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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s gf calling herself stepmother

91 replies

Anomonda · 27/02/2022 21:27

My 5yo said yesterday that ‘Missy’, daddy’s gf, has told her she’s her stepmother. They’ve been together a bit over a year and have lived together most of that, she’s his 2nd girlfriend since our split in mid-2020 although first was probably just a fling. Split is still acrimonious, ex would prefer me not to exist regardless of being their mother. I know I don’t need to be informed about stuff but I get nothing. When he moved in with this gf a few months after we split I was informed by the kids, he also wouldn’t give me his address for 6 months and they stay with him EOW! The kids were told the gf’s mother is ‘Grandma’ literally since ex moved in with the gf. These are just a couple of examples of many things I consider to be … I don’t even know what to say here… weird? out of order?… but mainly confusing for the kids? They’re only 5 and 3. I’m sure people are going to say get over it because at some point it’s going to happen anyway and I can’t raise it with him because I’ll just get abuse back. AIBU to be a bit shocked and think it’s weird and unnecessary for the gf to have instigated this?

OP posts:
FeckTheMagicDragon · 27/02/2022 21:32

It’s weird, and overstepping things, but you have no control over how other people act. Just refer to her by name and ignore. You kids know you are their Mum. And that is the main thing. If they raise it just laugh and say she can’t call herself what ever she wants, it’s up to her. (And privately wonder how many step mothers he is going to go through 😄)

gospelsinger · 27/02/2022 21:37

I agree it is strange. YANBU, but I would advise you don't over react to it, as you don't know how the conversation happened.

Georgeskitchen · 27/02/2022 21:38

YANBU she's not their step mother and her mother is not their grandma. He needs teĺling

Flickflak · 27/02/2022 22:12

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Hankunamatata · 27/02/2022 22:15

She live with him for nearly a year. She is kinda stepmom territory 🤷‍♀️. You may not like it but you don't get a say what they do

HiJenny35 · 27/02/2022 22:18

Are you sure they haven't got married?

SpikeySmooth · 27/02/2022 22:22

Friend of hours recently married for a second time. They 've been in a relationship for a few years. But on their wedding day, the bride told his son, I'm now your step-mum. She didn't refer to herself as that until then. It was Dad's partner.

Kanaloa · 27/02/2022 22:24

I agree that I wouldn’t bother letting him drag you in/stress you out, but I would say very plainly to your dd ‘a stepmother or stepfather means someone who is married to your mummy or daddy. That’s what that word means.’

Because it is. It’s not one of those subjective things, she literally isn’t their stepmother at all.

Kanaloa · 27/02/2022 22:25

@Hankunamatata

She live with him for nearly a year. She is kinda stepmom territory 🤷‍♀️. You may not like it but you don't get a say what they do
There is no ‘stepmom territory.’ Stepmother means married to child’s father. And ‘nearly a year’ is no bloody time at all! They can’t have been together more than a year and a half.
TreatTrimTame · 27/02/2022 22:28

Clearly she is overstepping. I would just not engage. She can call herself whatever she likes, its not true.

TheRealityCheque · 27/02/2022 22:32

@Kanaloa

I agree that I wouldn’t bother letting him drag you in/stress you out, but I would say very plainly to your dd ‘a stepmother or stepfather means someone who is married to your mummy or daddy. That’s what that word means.’

Because it is. It’s not one of those subjective things, she literally isn’t their stepmother at all.

Incorrect.

The OED, for example, clearly defines stepmother as being the wife OR PARTNER of the father

Throwmealifejacket · 27/02/2022 22:36

May I ask why it matters to you? MN gets very worked up about this. It depends what you read but stepmum doesn’t have to be married to their partner. But why does it matter? It’s just a label. If she’s kind and nice to your kids when they’re in their dads care why does it matter?

UndertheCedartree · 27/02/2022 22:37

Did it definitely come from the GF? I only say that because my DD refers to my BF as her step dad. We've never told her that is what he is but she knows lots of friends who have a step dad and I heard her telling a friend (quite proudly) that she had a step dad too! I think she was 6 at the time.

Throwmealifejacket · 27/02/2022 22:38

Also, what is overstepping? This woman has chosen to be in a relationship with a man with kids. What is she overstepping?

Step mums get such a hard time on here.

Enko · 27/02/2022 22:42

I don't think there is much you can do OP. Just ensure your children knows its ok to call her that or by her name when they speak to you no judgement.

My mother lived with the same man for 36 years they never married. I call him my stepdad he deserves that title even if they never legalised it.

wordler · 27/02/2022 22:44

I didn't call myself a stepmother out loud until after the wedding but I spend the previous year feeling like one as I was living the role. I also was madly researching and reading about how to be a good one, or at least not an evil one.

The main thing is if she's kind to your kids when they are in her care. So I wouldn't make a big fuss about the name thing in front of them in case they stop telling you stuff she does and says in case it makes you upset.

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2022 22:45

Well they do live together so to all intents and purposes she is in a way.

Lots of MNetters refer to their DP's parents as their inlaws for example although it's not technically true.

To the kids, technical terms and legalities won't mean a thing anyway as they're so young.

Kanaloa · 27/02/2022 22:52

*Incorrect.

The OED, for example, clearly defines stepmother as being the wife OR PARTNER of the father*

I doubt that stretches to ‘girlfriend of a year or so.’

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2022 22:58

@Kanaloa

*Incorrect.

The OED, for example, clearly defines stepmother as being the wife OR PARTNER of the father*

I doubt that stretches to ‘girlfriend of a year or so.’

They've lived together for over a year so I'd say that makes them an established couple - otherwise known as a partner.
Legoisthebest · 27/02/2022 23:02

This wouldn't bother me but not knowing the address of where your child are when they are with their Dad would bother me big time.
Could you speak to someone neutral (school teacher?) about it. You need to know where they are in case of an emergency.

Original poster
Anomonda · 27/02/2022 23:14

Thank you, I’m convinced not to engage and just continue to support the kids. I have nothing against stepmothers, it’s a hard job walking a thin line trying to do the right thing by everyone involved, including themselves. But then I’m presuming that everyone would attempt to walk that thin line and that’s not always the case.
I second guess every instinctive reaction I have, every day, I really appreciate hearing other peoples opinions and even though not everyone agrees I understand what each of you are saying and it’s valuable to me.
(He did eventually tell me where they are living and I don’t think they’re married but good luck to her if they are!)

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 27/02/2022 23:15

I doubt that stretches to ‘girlfriend of a year or so.’

That would be up to the individuals to decide, not anyone else.

You need to know where they are in case of an emergency.

Presumably in an emergency, the children will be with their father or he will know where they are. He must have a phone. What kind of emergency requires OP to drive to his home to pick up the children?

wishing3 · 27/02/2022 23:18

YANBU

Viviennemary · 27/02/2022 23:23

She isnt a stepmother as she is not married to your ex for a start. And even if she was your child has the right not to regard her as her stepmother.

Kanaloa · 27/02/2022 23:47

@BoredZelda

I doubt that stretches to ‘girlfriend of a year or so.’

That would be up to the individuals to decide, not anyone else.

You need to know where they are in case of an emergency.

Presumably in an emergency, the children will be with their father or he will know where they are. He must have a phone. What kind of emergency requires OP to drive to his home to pick up the children?

And one of those individuals (the mother of the child) isn’t happy with it.

Moving a woman in after a few months of knowing her then insisting her mum is grandma and she’s your stepmum doesn’t scream of having the kids best interests at heart.

Unless you’d all happily move a man in after a few months and tell the kids he’s their new stepdad?