Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s gf calling herself stepmother

91 replies

Anomonda · 27/02/2022 21:27

My 5yo said yesterday that ‘Missy’, daddy’s gf, has told her she’s her stepmother. They’ve been together a bit over a year and have lived together most of that, she’s his 2nd girlfriend since our split in mid-2020 although first was probably just a fling. Split is still acrimonious, ex would prefer me not to exist regardless of being their mother. I know I don’t need to be informed about stuff but I get nothing. When he moved in with this gf a few months after we split I was informed by the kids, he also wouldn’t give me his address for 6 months and they stay with him EOW! The kids were told the gf’s mother is ‘Grandma’ literally since ex moved in with the gf. These are just a couple of examples of many things I consider to be … I don’t even know what to say here… weird? out of order?… but mainly confusing for the kids? They’re only 5 and 3. I’m sure people are going to say get over it because at some point it’s going to happen anyway and I can’t raise it with him because I’ll just get abuse back. AIBU to be a bit shocked and think it’s weird and unnecessary for the gf to have instigated this?

OP posts:
MamaBye · 28/02/2022 08:08

At 4 days a month she's doing bugger all parenting.

Well, 4 days a month is all many step-parents see the children because that's how often the NRP sees the children. The father is doing bugger all parenting either then.

Hapoydayz · 28/02/2022 08:12

I don't get why anyone would actually want to be called step mother or play that role. I understand it if the mum has passed away but apart from that I don't see why it's needed and the dad should be doing the parenting not sloping his responsibility to his latest girlfriend or wife.

QuirkyTurtle · 28/02/2022 08:17

@Hapoydayz

I don't get why anyone would actually want to be called step mother or play that role. I understand it if the mum has passed away but apart from that I don't see why it's needed and the dad should be doing the parenting not sloping his responsibility to his latest girlfriend or wife.
Because a stepmother often does take on day to day parenting responsibilities. They may pick them up from school, drive them to activities, take them for days out etc. Stepmother is a clear label when conversing with other people.

Plus, when you're putting time, effort and money into loving and caring for someone else's child, some people think they've earned the term stepmum, as it's already a thankless job and it's the one bit of recognition you get.

gogohm · 28/02/2022 08:23

Being a step parent in the 21st century is more about actions than paperwork. If you are sharing in the raising of the child then you are a de facto step parent. It's not a bad thing, as long as the kids are loved and well cared for. I help out with dp's dd(older) we get on great and she asks me for help and guidance a lot

VioletLemon · 28/02/2022 08:24

Is it definately her that's saying this? I hear children in conversation about families alot and they try to make sense of things by saying what their friends say.

It's us adults that are most affected by those words. It's largely irrelevant for very young children who don't really have a big world view yet. Older kids choose what terms they want to use.

38 years later I still say DM's husband.

Laugh it off, showing your DC you are the only Mother. Use her name when you speak about her and do that in front of them when you speak to him too.

PicaK · 28/02/2022 08:28

You can argue about whether it's right or wrong but you can't do anything about it.
Except...
Use her name every time, talk about Daddy and Tamara's House. Tamara them to death. Imprint Tamara on them. So less likely to call her mum then.

Ginandpanic · 28/02/2022 08:34

Is she nice to them? Shouldn’t that be your main concern and not what she calls herself?

I live with my fiancé and his son, we’ve only been together a year. I really don’t care if mumsnet thinks we moved in too fast.
My fiancé is the resident parent . This morning for example I did breakfast and medications for his child, got him ready for school, after school I’ll take him to an activity then home and make his tea. I’m
Parenting surely in my fiancés absence?
I don’t call
Myself step mum but my fiancés son does keep asking me what I am and I don’t think ‘ dads fiancé’ makes any sense to him . Because he has a step dad I think step mum would make sense to him.

muddyford · 28/02/2022 08:36

Loads of people on MN refer to their partner's parents as parents-in-law which they are not.

ImAvingOops · 28/02/2022 08:44

Honestly, I wouldn't have allowed him to take the children if I didn't know where he was living. I think a parent should have a legal right to this basic information. And if it needs to be hidden for safeguarding reasons then the parent who is a threat, shouldn't be seeing the kids on the first place. I would have blocked access and made him take me to court for it.
I'd also be really annoyed by the step mother thing - he's doing it partly to annoy you and partly to rewrite reality more to his liking. Don't show any sign of irritation because he will enjoy it! Try to reframe it in your mind as better to have an involved and caring person in their lives then the alternative. But definitely just refer to her by her name to your kids.

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 08:46

My dads girlfriend of 22 years is absolutely my step mom and has been since about 6 months into their relationship when I moved in with them along with my two siblings and her children too.

It wasn't intended to happen that way but it did because circumstances changed and she stepped up and raised me.

Her parents never treated me any differently to their 'real' grandchildren. Based on my experience the more family who love your children, the better, regardless of who is married to whom.

GlitteryGreen · 28/02/2022 08:49

Tbh I wouldn't think too much into it, especially if you're not sure on the context on which it was raised.

I had this convo with my boyfriends daughter a few years ago when she said stepmothers are evil (thanks Disney Grin) and I just said "not all of them! Your stepmum would be me and I'm not evil". So nothing sinister or weird at all, but for all I know she could have reported that back to her mum.

