DP eating everyone else's snacks

[DonnyBurrito]

DP has a habit of eating other people's snacks. To be honest he doesn't respect that things can belong to other people in general, and feels entitled to use/borrow other people's stuff until it's either broke, lost or damaged because he's held onto it for so long, or used it well past it's shelf life. That kind of stuff is a bit of a pattern, although it's more infrequent than his snack theft.

He has habit of eating a full pack of biscuits, then rooting around in the cupboard for mine or his daughters snacks/sweets and then eating them, too. I don't eat a full bar of chocolate or pack of biscuits in one sitting like him, I tend to just have a bit here and there when I really fancy it. His daughter is only here at weekend and she isn't allowed to scoff entire packs of haribo anyway, but when she comes back the next weekend all of her sweets will have been eaten. He ate all her Christmas chocolate, too. He said it's too hard not to eat everyone else's stuff when it's just sitting there in the cupboard...

So anyway, last night I went to the shop and treated myself to a bar of chocolate, and bought him some of those chocolate pretzels. He finished his pretzels almost immediately, and then asked me if he could have a strip of my chocolate. I said no (because once I give him a bit of whatever I have he decides we are sharing the whole thing and eats at least half of it, when I actually didn't want to share the whole thing or at all). I said no anyway, and then went to bed.

Came downstairs this morning, he'd opened my bar of chocolate and had a couple of strips off it. I was SO ANNOYED. I decided to find something of his that he enjoys and would look forward to, and just chuck it away. Obviously there was nothing in the cupboards or fridge of his cause he eats everything straight away!

So I threw his pack of cigs away. He's been trying to quit smoking, but occasionally has one in the garage late at night here and there. He's promised not to buy any, and hasn't for quite a while (mainly because he can't afford to), but his friend gave him half a pack a few days ago. The bin men were coming this morning so I fed them to the wheelie bin. He has noticed, but he thinks I've just thrown them away to help him quit. Decided not to come clean about the actual reason I chucked his cigs away, and kept my petty revenge secret.

Do I need to chill out about this? Or would you be annoyed at this constant snack thievery?

@yoyobaby

Omg. You're literally living my life.

This is literally my DP and he honestly can't help himself. I've just had a go at mine because he's finished two wings that I was saving to have for my dinner🙃 the problem with mine is, it isn't just snacks. It's food in GENERAL. Anything that's there and not his, he'll eat. I genuinely think he's conflicted and once he has his eyes on something he has no self control.

DP has eaten/finished Doritos that I've been saving for the next day. He'll drink my drink that I've left on the table and said the reason he's done it because he's thought I had enough??? The other day I woke up and a WHOLE DOUBLE PACK of custard creams were completely gone. I had 4 out of the whole thing. I can literally go on forever. To make it worse, I'm heavily pregnant and this guy still has no mercy and will still finish my food. Like yours, he'll always replace it but fucking hell why can't they get a grip and stop acting like a 5 year old

This is literally my DP and he honestly can't help himself.

So he steals food from colleagues at work?

He steals food from other people's houses when he visits?

*Greedy fucker.

He's selfish*

Absolutely. He's a joke

This is literally my DP and he honestly can't help himself.
*
So he steals food from colleagues at work?

He steals food from other people's houses when he visits?*

He'll definitely be at a family member's or friend's house and just start eating like he paid for the shopping

@NoOtherShadeOfBlue

I wish people wouldn't speculate that he has an eating disorder. I have suffered from binge eating issues for my whole life and I never steal other people's food. Bingeing is a shameful, secret activity for people with a disordered approach to food. It isn't a greedy, selfish behaviour. If I am going to binge I go out and buy the food for it - in the past, I've gone to different shops so I don't worry the cashier will judge me for how much I'm buying. I wouldn't take it from the cupboards where it would be missed. Yes, it's an overwhelming compulsion but I'd no more help myself to the children's Easter eggs than I would start ripping off the wrappers in Tesco and stuffing it all down in the aisle. I know their chocolate is off limits and however bad the urge was, I wouldn't take it from them. This kind of behaviour isn't an eating disorder, it's not giving a fuck about other people.

