AIBU because I dont want to tell work I'm pregnant

[FreakyDeeky]

I'm still in the first trimester and experiencing quite bad pregnancy symptoms. Its resulted in me being late for work on a number occasions. I've told the Hr manager and made him aware, he was fine with it and understanding. I have now on a few occasions been pestered by a senior manager asking me questions about why I'm late. I told my manager that I'd spoken to HR and they were aware with my situation however he kept pestering me to tell him. All this was in the an area where other colleagues and people could overhear the conversation. I refused to tell him anything. I could tell from his expression he hated this lack if power and control. Later on that day I get an email from him saying I was rude.

I wasnt rude I was incredibly professional considering how rude he was. Its stressing me out that I've got to work alongside him knowing that hes being a prick to me unnecessarily.

At the end of the day it boils down to "If you don't tell your manager you're pregnant then you can't expect your manager to make allowances because you're pregnant"

Telling HR where I work would mean they would tell your line manager anyway (as they would be required to do H&S risk assessments and for some roles people would immediately have to be redeployed) though they would recommend that you tell them yourself so you can directly schedule a sit down meeting to discuss the risk assessments/reasonable adjustments etc.

Never heard of someone telling hr but refusing point blank to tell their manager, why would you not once you’ve informed hr?

So I assume your manager will go to hr to raise concerns about one of his staff and they’ll tell him anyway

Why can’t they know?

Why did you not apologise and explain directly to your manager?
I'm not surprised that they are annoyed with you.
Try not to be so precious about your pregnancy.

How can the manager be expected to make allowances for anything when he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on?

That's it exactly, people generally do understand, and a manager has a duty to keep medical matters confidential too.

Forward his email to HR and ask them to deal with it.

@DameHelena

Forward his email to HR and ask them to deal with it.

They will deal with it by telling him. HR don't have to keep or to themselves. They can tell people who need to.....like the manager.

@DameHelena

Forward his email to HR and ask them to deal with it.

Terrible advice.

OP is an adult and a professional.

Why would you tell HR but not your manager? It’s your manager who needs to know so that reasonable adjustments like coming in late can be put in place for you. HR can’t put that in place - or did you expect them to tell him? He shouldn’t have pressed you in public about it but of course it was reasonable to ask.

I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant, including my manager, until 16 weeks because I didn’t want to, but I didn’t need any reasonable adjustments. If I had needed them, I’d have had to tell my manager.

@Cantgetausername87

YANBU and I'm shocked by some of the replies on here. In your first tri I assume you havent told close friends and family yet, and of course you have a right to privacy and may wish to wait for your scan! I would just ignore some of these posts and ignore your manager for now - it will resolve itself in time - just look after yourself x

OP certainly has the right to privacy but she can't then expect to come to work late and not be challenged on it. A manager's job is to manage staff so it's completely appropriate for them to challenge the OP. The manager wouldn't be doing their job if they ignored the OP and let it go. The organisation would be furious and would no doubt be following up with the manager on why this is occuring.

Going to HR seems odd. Do they have direct authority over this? It strikes me as getting around your manager when adjustments should be discussed with them. YABU.

YABVU. If you are consistently late, your manager has a right to know. If you don't want him to know the details, part of the conversation with HR should have been a request that they proactively interact with your manager to explain that for personal reasons, that HR accepts, you may be late on occasions and that they are on top of the issue and there are no concerns.

Whether your manager is a lovely person or a complete dickhead, doesn't change the fact that he has every right to assume that you will be on time nd that if you're not someone will give him some kind of answer.

Why is it terrible advice?
HR will (or should) know how to tell the manager to essentially back off because the OP has valid reasons for being late that she's not willing to share with the manager for now.
Plus he's sent her a rather bullying email, which I personally would want HR to know about if it were me on the end of it.

@DameHelena

Why is it terrible advice? HR will (or should) know how to tell the manager to essentially back off because the OP has valid reasons for being late that she's not willing to share with the manager for now. Plus he's sent her a rather bullying email, which I personally would want HR to know about if it were me on the end of it.

