Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change my mind about taking MIL's cat?

96 replies

StAgur · 28/02/2022 07:29

I lost my MIL a few weeks ago, 15 months to the day after DH died. She was just a few weeks short of 90 and had a full and interesting life. I loved her very much.

MIL had a cat, now about 10+ years, whom she adored. The cat has been an indoor cat, although had access to a balcony/patio area (London) and was the only pet. He was originally meant to be for my niece, which was fine when she was a child, but she is now an adult, away at university, so cannot take the cat.

I said to my DD that I would not want the cat to end up in a cat's home, and that we should take him rather than that happen, although it wouldn't be ideal to have him. We already have a cat, who is an outdoor cat, and a dog, who is fine with the cat he has always known, but I worry how he would take to another cat, and also how the existing cat would react.

Anyway, following my conversation with DD, who adores animals and who loves MIL's cat, she told SIL that we would take the cat. SIL said she was very relieved, as the cat has been a source of worry, and she is fearful of taking him herself, as her flat is on the 12th floor and she is afraid that the cat may get over the balcony.

So I feel that I have been put into a position where I should take MIL's cat, and I also feel that this is the last thing which I can do for her. I told SIL that I would take the cat for a trial period, to see how it works out. I also told her of my concerns, especially as he would need to transition to being an outdoor cat, and that I was really worried that something could happen to him 'on my watch', as there is a busy road nearby. SIL said she understood the risks, but still seemed keen for us to have him.

However, the more I think about it, the more concerned I am. I don't want to let SIL - or MIL - down over this, but I am anxious that it won't work out and that something might happen to the cat, or that he will have the stress of being re-homed twice. So I am thinking of saying to SIL that I have thought it over more and have changed my mind, but don't want to add to her burden when she is grieving for her mother so much and has many other things which she needs to deal with. I really don't know what to do. Would I be unreasonable to say that I have changed my mind?

OP posts:
needanewplannow · 28/02/2022 07:32

You can of course change your mind, but a trial period sounds like a good idea to me.

Yellowsubhubabubbub · 28/02/2022 07:38

Why would kitty need to be outdoors? Some cats don’t very go outside by choice?
Let the cat out the back door away from the busy side- they need to learn about traffic and roads. But I’d try and keep this cat inside at that age, is possible.
You may find other cats are territorial and the cat doesn’t go far anyways
My cats have a very specific territory and one just sits it the same hole in our hedge every day haha
Get some Feliway , get extra hidey holes ,get extra litter trays and watch the cats for signs of stressy UTIs , it’ll be fine.
Make sure family agree to put in for any vet upkeep in the future.

cansu · 28/02/2022 07:40

I think you should probably do what you said you would.

Thebedistoohot · 28/02/2022 07:43

On this occasion I think you should give it your best go to settle the cat in with you as an indoor cat, or potentially build a run for it to go in for outdoor time rather than free range.

notthatonethisone · 28/02/2022 07:46

You sound lovely. I'm sorry for your loss. Your mil sounds awesome.

I think if it was me I would go for a trial. You're worrying about potential issues at the moment. There are always potential issues with getting a new pet. Some may materialise. Some may not. Or others you never thought about may happen.

But everyone is grieving. There is a lot to do. Take the cat. See how they all get on.

If it doesn't work out and you think her cat is unhappy after a trial I don't think anyone would begrudge suggesting finding a new home.

Howshouldibehave · 28/02/2022 07:47

So you haven’t even tried despite saying you would? Where is the cat living now?

beachcitygirl · 28/02/2022 07:53

Yabu

You should do what you said you would do. Otherwise you are letting your late mil, your sil, your daughter & your own word down.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 28/02/2022 07:56

Why would the cat need to transition to being outdoors?

Loads of cats live happily inside.

Cakelover17 · 28/02/2022 07:56

I think you should keep to the commitment you made and trial it, were is the cat now?

Newfluff · 28/02/2022 07:58

It's all what ifs, the world is full of them, see how it goes if the cat isn't happy or you aren't then think again.

Kennykenkencat · 28/02/2022 08:02

I would just keep this cat as an indoor cat. Before cat comes to you take some of the bedding or something that the cat sleeps on and lay it around the house so your cat and dog get used to the smell.
Keep new cat in one room for a while and have short introductions so everyone gets used to one another without confrontation.

Where is the cat now?

MrsWooster · 28/02/2022 08:02

Give it a trial and, if it doesn’t work, use Blue Cross or similar rehome-from-home service and it will hardly notice the disruption.

