Does support change the 'parenting experience' completely?

[Sunshinefutures]

Hello,
Name changed so not a new poster but a first time mum to be!

Since being pregnant (now 9 months eek!) I've heard many different things about me having a baby from friends, family and colleagues!

Some seem to act as though I have no idea of the trials and awfulness to come (say goodbye to sleep, money, time, pampering etc) and others gushing about the amazing experience (I loved being pregnant, having babies, goes so fast, miss them being small).

I know everyone has different experiences in general, but these opinions seem to be worlds apart.

Some are warning me as though I'm about to serve a prison sentence despite them having more than 1 child. Others are so giddy with excitement for me.

The only thing I can think of is support around them. Some friends have a big families with very involved grandparents, aunts and uncles who do childcare and sleepovers. They still have nights out and the odd child free weekend.

Others have little active support in terms of childcare. So no child free time or people popping by regularly for a cuppa and catch up.

It doesn't seem to be related to having a DP either no matter how hands on they are which is interesting. As a few friends who complain about parenthood have an equal DP but no involved outside childcare support. They complain a lot about the grind even with a live in involved partner.
Yet a few friends are single mums who relish parenthood but their parents seem to regularly have their kids so they still date/work and socialise .

Is that the difference here? Support outside of the immediate family unit?

I think family support is a big thing like you have mentioned. But for me one of the biggest factors is likely to be how we were parented. I found that motherhood brought up a lot for me from my childhood, my relationship with my mother, and the ways that my emotional needs were not met. I’d never found anything so stressful as the first year of my first child’s life - and partly that was a view that my family was great, I knew what I was doing, and the reality was so difference. 6yrs in I can see at lot more clearly how my mum wasn’t able to deal constructively with feeling stressed and angry, and how this impacted my responses to my kids/what stresses me.

Basically you are entering into a huge new attachment relationship, which inevitably pokes your own attachment experiences, many of which you may not be aware of until you become a parent. I’d suspect if you did research, the people who find it blissful had more secure and confident parents who helped them learn about experiencing their negative emotions without repression, to be able to ask for and accept help, to view themselves as basically good and doing their best. And that the tormented had less of those things.

Or, which you’ll find - the blissful may be hiding some of the ugly bits as they are afraid to admit it, or don’t remember. Being in relationship with children can be magical and wonderful but hard at times for everyone, regardless of how secure they are.

I think it all varies so much - you can have involved family, or no family but a friendship group in similar situations. Your baby can be a bundle of sleepy joy, or a screaming non sleeper - and then the sleepy joy can be a terrible toddler. Family can be around, but pile on the criticism and expectations, or lovely but need care themselves. You may be able to afford paid childcare, or your child may not cope.
Take it as it comes, but do make the most of that time before birth as for the next 18 or more years you will never not be thinking about exactly where they are at any point

I think there are a few things that can account for the difference.

Some people really struggle to adapt to the life change around having kids. It may be they can't manage the irregular sleep as well as they expected, or they end up with a more difficult child, ppd, whatever. Also people just have different temperments, some are less patient, some are more social, and so on.

In quite a few cases I think it's psychological - our culture doesn't really prepare people well to give up their sense of independence, and mothers especially can struggle to think of themselves in a new way - they feel they have given up who they are. In my experience those who struggle with that often don't enjoy many aspects of parenthood as they feel claustrophobic.

But I do think you are right that support makes a huge difference, and maybe especially those people. In western culture many people lack the basics, like local family support. But also community support. There may be "programs" but they don't really make up for a network of people in your local neighbourhood, even just people to socialize with.

I think it depends more on what you are like, what your health (pre and post-birth), your labour experience and your day-to-day life are generally like and what your partner is like, and most of all what your babies/children are like than whether you have external help.

My dc were a breeze tbh - I didn't need much help with them.

When I had dc 1 my parents worked full time. I had raging PND, to the point of becoming psychotic.
When I had dc2 they'd retired, were able to help loads and my mental and physical health were a million times better.
I can't say with any evidence that my parents made the difference, but I can't helping thinking it must have played a part.

It varies. I dared to say that if I had been a single parent or became one I'd move closer to family, and was jumped on for "assuming everyone has family to help". There are some people who are seriously angry about their own parents refusing to babysit/help in any way, both on MN and it seems in your real life. We personally don't have anyone within 200 miles although my in-laws have a second home near us where they visit every few weeks and take DS for the day.