I don't have an eating disorder but what you said sounds absolutely right @NoOtherShadeOfBlue.

It sounds like he has a compulsion to consume other people's things - not just food but it's the borrowing and breaking things - anything that belongs exclusively to them or should be shared.

Why does he want other people's things? It's not hunger or even a weakness for tasty snacks. It is a compulsion to take things from them.

I don't know what the answer is. If you restrict the treats you just hurt yourself and the sensible members of the family. Putting locks on the cupboards is not normal behaviour.

And the answer is definitely not to avoid snacks like some po-faced people have said as if you should treat it as some kind of healthy eating regime. People on Mumsnet always trot that one out What a fucking miserable life if you can't have a bar of chocolate?

You can't destroy their things like the cigarettes because they'll just go out and buy more without a backward glance and then you're double into the money. It's like an arms race you will never win because you care and they don't.

You can try to teach them not to be like this if you love them but it's a slog. If I had children an adult would not be worth the effort.

@00100001

Lockable tuck boxes

The first post literally solves this entire problem....

Could be as yet undiagnosed ASD. I am not saying that all ASD steal food, but some do have an inordinate interest in eating, just like my 16 year old nephew. He is a lot better now, but if given choices he could take half an hour to decide, and at one stage would eat everything that wasn't nailed down!

Doing it in secret isn’t a requirement for an eating disorder. He’s extremely picky, has restricted intake, eats only certain items/ brands and binges on sweet snacks. He also has an addiction to cigarettes which can be used to limit appetite/ control emotions.
Nobody is diagnosing him but he does have some of the main symptoms so it needs consideration. It’s not diminishing anyone else’s struggles, eating disorders should be thought of as shameful, probably quite a lot of people suffer to some degree

@Rosebel

I'm really surprised how many people have separate treat /snacks. I buy and anyone can eat it. They know once it's gone that's it until shopping day. I really couldn't be bothered with this is yours, that's mine, that's for DD1 etc. All gets put in together. Much simpler. Obviously it would be annoying with a husband who scoffed it all but he does that anyway so what's the difference?

Eh? Are you being willfully obtuse here? Can you not understand that if all treats are ostensibly for everyone then OP and her DSD will get nothing whilst her greedy DP will get all of them?

I'm far from anti-man but a lot of men are like it. They think it's a charming little foible. Some women indulge them like "Ooh! My husband ate a whole litre of Ben and Jerry's while watching the telly in the middle of the night. He can't help himself."

Bollocks. I don't care how much ice cream gets eaten but when I go to the freezer for a couple of scoops I expect some to be left rather than to have to put on my fucking coat and get some more from fucking Tesco by which time I'll be so fucking angry I'll have lost my appetite.

Is he anxious because of trying to quit smoking? Compensating with snacks?

Do look/hide the snacks. But it looks like he is anxious

Hypnotherapy helped a colleague quick smoking

I think I'm like this to be honest. I live alone, but if I snack I eat the whole thing. I buy something when I want to eat and eat it. I can't really have them in the house just sitting there and I SO admire you for eating less than a bar of chocolate. I don't think many people have so much self-control.

The rage decider for me would be: is this person ever replacing the snacks? Do they do the shopping too and fetch stuff in? Do they pick up everyone's favourites from time to time being thoughtful?

I feel for all these people that seem to be tirelessly going out and buying nice stuff for their zombie men and never having anyone do the same back, let alone the zombies replacing what they've stolen.

I could be more forgiving of someone who usually made an effort to replace, even though it's a selfish act if done regularly.

I'm really surprised how many people have separate treat /snacks. I buy and anyone can eat it. They know once it's gone that's it until shopping day. I really couldn't be bothered with this is yours, that's mine, that's for DD1 etc. All gets put in together. Much simpler.

