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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change my mind about taking MIL's cat?

96 replies

StAgur · 28/02/2022 07:29

I lost my MIL a few weeks ago, 15 months to the day after DH died. She was just a few weeks short of 90 and had a full and interesting life. I loved her very much.

MIL had a cat, now about 10+ years, whom she adored. The cat has been an indoor cat, although had access to a balcony/patio area (London) and was the only pet. He was originally meant to be for my niece, which was fine when she was a child, but she is now an adult, away at university, so cannot take the cat.

I said to my DD that I would not want the cat to end up in a cat's home, and that we should take him rather than that happen, although it wouldn't be ideal to have him. We already have a cat, who is an outdoor cat, and a dog, who is fine with the cat he has always known, but I worry how he would take to another cat, and also how the existing cat would react.

Anyway, following my conversation with DD, who adores animals and who loves MIL's cat, she told SIL that we would take the cat. SIL said she was very relieved, as the cat has been a source of worry, and she is fearful of taking him herself, as her flat is on the 12th floor and she is afraid that the cat may get over the balcony.

So I feel that I have been put into a position where I should take MIL's cat, and I also feel that this is the last thing which I can do for her. I told SIL that I would take the cat for a trial period, to see how it works out. I also told her of my concerns, especially as he would need to transition to being an outdoor cat, and that I was really worried that something could happen to him 'on my watch', as there is a busy road nearby. SIL said she understood the risks, but still seemed keen for us to have him.

However, the more I think about it, the more concerned I am. I don't want to let SIL - or MIL - down over this, but I am anxious that it won't work out and that something might happen to the cat, or that he will have the stress of being re-homed twice. So I am thinking of saying to SIL that I have thought it over more and have changed my mind, but don't want to add to her burden when she is grieving for her mother so much and has many other things which she needs to deal with. I really don't know what to do. Would I be unreasonable to say that I have changed my mind?

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 28/02/2022 08:27

give it a try - it's often quite hard to rehome elderly cats, so he'd probably be at the adoption centre for ages.

I took a job that meant moving for about 18 months - my 12 year old cat who'd previously been an indoor cat absolutely loved the garden of our country cottage.

couchparsnip · 28/02/2022 08:28

Bare minimum you need to provide a different sleeping, feeding, water and litter area for each cat and don't ever trap them in a room together.
Your existing cat might not like the situation either.
I would ring your local branch of Cats Protection and ask advice. To be honest, the cat might be better off with someone else. It's a lot of change for an elderly cat. You can always say that the experts advised you not to do it.
And maybe post in 'the litter tray' on here as well

ThinWomansBrain · 28/02/2022 08:29

just seen the posts above - she loved pottering in the garden and laying in the sun, but didn't ever see the garden as somewhere to go to the loo, still had a tray indoors Grin

Hankunamatata · 28/02/2022 08:33

The cats used to being an indoor cat. Hopefully it wont stray any further than garden. Make sure cats microchipped just incase.

TeenPlusCat · 28/02/2022 08:33

You don't need to take in the cat at all. Contact a rescue and they will take her in or you keep her until thy have found a new owner.

Last year we adopted in a 10 year old indoor cat. There will be more people out there like us.

antidisestablishmentarianism · 28/02/2022 08:37

Can you not get a collar activated cat flap for your outdoor cat so they can come and go and you can control the other cats trips into the garden?

Catflapkitkat · 28/02/2022 08:46

Like you, I had promised to take my Mother's beloved cat. She was her baby.

The cat was shipped from the South Coast to an EU destination. She was 7 years old, Never seen a cat flap, only used to a postage stamp garden but mastered the cat flap with within a couple of weeks. And she had to made her own territory in a garden with no fences and neighbourhood cats. Now she copes with 24 hour daylight in the summer. Minus temperatures (-10 today). Snow for 5 months of the year. She is thriving.

I echo what the others have said, give it a chance, animals are incredibly adaptable.

lawandgin · 28/02/2022 08:52

Could you get a microchip cat flap which only allows your cat outside? The cat needs to stay inside for at least the first few weeks. Although I don't think this solves the other issues, like the cat not being used to other animals.

Itsbackagain · 28/02/2022 09:05

YABU purely for having an outdoor cat near a busy road. After recently having to pick one up off a main road and having it die in my arms I don't understand why people do this.

Original poster
StAgur · 28/02/2022 09:15

Itsbackagain - I take your point, but when we first had our existing cat, as a kitten, 11 years ago, we lived on a 17 acre plot, surrounded by countryside, but downsized after retirement, and obviously our cat came with us. We could not have shut him in, after being free to roam for 11 years. But I would not have chosen to have another cat, and I don't really agree with cats being kept indoors, although I know that this is a controversial view.

