t care if you’re happy or not.

It's his call really, he chooses sports over seeing you. Probably because you're not giving him too much grief and will be waiting at home for him when he finishes sports. That's fine if you're happy with that, but you're not. Have your chat this weekend, but if he doesn't change you've got two choices, stay and out up, or leave.

You also need to think about your future, do you want marriage and kids? Having kids with someone like this would be awful, you see too many threads on here where the woman is left holding the baby whilst the man goes off and does his hobby

You have incredibly low expectations of a partner OP.
Of course you are not being unreasonable.
If this was me the relationship would be over because he is not ready for a relationship and is far too selfish. He is only fit for a single man life.
Can you imagine having children? He would never be there.
What part do you play in his life - cooking shopping, cleaning and sex by the looks of it.
I'd be off.

Also he sounds as boring as fuck.

Ugh, you get a big old "LTB you deserve so much better!" from me. He won't change. He might pay lip service for a bit after your chat, but he'll go back to his old ways. Can't be arsed to get up ten minutes early so save you having to get up at 6am, when you've been working until midnight? Wtf!? He is not displaying the actions of a loving partner. You deserve so so much more. Do not have children with this man!!

I should have added that we both work full time - he works pretty standard hours (7-4) and I work from home but my hours are more like shifts. Because I’m at home all day, I do all the housework, walk our 2 dogs everyday, food shop etc. Sometimes I work until 12am and I’ve asked him if he would mind getting up 10 minutes earlier to run the dogs out for a quick toilet break at 6am to allow me a small lie in and he refuses and says he won’t have time.
I see a future for you too. It’s pretty fucking miserable and lonely, and full of resentment, solo parenting, exhaustion and housework. Alone. Including on your birthday. Is there anything you can think of to boom for you on your birthday? Preferably something that involves going away for the entire weekend? Use the time to work out how to exit.
My Dh played football and had a few other activities. Id never have married him if he wouldn’t skip a game to go away for the weekend, I spelt out in one syllable words that I wasn’t only going to stay in a relationship where we could only have a weekend away together in the off-season. I’m worth it and so are you op. He is very clear you’re not worth 10 minutes. 10 fucking minutes.

Trust me, the way he is with the dog chores is Exactly how he will be with the kids.

Don’t be that person who has kids and then spends years waiting for him to change. There are threads all over the relationship board from women who spend all weekend alone with the children whilst their partners are cycling/playing football/golf. They don’t give it up. They might give it up temporarily for the first couple of weeks but it creeps back in. Every time. It’s always more important.

If you have a talk with him and threaten to leave unless he reduces his time spent on hobbies he MAY make you all sorts of promises but 1. They won't last and 2. He'll resent you for stopping him doing exactly what he wants when he wants. It's a no win situation.

If he was otherwise nice there might be some hope. My boyfriend (now DH) had a hobby that started to take up increasing amounts of time. When it became too much I told him once and he cut down straight away. He's a nice guy who values me and spending time with me.

BUT your partner isn't nice. He's abandoning you on your birthday to do his hobby. He won't walk the dog when you're exhausted from a late night because he doesn't care about you. He doesn't pull his weight around the house even though you both work FT.

There's no way of rescuing the situation. Can you live like this, let alone bring a child into this?

I don't know if you are, but don't worry about being 30 and finding a new partner. You're honestly still young! My sister left a 13 year relationship at 31 and is now married with a child. Do you want to spend the next 50 years second best?

Hello OP.

I've been where you are, not with football but with golf, he played 2 or 3 times a week, squash again 2 or 3 times a week and bridge played at least twice a week. Obviously some of them were played on the same days and he would often be out for hours especially at the weekend.

Our marriage lasted for 20 years and we had three children.

Nothing every stopped him pursing his hobbies, all of them to a high standard, and the children and I were always a very low on his list of priorities.

I was lonely and miserable for the whole of my marriage but had no idea how to fix it; I'd know better now.

Do not accept being a side issue in his life unless you want to be very lonely in your marriage.

He's made it very clear where his priorities lie and he first priority isn't you.

Why do you love him? What does he do that makes you believe he loves you?

I really think you need a long think about these questions.

You are describing my dad. My mum put up with it-but taught me not to. Now my mum isn’t well my dad feels guilty so won’t use respite care and will likely die of a heart attack, they are both now miserable. It’s no life and I wouldn’t have kids with him. One training, one match is enough. The golf can wait until he retires (from football or more generally).

Just saw your update and I'm livid on your behalf, why are you putting up with this? Is your self-esteem so low you don't think you matter? Raise your standards. What's stopping you from dumping his ass? He treats you like shit and you are letting him.