Am I being unreasonable? Getting annoyed with boyfriend’s golf/football hobbies.

[DaisyKG]

Hi guys,

Just wanted some opinions on this as sometimes I feel as though I’m being completely unreasonable and not quite sure what to do for the best.

I have been with my partner for 5.5 years. We have lived together for the past 2 years and our relationship for the most part is great. He is completely football mad, and I knew that when I started a relationship with him. He usually plays 2-3 times a week (trains one weekday evening for 1.5 hours and then has a game on a Saturday - usually gone from lunchtime until 6-7pm depending on where he is playing. He sometimes has another midweek game where he leaves at 6ish and gets home at 10-11pm - he always stays after his games to have a beer with the lads which is fine. We always agreed that Sundays would be “our” days to go out for a nice dog walk, head into town etc, but I have found that more frequently he would rather spend his Sunday watching football.

This has always been something that has bothered me and I’ve always felt as though I come second to football. I have opened up this conversation numerous times over the past 5 years to let him know how I feel and he always tells me that he won’t be able to play forever and it’s a hobby that he enjoys.

In the last year, he has developed a new love for golf. Now, when he first started playing, I have to admit that I hoped it would free up a bit of time and allow us to spend more time as a couple. In fact - things have gone in the opposite direction. On the evenings where he is not playing football, he either visits the driving range or has a golf lesson and will occasionally play golf on a Sunday now (usually gone from 9am till 4pm).

I really don’t want to stop his hobbies as he really enjoys them but it is putting a strain on our relationship from my point of view. This summer, he is going on a 4 day holiday with the football lads to Spain, on a stag do for 3 days with some friends and going on a golf holiday for 5 days. It’s meant that he has very little annual leave left for us to have a holiday together.

Last time we had a holiday together, we had to go on the Sunday and come home on the Friday as he wouldn’t take Saturdays off football. He has since apologised and wished he never did that but he is still so focused on football that we can’t plan weekends away at all because he refuses to take Saturdays off.

Am I being completely unreasonable? Should I let him enjoy his hobbies whilst he can still do them?

I should have added that we both work full time - he works pretty standard hours (7-4) and I work from home but my hours are more like shifts. Because I’m at home all day, I do all the housework, walk our 2 dogs everyday, food shop etc. Sometimes I work until 12am and I’ve asked him if he would mind getting up 10 minutes earlier to run the dogs out for a quick toilet break at 6am to allow me a small lie in and he refuses and says he won’t have time.

My worries are that in the next few years we will hopefully have children and I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship with someone who is always out or reluctant to share the responsibilities with me.

I would appreciate any opinions or thoughts and advice as I really do love him and see a future with him but not sure whether he just doesn’t realise what he’s doing

@Clymene

Oh *@DaisyKG* you sound so sad

This isn't what life should be like. You shouldn't be with a man who can't even be bothered to be with you on your birthday. You should be cherished and adored. You should be having fun!

Not cleaning house and walking dogs for a man who puts everything before you

Ah I am sad, I'm sad because I'm always the first to tell other people that they shouldn't put up with being treated like shit but can't seem to take my own advice!

He's got quite a cushy deal doesn't he? Think very carefully about whether you want a future with this man. IME men like this don't magically to an about turn when kids come along and muck in with housework and childcare. They carry on with their Very Important Football and Golf and leave you dealing with the house, the kids, the dog, the wife work and wondering wtf it all went wrong. He's living a single life, you are living a single life too but dealing with his shit as well as your own.

So Sorry OP but you need to throw him back. You deserve soooo much better than this. He’s a selfish arse who takes you completely for granted. He won’t even bin off football for your birthday? Fuck that!

Also He won’t change - he’ll say he will but he won’t. The moment things get difficult he’ll start on about how he’s given up his hobby “for you”. No lovey - time to call a halt x

@Clymene

Oh *@DaisyKG* you sound so sad

This isn't what life should be like. You shouldn't be with a man who can't even be bothered to be with you on your birthday. You should be cherished and adored. You should be having fun!

Not cleaning house and walking dogs for a man who puts everything before you

This^^

I feel so sad reading all your post OP. Wish I could give you a cuddle and kick this selfish arsehole of a boyfriend to the curb for you.

Please don't waste more time on this man, you sounds so lovely and he doesn't respect you one bit! He won't change, it will get worse if you have any children and these are the best years of your life. Enjoy yourself m, find someone who wants to spend time with you and who respects you.
I hope things work out for you, I really do

Wow, you are so young! You sound mature and like you have a good head on your shoulders. You have your whole life ahead of you.... you cannot spend birthdays on your own as your boyfriend won't cancel a game. Crazy!! You have so much time to find someone else. I am a lot older than you, and single, but I would never settle again for anyone who didn't prioritise me. Difference is, I have much less time to find the right person. Be strong x

There are better men out there.
He'll never put you and any future children first, it'll just be living from one broken promise to another while you grow resentful. These are supposed to be the fun days of enjoying life as a couple.

