To change my mind about taking MIL's cat?

[StAgur]

I lost my MIL a few weeks ago, 15 months to the day after DH died. She was just a few weeks short of 90 and had a full and interesting life. I loved her very much.

MIL had a cat, now about 10+ years, whom she adored. The cat has been an indoor cat, although had access to a balcony/patio area (London) and was the only pet. He was originally meant to be for my niece, which was fine when she was a child, but she is now an adult, away at university, so cannot take the cat.

I said to my DD that I would not want the cat to end up in a cat's home, and that we should take him rather than that happen, although it wouldn't be ideal to have him. We already have a cat, who is an outdoor cat, and a dog, who is fine with the cat he has always known, but I worry how he would take to another cat, and also how the existing cat would react.

Anyway, following my conversation with DD, who adores animals and who loves MIL's cat, she told SIL that we would take the cat. SIL said she was very relieved, as the cat has been a source of worry, and she is fearful of taking him herself, as her flat is on the 12th floor and she is afraid that the cat may get over the balcony.

So I feel that I have been put into a position where I should take MIL's cat, and I also feel that this is the last thing which I can do for her. I told SIL that I would take the cat for a trial period, to see how it works out. I also told her of my concerns, especially as he would need to transition to being an outdoor cat, and that I was really worried that something could happen to him 'on my watch', as there is a busy road nearby. SIL said she understood the risks, but still seemed keen for us to have him.

However, the more I think about it, the more concerned I am. I don't want to let SIL - or MIL - down over this, but I am anxious that it won't work out and that something might happen to the cat, or that he will have the stress of being re-homed twice. So I am thinking of saying to SIL that I have thought it over more and have changed my mind, but don't want to add to her burden when she is grieving for her mother so much and has many other things which she needs to deal with. I really don't know what to do. Would I be unreasonable to say that I have changed my mind?

Omg, you and He both sound wonderful.
I hope you have a lovely time xxx

Looks like it’s all been resolved, but your dd was being very unreasonable telling SIL you would take the cat without checking with you first.

Your conversation with dd was about what would happen if SIL couldn’t find a home, she should have checked with you first.

My SIL described how lonely he has been since MIL died. He lives in her flat alone and SIL goes to feed him twice a day, when he is so grateful to see her. MIL's carer also described how he howled and howled on the night of MIL's death. She was in hospital at the time, but it was as if he knew.

Left on his own for over a month? The poor cat. I am so glad you are taking him in and hope it works out beautifully for both of you.

I woke up and saw your update. This is my first Mother’s Day since my mum passed and I wanted to send you a big hug, as I can imagine it’s an emotional weekend for you too. What you are doing is a lovely thing, and I hope so much that the cat settles in. 🌷

@StAgur - hope that he arrived safely yesterday and is settling in well.

he must have been so lonely - my cat was on her own on thursday night, yesterday I was out all day and got home at midnight, she was SO pleased to see me!

Neutered makes are often the most laid back. Expect some upset at the beginning, hissing, yowling, tussles. In my experience mostly they find their way, whether that be best mates or tolerance or avoidance. Get some Feliway in the rooms and places they can get up high. Think about a plan B if it doesn’t work out, friends or neighbours might be up for homing a cat.

He arrived safely yesterday and appears to have taken a liking to me, which is a relief. He was purring a lot and rubbing up against me and wanting to be stroked.

We introduced him briefly to the other animals and were careful about how we did it. The cats didn't show any initial hostility to each other (my daughter kept her cat on her lap, with lots of stroking and reassurance).

We put him in a separate bedroom to sleep and I spent half of the night there, so he didn't feel too alone. I came back in earlier and after some coaxing, he came out from under the bed to be stroked.

So far, so good, except I am knocking back the antihistamines. I am actually quite allergic to cats, but you get used to your own animals!

Don't be in a rush to introduce them to each other, do it really gradually.

Poor you,hope the sniffles settle down soon!

Congratulations on your new addition op. The only thing better than a dcat is 2 dcats.

You have your word so do it. Your car will deal with it my car is 14 and my daughter got a kitten my cat hated him at first but now tolerates him. Remember though older cats are hard work I've spent a fortune on vets bills (though nothing was wrong!!) and she's started pissing in the house, falling off shit etc. there is no saying she will get a home at a shelter either and I dread to think of her getting out to sleep or living her last years caged up. Just give it a try it's a cat they pretty much sleep eat and shit.

Maves cats give you loving looks, let you stroke them and welcome you home, rub themselves lovingly against your legs cover your trousers incat hair and trip you up

Thanks for the update OP, glad that he is settling in.😺

@2DemisSVP I always thought that too until I adopted a previously indoor cat who hardly ever wanted to go outside, literally once in a blue moon and only then for a few minutes, and my lovely old boy now who over the course of the last year has gone from laying on the roof of the neighbour’s shed all summer to deciding he is now an indoor cat 🤷🏻‍♀️ Every cat is different.

Anyway OP v happy to read your update - that’s a heartbreaking story about his howling. I do hope it works out and you can comfort each other.

It’s alright if the cat decides they want to live indoors but the owners who decide for them that they are “an indoor cat” make me sick

@Twiglets1

It’s alright if the cat decides they want to live indoors but the owners who decide for them that they are “an indoor cat” make me sick

My sister an I got cats at about the same time - mine lived happily indoors until she was fifteen. My sister had about five cats in that period - she lived rurally, they were outdoor cats and mostly got killed by cars racing thru the village. Sorry if that makes you sick. It killed her many cats.

Op, sorry for your losses. What a lovely thing to do, you sound a wonderful person. Hope it works out. 💐

Thank you everyone for your lovely and encouraging messages.

for you Lollylol, those first anniversaries are so hard.

The cat continues to settle well, although we are still keeping him in a separate room as his sanctuary. I am gradually introducing him to other areas of the house. He came into my room this morning and stared at my dog, who was on the sofa - the dog wasn't remotely bothered. The cat then turned tail and went into the adjoining bathroom, then came back for another stare, before turning tail again and making clear that he wanted to go back to his sanctuary. So I think this is progress of a sort.

He is very affectionate and he loves being groomed, whereas apparently he wouldn't allow MIL's carer to brush him. My youngest daughter, who used to visit her granny a lot, says that she has never seen him so happy. So, although it's early days, I am hopeful that all will be well.

Yay! Glad to hear kitty is settling in.

glad that he's settling in

Aaahhh sounds like he's settling in nicely 🥰

Lovely to hear things are starting off well.