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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU because I dont want to tell work I'm pregnant

102 replies

FreakyDeeky · 02/03/2022 00:08

I'm still in the first trimester and experiencing quite bad pregnancy symptoms. Its resulted in me being late for work on a number occasions. I've told the Hr manager and made him aware, he was fine with it and understanding. I have now on a few occasions been pestered by a senior manager asking me questions about why I'm late. I told my manager that I'd spoken to HR and they were aware with my situation however he kept pestering me to tell him. All this was in the an area where other colleagues and people could overhear the conversation. I refused to tell him anything. I could tell from his expression he hated this lack if power and control. Later on that day I get an email from him saying I was rude.

I wasnt rude I was incredibly professional considering how rude he was. Its stressing me out that I've got to work alongside him knowing that hes being a prick to me unnecessarily.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/03/2022 07:49

I think you need to call if you're going to be late, and apologise when you get in. Regardless of the reasons why, at least have a bit of courtesy.

Dinoteeth · 02/03/2022 07:51

That's a very good point about doing a risk assessment. Depending on your workplace that could be really important.

Womencanlift · 02/03/2022 07:54

Do you work in a small company OP? That’s the only reason I can think of where you would get away with telling HR and not your manager

Any company I worked in HR would advise you to tell your line manager as they are the person who can support you, not HR. But then I have worked in large organisations

I do think you are being unreasonable to say it’s a ‘power and control’ thing with your manager. If you are suddenly late or not performing then that is an issue that not only your manger will have noticed but something they have to deal with. With no context of your pregnancy they will just think you are a liability, underperforming etc and will manage you accordingly - nothing to do with them being power hungry

obstacalling · 02/03/2022 08:01

Just ask for a meeting and tell him in confidence

Then he will leave you alone

CarelessWhisper001 · 02/03/2022 08:04

I'm not sure how I feel about all these responses...

I was incredibly lucky that I could work from home fortunately when I had severe morning sickness for the first 18 weeks. I was able to have privacy and puke whilst also being able to continue with my job as normal. I would have hated to be in environment where this wasn't possible.

I didn't tell my manager about my pregnancy until it was required. I gave them 12 weeks notice before Mat Leave was due to commence, the same notice they would have had if I were to leave the company for good.

Not all managers read the managers handbook - I didn't feel mine would be able to keep my pregnancy confidential and I didn't want to be quizzed about my pregnancy early on, having not recovered mentally from previous MC (also didn't tell work about MC). I work in a male dominated industry and maternity discrimation is also most definitely a thing.

Cheekypeach · 02/03/2022 08:05

Why are people on MN suddenly so allergic to telling their employer they’re pregnant? Despite expecting time off for pregnancy related reasons etc? I would say the power trip is more with you OP if I’m honest

Iliketeaagain · 02/03/2022 08:12

He's not being a prick unnecessarily.
A member of his team is being late for work and he doesn't know why. He needs to address it (yes he could have done it better and had a word in private rather than mention your lateness in front of every one).

Shocker - line managers are allowed to line manage and that includes expecting staff to be at work on time unless agreed otherwise (not with HR who don't manage a service or have to make sure work is done).

Where I work, HR would have told you to tell your line manager - because there is a service to manage and risk assessments that need to be done. You can't complain about not getting adjustments because you're pregnant if your line manager has no idea that's the case. For now, all it looks like is that you can't be bothered getting to work on time.

Lalliella · 02/03/2022 08:12

Is he your direct manager? You should tell him. And tell him to keep it a secret.

HappyDays40 · 02/03/2022 08:15

Your line manager has a right to know why you are late. Aside from your welfare they presumably have to manage others whonthis may have a knock on affect for. It can't be helped on your part if you are sick but the manager has a right to know.

Hesma · 02/03/2022 08:15

YABVU by not telling your line manager and expecting him to accept your tardiness. He didn’t approach it well but that situation wouldn’t have arisen if you’d told him in confidence initially

Yerroblemom1923 · 02/03/2022 08:17

Just tell him and let him know privately and that you want it kept confidential for now.
I'm guessing OP is just waiting for the 12 wk scan before making it "official", that's what most women do. Most colleagues had guessed anyway before I rocked up with my scan photos!