This response, repeated in various formats throughout this thread, really misses the point. The point is that no one else in the OP's family EVER gets a look in. Because he eats them all, before they've even had a chance to think about it.

And yes, it is a form of disordered eating. BIL not only eats all the snacks, but he will wander into the kitchen and, seeing a packet of mince in the fridge, will turn it into a lunch time meal for himself, not ONCE considering that it might actually be there to make bolognaise for dinner..... (for the entire family). I notice that he often refuses food at our house. I think it' because he knows if he eats here, he won't be able to stop. There have been a few times where I've served a meal then gone upstairs to bath the kids, only to discover any left overs are gone and DH will tell me that he realised BIL was basically eating them and picking at them.

@me4real

lock boxes aren’t really a solution

@MeSanniesareBrannies It works.

How, though? It doesn’t tackle the issue, which is the disrespect and disregard for others. It’s not about the snacks. It’s about recognising that he needs to give a shit about other people.

Oh god the willfull misunderstanding of this kind of thing is one of the hugely irritating things about MN

All the cool with it wide-eyed "i don't get the concept of personal snacks" or "just don't buy any snacks" or "buy more snacks" can get in the sea. Cool if that's how you are.

But: just buy more? not everyone can afford it (plus he'll just eat all them too)
don't buy any? no. If i want a rich tea biscuit with a cup of tea while I'm breastfeeding and some selfish bastard has eaten them all? again? after conversations about it? I would seriously consider a relationship with a twat like that. And i would be insisting, on repeat, that he went out to get some until i was sitting there with a cup of tea and a biscuit.

The rule in our house? You don't take the last of anything without checking. Applies doubly if you've already eaten quite a lot of them.

If you let your kids hoover up all the snacks and don't make any comment, you're just bringing up the next generation of selfish fuckers.

This is me, if there's nice food in the house I'll eat it, whoever it "belongs" to. It's a compulsion. And not something you can just stop. It's an eating disorder .

Do you get that people get upset about this? What's your reaction to when they complain?

I guess it's very fair to say that other people's experience of binge eating disorder is different to mine - I know that for me, the worst thing would be to be discovered and for someone else to know about a binge, hence I would never take someone else's food and assumed this guy was just selfish and inconsiderate. Maybe some sufferers don't feel the same need to hide it. Maybe female sufferers feel more shame attached to the idea of being seen as greedy and so are more likely to be secretive about it.

YABU for thinking rich tea biscuits are something to look forward to. Rich tea are punishment biscuits.

Other than that, your husband sounds like a pain in the arse and I'd either be storing my snacks in my bedside table so that it was patently obvious they weren't for general consumption or I'd start going out for my treats. Men are ridiculous.

I'd be sooooo pissed off that he ate his own daughters Christmas chocolate. That's a horrible thing to do. He's a grown man he should be able to control himself.

It may sound OTT to others, but for children who live in two households, these things matter. They need to feel that both homes are safe snd theirs. It's little things like not being able to trust that your stuff will still be their that will cause anxiety.

@midlifecrash

Lockable TRANSPARENT tuck boxes so he can see what’s inside but NOT HAVE ANY

Oh this is good…

Make him do the food shopping.

Think about what he is teaching his daughter.
She has to either stuff herself stupid with all her food or otherwise it won’t be there next week.

Gross.

My people!

Dh will ask me to buy a snack he likes such as chocolate raisins or hot cross buns, neither of which I like. I'll also buy a bar of chocolate which I do like. Guess which he will go for first? So he has snacks left and I have none. Grrr.

Lack of self control and a massive sweet tooth. You need to act annoyed at him every time.

Would it be useful to create three shoe boxes with names on that you put a fair share of snacks in each?

He gets his share but then if he wants more he will have to actively go and take it out of someone else's named box?

No extra cost but might at least nudge him a bit to think a tiny bit more before he takes someone else's, if it's labelled as such.

YABU for thinking rich tea biscuits are something to look forward to. Rich tea are punishment biscuits.

True!🤣