The thing is, most people start a relationship with someone because they like them. It is very difficult on your relationship when your only break is when the other parent physically takes them out. We do as someone said - take AL when DS is at nursery. And try and enjoy our evenings!

Support locally is a massive difference. All the little things really add up, things like always having to rush back in good time for nursery pickup, trying to decorate the house while entertaining/distracting a toddler, having to take them along to appointments with you. Everything just becomes a lot more tiring with a young child in tow! Add that to the ease of getting a proper day/night off with your partner and there's quite a difference in lifestyles.

The 50% of my NCT group (who have 3 year olds) who went on to have 2nd children close in age are the 50% with family on the doorstep.

I agree with a past poster that it can be intensely irritating to see people who do have help take it for granted.

I have poor sleepers and very little day to day support outside paid childcare. I work in a job that means I need to stay late fairly often, fortunately DH has a more stable work pattern so can be around in the evenings.

Having poor sleepers does make things harder, I can't really expect a friend to put up with my DC because they don't sleep well at the best of times and without DH or I there I can imagine it would be really tough! Does mean we haven't had a night off in 6 years but such is life! We have managed the occasional evening out and now DS2 is nearly 3 I'm hoping we've broken the back of the really intense early years.

As others have said, there are lots of variables (your temperament, baby's temperament, siblings if they come along, illnesses, life's ups and downs etc) but I do think family support can be a game changer.

Yes, you can throw money at childcare and have arrangements with friends etc, but in all honestly, it will usually only be family who are as interested in your child as you are, and feel that their past, present and future is deeply connected to your.

I didn't have grandparents (all passed away before I was born) but we did have two aunts who supported my single parent mum practically and emotionally. Neither had children of their own or were married.

This didn't stop my mother becoming depressed, being admitted into hospital and struggling for years, but I can't imagine that she would have coped at all if they hadn't been around.

We've had very little family support ie a few days here and there in an emergency like me having a tumour removed. Although I was grateful for this, I've got friends whose parents are very involved with their grandchildren eg baby sit, take an interest when a tooth falls out, attend concerts, have them during the holidays and I can 100% say that this would have made my life and mental health considerably more manageable when my children were younger.

If you don’t have support from friends or family then parenting is truly relentless. I thought it was possible to have a child and still enjoy your life - I didn’t realise that the mums I saw enjoying their lives had support that I wouldn’t have. So I had a baby and then had a nervous breakdown because it was too much to cope on my own.

I agree with the PP who says that parenthood throws up a LOT about your own childhood.

In my case, I found some things very hard to cope with, my husband was not very helpful when we had our first (he’s brilliant now) and my parents were AWFUL (and I don’t just mean with no helping, just generally horrible).

Support for me would be having someone to speak to and someone to pop in or to call into to lighten the load, but I don’t have that.

My friends all do have that, which means that 1) they have absolutely zero idea of what I am talking about and 2) are often not available to do any calling into as they are off having family support!

It means that I rely heavily on my husband and feel like I have no one else to turn to.

It also means there’s no such thing as baby sitting swapping either, as again, they have family to do that.

I see other families share school runs, activity pick ups, general day to day things, but since I had our eldest 7 years ago, it has been me, all day every day.

I think it makes a massive difference. We haven’t had a day or night together by ourselves since Dc was born. We moved abroad where babysitting isn’t really a thing, people tend to have nannies etc. it will be like this for the foreseeable. We plan everything around DC because they are still small. It would be lovely to be able to go out for dinner and a movie together and not have to get up at the crack of dawn or through the night.

I adjusted badly to the whole thing and I think I would have been much happier if someone came around to play with DC for a few hours for example so I could get some stuff done or just go to the shop and browse. People say having just 1 means they fit into your life. I haven’t found that to be true at all for us.

@MangyInseam

I think there are a few things that can account for the difference.

Some people really struggle to adapt to the life change around having kids. It may be they can't manage the irregular sleep as well as they expected, or they end up with a more difficult child, ppd, whatever. Also people just have different temperments, some are less patient, some are more social, and so on.

In quite a few cases I think it's psychological - our culture doesn't really prepare people well to give up their sense of independence, and mothers especially can struggle to think of themselves in a new way - they feel they have given up who they are. In my experience those who struggle with that often don't enjoy many aspects of parenthood as they feel claustrophobic.

