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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fear a family member is accessing our medical records

395 replies

durdledoo · 03/03/2022 08:51

I'm not really sure what to do about this and would love some practical advice to stop this potentially happening.
My mil is a nurse, she works at the local surgeries that me, my husband and my children attend. She has previously gone through my husbands medical notes before and confronted him on health complications he's had in the past and not told her about (this was a long time ago, but he was in his early twenties at the time).
A few comments recently has be concerned she's done it again. My husband had 2 drs apts and we only told her about one. She / fil has asked me several times now if dh is okay and asked about his second drs apt (that we haven't even discussed with them)
They know about one health issue and he's openly discussed it with them but the other is very private.
The other day mil said "how is dh, is he okay" and I just replied "yes, he went down and has been referred" (discussing said health issues we've told them about) and she said "well, he went down again didn't he?" Basically prying into the outcome of this second apt she should know nothing about.

I can't prove anything, but considering previous and the fact she's digging (a lot) and acting very stand off-ish I am legitimately concerned she's been at our medical notes (or at least dh's) but i wouldn't put it past her to look through all of ours. We've had lots of ongoing problems in the past with boundaries and the relationship has never been simple.

Is there anything I can do. Would loving surgery completely help? She works all over locally so I fear not.

Can we ask the surgery to make out information inaccessible to her?

Looking for some practical steps I could take to protect our privacy. There's absolutely no point raising this with her, she will inevitably deny it and previously when she went through her adult sons records he was the one "in trouble" for not telling her about his health concerns...Confused

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 03/03/2022 13:06

In what works is a vasectomy “very private” I could make every one of my male/couple friends and tell you if they have had a vasectomy or not. Separate issue from the medical records of course but you need to calm down a bit op.

Original poster
durdledoo · 03/03/2022 13:07

@UnconditionalSurrender

Are you prepared to get your MIL sacked and split the family instead of you or your DH having a full and frank grown up conversation with her? In that if she doesn't stop looking you will have to inform the surgery. She knows what that means. Don't let other people wind you up on here to do something that will cause such huge consequences. Nothing will be done quietly. Once you have told the practice manager she will have to take disciplinary action. Getting her sacked because your DH doesn't have the balls to stand up to his parents is mad. She's in the wrong but come on..
I do hear you. He's had a very controlling upbringing and mentioning any wrong his mother could ever do has caused huge huge family upset in the past (over far far less)

She could always respect her sons privacy

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 03/03/2022 13:07

Are you prepared to get your MIL sacked and split the family instead of you or your DH having a full and frank grown up conversation with her? In that if she doesn't stop looking you will have to inform the surgery.

Hmm

I can't believe Mil was willing to risk her job and her family by accessing confidential information.

Original poster
durdledoo · 03/03/2022 13:08

@MyDcAreMarvel

In what works is a vasectomy “very private” I could make every one of my male/couple friends and tell you if they have had a vasectomy or not. Separate issue from the medical records of course but you need to calm down a bit op.
It's private to him.

Very.

Much is a lot of other medical issues we both have. I've got things on my notes I would devastated for my own mother to know.!

OP posts:
JustLyra · 03/03/2022 13:09

Given your DH won’t stand up to her I’d focus on finding a new practice for you and your kids that you can either restrict her access from day one, or ideally she doesn’t work in.

Until your husband is prepared to stand up to her properly there’s nothing you can do that won’t make you the bad guy.

Protect your privacy and that of your children. If your husband won’t, or isn’t ready, to protect his then that’s up to him.

UnconditionalSurrender · 03/03/2022 13:10

@durdledoo I absolutely understand and sympathise. I would be raging too. I have PIL who are the same, but this is so serious and they will never forgive you or him for this. In the end your DH may side with them and blame you. What is needed here is for you DH to find better boundaries with his parents which is harder than telling the surgery but much less serious in the long run. Of course if she continues then at least she will have been warned.

FacebookPhotos · 03/03/2022 13:12

MyDcAreMarvel absolutely loads of people consider fertility details to be very private indeed. I certainly wouldn't be okay with people knowing mine!

MsSquiz · 03/03/2022 13:14

@MyDcAreMarvel

In what works is a vasectomy “very private” I could make every one of my male/couple friends and tell you if they have had a vasectomy or not. Separate issue from the medical records of course but you need to calm down a bit op.
@MyDcAreMarvel the difference being you would be asking them directly if they'd had a vasectomy. Not trying to find out why they had visited their gp/potentially reading their private medical notes without their consent

Can you really not see the difference there?

whynotwhatknot · 03/03/2022 13:15

shes a nosy old cow id report her but i guess it has to be dh if theyre his records

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 03/03/2022 13:16

He's had a very controlling upbringing and mentioning any wrong his mother could ever do has caused huge huge family upset in the past (over far far less)

Honestly, this goes far deeper than confidentiality breaches. Do you want your children to grow up in the shadow of this? Are you willing to let her breach their confidentiality?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/03/2022 13:16

@MyDcAreMarvel

In what works is a vasectomy “very private” I could make every one of my male/couple friends and tell you if they have had a vasectomy or not. Separate issue from the medical records of course but you need to calm down a bit op.

"In what way is it private?" In the way that it's private until someone wishes to volunteer the information. Not have it discovered without their permission. Your post is absolutely ridiculous. This is private medical information and her MIL has ignored very clear, very serious rules and put her job at risk through sheer nosiness. OP doesn't need to calm down at all.

diddl · 03/03/2022 13:17

@pinkyredrose

Are you prepared to get your MIL sacked and split the family instead of you or your DH having a full and frank grown up conversation with her? In that if she doesn't stop looking you will have to inform the surgery. Hmm

I can't believe Mil was willing to risk her job and her family by accessing confidential information.

