Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change my mind about taking MIL's cat?

96 replies

StAgur · 28/02/2022 07:29

I lost my MIL a few weeks ago, 15 months to the day after DH died. She was just a few weeks short of 90 and had a full and interesting life. I loved her very much.

MIL had a cat, now about 10+ years, whom she adored. The cat has been an indoor cat, although had access to a balcony/patio area (London) and was the only pet. He was originally meant to be for my niece, which was fine when she was a child, but she is now an adult, away at university, so cannot take the cat.

I said to my DD that I would not want the cat to end up in a cat's home, and that we should take him rather than that happen, although it wouldn't be ideal to have him. We already have a cat, who is an outdoor cat, and a dog, who is fine with the cat he has always known, but I worry how he would take to another cat, and also how the existing cat would react.

Anyway, following my conversation with DD, who adores animals and who loves MIL's cat, she told SIL that we would take the cat. SIL said she was very relieved, as the cat has been a source of worry, and she is fearful of taking him herself, as her flat is on the 12th floor and she is afraid that the cat may get over the balcony.

So I feel that I have been put into a position where I should take MIL's cat, and I also feel that this is the last thing which I can do for her. I told SIL that I would take the cat for a trial period, to see how it works out. I also told her of my concerns, especially as he would need to transition to being an outdoor cat, and that I was really worried that something could happen to him 'on my watch', as there is a busy road nearby. SIL said she understood the risks, but still seemed keen for us to have him.

However, the more I think about it, the more concerned I am. I don't want to let SIL - or MIL - down over this, but I am anxious that it won't work out and that something might happen to the cat, or that he will have the stress of being re-homed twice. So I am thinking of saying to SIL that I have thought it over more and have changed my mind, but don't want to add to her burden when she is grieving for her mother so much and has many other things which she needs to deal with. I really don't know what to do. Would I be unreasonable to say that I have changed my mind?

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 08/03/2022 13:00

I think this will work out! He may enjoy going outside or he may decide to stay in more. He will eventually blend or at least tolerate the other cat.

Our two are different. They came into each others lives when they were older adults. I think they care about each other but they do not cuddle. DBoycat is a home bird. He does go out but not very far or for very long. DGirlcat is more outdoorsy and is in and out all the time.

When DGirlcat came to live with us she was in my bedroom for most of the time and then gradually found her paws.

Original poster
StAgur · 08/03/2022 17:49

Thank you for your replies..

I haven't heard from SIL and I haven't tried to contact her again, so I suspect that she may have had second thoughts. I am obviously prepared to take him and won't go back on my word but it maybe that her DD, whose cat he is, wants to keep him. I think that the ball is in her court, as I have tried to call a couple of times. and had even texted to say she could bring the cat or I could pick him up.

I have made some enquiries and I am reassured that he will find a good home and not be stuck in an animal shelter - and I know SIL wouldn't let that happen. I think his best option might be to go to a home where he is the only pet, as this is what he is used to. I would be distraught if anything happened to him 'on my watch'.

OP posts:
Original poster
StAgur · 26/03/2022 04:22

Update - the cat is arriving later on today!

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 26/03/2022 05:02

Good luck. We have 4 cats. They just turn up. DH won't have cats in the house so they learn to be outside cats. We live on a small farm. They adapt fine.

ittakes2 · 26/03/2022 05:08

It’s best to get advice from a vet or animal behaviouralist. The indoor cat this is not an issue. We transitioned our indoor cats (Ragdolls indoor breed) when they were about 4 years old to outdoor cats. They were petrified at first and we kept them on leads initially but now we have a cat flap and they go out at will. The male cat is living his best life and spends loads of time outside - why the female cat prefers to stay indoors with the family.
I think your biggest issue is is your cat male or female as male cats are territorial and he might not take too kindly to another male but others can give you better advice. When we moved home I put my cats litter tray contents around the boundary of the garden so they felt at home but you would not want to do that if your cat is male.

ittakes2 · 26/03/2022 05:15

Sorry I am not sure how I missed it but just saw your update. Great news. Although please don’t worry about an indoor car becoming an outdoor cat - sounds like he didn’t have a choice to be an outdoor cat you might be giving him his best life. My previously indoor cat through his own choice now lives outside most of the time including when it snows. I think the only thing is he doesn’t venture far from our home. He’s been out the front a few times but always scurries to the back when he sees us. Initially I got a light weight tracker from Amazon for his collar so I could make sure I could find him if lost.

mowly77 · 26/03/2022 05:24

Sorry for your losses OP - and glad the cat is arriving today! I agree you should give it a try. I adopted an indoor cat from a shelter and even when I moved to a place with a garden she didn’t really want to go out; sometimes she would sit in the garden but so rarely! Now I have two other rescues (including one I adopted when he was ten, yes no one else wanted an older cat …) and it’s been fine. Both my cats have learned to share territory and tolerate each other, although there’s the occasional scrap. The oldest is about 14 now and he’s morphed into an indoor cat! Think he just can’t be arsed going outside and prefers to spend all day on the bed. Litter tray and all fine.

