Does support change the 'parenting experience' completely?

[Sunshinefutures]

Hello,
Name changed so not a new poster but a first time mum to be!

Since being pregnant (now 9 months eek!) I've heard many different things about me having a baby from friends, family and colleagues!

Some seem to act as though I have no idea of the trials and awfulness to come (say goodbye to sleep, money, time, pampering etc) and others gushing about the amazing experience (I loved being pregnant, having babies, goes so fast, miss them being small).

I know everyone has different experiences in general, but these opinions seem to be worlds apart.

Some are warning me as though I'm about to serve a prison sentence despite them having more than 1 child. Others are so giddy with excitement for me.

The only thing I can think of is support around them. Some friends have a big families with very involved grandparents, aunts and uncles who do childcare and sleepovers. They still have nights out and the odd child free weekend.

Others have little active support in terms of childcare. So no child free time or people popping by regularly for a cuppa and catch up.

It doesn't seem to be related to having a DP either no matter how hands on they are which is interesting. As a few friends who complain about parenthood have an equal DP but no involved outside childcare support. They complain a lot about the grind even with a live in involved partner.
Yet a few friends are single mums who relish parenthood but their parents seem to regularly have their kids so they still date/work and socialise .

Is that the difference here? Support outside of the immediate family unit?

It certainly depends on your situation, I'm a single parent to an almost 5 year old who's disabled which has its challenges, however I am very lucky I get a lot of support with him, Ive recently just moved out of my parents and it's been a bit of a shock 😂

@Twitterwhooooo

Wimpeyspread I think that's it - knowing that there's someone on the end of the phone who will be there for you in some shape or form would have made a huge difference to me.

She was only there for the first 2 unfortunately - I wish she’d been around when they were teenagers, I could have really done with her advice then!!

I think it entirely depends on your baby, your partner (if you have one) and outside support. Also your expectations.

Realistically for most it probably falls somewhere in between.

I think it's down to the baby, we had a settled child and screamer.
The screamer was awful, the whole household was permanently tired.

I have no 'support' in that we live a long way from extended family. It is awkward when the kids are ill or have appointments. But it is amazing to do it all your own way. I have loved parenting for the past 8 years. Loved it. My youngest will start school soon and I am dreading that.

I've never really thought about it in these terms before and I do agree that there are a lot of variables, not least what kind of baby you have. But actually, I think this might be part of it. DS was a difficult baby and my overwhelming feeling was like it was just relentless. All the time. My parents live far away but I have this one shining memory of my mum, who visited for a while when DS was born, insisting that DH and I go out and she'd stay with the baby. I felt such a sense of relief and peace.

I honestly think it depends on the baby and your own outlook etc..if you'd spoken to me when my little one was 12 months whilst I loved her fiercely and had loved mat leave coming back to work I struggled with the shift in identity at work. She's now 18 months so it's not long and now I honestly am one of those annoying mums who is giddy about all tiny humans and pregnant coworkers etc. My dd has an easy going temperament we don't have loads of family local but the family we have are very involved, love her loads and offer to babysit so hubby and I still have some pockets of couple time.

Support is a huge aspect.
So is the health and constitution of your child.

Someone with genuinely helpful family and friends nearby, a solid relationship with the dad, and one, placid baby who feeds well and sleeps through is going to have a radically different experience from the mother of undersized twins who don't feed or sleep, who scream all night, and who has no family nearby, or no partner to spread the load.

I have no external support. We have a lack of local, conveniently aged family. We went into family life knowing that. However most local people we know have local family that they use for support so it's difficult to ask for favours that don't end up being mutually requited for fear of entering cheeky fucker territory.
We have the added complication of DS1 having "high functioning" autism. He copes with school and structured activities but that fills his social quota. This makes outsourcing childcare/ support much harder and less worthwhile. We also don't have a good range of people that he feels comfortable with and one good friend is enough for him.