I agree that a conversation seems pointless.

All that Op can do I think though is protect herself & the kids-it's obviously up to her husband what he does.

Tomhardyshadabath · 03/03/2022 13:18

Hi OP, I work for a public sector organisation with equally confidential information on our systems. This would definitely be a sacking offence for us. I also wouldn't assume that she hasn't done it with other people. I work on the legal side of my organisation dealing with the fallout of misconduct and breaches and these are rarely one-off incidents. It's a kind of power thing for some people and the behaviour escalates as they remain undetected. I also think it's really concerning that she gave her son injections - my mum was a GP and would never give my siblings and I injections, we always had to go to one of her partners. This was in the 70s and 80s. I think that there are loads of personal and professional issues here and I personally wouldn't want someone like that practicing at a surgery where I was a patient.

8timesPerWeek · 03/03/2022 13:19

For those saying the op would+potentially) be responsible for her mother in law getting the sack. That's not on the op. The reason for any disciplinary action would be entirely the mother in law's fault.
But it would cause enormous fall out in the family.
I suspect mil might be on this thread and is bricking it.

SunshineCake1 · 03/03/2022 13:20

@Ncwinc

I think the easiest way to keep her from your records and ‘not rock the boat’ would be to change surgery.

You could stay with the same surgery and talk to the practice manager - explain that you’re concerned and want your records sealed from her. The potential fallout from that could be bad. If they check and she has accessed your records she’ll lose her job. If she finds out that she’s been locked out of the records because you don’t trust her she might flip.

Then let her flip Hmm.
godmum56 · 03/03/2022 13:20

@Dontbeme

whenever one of us is remotely poorly they always know and she regularly comes round with various devices, tests, stuff she's taken from the surgery so she can give us her very own check up

I think she has asked if she can borrow stuff and bring it back. The Gp's allow it

Absolutely baffled that your GP allows staff to take medical devices home for use on family, then just pop it back afterwards. Is this normal? It seems like a legal minefield as well as medically dubious.

ermm no they don't. or at least shouldn't..... I have borrowed stuff to use on a patient who was a patient of the surgery but for a relative, no blooming way. Either they are missbehaving (the GP's) or she is lying to you. I suspect the latter. Honestly speaking as a retired NHS clinical professional, this woman should not be practicing as a nurse on anybody.
electrocautery · 03/03/2022 13:20

I would just change medical practices

MyDcAreMarvel · 03/03/2022 13:21

@youvegottenminuteslynn of course it’s private medical information however describing it as “very private” is bizarre it’s not STD results.

godmum56 · 03/03/2022 13:21

@electrocautery

I would just change medical practices
I would dob her in.
iRun2eatCake · 03/03/2022 13:21

@HollowTalk

Can staff working in the NHS just confirm something:

Janet is a patient at a hospital, awaiting a diagnosis of a serious, potentially life-threatening health problem.

Julie is Janet's sister-in-law and works at the hospital.

John is one of Janet's consultants.

Julie goes to find John (benefit of the doubt she bumped into him, but I doubt that) - she asks him whether there's any news about Janet. Both women have the same surname - John knows they are related. John gives her up to date news - not necessarily the diagnosis (that hadn't been formally made yet) but whatever news he has.

That's not allowed, is it?

Absolutely not!
godmum56 · 03/03/2022 13:21

@8timesPerWeek

For those saying the op would+potentially) be responsible for her mother in law getting the sack. That's not on the op. The reason for any disciplinary action would be entirely the mother in law's fault. But it would cause enormous fall out in the family. I suspect mil might be on this thread and is bricking it.
oh I really hope so.
SpecialSexBlanket · 03/03/2022 13:23

Whatever you say to the practice manager, will have serious implications for your MIL.

What if you're wrong? How prepared are you, to blow a family apart, over something that might not be true?

The other consideration, is if you're right, this will have serious legal repercussions. It's all well and good posters on here being gleeful and saying she deserved it, but again, are you prepared to essentially ruin his parents lives family? I think you're in a bad spot, and it's not right, but the ramifications for whatever you decide to do, will be huge.

8timesPerWeek · 03/03/2022 13:24

I think you should ask for your records to be restricted privacy wise.
You can demur if they ask for a reason, any further steps taken by the practice (such as looking at the access log for your records) will be nothing to do with you. They might just do an audit for forms sake.
I don't think you can leave this.

LadyLolaRuben · 03/03/2022 13:24

NHS manager here, I specialise in this area. She is not permitted to access her sons health records. If you suspect she or anyone else has you can report it to the Manager. They will review who has accessed the medical notes and see if she has obtained the information herself or via a third party. If she's a nurse she will be disciplined and referred to NMC. Just you know, if she is guilty of this, she will probably be sacked and the NMC/regulator will be likely to strike her off as its a breach of the fundamental principles of healthcare

Billybagpuss · 03/03/2022 13:24

@Touchwood2654

Changing surgery would make no difference whatsoever. She has his metal number so she can access his records wherever he moves to.
But is it in the same place? Would she look under her regular surgery and then when it’s not there she looks in another of the groups surgery or is it all instantly accessible without specifying location? If you see what I mean.

If it’s the latter you could move surgery and whilst she will still be able to access the data it will be more obvious if she’s having to actually search for it and is more likely to get her flagged up?