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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU because I dont want to tell work I'm pregnant

102 replies

FreakyDeeky · 02/03/2022 00:08

I'm still in the first trimester and experiencing quite bad pregnancy symptoms. Its resulted in me being late for work on a number occasions. I've told the Hr manager and made him aware, he was fine with it and understanding. I have now on a few occasions been pestered by a senior manager asking me questions about why I'm late. I told my manager that I'd spoken to HR and they were aware with my situation however he kept pestering me to tell him. All this was in the an area where other colleagues and people could overhear the conversation. I refused to tell him anything. I could tell from his expression he hated this lack if power and control. Later on that day I get an email from him saying I was rude.

I wasnt rude I was incredibly professional considering how rude he was. Its stressing me out that I've got to work alongside him knowing that hes being a prick to me unnecessarily.

OP posts:
EdithWeston · 02/03/2022 00:15

I think it's reasonable for someone in your line management (either your direct manager or a more senior one) to know.

Remember they are asking because they are concerned - they have no idea whether something is badly wrong (and you need support), or if you've gone flakey (less concerned about you in these circs, more for effect on rest of the team) or if there are special circumstances (and they need to consider if adjustments should be made).

It's a shane you feel pestered, and this managers communication skills might be all to cock. But the rationale is right,

Viviennemary · 02/03/2022 00:21

Of course a manager has the right to ask an employee why they are late. I don't think being pregnant means you can be late for work. However, you need to go back to HR and let them deal with it.

SC215 · 02/03/2022 00:29

I'd email back and say it's to do with women's problems and HR are aware. 99% chance that will shut him up.

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2022 00:33

Your manager has done nothing wrong except not asking you in private.

Of course they're going to want to know why you're late on a number of occasions, what's the problem with telling them?

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2022 00:34

@SC215

I'd email back and say it's to do with women's problems and HR are aware. 99% chance that will shut him up.
Where are you getting that percentage from?
Notimeforaname · 02/03/2022 00:35

You generally need to tell your boss why you are repeatedly late. Is that not standard?
If you dont want to give the real reason you make one up...

You cant just refuse to communicate with your manager on a time keeping issue.

WholeHog · 02/03/2022 00:40

@Viviennemary

Of course a manager has the right to ask an employee why they are late. I don't think being pregnant means you can be late for work. However, you need to go back to HR and let them deal with it.
Being pregnant doesn't automatically mean you can be late, but if e.g. a woman is suffering intense vomiting bouts in the morning there's a fair chance she is going to be late sometimes, say if you have to wait for the pukes to stop before driving. I've puked while driving on a fast-moving dual carriageway while pregnant and really wouldn't recommend it.

I would generally expect to have to tell a manager in confidence though, and maybe to have to make time up, change shifts, or get a sick note depending on the work.

Dinoteeth · 02/03/2022 00:40

I think you do need to tell your manager.

Someone who is switched on may guess anyway.

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2022 00:43

The major thing you've forgotten to tell us here OP is why you don't want to tell the senior manager? Confused

And also why you see it as 'power and control', rather than just everyday general managing of staff.

ChicCroissant · 02/03/2022 00:44

It does seem unlikely that the manager was annoyed about a lack of 'power and control' when you wouldn't answer the question about being late. Yes, managers will ask if you are repeatedly late.

Do you not get on with this manager, is there some history or backstory that you haven't mentioned (and may not want to on the internet, which I understand). You could ask HR to confirm with the manager directly.

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2022 00:49

Yes but if the OP doesn't want to mention it on the internet @ChicCroissant, there's literally no point in starting this thread.

It makes no sense why the OP won't say something as simple as 'I'm pregnant and experiencing quite bad symptoms that are making me late'.

She's not the first and she won't be the last employee that this has happened to.

SC215 · 02/03/2022 00:54

@WorraLiberty

Didn't mean the 99% to be taken literally. Perhaps I should have made it clearer that it's based on my personal experience that any of my male colleagues tend to shut up and scatter if they hear words like period or menopause.

I wouldn't actually recommend that you do this word for word btw OP, but you do need to communicate with him and say it's something of a personal nature and that HR are aware, if that's how it works in your workplace. What did HR say when you told them?

And for people saying you can't be late when you are pregnant, what about women who get HG?

SC215 · 02/03/2022 00:57

I guess it also depends on what your job is and how/if being late affects other people. Do you let work know if you will be late?

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2022 01:02

[quote SC215]@WorraLiberty

Didn't mean the 99% to be taken literally. Perhaps I should have made it clearer that it's based on my personal experience that any of my male colleagues tend to shut up and scatter if they hear words like period or menopause.

I wouldn't actually recommend that you do this word for word btw OP, but you do need to communicate with him and say it's something of a personal nature and that HR are aware, if that's how it works in your workplace. What did HR say when you told them?

And for people saying you can't be late when you are pregnant, what about women who get HG?[/quote]
OK, perhaps I'm just lucky in the sense that my experience of male managers regarding that sort of thing is different. This could possibly be because I work in the public sector and there's been plenty of training for managers on this, I'm not sure but it's not my experience.

I would expect anyone suffering with something as serious as HG to let their manager know.

The OP has posted and run but I do suspect she has a personal grudge against this manager, due to what she said about 'power and control'.

In reality I suspect they just want to get on with the day to day mundane managing of staff.

DysmalRadius · 02/03/2022 01:07

He must be absolutely thick not to pick up on the implication that if you have already chosen to discuss it with HR and not him, then it's hardly likely to be something you'll feel comfortable taking about in the office!! If he really feels that he should know, then surely approaching you in private would be the very least you'd expect from a manager with a single ounce of diplomacy or common sense.

GlamorousHeifer · 02/03/2022 06:03

Why wouldn't you tell your immediate manager in confidence? Makes your life easier and theirs.
I think you are the one creating a power struggle and enjoying being woe is me about it.

MaverickSnoopy · 02/03/2022 06:08

I don't like that he asked you in front of others, or that he told you you were rude. I think his approach is wrong. I would tell him though. If he has a bee in his bonnet he could decide to make things hard for you. Can I ask why you have want to tell a manager in confidence?

twominutesmore · 02/03/2022 06:13

What's the point of telling HR?

I suppose they could step in if it got to the point of a disciplinary.

But the person who really needs to know, so that they are not on your back about lateness, so that they can make allowances and adjustments as needed, so that they can find cover when you are late, is your line manager.

Being asked why you are suddenly and repeatedly late, by someone who has the job of managing you or your team or your department, is really reasonable.

RoseAndRose · 02/03/2022 06:13

And for people saying you can't be late when you are pregnant, what about women who get HG?

You're allowed time off for pregnancy related illnesses, and they don't count towards main sick leave record.

But that only applies when the pregnancy is declared. OP hasn't declared it to her managers, who therefore don't know why it is occurring, and whether thus is a support or a disciplinary situation.

I think OP is going about this all wrong.

SD1978 · 02/03/2022 06:14

Asking in front of others- not at all reasonable but not telling the person directly responsible for you, why you are repeatedly not at work on time, sounds like pretty juvenile behaviour. I also can't say I'm surprised they are asking why- and to have someone say HR knows, so the person responsible for the teams performance doesn't- is childish. How can they know how to redistribute tasks, if required, if you refuse to communicate.

Tickledtrout · 02/03/2022 06:19

You need to talk to your line managers not HR. HR aren't interested in day to day arrangements for staff. They're not some kind of welfare department

twominutesmore · 02/03/2022 06:19

"All this was in the an area where other colleagues and people could overhear the conversation. I refused to tell him anything."

Where did he ask you? Do you mean he made a loud performance of asking you in front of colleagues, or that he asked you in a place where, potentially, somebody passing might overhear?

I honestly don't know why you are being so clandestine about it. It is not how people usually tell their employer about their pregnancy. You say he has 'pestered you several times' so of course he is both curious and concerned. Why didn't you just ask to talk somewhere more private?

twominutesmore · 02/03/2022 06:20

You don't have to share the news if your pregnancy with anyone of course, but it is sensible to do so if you want special treatment such as coming in late unchallenged.

Moody123 · 02/03/2022 06:24

I would tell your manager in confidence ... he maybe shouldn't have asked you in front of other people, but he may have just expected you to say car troubles or such... maybe instead of saying I have spoken to HR... say could I have a word in private ? Your manager should know , if your expecting to go to work into unchallenged

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 02/03/2022 06:27

There’s clearly a massive back story with this magnet that you aren’t choosing to share - the comment about power and control is just bizarre otherwise. Of course he has the right to ask why you are late and of course he has the right to repeatedly ask if you refuse to tell him! He’s your manager ! From his perspective, you’re currently just choosing to rock up to work when you feel ready because 🤷🏼‍♀️