No. They won't. They will tell him exactly why.

No HR at any company I have worked for would cut the manager out. Nor do they have the power to just say 'X can be late because we say so'.

And op is an adult. If she wants him to consider her pregnancy. Then she needs ro tell him. Like a grown up.

@DameHelena

Why is it terrible advice? HR will (or should) know how to tell the manager to essentially back off because the OP has valid reasons for being late that she's not willing to share with the manager for now. Plus he's sent her a rather bullying email, which I personally would want HR to know about if it were me on the end of it.

Oh and also, we dont know if the email was bullying. It said she was rude. Which may be factual and we don't know how it was worded.

I agree HR will tell him exactly why, they know, so the company, then has a legal obligation to carryout a risk assessment. Which could involve stuff like chairs, a desk assessment, and chemicals in the workplace, heavy lifting, even dispensation to use disabled parking bays, or the lift ( I worked somewhere where the lift was visitors only)

Hearing it second hand in turn makes the Op look bad.

@Cantgetausername87

YANBU and I'm shocked by some of the replies on here. In your first tri I assume you havent told close friends and family yet, and of course you have a right to privacy and may wish to wait for your scan! I would just ignore some of these posts and ignore your manager for now - it will resolve itself in time - just look after yourself x

I didn’t tell my work until I was 16 weeks after having a miscarriage at 13 weeks with my previous pregnancy. How we she told HR so it isn’t that she doesn’t want to tell anyone. For some reason she’s told HR but not her line manager.

It is important to let your work know so they can do a risk assessment. They can make your life so much easier if you are struggling with nausea or other pregnancy related issues.

OP certainly has the right to privacy but she can't then expect to come to work late and not be challenged on it. A manager's job is to manage staff so it's completely appropriate for them to challenge the OP. The manager wouldn't be doing their job if they ignored the OP and let it go. The organisation would be furious and would no doubt be following up with the manager on why this is occuring.

Exactly.

If someone who has previously been on time starts turning up late, then a manager has every right to ask questions and find out why. You do not need to tell him the exact reason just explain you are having medical issues or however you want to phrase it and job done.

If someone begins being late it can be a sign they are being bullied at work, are struggling to cope inside or outside of work etc and that is information a manager needs to know.

It might not be ideal but you need to tell your manager.

I had to tell senior people in work before 5 weeks - I couldn't get into work on time because of sickness and nausea, and had to leave work early a few times.

If someone begins being late it can be a sign they are being bullied at work, are struggling to cope inside or outside of work etc and that is information a manager needs to know.

Yip
Another 2+2=5 could be concluding substance or alcohol abuses.
Your work doesn't have a random D&A testing policy?

At the end of the day it boils down to "If you don't tell your manager you're pregnant then you can't expect your manager to make allowances because you're pregnant"

^^this. He was BU to ask you in front of other people but you were BU to refuse to explain your lateness.

This is such a typically frustrating thread where the OP posts expecting universal validation and sympathy and - when she doesn’t get it - completely vanishes. Why bother starting a thread that you don’t engage with?

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

This is such a typically frustrating thread where the OP posts expecting universal validation and sympathy and - when she doesn’t get it - completely vanishes. Why bother starting a thread that you don’t engage with?

I don't think we can really know what OP thinks, given that they haven't been back and aren't posting on any other threads either

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

This is such a typically frustrating thread where the OP posts expecting universal validation and sympathy and - when she doesn’t get it - completely vanishes. Why bother starting a thread that you don’t engage with?

Happens a lot on MN. Don't get the replies they want, they simply vanish and I assume hide the thread. Better than getting it taken down for 'privacy' reasons. That happens a lot.

Why didn’t you just say ‘can we arrange a time to discuss this in private, away from other team members and I’ll tell you then?’ Would have been so much easier. Then if he’d have continued to pester, you’d have come off as the reasonable one for offering a solution.