Does support change the 'parenting experience' completely?

[Sunshinefutures]

Hello,
Name changed so not a new poster but a first time mum to be!

Since being pregnant (now 9 months eek!) I've heard many different things about me having a baby from friends, family and colleagues!

Some seem to act as though I have no idea of the trials and awfulness to come (say goodbye to sleep, money, time, pampering etc) and others gushing about the amazing experience (I loved being pregnant, having babies, goes so fast, miss them being small).

I know everyone has different experiences in general, but these opinions seem to be worlds apart.

Some are warning me as though I'm about to serve a prison sentence despite them having more than 1 child. Others are so giddy with excitement for me.

The only thing I can think of is support around them. Some friends have a big families with very involved grandparents, aunts and uncles who do childcare and sleepovers. They still have nights out and the odd child free weekend.

Others have little active support in terms of childcare. So no child free time or people popping by regularly for a cuppa and catch up.

It doesn't seem to be related to having a DP either no matter how hands on they are which is interesting. As a few friends who complain about parenthood have an equal DP but no involved outside childcare support. They complain a lot about the grind even with a live in involved partner.
Yet a few friends are single mums who relish parenthood but their parents seem to regularly have their kids so they still date/work and socialise .

Is that the difference here? Support outside of the immediate family unit?

It really depends on your outlook. Having children was the making of me (very unmumsnetty to admit this), I've really loved it and even through ds3's very serious illness and disability I still never found it a slog. I didn't have any family support in the sense of childcare, nor did I feel like I needed it. Work on the other hand is a slog for me (although I enjoy it), I can't relate to women who wake up every morning waiting for the challenge ahead, and I have zero interest in promotion or 'climbing the ladder'. I think it depends on what you enjoy.

So much depends on the baby and whether they've read the manual.

Support in the form of childcare is huge.

I will add that I had my dc relatively early on (early to mid 20s) and back then family support meant you could offload problems/worries to your mum. Nowadays support seems to entail your parents/ILs moving near you to give you free childcare, and in many ways I think when that expectation isn't met it can really ruin the 'experience' for many new mothers.

Yes it makes all the difference. I’m a lone parent (so other parent not involved at all) and no family help either. Whereas I see lots of other parents (inc single parents) whose family are very hands on kids spend every weekend there/ they have the kids whilst they work etc

I think having parental support made early part of our kids' lives so much easier. DH and I were able to have time alone, weekends away, some holiday and 'emergency' cover, which takes off the 'relentlessness' of parenting.

I think listening to other people's experiences of having children is largely pointless -- there's no generic 'parenting experience'. You parent the child you get, with his/her temperament, additional needs, health, changes through different life stages etc, in your own particular circumstances (your own health, temperament, life experience, income, whether you are a SAHP or WOHP etc).

I had DS abroad and while on maternity leave moved to another part of the same country where we had no links but work, where it seemed no one but me worked (so local childcare strictly limited), and where all the local mothers were a good ten or fifteen years younger. Certainly having a small baby would have been far easier closer to family, or to more like-minded people.

We have 3dcs and limited parental support in terms of if we have a wedding then we will have babysitters but it tends to be only planned events.

To give you an idea we had 1 wedding last year so we got a day and night off which was lovely however me and DH haven't had a meal out by ourselves in about 3 years.

I think people dont fully understand the undertaking of being a parent, its as if they feel they are DUE time off when in actual fact they are not. of course i think if you can get it then thats fantastic but people should be going into it expecting to have to do it for 100% of their time and treat it as a luxury if you get some "time off"

Generally i think people need to readjust their expectations, the people that didnt are the ones that think its hell on earth.

I have found all of the things you've mentioned to be true, often simultaneously! Parenting is full of contradictions. We haven't had much childcare support. I was happy to do it all but of course it was hard at times, and I must say life has been very much easier since dd has been settled at a school I trust.

Family support is a huge deal. Without it you are 100% responsible 24/7 with absolutely no let up whatsoever until your child has some nursery or school days, then you can both take an annual leave day and go and have lunch and a walk together or something. That's as good as it gets, unless you're happy to pay a professional babysitter, which is often impossible. It's so, so hard on you as a person and as a couple. But everyone tells me it gets easier as the children get older, so if you can get through those baby and preschool years there's hope! Disclaimer: I'm currently in the trenches myself and on my knees with exhaustion, so apologies if I paint a gloomy picture - this is just my experience.

It's worth remembering also that both things can be true at the same time when it comes to parenthood. Parenthood is a game of extreme contradictions.

You can be both exhausted and totally overwhelmed by early motherhood while simultaneously loving the experience of having a new baby. You can love children deeply and also find them extremely irritating.

You can spend most of your waking hours wanting to get away from your children and then miss them with a primal ache the minute you are away from them. You can hugely resent the hindrance being a mother puts on your life while still not being able to imagine not having had them.

Most of the people you're talking to are probably just giving you a snapshot of their feelings at a moment in time. It doesn't mean the other extreme hasn't also applied at another point.

Ooh good points about tour own personal temperament etc and if it coincides with the children you get.

@Starlight86 funny you say that. My most vocal friend who complains about parenting has 0 support in terms of family yet planned her baby with her husband who works abroad.
She seems also enraged that she doesn't have childcare support outside of nursery but yet it was never in the equation for her. So I'm not sure what she was expecting?
She has told me it's soul destroying and to enjoy these days waiting for labour as once baby is here its game over.

