Does support change the 'parenting experience' completely?

[Sunshinefutures]

Hello,
Name changed so not a new poster but a first time mum to be!

Since being pregnant (now 9 months eek!) I've heard many different things about me having a baby from friends, family and colleagues!

Some seem to act as though I have no idea of the trials and awfulness to come (say goodbye to sleep, money, time, pampering etc) and others gushing about the amazing experience (I loved being pregnant, having babies, goes so fast, miss them being small).

I know everyone has different experiences in general, but these opinions seem to be worlds apart.

Some are warning me as though I'm about to serve a prison sentence despite them having more than 1 child. Others are so giddy with excitement for me.

The only thing I can think of is support around them. Some friends have a big families with very involved grandparents, aunts and uncles who do childcare and sleepovers. They still have nights out and the odd child free weekend.

Others have little active support in terms of childcare. So no child free time or people popping by regularly for a cuppa and catch up.

It doesn't seem to be related to having a DP either no matter how hands on they are which is interesting. As a few friends who complain about parenthood have an equal DP but no involved outside childcare support. They complain a lot about the grind even with a live in involved partner.
Yet a few friends are single mums who relish parenthood but their parents seem to regularly have their kids so they still date/work and socialise .

Is that the difference here? Support outside of the immediate family unit?

As a new mum I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say its not as I expected.
I knew there would be sleepless nights. I knew it would be hard going physically and emotionally. I knew we were having a baby without a support network (inlaws 5 hour drive away, DM housebound, BIL useless, no siblings on my side).

I would say that having a good support network absolutely is a make or break scenario. We dont have people who can take baby for a few hours to give me/us a break. The days are long and exhausting. DD is smashing though and I wouldnt change her for the world.
But,
If someone said, ill come and mind baby for a few hours so you can go and do X, id jump at it.
Not to get away because I resent losing my free time, but I do feel like I dont have an identity now and sometimes it would be nice just to do one thing for me.
If you have help set up, great.
If youre offered help, take it.
If you dont have any help, so be it, but make sure your partner realises youre in it together and you need to support each other.

Support is huge. I had twins 5 weeks before the first lockdown and my god - those few months totally broke me. The fact that absolutely everything was on me and DH and us alone felt completely relentless. As soon as we could have support back it changed everything; we have childcare, my parents and family regularly watch the children even for little things like me going to get my hair done, date nights - they’ve even allowed us a full night off!! All things that completely refresh and rejuvenate an exhausted mother - I’m not sure I’d be enjoying parenthood as much without it!

I haven't ever had any childcare support but have a supportive DH and an extended family who were open and honest, but positive about the reality of life with children. I had sensible expectations I think.

My own experiences have been really positive.

OP i think you are right. Support makes a huge difference. The only help we have had is my mum coming over for a few hours while I still work. She used to have my first child here too for longer. Other parents don't help, despite my OH's parents not working. My parents still do.

We don't really get nights out together and a weekend away from the kids would be unheard of. It does feel like a hard grind to be honest.

Also agree with pp about temperament of child. First DC was fairly easy, but second child is a stubborn whirlwind what screams and whinges constantly. It feels twice the work with him.

In my opinion it's the mindset of the parent, there are negative and positive parents.

I try to be a positive parent (not in the hippy flowers shite) but not looking at parenting as a jail sentence, the sleepless nights and having to take a suitcase to do the weekly shop. When my son was 2 months old my friend told me 'everything is a phase' and my god she wasn't wrong. Once you got used to one routine it was then about to change (bottles/naps). So as hard as the sleepless nights are it will change and it's not forever. Also remember that a baby picks up on the temperament of the parent so if you're het up so will the baby.

I also hate it when parents say 'oh look forward to teething' 'you've got the terrible twos coming'. I just roll my eyes because why is everything so negative?

For me it’s lifestyle, personality, money, expectations plus support (paid or family) does help.

We have two young children and absolutely love it and the chaos. Our families live 100s of miles away and so have only met our children a handful of times. We have had no “help” since our eldest was born, it’s tiring for sure but we are just enjoying it and remind ourselves how quickly it goes. I can see how support helps with breaks etc - but doesn’t stop the enjoyment if you have a positive outlook on it m. Just embrace the messy house!

@Sunshinefutures

Ooh good points about tour own personal temperament etc and if it coincides with the children you get.

@Starlight86 funny you say that. My most vocal friend who complains about parenting has 0 support in terms of family yet planned her baby with her husband who works abroad.
She seems also enraged that she doesn't have childcare support outside of nursery but yet it was never in the equation for her. So I'm not sure what she was expecting?
She has told me it's soul destroying and to enjoy these days waiting for labour as once baby is here its game over.

Her complaints stem from having no time to herself as she's only in work or with her toddler due to no support. But she's never had a family amd her husband has always worked abroad so I'm really not sure what she expected to happen.

Maybe lots of people don't think it through until its happened? Then it's a shock even though it was always obviously going to be the reality?

