AIBU because I dont want to tell work I'm pregnant

[FreakyDeeky]

I'm still in the first trimester and experiencing quite bad pregnancy symptoms. Its resulted in me being late for work on a number occasions. I've told the Hr manager and made him aware, he was fine with it and understanding. I have now on a few occasions been pestered by a senior manager asking me questions about why I'm late. I told my manager that I'd spoken to HR and they were aware with my situation however he kept pestering me to tell him. All this was in the an area where other colleagues and people could overhear the conversation. I refused to tell him anything. I could tell from his expression he hated this lack if power and control. Later on that day I get an email from him saying I was rude.

I wasnt rude I was incredibly professional considering how rude he was. Its stressing me out that I've got to work alongside him knowing that hes being a prick to me unnecessarily.

Informing HR rather than your line manager wasn’t appropriate unless you have reasons to fear sex discrimination.

The senior manager should have spoken to you privately.

If you want / need adjustments made like an ad hoc later start, your manager needs to understand the reason.

@twominutesmore

You don't have to share the news if your pregnancy with anyone of course, but it is sensible to do so if you want special treatment such as coming in late unchallenged.

This. If you want special concessions from your manager as a result of your pregnancy, you need to actually tell your manager you're pregnant. I can well believe you were rude.

YANBU and I'm shocked by some of the replies on here. In your first tri I assume you havent told close friends and family yet, and of course you have a right to privacy and may wish to wait for your scan!
I would just ignore some of these posts and ignore your manager for now - it will resolve itself in time - just look after yourself x

If your pregnancy is affecting your work (which it is if you’re late) I would say it’s best to explain to your manager.

One of the first people I told was my Head because she is the one who signs off leave requests and I needed her to know why I might have to dash out of my classroom quickly or having regular appointments.

Why are you happy for hr to know but not your manager? Id expect to tell your manager because presumably they are the ones that need to cover for yoi. He should ask you privately though

Your manager should have asked in private but if your pregnancy is affecting how you do your job, including being late, it's appropriate that they know. It's also better for you as they should then be able to support, put in a plan if you are struggling etc.

Being pregnant doesn't entitle you to be late and not share your reasoning with a manager. I'm pregnant too and i wouldn't dream of it.

You're acting unprofessional to be late and not explain to your manager. It's not on HR to tell him, you're an adult. If you're going to be late you need to at least give a reason why.

You are going about this all wrong. Its a managers job to pick up on lateness. If they don't, it has a ripple effect.

You can't just expect your line manager to ignore your lateness because 'HR said so' and if HR do speak to him, it will be on ious anyway.

Expecting you manager to just accept you are late on several occasions is just asking to cause trouble.

I am glad I don't manage you... But hope your pregnancy experience improves

You need to start opening the lines of communication with your manager, otherwise your pregnancy, maternity leave and return to work could be a lot more stressful than it needs to be. Your manager is the first port of call for all of that, and you are already keeping him in the dark.

There's a couple of things here - being pregnant isn't a reason to be late, feeling unwell is (if pregnancy is the reason that's not the point it the sick bit). If you want special consideration for being late due to morning sickness you need to tell your manager

You are making life so much harder than it needs to be.

You should tell your line manager and be keeping open lines of communication.

They need to be able to balance their business needs against your health/employment rights.

You are setting yourself up for a stressful time otherwise

@Cantgetausername87

YANBU and I'm shocked by some of the replies on here. In your first tri I assume you havent told close friends and family yet, and of course you have a right to privacy and may wish to wait for your scan! I would just ignore some of these posts and ignore your manager for now - it will resolve itself in time - just look after yourself x

But she's already told HR.

And privacy is one thing, but you can't keep your pregnancy from your manager and then expect them to just put up with you being late to work everyday

Your manager absolutely should have more common sense, diplomacy and tact to take you aside and speak to you about it in private.

But I agree with PP’s he should be entitled to at least some sort of a reasonable explanation as to your lateness etc so he can manage and plan ahead.

Creating a power struggle won’t do any good in long term. I’d say take in aside, explain situstion and make it clear to him that you expect it to be kept in strict confidence until you are ready to let people know / formally inform work of your intent to take Mat leave etc - which you will have to do later.

and ask him to please work with you to manage the situation in the meantime until you’re feeling better - which you will hopefully do soon..