2020 was painfully lonely. When the "bubbles" came in, we were a spare part. There were vast chunks of March 20-21 that socially life was me and the DCs and overhearing DH's conference calls.
My career became unmanagable because of DS1's needs and the demands of DH's job and there's a limit to how far you can stretch yourself.

I love the DCs, they're brilliant, we have a lot of fun and laughs and hopefully a great relationship. I have no regrets. However life would be easier with some support and the cost of the lack of that is my sense of self and opportunities.

I didn’t have much support from family but I did, still do, have a great partner. We didn’t do much without the children for years but we were both happy with that. We did lots and just took the kids with us. Our oldest didn’t have a night away from us til he was 5 and and our youngest til she was 6. We preferred the kids to be with us, even now our oldest is 18 and goes away with friends on holiday, to festivals etc, we still breath a sigh of relief when he gets home. 😂 Obviously I don’t know how things would have been with more input from our family, but our children are really lovely and are really close to us and to each other.
When people talk about the nightmare newborn or toddler stage, obviously that’s their experience, but I absolutely loved it. Definitely some of our happiest time’s were when the kids were really young.

I think your right. I've been a parent for 10 years. Our own situation, my kids have both sets of grandparents close by, one set they hardly ever see and they have never babysat for us ever. They know nothing about their gran children's lives.
My parents are much more involved but only during short visits. They also hardly babysit. They have had them 1 night in ten years. Because of this I have struggled alot. Especially because I was a sahm and became very isolated. Every day was groundhog day, I was so lonely and was never able to take any time off or just for me. It was relentless. Now my kids are abit older it's gotten easier.
Some friends of mine who had kids at the same time had alot of help from family and still maintained a socisl life. I was very jealous I won't lie.

My eldest is 20, youngest 11. DH and I have never really had any support from family, despite some huge challenges. Both his and my parent live nearby but they don't really care. When "support" has been offered it has always been way off the mark, albeit well intended - think advice completely conflicted to professional advice. With everything that's gone on honestly I have a sour taste in my mouth regarding both sets of our parents so we don't really bother with them now, their loss.

In contrast I have a couple of friends who have had parents that are involved with their children, they all have wonderful, loving and supportive relationships with each other. It's lovely to see but I always feel sad (and a bit jealous I will admit) that my children have been unable to have the same relationship with their grandparents.

OP it depends on your respective personalities. My husband and I have one kid (2.5) and basically zero family involvement. We have fairly demanding full time jobs (his is very demanding) and we are constantly knackered. Our marriage has taken a serious beating as we don’t have any real time to ourselves as a couple.

An example: my back has gone out, im in quite a lot of pain, but he’s at work today and I will still have to go up to nursery to collect my son. I wish I had someone to do it for me, just the way im feeling at the moment.

I think good extended family support is an enormous boon and if we had some, things would be hugely different for us.

There’s no “give in the system” for us: anything goes (Eg my back) and we can’t really call on anyone to help. That makes a big difference.

Sorry as others have said, it also massively depends on the personality of your child!

I think family support can be a game changer, my Mum moved to be close to us however she's 77 (and I'm now 39) and my nearly 2 year old too much of a handful for her to look after on her own all day, however if I need a couple of hours here or there fpr an appointment she is nearly always on hand and we see each other nearly every other day Mon/Weds/Fri and I enjoy her company (we mostly pop out to child cafe's etc) and my son is in nursery Tues Thurs when I work from home part time. I also have a hands on supportive husband who works full time but is very present during the weekends and evenings.

My FIL is 40 miles away and unfortunately my DF and MIL are no longer with us, we try to see FIL every couple of weeks or so.