Count your losses and move on.

You need to decide if you want to still being doing this in 10 years, plus more if you end up having kids. I think he's massively selfish. He has someone to cook, clean and shag (sorry) but is putting none of the effort in for those things.

I once had a boyfriend like this. We were together for 3 years so not exactly a short fling. He had lots of sporty hobbies and friends that he prioritised over spending time with me. I was never "allowed" to see him on a Saturday night because that was "boys night" and there was always a football match on Sundays. So we could never spend a whole weekend together. He even told me once that if we'd made plans together and one of his friends messaged him asking to meet up, he'd cancel on me because he wouldn't want them to think that he was putting his girlfriend above everything else.

Never again.

Run! I met my DH when I was in my early 20s out of a bad relationship and my self esteem was zero. He had lots of sporting hobbies. He’s retained some of them to the point he’s injured himself badly and left himself out of action meaning I had to look after our kids (one is severely disabled) as he couldn’t walk or weight bear. It’s miserable feeling like you come below sports and it’s unlikely he’ll change. He’ll either accuse you of nagging in which case you’ll let him do what he likes as you’ll believe you’re being unreasonable or he’ll sulk and there will be an atmosphere of resentment. The fact you’ll having to ask, says a lot. My DH spends what time he has watching sports when he’s not playing it or on his phone looking at sport related things. It’s beyond awful.

Please end it, you are his Mum. Do all the shit work and he doesn't even make an effort on your birthday.

If you have 2 bedrooms you can stay whilst you sort yourself out but stop shopping, cooking,laundry and cleaning up after him.

Don't be sad. I know it feels bad now but be happy you've come to your senses before you have children.

My friend ditched her fella when their dc were 10 and 8. She'd effectively been a single parent for years. He's a nice guy and a good dad but didn't want to spend any time with his DP and DC. She did everything. It's been hard on the dc.

Best that you don't start a family with this man. Having kids is hard work. You will find a partner who won't leave you to do everything and accuse you of nagging. Your DP sounds like a throwback to a byegone era of selfish useless husbands.

Oh op, do not have children with this man. You will never have family time and you'll end up a very lonely parent.

I think he is putting you last over and over again! He doesn't seem to be into u in a big way. Don't settle for this life .you will come second all the time .look for someone more committed to you 9

I'm so so sorry that you are with this arsehole. Please don't accept his scraps and why the hell shouldn't you have a bloody big birthday night out and be spoilt!!!
Come on - a walk and a coffee??
Want more for yourself - you deserve it!

Selling a house and splitting will be hard but so so worth it in the long term. And stop being his maid - he can do his own bloody washing and cooking.

God, honestly I'm raging on your behalf I really am!!

I spent years being 2nd fiddle to a hobby, I went to weddings, parties, funerals on my own as it was always an 'important' event. Holidays were spent doing his hobby, he wasn't really bothered if I was there or not in truth. Even our honeymoon was related to his hobby.
A friend asked me if this was the life I wanted in 5 years' time. I thought long and hard and knew he would never change; even when I told him our marriage wasn't working for me, he had no idea, even though I had been complaining about his lack of commitment for a long time.
I am happily divorced, he is living alone with his hobby for company.

Your partner sounds a lot like my ex husband.

I enabled his behaviour to the point that when I was in labour, and our baby was in distress, he still didn't drive me to the hospital as Liverpool were playing Chelsea.

Our son and I both medically died and had to be resuscitated because of the delay in getting us to the hospital.

That wasn't even his wake up call.

I kept telling myself he would stop the football and the golf when our son was older and could interact more, so we went on to have our daughter but his parenting didn't improve.

We are now divorced and he barely sees his kids as the fixture list still takes priority.

I wouldn't have listened in your position, but I hope you do.

He is not going to be a good life partner

Christ! Dump him, he’s selfish and treating you like his mum/housekeeper. You need to be single and work on your self esteem.

He’s literally not thinking about you at all.

When I met DH he worked in sport for a living and played football, badminton and cricket to a high standard. All of his spare time was spent playing sport or drinking with his sporting friends.

But the differences were: he had just given up football due to fear of injuries so had more free time. And, this is the big one, I was 30 and he was 35. He wanted a wife and children and was prepared to make room in his life for us.

He cooked and cleaned because he had his own house before we met. He actually liked doing the shopping! He wanted a proper and fair partnership with me. We had two kids and he certainly did his share of child rearing.

We have been married now for over 30 years and he still does all of the food shopping and cooking. We are still madly in love and each other’s best friend.

Throw this chap back, OP. You have loads of time to find a much better man who will be a proper partner in your life and help to raise your self esteem, as my DH has done for me.

You knew what he was like from the start and now you expect him to change?