OP posts:
JustJam4Tea · 28/02/2022 09:20

Just seen your post about bereavement. Our family has one way or another inherited a number of what we term 'guilt pets'. They've all adapted, made their own way in the family set up and been happy.

I like the link they gave us back to the people we've lost. Pets are incredibly adaptable and having a sunny back garden to live in would be amazing...

HiJenny35 · 28/02/2022 09:43

I think it would be dreadful to back out now after you came forward and said you would do it, at least try it.

sunshinesupermum · 28/02/2022 09:47

Not sure how an indoor cat doesn't use a litter tray!?

But at that age an indoor cat is unlikely to suddenly want to go outside.
Personally I would give it a go.

Original poster
StAgur · 28/02/2022 10:36

Thank you everyone. I agree that I should give it a go, as I said I would, and just do my best to help the cat feel happy and settled. In fact, the ball is in SIL's court and I haven't heard from her for a week, so she may be having second thoughts too. Everyone wants what's best for the cat, who was so loved by MIL.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 01/03/2022 05:54

Have fun with him, hope that he settles in happily Smile

violetbunny · 01/03/2022 06:00

You can get a Sureflap Connect cat flap. It lets you keep specific pets inside, while others can come and go as they please.

Nelliephant1 · 01/03/2022 06:01

I'm massively allergic to cats but we still took my father in laws cat when he died. It was the last thing we could do for him and the cat was grieving too so she needed to be surrounded by people she knew. She was a vicious wee rescue who was definitely a challenge but a stock of antihistamines and a lot of patience and she was great.

The cat can easily stay as an indoor car surely. Maybe you're looking for excuses not to take it.......

LollyLol · 01/03/2022 06:07

I'm so sorry for your losses, no wonder you are worried about taking on the cat, you are dealing with an awful lot already. I've said YABU but in a very gentle way; I think you can give the cat a little trial period and it will probably be fine. We had a cat who was an outdoor cat but absolutely preferred to be inside. She hated rain, or damp ground, and would sit mournfully by the transparent cat flap observing the weather, until it was dry enough for her to go outside and do her toilet business.

You can probably still train the cat to use a litter tray, or just to find a little spot outside where she can go to the toilet. My cat especially liked a little area of finely dug over soil near the house, so she didnt have to go too far. She liked to walk on the garden, and had a favourite bush she sat under to silently observe the birds.

She was - aside from being a useless cat - a darling little friend who would snuggle up on your lap and purr until she dribbled.

If the cat is miserable and doesnt get on with your other animals then don't feel guilty, you can rehome her again.

CheshireDing · 01/03/2022 06:13

We have a similar situation OP. My Grandma died last March and had a cat, we have a dog and a cat too. Our cat uses a cat flap and is out a lot ! She is only 2 and loves being out.

Grans cat never leaves the house and basically just eats and sleeps, she is 10.

There were scraps and hissing, chasing etc. it has taken 12 months nearly for them to sit on opposite setters at the same time. Grans cat has definitely had a hard time adjusting but it’s mostly fine now, they eat in the same room and just ignore each other.

I just need to find a way to get rid of the litter tray now, we put her outside and she just walks round the house and goes back through the cat flap!

We put a tracker on her collar too so we knew where she was.

It’s worth a try OP

TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY · 01/03/2022 22:37

tbh if you dont want the cat you dont take the cat
bugger whats best for your sister in law, who sounds relived that she's put the burden on you

forget promises and a "i should "just because i said i would or you think its the right thing to do.
say you have had a major think and it doesn't work for you.
if the cat is 10ish it can possible last another 10-15 years(my neighbours cat is 24/25 and lives a normal outdoor life)

that a long time to put up with something you didnt really want

Original poster
StAgur · 02/03/2022 10:41

Thanks everyone. I tried to call SIL yesterday, but no reply, and she hasn't called me back, so I will just wait and see what she wants to do.

OP posts:
ChampagneLassie · 02/03/2022 11:08

I'm sorry for your loss. I think it is natural that you are wanting to make sure the animal is happy and I'd suggest the best way to do this is to try to find it a more suitable home. The RSPCA could advertise it and I'm sure it will be snapped up. They don't generally put animals into shelters - better for it to stay where it is and then a new owner can collect from you.

MissMaple82 · 02/03/2022 11:26

How about foster until a suitable forever home becomes available. This is how I rehomed my dog, I couldn't bare to put him in a shelter, they suffer terribly in them, for an older cat that could be really very traumatic. Contact any cat rescue and ask them to help you as a Foster for the cat..two cats generally don't mix unless brought up together, it could be quite stressful. Alot of people prefer adopting older cats, they are always so relaxed and easy going. I for one, will be adopting an elderly cat when my own cat has passed.

tattychicken · 08/03/2022 12:56

Have you spoke to SIL OP? What did you decide?

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