Original poster
StAgur · 28/02/2022 08:05

Thank you for your replies. The cat is still at MIL's home and SIL goes over to feed him each day, but he is otherwise alone. MIL's funeral was just over a week ago, so we haven't discussed the details yet.

I think it would be difficult to have one cat indoors and one cat outdoors, as the indoor cat might get through the cat flap. I don't know, I have never had an indoor cat. SIL said he doesn't use a litter tray, so I am not sure how that works. I guess I am just anxious, as MIL loved that cat so much. But I don't want to let anyone down.

OP posts:
zafferana · 28/02/2022 08:06

Give it a try OP. If your dog is tolerant of the cat you have, chances are it will be fine with another one. As for a life-long indoor cat going outside - you may find that your MIL's cat has no wish to go outside at all. My aunt adopted an indoor cat and even though her back door is open all summer long he never sets foot outside! Just try it. If it doesn't work out then the cat will be relieved to go to a home that suits it better. It won't remember living with you after a while. Cats don't think like humans do, they forget and adapt to new surroundings quite quickly in most cases, so don't anthropomorphise your thinking about it.

gogohm · 28/02/2022 08:10

Cats are far more adaptable than people give them credit for. We took in dsd's cat whose moved 5 times, was an indoor cat but I let it in the garden straight away, cats need to be able to go outside. Similar age to this one. They adapt to new owners quickly too

nordica · 28/02/2022 08:10

Balconies can be catproofed if that's her main worry about the 12th floor flat.

Indoor cats are actually easy to remove through cat rescues anyway if you know to go through the right charity. Especially in London lots of people want indoor cats, and 10 isn't particularly old for a cat.

I think it would be stressful for a 10 year solo indoor cat to adjust to sharing with other pets and start going out if he came to live with you.

JustJam4Tea · 28/02/2022 08:11

Let the indoor cat outside, he’ll have a happier life and is older so won’t go far. Keep him in for a bit and introduce slowly to your own pets and give him a safe space. Why would you keep him in?

And if or doesn’t work, rehome.

Whywonttheyhelpme · 28/02/2022 08:12

You don’t have to take the cat at all OP and any one saying you are letting your MIL or her family down are out of order. You didn’t sign up to having a new indoor cat - that was someone else’s choice.

Could you say to your SIL that you’ve changed your mind and either she can take it or you will keep it until new home can be found via a rehoming charity?

LumpyandBumps · 28/02/2022 08:14

I volunteer for a large animal charity as a home visitor ( not claiming to be any sort of expert), and we would be very reluctant to re home a previously indoor cat of that age to an outdoor home.
From the cat’s point of view it has had a quiet indoor life with an elderly lady and the transition to an outdoor home with another cat and a dog might not be easy.
Of course the cat might love it, but the charity I work for probably wouldn’t take that risk, especially as you are near a busy road.
I assume that what everyone wants is what is best for the cat, so would suggest that that is your starting point. Maybe a properly vetted home with an elderly person would be acceptable?

CrazyCatLover · 28/02/2022 08:15

Take the poor cat. Totally not fair leaving it in a house alone for over a week. You will be fine. The cat needs love after loosing its Owner. It may take time to get used to your other cat but they will be fine after a few weeks. Honestly please go and collect the cat today :)

Original poster
StAgur · 28/02/2022 08:18

Our back garden is very private, with high fences all round, so I would hope that he would be fine, and happy just to go in the garden, which I think he would enjoy. And it would be a link with MIL - and DH - to have him. I am just scared of anything happening to him.

I have had four major bereavements in 15 months - five, if you include my dog, which I do - so I think I have just become more anxious and fearful than previously.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 28/02/2022 08:20

An indoor cat who doesn’t use a litter tray? Confused I’d be a bit worried about where cat does do his business then if I’m honest.

WhiteCatmas · 28/02/2022 08:23

Take the cat, you said you would.
If the cat wants to see the outdoors through the flap, it will. If the cat does not, it will not.
It is difficult to make a cat do anything it does not want.
Give the cat some space away from the dog and your existing cat as that will probably be more of a shock and maybe get some feliway diffusers to chill them all out.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 28/02/2022 08:24

If it doesn't use a litter tray it's clearly not a completely indoor cat - it must do it's business somewhere.

If SIL is feeding it and it's otherwise alone where is it going to the toilet?

Hoppinggreen · 28/02/2022 08:26

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

Why would the cat need to transition to being outdoors?

Loads of cats live happily inside.

Maybe OP doesn’t want a indoor cat with litter trays?
Swipe left for the next trending thread