I hope it works out and you can stop worrying, it is a lovely thing for you to do.

Anotherhealthcondition · 26/03/2022 06:05

Here for the photo update later.

bellabasset · 26/03/2022 06:56

You can get little pop up tents on Amazon that are an outdoor catio. That might be a good option for the cat to start with if he's not used to outside.

I rehomed a cat last year and she settled in overnight and she goes outside especially if I'm there but she's never out for long otherwise.

pompomseverywhere · 26/03/2022 07:02

Good luck op you can only do your best. Definitely transition the cat to be outdoors as it has to fit in with your family.

I wouldn't worry too much about roads. You cannot control a cat and these things do happen. It's sad but out of your control. Well done for doing a wonderful thing.

Appliancedesparation · 26/03/2022 07:04

I think you should give it a good go as I'm guessing older cats aren't that easy to rehome and you know it's what your MIL would want. My two cats don't get on but just avoid each other.

AthenaWhite · 26/03/2022 07:07

OOOo cat update! Hope it all goes well!

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 26/03/2022 07:19

I've just seen this thread and so pleased to read your update! I think you're doing the right thing and I'm sure it will work out, but if not then you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I also just wanted to say how sorry I am youcw been through such an awful time Flowers

Frollop · 26/03/2022 07:32

I love cats, hope it works out well... I'm sure it willGrin

Appliancedesparation · 26/03/2022 08:07

Sorry, OP, missed the update before posting; hope it works out and also sorry for your losses Flowers

2DemisSVP · 26/03/2022 08:13

Lucky cat ! Cats aren’t indoor creatures , nowhere in the natural world does that happen by choice ! Humans keep them in by choice. The cat will adapt and will LOVE it . Hope the animals all learn to get on xx

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 26/03/2022 08:19

Get some Feliway while he settles in Smile

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/03/2022 08:19

You worry too much. Take the cat and see how it goes. He can always be rehoused again if it doesn't work out, cats are very adaptable. I was given a second cat and so worried about how my grumpy 12 year old cat would cope and they get on brilliantly.

ThinWomansBrain · 26/03/2022 08:31

My cat was about ten when I took a job that meant relocating to a rural area - apart from occasional holidays and weekends away, she was an indoor cat, central London.
We had a lovely cottage, enclosed garden, about 100m from a busy road. She loved it - timid about getting to the garden, she preferred me to open the lounge window for her to go through, would use the front door is I went with her and opened the garden gate, and never understood what the cat flap was for (also, she had no more intention of toileting in the garden than I would, that's what her cat litter tray was for) - but we were there for about eighteen months, and she loved the opportunity to go out, and adapted well.

ThinWomansBrain · 26/03/2022 08:38

should have rtft! Just seen this was an exciting new update to an existing thread,
Hope that he has a good journey to you OP, and settles in well.
Enjoy and have fun!

Ellmau · 26/03/2022 08:47

Good luck, hope he settles in well!

Twiglets1 · 26/03/2022 08:52

I would give it a trial period and let the poor creature be an outside cat with your other cat which is a better way for them to live anyway than cooped inside every day.
If you are finding it stressful after a month say, then you can rehome the cat without any guilt ( or let SIL make arrangements) because at least you have tried.

balalake · 26/03/2022 09:31

I hope it all works out well, and that as you noted earlier in the thread, it does provide a happy memory to link to your late MIL.

Original poster
StAgur · 26/03/2022 10:38

Thank you everyone, for your replies.

I do feel that it's the last thing that I can do for my MIL and I know that she would be delighted that he will be with me, as are the rest of the family, who don't want him to go to a stranger.

My SIL described how lonely he has been since MIL died. He lives in her flat alone and SIL goes to feed him twice a day, when he is so grateful to see her. MIL's carer also described how he howled and howled on the night of MIL's death. She was in hospital at the time, but it was as if he knew.

So, how can I not offer him a home? We will be two lonely, bereaved souls together, and perhaps we can comfort each other.

Both cats are male, but neutered and the existing cat belongs to my daughter, so is probably going to be moving out in the not too distant future, as she is in the process of buying a house.There is a high fence around the garden, so hopefully he will be safe.

Anyway, the decision is made now, so hopefully it will all turn out for the best.

OP posts:
PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 26/03/2022 10:55

MIL's carer also described how he howled and howled on the night of MIL's death. She was in hospital at the time, but it was as if he knew.

Oh, thats heartbreaking! Sad

I think you're going to live a lovely life together Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread