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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think smacking was 'acceptable' in the 90s?

308 replies

Grapeflavour · 03/03/2022 21:34

My parents smacked me as a child, usually if I did something they deemed as 'very naughty' or sometimes if I just didn't stop doing something quite trivial, they would threaten me with smacking.

I just assumed this was normal (albeit bad) attitudes back then, but talking to a couple of friends around the same age (30s) recently, it seems like that's not the case? They seemed pretty horrified that my dad used to occasionally hit me well into my teens if I pissed him off. As a teen he would often square up to me and threaten to 'knock me out' if I challenged him or talked back. I was 16 the last time he hit me. (I know this behaviour is totally unacceptable, and bearing in mind he is a huge 6"2 man and I was a 5"5 teenage girl). I think this has had an impact on me and trying to work through it.

Would you say it was fairly typical and normalised for parents to smack kids as punishment in the 90s? Or not at all?

OP posts:
BikiniB0tt0m · 04/03/2022 00:38

Oh yeah I definitely think it was. Happened to (my parents goto punishment) I would of clocked it wasn't right if it didn't happen to my friends too, but I'm sure there were plenty of parents that didn't. I'm glad times have changed for the most part it is not acceptable. I think it was lazy parenting.

Person123456 · 04/03/2022 01:09

My mum used to slap me on the back of the head up until the 2000s till i was about 16 despite telling her it constituted assault, i think it was seen as an acceptable punishment to that generation, My dad would tell me stories of his dad beating him up in the 60s when he'd done something really bad and i have to think thats where that generation get it from

FrothyB · 04/03/2022 01:17

It was relatively common amongst the people I went to school with in the 90's, starting school in 1992. We lived in a working class area in a South Midlands town if that has any relevance.

I was smacked by both parents at times. Unlike most people I don't see it as inherently abhorrent. "A" smack, is short, sharp and it creates an immediate reaction and resolution to the behaviour that you wish to stop. That was what my Mum would give me, and I knew with her if I got that then I had really fucked up. I have no ill feeling towards my mother for the times she smacked me.

The problem is it's very easy to cross a line, or to take out anger on a child, as my Dad so often did. It was the only method of correction he knew, and he would use it for the smallest of misdemeanours, such as making the tea wrong, speaking out of turn in any way etc. If I received a smack to the ear for those things, I had to receive worse for the actual naughty things I may have done. With my Dad though it wasn't so much the punishment, but the inconsistency with his rules that really fucked me up, and the constant state of fear of him. Still, I can be thankful that he chose to be gentler than his own parents, not using the cane or the belt on me like had been used on him, I simply got open hand smacks.

I've never smacked my child. I've had no reason to and I vowed I wouldn't give her the same childhood I had. That doesn't mean I am against it entirely as a method of punishment, but that it has specific times for use, not trotted out for every little thing a child does wrong.

OpheliaThrupps · 04/03/2022 01:44

YANBU - it was very much acceptable.

CheesusWept · 04/03/2022 02:00

Normalised when I was growing up.

As in, it happened but I “knew” parents shouldn’t treat their children like that.

Just out of interest OP, which area did you grow up in?

HaveringWavering · 04/03/2022 02:28

I was an au pair in 1991. I was 19. I clearly remember the Mum telling me if the children misbehaved I was to smack them. (France ). I did, and I think I had a fairly short fuse because I was young and childcare was not my vocation. It seemed normal to me because I had been smacked regularly as a child for misbehaving - I can clearly remember being put over my Dad’s knee and smacked on the bare bottom. We were a middle class, normal family.
Looking back I am truly HORRIFIED at what I did.

azimuth299 · 04/03/2022 02:54

Yes it was totally normal among me and my friends to get smacked at home in the 90s. And I remember threats too, so being told "you're cruising for a bruising" if I was being naughty. It was very socially accepted.

I was also hit as a teenager in very similar circumstances to you OP but that seemed to be a lot less socially acceptable (this would be 00s). I remember people being shocked about it. I was 17 when I was last hit, and my boyfriend's mum went round to shout at my dad and then let me move in with them, so it was definitely thought of differently, probably due partially to age and partially to changing social attitudes.

I would never hit my children. Even the idea seems so strange and cruel.

HoppingPavlova · 04/03/2022 03:30

I remember I got a slap on my bum from my dad once and it has stayed with me forever. It's because I called my granddad a fucking bastard for not letting me have a Mars bar!

Nowadays, a parent would just sit you down and talk about your ‘big feelings’. The outcome of that is that next time granddad refuses a Mars bar, the kid calls him a fucking cunt rather than fucking bastard as they know the consequence is a twee talk.

ChocolateMassacre · 04/03/2022 03:31

@Wineat5isfine

Smacking or hitting anyone is absolutely abhorrent.

It isn’t acceptable on any level or to any human being. It is a form of domestic violence!!

Is it acceptable to hit your partner? NO!! It is NEVER acceptable to hit a child.

This truly breaks my heart 💔

While I agree that smacking children is abhorrent, I'm not sure that it's correct to draw a parallel between smacking a small child and smacking a partner or other adult for whom you're not responsible.

If another adult is winding you up, you can walk away. You are not responsible for, or judged by, their conduct. You can't walk away from your child since you are responsible for their wellbeing and safety, even if they're treating you in a way that would be 'abusive' if another adult was doing so.

There was one time when my DS was screaming his head off and kicking out at me and hitting me in the middle of a big shopping centre. He was around 3 at the time and was annoyed that I wouldn't buy him another ice-cream even though he'd had one earlier. It culminated in the most almightly tantrum with everyone around staring at us. He was big for his age and I was having back trouble at the time so couldn't just bodily lift him and carry him away. So there was nothing to do but sit it out and wait for him to calm down (and it went on for ages). I would never have smacked him, but I can imagine people losing their cool in situations like that.

Children can frustrate and provoke their parents in a way that other adults can't and their behaviour does reflect on their parents. I have once or twice caught myself out as parenting my DS negatively or punitively because he's been badly-behaved in public and I guess I want to be 'seen' as correcting the behaviour. Being a parent takes a lot of patience and self-control. You also need to be willing to accept that sometimes your children might show you up in public. I think a lot of parents in the past got really het up about being judged to be 'bad parents'. So they'd lose their temper and smack if their children embarrassed them in any way because they viewed public perception as being important. My impression is that many parents nowadays are less bothered by what people round about them think of their parenting (which has both good and bad points!).

Superhanz · 04/03/2022 03:52

My mum never hit us but my dad slapped our legs a few times in the back of the car if we were acting up. He always felt so guilty afterwards and I'd milk it, I also used it against him when I was a cheeky teenager. He was a social worker and didn't actually agree with hitting kids but he could be really bad tempered in the car, he still is! It was definitely socially acceptable to hit kids in certainly in the early 90s anyway. Well it was in my peer group.

Malibuismysecrethome · 04/03/2022 04:03

I’m old, I was never smacked or hit, I have never smacked my children, my toddler grandsons are never smacked. Hitting small children is abhorrent. Not normal in this family at all I’m proud to say.

Blossom64265 · 04/03/2022 04:29

It was definitely falling out of favor in the 90s. I was in my 20s and the few people I knew of that used smacking were very secretive about it.

autienotnaughty · 04/03/2022 04:35

In the 80's where I lived smacking was a normal culture. I remember being snaked on bum or legs as a child and in teens a clip round the ear. I had my dd in late 90's and I vaguely remember it was frowned upon but ok if it didn't mark. I think I gave my dd a few taps on bum for serious matter. I have a young dd who I don't smack but sometimes I get the urge to. It's like a reflex but I pull it back.

Newjourney2894 · 04/03/2022 04:55

I was born in 1994 and I’m not any worse off for it. I mean I wasn’t abused or anything but my mum would smack with a wooden spoon and one time she was smacking my sister and the spoon broke so she hit her with a brush instead 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have two children myself and I couldn’t imagine ever hitting them 🙁

1forAll74 · 04/03/2022 05:38

It was acceptable in the 1950's 1960's and 1970's as far as I remember,. Many a child got a smacked bottom,or a small smack on the legs if they were acting up badly. at home, or out with parents. It usually did the trick, of quietening them down, and they usually didn't act up again.

I actually remember, that in those days. I don't ever remember seeing any small children who had melt downs, and tantrums all the time, and throwing things around the house, or kicking out at parents and other siblings etc.

I just remembered something funny though, I was in a Boots chemist in a town where i lived in mid 1970, There was Mum and two year old boy in the aisles. he was not wearing reins, and he was running amock all over the place. and getting all sorts of things off the low shelves, The Mother was running after him, and loudly shrieking at the child, she said come here you naughty boy, and caught up with him,, but he then threw himself on the floor, screaming and crying, legs kicking and rolling on the floor. he wouldn't stop crying,

The next minute,the Mum lay down on the floor, and mimicked exactly what her little son was doing, and some pretend crying too.. Immediately the little boy stopped all his crying, jumped up. and threw his little arms round his Mum, and said Mummy, why are you crying, are you alright.. Then he held hands with the mum., as she walked down the aisle and got a couple of things off the shelves,

Kanaloa · 04/03/2022 05:42

@HoppingPavlova

I remember I got a slap on my bum from my dad once and it has stayed with me forever. It's because I called my granddad a fucking bastard for not letting me have a Mars bar!

Nowadays, a parent would just sit you down and talk about your ‘big feelings’. The outcome of that is that next time granddad refuses a Mars bar, the kid calls him a fucking cunt rather than fucking bastard as they know the consequence is a twee talk.

Erm, no. The alternative to hitting your kids isn’t opting out of parenting and allowing them to behave however they like. That’s just rhetoric used by lazy parents. ‘Oh I can’t hit my child? So I’m just supposed to let them run riot then?’

No. Plenty of people manage not to hit their children while moulding them into good, respectful people. My kids have never called any relative a ‘fucking bastard’ and I’ve never had to slap them or hit them to teach them that.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/03/2022 05:42

I was born in 1990 and was never smacked, I remember my mum threatening to smack my bum but she never actually did it.

Kanaloa · 04/03/2022 05:45

I actually remember, that in those days. I don't ever remember seeing any small children who had melt downs, and tantrums all the time, and throwing things around the house, or kicking out at parents and other siblings etc.

I’m sure there was plenty of naughtiness amongst children in those days. Otherwise surely every parent or teacher would simply strike the child once and never again, if it was such a fantastic cure-all?

Small children have been tantrumming since the beginning of time. Classic children’s novels like A Little Princess etc feature young kids having tantrums treated as annoying but normal. Implying that children didn’t misbehave back in the ‘good old days’ because their sensible parents would immediately whack them is both untrue and daft.

Cocogreen · 04/03/2022 05:56

No it wasn't acceptable. My children were born 1994 and 1997 and were never hit.
Your father sounds like he was a violent thug OP, I'm so sorry he treated you like that. Thanks

DoorWasAJar · 04/03/2022 06:10

@HoppingPavlova

I remember I got a slap on my bum from my dad once and it has stayed with me forever. It's because I called my granddad a fucking bastard for not letting me have a Mars bar!

Nowadays, a parent would just sit you down and talk about your ‘big feelings’. The outcome of that is that next time granddad refuses a Mars bar, the kid calls him a fucking cunt rather than fucking bastard as they know the consequence is a twee talk.

Too right. Children need to be hit more and harder, fuck non violent communication Hmm
HoppingPavlova · 04/03/2022 06:17

No. Plenty of people manage not to hit their children while moulding them into good, respectful people.

That’s likely a tad delusional. Parents are really blind and off base these days as to what a ‘good, respectful person’ is. Essentially for a few generations that bar has just been pushed lower and lower to enable the kids to fit the criteria. Now there’s actually limited bad behaviour, instead parents beam at it disguised as ‘high spirited, not afraid to speak their mind, knows their own mind and what they want’ among a plethora of other terms that now mean parents don’t have to deal with bad behaviour. That’s lazy parenting.

dolphinsden · 04/03/2022 06:32

If you and your friends are in your 30s I'm assuming they were born in mid/late 80s and to me it was much common in that decade than the 90s. My sister was born in the early 90s and she never got smacked. However, me and my other sister who were born mid/late 80s were both smacked as we were older children in the 90s. By the time my sister grew up and became an older child, it was late 90s and she never got smacked and she was quite naughty. I never got beaten up but I was smacked on the bottom for bullying a friend in primary school or swearing and I never swore or bullied after that. I'm now a quite level headed adult and never bullied anyone after that smack.

Underhisi · 04/03/2022 06:43

"If another adult is winding you up, you can walk away. You are not responsible for, or judged by, their conduct. You can't walk away from your child since you are responsible for their wellbeing and safety, even if they're treating you in a way that would be 'abusive' if another adult was doing so."

There are adults that you can be responsible for and not walk away from. It would be appalling if you hit them because they are winding you up.

Beseen22 · 04/03/2022 06:51

I was a young child in the 90s in a religious home and was smacked and all my friends were similar. I think there was a very authorative air to my parents way. My mum did it constantly but she has absolutely no control, she can barely deal with a minimally stressful situation even now. I do remember one time when we were going to school and mucking about and she was holding a hair brush. We got outside and she grabbed my brother to smack him and he went to run away as she swung to hit him so he turned and she got him on the groins with a hairbrush. My dad smacked me once and it was a lot more controlled and sore. I don't have a good relationship with my parents now.

However on the contrary my DH was smacked and has an excellent relationship with his parents, his family aren't hot heads so it was not an out of frustration thing, it was a punishment.

My parents speak about kids these days needing a smack, and how they would have them parented right with a good smack. They used to talk about my cousin who was a bit wild as a kid that if they had her for a week they would have her sorted.

It's pretty telling that they think they are the world's greatest parents but DS hasn't cut the apron strings (mid 30s) still staying there and fully relying on them and DD (me) left at 17 and has minimal contact.

Melroses · 04/03/2022 06:52

Totally unacceptable in my wider circle and much debate in the press with Penelope Leach etc.

There was a nanny who used to come to my toddler group who used to smack the children (told to by parent) and had to be told not to or not come back.

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