Her complaints stem from having no time to herself as she's only in work or with her toddler due to no support. But she's never had a family amd her husband has always worked abroad so I'm really not sure what she expected to happen.

Maybe lots of people don't think it through until its happened? Then it's a shock even though it was always obviously going to be the reality?

I just hope I really enjoy parenthood rather than find it a prison sentence. I'm excited and thought through the pros and cons so I really hope I've not underestimated this.

"Family support is a huge deal. Without it you are 100% responsible 24/7 with absolutely no let up whatsoever until your child has some nursery or school days" @WildWombat I disagree with this completely. Zero family support here but a good friendship group and we help each other.

I think it does make a huge difference. Both my parents and my in laws live over 100 miles away so we had no day to day support.

But….

My dad retired 3 months before ds (my second child) was born. The year I was on maternity leave they used to come and stay once a month from Monday to Friday.

It made everything so much easier. Adults to talk to, an extra pair of hands (my dad was pretty useless but my mum was very helpful), being able to go back to bed for a couple of hours if I had had an awful night.

There’s also a great deal of luck involved. I don’t have much family support at all but have one (usually) easy-going DD. I have friends with family support coming out their ears but multiple hard-work children and overall my experience is probably easier.

Support/money/luck.

I have twins and a 4yo. We have no family support but the older one is wonderfully independent and we can throw money at childcare and parental leave.

She seems also enraged that she doesn't have childcare support outside of nursery but yet it was never in the equation for her. So I'm not sure what she was expecting?

Agree with all PP saying that local family support vs not having it is a huge difference. We have 2 DC and no local family and it is relentless (and expensive!). But we went into it with our eyes open though.

What is irritating is coming up against people who have local family who do a lot of childcare for them and who take it utterly for granted. Perhaps that is what your friend is struggling with OP?

DH and I have each other and that's it. No family support whatsoever.

My lovely parents both died long before I had my DS (17 on Monday!) and DH's parents couldn't give less of a shit about DS if he was some random kid on the street.

The other GC's are showered with love, attention and time whereas I can count on one hand the times they have actually seen DS never mind offer any form of support.

The difference, you may ask?

DS has severe learning difficulties among many other challenges and I honestly think they are embarrassed of him.

It breaks my heart as I know for a fact my own Mum and Dad would have been bloody brilliant with him and yet they have been denied knowing such a sweet, loving, funny lad.

So in answer to your original question, YES I think DH's and mine parental experience would have been VERY different and a far easier road than the one we have experienced should we have had any support whatsoever.

It depends largely on how well your baby sleeps and whether your partner pulls their weight, imo.

Also, people forget how hard it is the further they get from that part of their lives.

Becoming a parent is both things, though. Incredibly hard, and full of joy.

I think it does make a difference but there’s not a direct correlation between support = good experience.

I eye roll at the people who say they’re really busy and can’t fit it all in when they work part time with grandma childcare on hand all week, or at the ones who “only have a weekend break once in the past year”. That is not my experience.

Equally, I eye roll at those people who have never - despite healthy children - organised a babysitter to allow them to go out for an evening with their spouse in a decade.

(I am, as you can imagine, in the middle: I have no family support, but have babysitting swaps in place if I need them, and organise childcare. It’s hard work but brilliant too).

It is obviously different if you have caring responsibilities complicated by health issues (at child, parent or wider parent level).

To be honest I do think the biggest deciding factor is sleep (which can be connected to childcare). If you’ve got a child who never slept through as a baby (or as a child), your experience of parenting will be radically different to someone who has 8 hours a night for most of their children’s early lives OR someone willing to do occasional overnight childcare to facilitate sleep.

It’s because it’s simultaneously the hardest thing you’ll ever do, a massive grind, and the most joyful life affirming thing you’ll ever do.

These things are true whether you have outside support or not.

Ps even without family or friends who can help it is possible to use a babysitter to have the odd evening out with a partner. I know this is financially out of reach for some but others do like to martyr themselves to parenthood

I think family help does make a big difference but isn't everything - there are so many factors. Some of it is will be what type of person the friend talking to you is (glass half full or empty) and what they feel they would have found useful to know pre-baby. The "prison sentence" gang most likely also had the lovely bits but are just emphasising the bad bits to you to make sure you don't go into it blindfolded thinking it's ALL going to be delightful and then worry if you don't find it so.

In reality it's always going to be a mix - you have moments where you can't believe how wonderful and amazing it is and moments where you think "I'm not sure I can keep doing this" plus everything in between!

For me this was not what the crux was. We have zero family support and i would still say I'm in the giddy, loving it camp. I think the difference is the extent to which you are open to let it change you and your life and embrace it all.

Good family support can be a game changer. But there's so much more to it. That just that one thing.

And how easy or difficult your baby is which is luck of the draw really

Yes, friends can help too. We were part of a mutual 'babysitting circle' and there are apps to help manage these.

There isn't a 'universal experience' of parenting, but looking over at friends, I think that the expectation of 'Hahaha, you'll never sleep again for years' is actually seldom the case. Maybe c10% of friends had really persistent non-sleepers where it went on for years.

I'd say it's only the first 6 months or so where most people experience seriously disrupted sleep; beyond that although sleep may be a bit disturbed, and you won't get a lie-in, it's not desperate holding-eyes-open-with-matchsticks territory for years on end!