We haven't had a night out or weekend away (without a toddler in tow) for 2 years so that has been a bit hard however we've tried to make it work. I'm mostly enjoying being a Mum, it's both rewarding and sometimes a slog. Your life does change drastically but I was prepared for it (thats why I purposefully didn't try for a baby till I was in my mid 30s and got most of my child free bucket list out of my system first and saved up to go P/T)

Oh also my son slept through the night 8hrs plus from about 4 months of age so that helped on the sanity front. However he is a handful during his waking hours

The newborn bit is the hardest though and I don't know if you plan to breast feed but noone told me how painful it could be so prepare for that, I'm still breastfeeding at 21 months but Christ I don't blame anyone who knocks it on the head, clusterfeeding all night without rest when your tits are red raw with what I suspect was an undiagnosed tongue tie was harrowing, also I couldn't express for shit and when I managed my baby refused the bottle (and dummies!)

I did all of the above on my own though my Mum didn't move up till my son was 16months old so my mat leave was in lockdown and pretty lonely, however I still enjoyed being a Mum for the most part.

I hope you have a mostly positive time of it but don't beat yourself up if you don't it is so different for everyone.

Depends on your own personality and how you were pre-kids. Some babies are more time consuming and needy than others and that can break some people.
I have 6 kids (inc a set of twins), a husband who works away a lot and only have help from my family if I ask for it (a rarity). It's hectic but I love it. I have always been a bit of a lone wolf and am not bothered for going out with friends often, tbh always felt like the back up friend.

@Barrawarra

I think family support is a big thing like you have mentioned. But for me one of the biggest factors is likely to be how we were parented. I found that motherhood brought up a lot for me from my childhood, my relationship with my mother, and the ways that my emotional needs were not met. I’d never found anything so stressful as the first year of my first child’s life - and partly that was a view that my family was great, I knew what I was doing, and the reality was so difference. 6yrs in I can see at lot more clearly how my mum wasn’t able to deal constructively with feeling stressed and angry, and how this impacted my responses to my kids/what stresses me.

Basically you are entering into a huge new attachment relationship, which inevitably pokes your own attachment experiences, many of which you may not be aware of until you become a parent. I’d suspect if you did research, the people who find it blissful had more secure and confident parents who helped them learn about experiencing their negative emotions without repression, to be able to ask for and accept help, to view themselves as basically good and doing their best. And that the tormented had less of those things.

Or, which you’ll find - the blissful may be hiding some of the ugly bits as they are afraid to admit it, or don’t remember. Being in relationship with children can be magical and wonderful but hard at times for everyone, regardless of how secure they are.

Fantastic point - exactly this

I think both opinions can be true depending on the day but my general experience is I love it and think it's the best thing we ever did as a couple. I love being a mum and love watching my husband as a dad. There are days it's hard when you have a 3 year old having a tantrum and a 1 year old screaming for attention but those moments don't last long. I'm sure other would disagree with me but having children is fab.

But also it just depends on how much you except your life to change.

Parental support can be a massive bonus but also a pain in the arse ! Sometimes easier just to do it yourself

Thanks for all your stories and experiences. On the whole people seem to generally have little regrets despite support networks with family/friends just being a massive bonus.
That's very positive to hear.

After 9 months of being told I'll have no sleep I'm certainly prepared on that front haha

Support does make massive difference but I think so does your child. Babies and children are hard work, some more so than others.

Good family support does make a lot of difference and I probably didn't realise until dd was born.

Dd are 10 and 8 and no gp or other relatives ever babysit. We can and do pay for a babysitter occasionally but we've never had a night away without the dc. I did go in with my eyes wide open but you don't always know how it will feel. 10 years is a long time!

I don't think it's about the family support but how you approach being a parent.

My husband and I met when I was 19 and we knew we wanted children from the start. We got married and so started to try from age 25. Had my first eventually at 30. But it's pretty much been The focus of our life. I worked really hard to get a better family friendly job. We bought our house for children. My DH is self employed so takes responsibility for school runs etc which is a choice we made that has been brilliant.

I would rather spend a weekend away with my children than with friends, as yes we have to be parents, but I love being with them.

We don't have family around to babysit so we may go out 1 a year if that.

I don't find parenting a slog, but I do hate housework, laundry etc

I think support, attitude and finances play a big role.