But I do think you are right that support makes a huge difference, and maybe especially those people. In western culture many people lack the basics, like local family support. But also community support. There may be "programs" but they don't really make up for a network of people in your local neighbourhood, even just people to socialize with.

I’d agree with this, I’m an impatient introvert and I have struggled with an on the whole lovely kid. I find parenting very suffocating. It’s nothing to do with my DC either, the fault is definitely in me. So someone else in my shoes may find it easy. I think if I had family around I would have found it more enjoyable, more breaks, more people to share things with and to absorb some of my DC’s attention demands,

I absolutely love being a parent and tbh it's been the making of me. I'm so much more driven and motivated, healthier , fitter etc. We have loads of family but absolutely zero help. My Dhs family are extremely unpractical and the types who expect dinner when we had just had a baby.....a lot of issues with drink , mental health etc so totally unsuitable. My family are v v kind with words and support through whatapp etc but they have literally never looked after my DC's for 5 mins , not even that they have never even spent time in the parks or gone for a walk etc . I had huge issues with sleep deprivation as two of our three kids were terrible sleepers , no one ever offered any help at all, not even for an hour or when I visited I would have loved to have gone to our local town for an hour just to have a quick look and I would have to bring all 3 small kids with me , they wouldnt dream of offering. It's a bit of a bizarre thing as seems totally different to everyone around us and on mn really.
However my DH and I swap over loads so we get lots of breaks just never on own.

Anecdotally I know three mothers who absolutely love being mums and wouldn’t change it. None of the three have support outside of their households. One is a single mum, one is married but I happily to a man who doesn’t pull his weight, one is in a happy marriage with a man who does around 30% of the child raising.

I think mindset has more to do with it than outside help but it’s probably very individual and made up of things like outside help, temperament, mindset, the child, the other parent etc.

I think it depends on the person and the baby

I think having an actively involved and supportive partner is the key.

My parents in law live close by and are supportive but they don't provide childcare per se. My MIL watched my son when I had appointments during my mat leave and they have babysat once in the evening so we could go out for dinner.

For me, having a partner who pulls his weight is what really matters.

Well, I absolutely love being a mum and wouldn't change it, but was desperate for some family support when they were younger (up to about age 10, I guess).

Like I regularly bring kids away on my own for a weekend and my DH chills or does his hobby or some house maintenance and then he does the same and I sleep in , watch Netflix or go hiking , running etc. It's made us very close and on a plus it's made us well able to look after our own DC ourselves, the pandemic wasn't so impacting as I was always used to having the DC's on my own.
I have worked freelance and worked during naps and sleep time but I wanted to do this as don't like nurseries. I'm back working a lot now as they are in school but it is much much harder than ppl with loads of support, it's so much easier for those with cover workwise.

I can understand grandparents not wanting to do loads or any childcare but I did loads pre children as an aunt as I thought it was the right thing to help in s family when others were exhausted or struggling. At 37 we are getting our lives back but having a supportive dh and both valuing our independance has been essential

I think there’s a MASSIVE difference. I have never had any support from parents or parents in law. When I had my first I didn’t even really have friends as we’d moved, and at that point couldn’t drive. It’s been really, really hard at times. Conversely some of my friends have their mums popping in daily , doing school pick ups, lots of friends because they grew up locally etc. I know it’s not their fault and parents aren’t ‘entitled ‘ to help but I can’t help think the whole thing would be a lot more enjoyable and manageable when you get regular head space and constant support. How could it not be?

I'd say the main factors are:

• How well you function on no sleep
• How your body reacts to the hormones
• How easy your baby is

Everything else is just a bonus.

No, I'd say it was your attitude not support that makes the difference.

Also, realising that your baby has a personality of it's own from the start - I've come across a surprising number of people who think that a baby's personality can be instilled by the parents in some way.

Hope you have your own baby very soon to test out our theories and report back OP, I loved the baby and toddler era of my life.

@seekinglondonlife

I will add that I had my dc relatively early on (early to mid 20s) and back then family support meant you could offload problems/worries to your mum. Nowadays support seems to entail your parents/ILs moving near you to give you free childcare, and in many ways I think when that expectation isn't met it can really ruin the 'experience' for many new mothers.

This! We did not have support as in babysitting - all grandparents were still working, and I didn’t really expect it, so we made our own arrangements. I did have my mum on the end of the phone, though, and that made a huge difference

Wimpeyspread I think that's it - knowing that there's someone on the end of the phone who will be there for you in some shape or form would have made a huge difference to me.