Bigfishlittlepuddle · 28/02/2022 08:51

Stepmum is better than Mom. Being married does not make new lady Mom, but apparently I am Big Fish/Mum and new lady is Mom.

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 08:52

@Bigfishlittlepuddle

Stepmum is better than Mom. Being married does not make new lady Mom, but apparently I am Big Fish/Mum and new lady is Mom.
Ouch! Do they live with you? How new is new lady?
HailAdrian · 28/02/2022 08:54

@Hapoydayz

I don't get why anyone would actually want to be called step mother or play that role. I understand it if the mum has passed away but apart from that I don't see why it's needed and the dad should be doing the parenting not sloping his responsibility to his latest girlfriend or wife.
I agree. I can just about stand my own kids, I've no desire to play mum to anyone else's. I'll babysit briefly if I really have to and that's it. People are weird.
Itsbackagain · 28/02/2022 09:01

Are your kids happy - do they like her - that's whats important surely.

Bigfishlittlepuddle · 28/02/2022 09:12

I have 50/50 care. They have been together for quite a while. Apparently I'm nutty for saying it is only possible to have one Mum.

hupfpferd · 28/02/2022 10:09

My ex and his partner have been together for 9 years and have 2 children together. They are getting married this year.

She is as good as stepmum but even she doesn't call herself that yet!

Original poster
Anomonda · 28/02/2022 10:28

Just wrote a rambling post and accidentally deleted it. The gist was that step parents can be very beneficial to childrens lives, there’s absolutely no doubting that. Probably better to give the kids a period of adjustment after a shock split rather than suddenly moving in with someone and never seeing their dad without his gf but that’s just my opinion. 3yo doesn’t like her, both kids cry for their ‘old life’ with mummy and daddy together. ‘Kids are resilient’ is bull from where I’m standing, it’s just said to make it easier for adults. I encourage them to love their dad and would never stop them seeing them although after a period where it got really bad I had a solicitor write to him (which he ignored repeatedly) and one of the asks was for his address. It’s not a legal requirement although I agree with a pp I think it should be. Would I move and not say where I was living with the children? That would never even cross my mind! 3 mths later I said the kids couldn’t visit that weekend until the stuff raised by the solicitor was sorted out or at least discussed and after being called many colourful names he sent his address and I took the kids the following weekend so they were none the wiser (from my side at least).
My ex is a victim, he uses it to manipulate his gf into feeling sorry for his situation. I fell for the same thing when he used a different situation to reel me in, I only realised when I watched myself become his new ‘situation’! Any reaction I have is used as another example of how awful I am, it fits into his narrative. Him not providing his address, and lots of other things like that are done because he knows he’ll get a rise out of me and that’s what he needs to keep playing his victim card. He knows I would never do anything that would upset the children and he uses that. The people he feeds his BS to don’t know the part about him not giving his address etc or any of the abuse I’ve got so they have no context for anything. I won’t be reacting from now on though. Thanks again for all your thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anomonda · 28/02/2022 10:28

Looks like I rambled again…

OP posts:
Nothingsfine · 28/02/2022 11:00

Not RTFT but I don't think you are BU in thinking it weird after a year that she is calling herself stepmum. I do agree with others though that you need to pick your battles. You may well be right that it is too soon for this terminology and maybe the relationship won't last but the kids will develop the same relationship with this woman whether they call her dad's gf, her name, auntie so and so or stepmum. The real issue is how well she treats them and how happy they are in their dad's home, which unless there are red flags, you'd hope all would be OK.
Just as a side note, I've been with my OH for 7 years. Not married but living together for 5 years. I doubt my SK's mum could bear to call me their stepmum too despite me feeding them every weekend etc etc, it's just semantics

RedWingBoots · 28/02/2022 11:06

@PicaK

You can argue about whether it's right or wrong but you can't do anything about it. Except... Use her name every time, talk about Daddy and Tamara's House. Tamara them to death. Imprint Tamara on them. So less likely to call her mum then.
They aren't calling her "mum" they are calling her "step-mum".

There is a difference.

I guess if you never had one and other adults who chose to help out when they didn't have to, you wouldn't understand this.

RedWingBoots · 28/02/2022 11:13

OP kids are resilient but they also know horrible people when they meet them.

If your ex plays these games at some point he will find one or both your joint daughters will refuse to see him and this cam start as young as 9.

Unfortunately you can't say anything about how their father is, they have to learn about his character for themselves and you have to support them if they decide from 11 onwards to minimise contact with him.

onreee · 28/02/2022 11:17

There is no ‘stepmom territory.’ Stepmother means married to child’s father. And ‘nearly a year’ is no bloody time at all! They can’t have been together more than a year and a half.

You can be married after 6 weeks @Kanaloa, that doesn't make a stepmum.

Kanaloa · 28/02/2022 12:44

Well actually that would make a step mum. If someone married your dad (after 6 weeks or 6 days) they’d be your step mum. I still wouldn’t like it because it would be ridiculously rushed (as it sounds like this relationship was) but the person would be the step mum.

Kanaloa · 28/02/2022 12:45

And regardless of what ‘makes a step mum’ it’s surely not a woman who lives with your dad who you see twice a month. If this woman was shouldering half the parenting burden I’d think fair enough she wants to give herself the name step mum but she’s not.

Swipe left for the next trending thread