I just hope I really enjoy parenthood rather than find it a prison sentence. I'm excited and thought through the pros and cons so I really hope I've not underestimated this.

Yes, it's true that your friend's expectations were a bit 'off', but she probably didn't realise how difficult it can feel until she was living the life she had made... It can be very hard without anyone around to help.

On the whole people seem to generally have little regrets despite support networks with family/friends just being a massive bonus.

Not how I’d summarise the thread at all. Anyway, having few regrets is very different from “really enjoying parenthood”.

"No, I'd say it was your attitude not support that makes the difference.

Also, realising that your baby has a personality of it's own from the start - I've come across a surprising number of people who think that a baby's personality can be instilled by the parents in some way.

Hope you have your own baby very soon to test out our theories and report back OP,I loved the baby and toddler era of my life."

What @chiccroissant said

The thing for me is that, without support, if something goes wrong, it really can be very difficult. We work full time, son full time in nursery: but my back has gone out and it’s seriously affecting my mobility.

We got a call from nursery to say he’s vomited (once) and we need to come and collect him. We’re trying to sort out school choices for our son, and work, I’ve got an energy complaint on the go as well, which I’m trying to wrap up.

It’s the amount of juggling that has to go on when even one thing goes wrong - nobody to rely on in an emergency.

It makes a bit difference.

I also think you sound hugely unsympathetic re your friend who’s struggling at the moment, which comes across as quite harsh. It’s all very well saying “you knew all these facts before you got pregnant and had a kid” - the reality of living it can be very different from what you imagined, particularly if you don’t have an easy baby/toddler.

*big difference

It also affects family relationships; like another poster, I am still flabbergasted as just how little His paternal grandparents seem to care about him in terms of actually making an effort to see him - their only grandchild. My mother in law sends him presents now and again, but it’s a shame they simply do not know him as they’ve spent about 4 days in his company since he was born and he’s now two and a half. I really struggle not to feel quite resentful of that, but it seems many grandparents are similar, certainly if Mumsnet is anything to go by. Self centred, is what I’d call it.

I think your temperament probably plays a larger factor. Whilst I enjoy being social and interacting with others, left to my own devices the majority of my leisure time is spent reading, sewing, listening to interesting podcasts and scrolling the internet. This makes parenting feel relentless sometimes despite having family support because all of those things are hard to do with a toddler who needs lots of attention.
Some people seem to cope better than others with broken sleep. Personally, I found nighttime wakes unbearably difficult and as soon as my child started to sleep through the night I felt less depressed.

Lone parent here. It's just me. No family. DC have complex additional needs.

Support would make all the difference in the world. I havent had a full nights sleep in years

Some people that moan about family/DH not pulling their weight really have no bloody clue.I get irrationally angry that they don't appreciate how lucky they actually are.

Yes I think support makes parenting easier. We have no support whatsoever in a part of the country where most people have their families to help them out. So many of our friends have i
laws on tap who are very supportive. Thing is people with support don't realise how fortunate they are and cannot empthaise easily with people who don't have any...they just can't understand why you can't go out/attend the wedding etc. The days can be long with no one popping round or anyone to meet up with. Having said all that in our experience it has been great. We are a stronger parenting team and have had to get out..make our own friends and be resilient. Our kids only have to follow our rules so its less confusing for them and the work together as a team and I have loved parenting so far. So your attitude is probably important too. Try to make your life work as well as possible (we have moved house and I'm part time...things that have made a difference to our quality of life ) ...

@Dreambigger

Our kids only have to follow our rules so its less confusing for them

Genuinely hadn’t thought of this aspect, but it’s an excellent point.

@Piglet89 . Thanks. Yeah think its part of finding the positives in the situation too. It was really hard with small kids at times but it is what it is...so it's one benefit of a less than ideal situation. Just got to crack on..... and not compare yourself too much with your friends and their lovely inlaws round the corner

@Dreambigger thanks! So true.

Were my mum and dad next door as opposed to 500 miles and a body of water away, I bet I’d be whingeing about something else! 😂

In my experience yes, I have experienced both. I had loads of support in the form of my mum, she would regularly babysit & look after my DD just because she loved being with her. My mum passed away suddenly and now I have no help or support and I find parenting much harder. Not really day to day but all the responsibility if they are unwell and never being able to plan trips/nights out without her. Support is worth its weight in gold I would say, I found parenting a breeze when I still had my own mum, now some days I feel like I can't possibly carry on doing this without a break for years.

Yes, support is going to give you a more positive experience of much about anything i think.

But part of this might be who you are talking to. Closer friends are likely to express some negatives with you because they feel 'safe' to do that - they know you to be supportive of them and they don't want to present a one sided view, perhaps. Those who are colleagues or more distantly acquainted might just give you the socially acceptable 'everythings fine' line.

Saying that it's going to be affected by what a day they are having too. There are elements of parenting that present a challenge, having more help there for you is of course going to help that. But solo parenting, or a small unit can be quite special.