I think a conversation in private would have been appropriate, not in public and hearing of others.

@Cantgetausername87

YANBU and I'm shocked by some of the replies on here. In your first tri I assume you havent told close friends and family yet, and of course you have a right to privacy and may wish to wait for your scan! I would just ignore some of these posts and ignore your manager for now - it will resolve itself in time - just look after yourself x

This is terrible advice! You don’t tell your line manager in the same way you tell family and friends, she’s not going to send an all-company email with a scan shot – it’s about telling them something medical that can affect performance and behaviour, such as being late all the time because she’s puking. People don’t tend to tell family and friends before 12 weeks because of the risk of miscarriage, which is a weird societal thing in itself because ideally family and friends can offer emotional support, but telling work is different – it’s bloody useful for them to know if you’re miscarrying because again, you might want sick leave without it counting towards your record.

OP is being a bit bonkers here and I suspect has other issues with this manager.

You should really tell him.

I told my work as soon as I found out I was pregnant. There was things I could and couldn't do so I had to make them aware.

I think you need to tell them and perhaps ask for different hours if the early mornings are difficult. If they are the manager he is correct to ask you about time keeping- for all they know you could be sitting at home watching TV! You have to see it from their perspective and those who you work with. Also they won’t care about the actual pregnancy itself, they will have seen it all before.

@EdithWeston

I think it's reasonable for someone in your line management (either your direct manager or a more senior one) to know.

Remember they are asking because they are concerned - they have no idea whether something is badly wrong (and you need support), or if you've gone flakey (less concerned about you in these circs, more for effect on rest of the team) or if there are special circumstances (and they need to consider if adjustments should be made).

It's a shane you feel pestered, and this managers communication skills might be all to cock. But the rationale is right,

This. You don't need to make it common knowledge, but your line manager is concerned and they need enough information to work with. Without this information they have nothing and it will frustrate things and the communication/professional relationship between you may start to break down. I know HR are aware but they are not managing the department/team so yes they have your backside here but not telling your manager is starting to cause an issue and the only way to resolve it is to include them in the loop. If its causing you to be late but you dont want people to know just tell the people that need to know so it can be managed well.

@Cantgetausername87

YANBU and I'm shocked by some of the replies on here. In your first tri I assume you havent told close friends and family yet, and of course you have a right to privacy and may wish to wait for your scan! I would just ignore some of these posts and ignore your manager for now - it will resolve itself in time - just look after yourself x

Telling your boss is totally different to telling family and friends. The minute he goes to start disciplinary proceedings HR will tell him anyway.

People often keep it quiet from family for MC reasons but if she did MC her boss would expect a reasons for her absence anyway.

It's not unusual for a line manager to hold confidential information on the people who work for them.

While it's easy to keep a pregnancy quiet from people you see once or twice a week it's not so easy to keep it quiet from the people who are with you all day 5 days a week. I was rumbled at 7 weeks, I've rumbled a colleague at 8 wks. My friend asked her colleague- could she be pregnant- the colleague went out at lunchtime to buy a test.

I would email him and let him know that you are pregnant, want to keep it to yourself for the time being and felt put on the spot by the fact he was challenging you in a public place, hence the reason you did not disclose, rather than any attempt to be rude or obstructive.

You can't just decide you're not telling a manager the reason why you're repeatedly late at work. Not if you want to keep your job.

His fault was that he didn't ask you in private. It's his job to ask questions if suddenly an employee behaves differently.

I had issues in the first trimester, causing me to be at work over an hour earlier than expected as I needed to travel with DH to do it safely. I told my line manager straight away why (his wife just had baby no. 2 and I knew he would be understanding) and HR. Nobody else until I had my 12 week scan.

I don't think it's a big issue and most line managers should be sympathetic to this.

I don't think you can expect your manager to make allowances for your pregnancy if you don't tell him you're pregnant.

Your manager must not tell anyone else without your consent, so it isn't tantamount to an announcement at work.

Your manager should also be doing a risk assessment with you - particularly important when we are still in the midst of Covid - so I would suggest you book a meeting to tell him privately and start the ball rolling for all the official support you are entitled to, to be put in place.