RampantIvy · 02/03/2022 08:52

It is rude and inconsiderate to not tell your manager. The manager was wrong to ask in front of other people, but being late all the time for no apparent reason is a disciplinary offence. Someone I worked with was sacked for persistent lateness.

You aren't doing yourself any favours by not informing your manager. I had a high risk pregnancy and didn't want to tell anyone, but I needed some sick leave so I had to tell my manager (who was fabulous) and discreet.

ittakes2 · 02/03/2022 08:58

Sorry very weird you think its OK to be late to work a few times and don't think your manager has a right to know why! Congrats on your pregnancy.

SartresSoul · 02/03/2022 09:05

Not sure why you’re so adverse to telling him, it would save lots of hassle.

Babadook76 · 02/03/2022 09:10

@20viona

Being pregnant doesn't entitle you to be late and not share your reasoning with a manager. I'm pregnant too and i wouldn't dream of it.
This. I had bone crushing fatigue in all of my pregnancy’s on top of bad morning sickness, spd and very low blood pressure, but when it comes to work you’re either well enough to go in or you’re not. You can’t be late all of the time. I struggled to get out of bed every morning and had extreme nausea for the first 20-30 minutes where I couldn’t really do anything. I got over this by getting up an hour earlier every day so I was over the worst of it by the time I had to go to work. I do work similar to a district nurse where I do home visits with time critical patients, being late is not an option.
JohnLapsleyParlabane · 02/03/2022 09:10

Can I ask you to clarify the hierarchy here?
Is the senior manager who wants to know why you're late either your line manager or someone with a vested interest in making sure your work is done (ie would have to redeploy his own team to cover your lateness)?
Because you're getting jumped on here and if he just wants to know because he's 'senior' and has no relevant business need to know, then yes I agree with you. If he does have a business need to know then that's different.

housemaus · 02/03/2022 09:12

"power and control"

It's not me exerting power and control to want to know why my employees (and especially my direct reports) aren't on time for work repeatedly - I have a duty to make sure my team runs effectively, and that includes redistributing work if one person is going to be late a lot, making adjustments if someone needs it, etc. I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

girlmom21 · 02/03/2022 09:14

OP won't be back. She wanted everyone to agree it was about power and control because he's a man.

runsmidgeOMG · 02/03/2022 09:26

@girlmom21

OP won't be back. She wanted everyone to agree it was about power and control because he's a man.
This
mummykel16 · 02/03/2022 09:55

Based on your opening remarks I can we'll see why a male manager wouldn't ask you in private.

username1293948 · 02/03/2022 10:00

I think if it’s causing you to be late and impacting his line of work then you need to tell him.

Pedalpushers · 02/03/2022 10:45

It isn't really within the HR remit to allow you to be late, it's your line managers. HR are there to provide your line manager with the appropriate company policies to support you and make sure procedure is followed.

Associatepeggy · 02/03/2022 10:49

Theres been some real batshit pregnancy/mat leave related threads lately. Where the op is clearly, making their own lives difficult. Seemingly, under the assumption they can do what they want cause.....pregnant.

Like the one who told her employer that she wanted to drop hours and seniority. And was surprised when hee wage was going to be lower. She believed she could go on Mat leave as a senior member of staff, come back as admin but keep the senior staff wage. Even though it was her at her request. And then when the company gave her 3 options at vary levels, to return to. She still wasn't happy.

All very strange.

SarahProblem · 02/03/2022 10:50

Your comment about him not liking having the 'power' suggests there's more at play here than you've said OP.

Telling HR doesn't do anything. YABU

Why don't you want your manager to know? As a manager - how can I support someone in my team if they don't tell me what's going on?

LuaDipa · 02/03/2022 10:53

[quote SC215]@WorraLiberty

Didn't mean the 99% to be taken literally. Perhaps I should have made it clearer that it's based on my personal experience that any of my male colleagues tend to shut up and scatter if they hear words like period or menopause.

I wouldn't actually recommend that you do this word for word btw OP, but you do need to communicate with him and say it's something of a personal nature and that HR are aware, if that's how it works in your workplace. What did HR say when you told them?

And for people saying you can't be late when you are pregnant, what about women who get HG?[/quote]
How can the manager be expected to make allowances for anything when he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on?

I can’t understand why you didn’t tell him instead of or at least as well as HR.