He has a passion for something and it is more important to him than you are.

So yes you are being unreasonable in the sense that you are simply not compatible and you knew from the start what you were getting into.

He would be better off with someone who shares the same passion.

You would be better off with someone who can give you more time and attention.

I am not sure why you stayed 5.5 years with him under the circumstances...

You can't get in a relationship with someone and just hope they will eventually change to meet your needs, that's a waste of your time.

Coming at this from a slightly different perspective here. You're both quite young. I think it's totally reasonable that you BOTH dedicate a good chunk of your week to hobbies.

You should make time to see your friends, take up a hobby, join a group, meet people. At your age (not being patronising here as I'm not massively older) that's so important. You need a life outside him.

My husband is also a football/golf fanatic. However he stopped playing for a team when we had kids, and I knew he would do that because we discussed it. He regularly organises weekend games with friends and goes out to watch football, and has regular games of golf in summer. But, and it's a big but, he makes sure I have time to pursue hobbies and see friends too. He does housework, cooks dinner, takes the kids where they need to be before and after work to give me the time I need. Oh and we do fun things together.

It's absolutely possible to work, run a house, have kids, and have time for friends/fun but it takes teamwork. At the moment your boyfriend isn't showing signs of being a team player, or wanting to spend quality time with you. That's a huge red flag...

I'd want a promise of him taking initiative to plan fun days out, nice dinners etc. and shouldering his share of the housework/dogs. If he doesn't step up... you can have my first LTB.

@LaBelleSausage

Your partner sounds a lot like my ex husband.

I enabled his behaviour to the point that when I was in labour, and our baby was in distress, he still didn't drive me to the hospital as Liverpool were playing Chelsea.

Our son and I both medically died and had to be resuscitated because of the delay in getting us to the hospital.

That wasn't even his wake up call.

I kept telling myself he would stop the football and the golf when our son was older and could interact more, so we went on to have our daughter but his parenting didn't improve.

We are now divorced and he barely sees his kids as the fixture list still takes priority.

I wouldn't have listened in your position, but I hope you do.

He is not going to be a good life partner

I'm so sorry you went through this with your son and this happened to you.

OP please read this post

@Erinyes

One of my first questions when dating was ‘Do you, or have you ever, played football and/or supported a football team?’ If yes, they were binned. Ditto golf, which seems to attract an unusually high proportion of assholes.

Honestly, we're not ALL assholes

It’s my birthday next week and I hoped that he would take the evening off football so that we could do something together. He hasn’tand will be gone from 6ish till 10.30/11pm, leaving me at home alone

This was so sad to read. Please, ask him directly to take the evening off and go out with you. It's unlikely he will but put him to the test. Then organise something else with friends or whoever is available. And then tell him straight that this isn't enough for you anymore and you want to end things. You're young, get out before you spend anymore of your twentysomething birthdays like this! Next year you'll be wondering why you left it so long.

I stupidly married someone like this. I was a complete idiot and thought that when we had a child, he would not go out to football as much and make time for his son. What a prat I was!

His habit was soon curbed when I chucked him out and he had to stop going to football as much, as he had a child to look after every other weekend. I might have ended up as a single parent, but at least I now have every other weekend to go out, if I feel like it.

Unfortunately my DS is just as bloody mad about football as his Dad, so god help any future girlfriend.

I have opened up this conversation numerous times over the past 5 years to let him know how I feel and he always tells me that he won’t be able to play forever and it’s a hobby that he enjoys.

OP don't try to believe that this will all be over when he's a bit older and creakier. It won't:

In the last year, he has developed a new love for golf. Now, when he first started playing, I have to admit that I hoped it would free up a bit of time and allow us to spend more time as a couple. In fact - things have gone in the opposite direction.

He's already lining up the golf to take the place of football. And the time he spends on the driving range or having lessons tells you that he intends to be every bit as obsessed with it.

I really do love him and see a future with him

This is your Achilles heel that's blinding you to just how selfish he's being. Even to the point of questioning whether it's you who's being unreasonable. There is an enormous chasm between the future you see with him, and the future it will be with him. He sees the future as him doing exactly what he wants while you wait for him at home with the house clean, the washing done, food on the table and sex when he wants it. And if you add children into the mix they will be 100% your responsibility. He'll never put you or them above his own wants, even when you're on your knees with tiredness and stress, even when you're ill.

but not sure whether he just doesn’t realise what he’s doing

Oh he realises alright. He just doesn't care one iota about having any sort of loving relationship. He wants his football (which he'll watch even more when he can no longer play) and his golf and any other hobby he takes up, while you provide maid service.

If you stay with him you'll have many more years of the same and your self esteem will be in the gutter, Walk away with your head held high. This is him, not you. Let him see just how many meals football cooks for him, how many clean shirts and shags golf provides.

Please don't put up with/be satisfied with the occasional crumb he throws you.