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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask a question in the class WhatApp?

118 replies

whatstheteamarie · 03/03/2022 08:24

Short story: yesterday I asked what the date was of a school event in the class WhatsApp

From a group of 30 parents I received no response except one mum replying with the Monocle Emoji (basically suggesting I look harder for this info myself).

Long story: I'm a lone parent as my DH died suddenly just over a year ago.

Mostly I'm on top of things, but juggling everything alone on top of my grief, my DCs grief, plus health issues, covid etc has meant that occasionally I've dropped the ball by missing some school events (partly because I can't face seeing all the other happy families, partly because I'm so busy I can't fit everything in and partly because I didn't realise they were happening in the first place).

So DC1 came home last night and mentioned the school event that was upcoming, I was trying to get DC2 sorted and out the door to their after school activity, checked my emails from the school, couldn't find anything about said event and fired off question to the WhatsApp group, only to be made to feel rude/foolish for asking.

So:
YABU -you shouldn't ask questions on the class WhatsApp group to save time/energy, you should sort the info yourself.

YANBU - the class WhatsApp are designed to help parents and responding with the date would have been just as quick as the judge-y emoji response that I got.

OP posts:

badger2005 · 03/03/2022 10:42

Really OP, if they are usually okay, then I'm sure nothing was meant (emojis can be interpreted in lots of ways!), and I wouldn't leave the group. The reply from a PP (here's the date in case anyone needs it, smiley face) sounds perfect.
So sorry for your loss. And I feel that you should be so proud of yourself for being so on top of things when you have it all to do.

newroundhere · 03/03/2022 10:43

I get really frustrated in our group when people ask the same question someone else has just asked and answered further up the chat and they haven't bothered to scroll up to check before posting. Someone will generally answer but it tends to be a bit slower than the first response.

Is it a very active group?

ChoiceMummy · 03/03/2022 10:45

@whatstheteamarie

I've found the date now on the school website, thanks to the poster who recommended that, thankfully it's at the end of the month so I've not missed anything.

I had put in my WhatsApp that I'd checked the school emails and it wasn't in there (possibly as it's a couple of weeks away) but as I have to plan everything to the nth degree now my children outnumber the parents I do need to know these things in advance.

I'm not going to take offence as the emoji could well be a mistake response, and I'm probably a bit sensitive as a year ago it was all "if you need ANYTHING just ask" and this is about the first time I have asked and got zero response.

Thanks for all your replies.

Our school has the option to subscribe to their calendar and it then links up with my own personal calendar. Means that I know what's happening when, as long as its in the school calendar.

Jewel52 · 03/03/2022 10:46

@georgarina

YANBU that's extremely rude. I would honestly reply something like 'thanks for the help, since DH died last year it has been harder to keep track of everything myself but I will look it up myself.'

Perfect

CheeseTown · 03/03/2022 10:49

Exactly the right place to ask that question but I don't think the monocle means what you think it does. I don't know what the mum meant but your interpretation sounds very far fetched. It's more likely she'd have written something like Google is your friend of she'd meant that. She probably deleted it later because she realised its meaning is obscure Nd can be misinterpreted.

I'm very sorry about your dh.

AxolotlEars · 03/03/2022 10:52

I think I would have sent an email to the school office but it wouldn't have hurt for someone to respond kindly

Sharrowgirl · 03/03/2022 10:54

People constantly ask things in our group - what day do they break up, what the PE days are, when is WBD. The vast majority of that type of information is available on the school website or we’ve been emailed about it. I assume it’s just laziness on their part.

However, I’d never send an emoji like that and you have extenuating circumstances so I think that parent is just being nasty.

Newnamefor2022 · 03/03/2022 11:04

It would never have occurred to me that that emoji meant anything more than 'I wonder' sort of thing!

listsandbudgets · 03/03/2022 11:04

YANBU - yesterday alone our group had:

What are the spellings this week?
Reminder it's world book day tomorrow I've got a spare costume if anyone is desperate
Can someone put up a photo of the maths homework please?
Has anyone got X's trainers by accident?
Is swimming Monday or Tuesday next week?

Every single one got a helpful and friendly response - the group is there to make life easier and if it wasn't, I'd just leave.

QuinkWashable · 03/03/2022 11:05

YANBU!

Things go astray at the best of times, let alone when you already have so much on your plate.

TBH, our class whatsapps can sometimes have stuff that I'm not interested in, so I just ignore. But if someone's asking a question and it's relevant to the school/kids and I know the answer, then I answer. Why the hell wouldn't I.

SoberSerena · 03/03/2022 11:08

Yanbu of course. I think that's more or less what these groups are for.

I would also say that I'd find the monocle emoji fairly ambiguous. I wouldn't use it to mean go and look yourself and I've never seen it used that way.

I hate these groups sometimes. A small number of men on ours were really rude to a lot of the women at various points. I never said a thing on there as a result and muted it. Saw a lot of requests for anything from free childcare for an entire term to photos of my child for a collage. On balance, I realised I wasn't getting anything out of it, so I left mwahahaha. I haven't missed anything at all. All information is made available elsewhere my dcs school is pretty good that way.

TellerTuesday · 03/03/2022 11:09

They sound like arseholes.

If you had asked in ours you would have received at least 5 probably 10 replies all saying 'it's tomorrow hun' which pisses me off no end as obviously the first reply is enough (unless it's wrong obviously) but at least nobody gets ignored.

Bootothegoose · 03/03/2022 11:10

Leave the group. If there is anyone in particular who is active in answering questions lift their number off the chat and WhatsApp them separately.

‘Hi I’m X, DS’ mum. I hope you don’t mind but I saw your number on the WhatsApp group and thought I’d ask you directly. I don’t suppose you know anything about XYZ?’

Starlight86 · 03/03/2022 11:10

I thought the whole point of a class whatsapp group was for exactly this reason, ours certainly is.

They sound like arseholes, just leave x

SmellyOldOwls · 03/03/2022 11:13

Surely monocle woman was saying 'hmm dunno but I don't want to read and run'

thepeopleversuswork · 03/03/2022 11:17

This person sounds like a smug arsehole to me. YANBU and I don't see the point of a group chat if not to be able to ask questions.

I also dislike this bias against people asking questions more generally: I see this a lot at work. It's taken to be a sign of weakness or incompetence if you can't immediately access all information at all times. It fails to factor in that keeping track of this sort of thing is far harder for some people (such as lone parents) than others.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/03/2022 11:20

Also separate but somewhat related, I don't understand why people get so upset about "over-use" of these threads.

If you find it that intrusive to be asked an innocuous question about homework/World Book Day, just take yourself off the thread or mute it. Or just ignore the question It's not difficult. You can't expect to police everyone else's management of their life admin.

Dinoteeth · 03/03/2022 11:29

I didn't think Whats App groups were used beyond primary school. But they sound rather unhelpful, I wouldn't read too much into montcalm womans message

MurmuratingStarling · 03/03/2022 11:31

They sound vile. Leave the group @whatstheteamarie

URGH! School politics.

CarbonelCat · 03/03/2022 11:44

I have used the monocle before to mean, 'hmm what's this? I've not heard about it, tell me more' type thing. I wouldn't read that as unkind at all?

Our class WhatsApp groups are very quiet. I always post things as I remember them to remind others but barely get responses. I've been told in conversation that people love being reminded but they don't engage.

I wouldn't read much into it at all.

Sarahcoggles · 03/03/2022 11:46

I have mixed feelings about this.

OP you've clearly had a terrible time and it's completely understandable that you're struggling to keep up with all these things, so personally I would cut you some slack. Do the other parents know what you've been through?

However, when my kids were at primary school, I have to confess this sort of thing drove me mad. We all got the same school emails, newsletters, texts etc, and yet some people never bothered to read them, and would rely on others to do the remembering for them.

I'm a working single parent, and because I'm so busy I'm also painfully organised, and I was regularly hassled by other mums (often those with husbands and no job) asking me when what where how why etc. The whatsapp chat was constantly going, because people preferred to just ask others, rather than go to the trouble of reading the newsletter. Of course I could ignore it, but I didn't like the thought of kids missing out.

I'd never send a passive-aggressive monocle emoji though - that's petty.

nitsandwormsdodger · 03/03/2022 11:51

My first thought was you had interpreted the emoji and non responses very negatively... maybe no one knows or info hasn’t been released I can’t believe someone would be that rude especially knowing your circumstances ... can you dM message anyone
I don’t always get responses to my posts

labyrinthlaziness · 03/03/2022 11:52

@whatstheteamarie

Glad it's not just me.

It is quite a quiet group, so quite possible that some are on mute.

DC2s WhatsApp group pings all the time with questions like this; just wondered if it was different at senior school.

It will be a quiet group, because it is an unfriendly group!

I would just leave, nothing in life is made better by unpleasant whatsapp groups.

Sorry for your loss . Missing an event at school is not the end of the world, but maybe you could ask the school secretary for a bit of help (if they are nice) or approach a couple of nicer parents informally?

Rory1234 · 03/03/2022 11:55

I’m the class rep for one of my (primary aged) kids (no one else would do it ) and I tend to post a quick reminder at the start of the week if there’s stuff going on that week - we all get the same emails but it’s easy to miss stuff.

Hellolittlestar · 03/03/2022 12:04

YANBU

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