Page 2 | Ex’s gf calling herself stepmother

Legoisthebest · 27/02/2022 23:58

BoredZelda you seriously can't think of an emergency where a mother needs to know where her children are?
What if the emergency involved the father and 'stepmother'?
Here's a scenario.....
Mother on phone to police : "Hi yes, my ex hasn't bought my children home and he isn't answering his phone or emails and I am concerned"
Police "ok what's his name and address?"
Mother : "it's Joe Smith but I don't know his address"
Meanwhile.... Dad, 'Stepmum' and Children lie unconscious from carbon monoxide poisoning and medical help is severely delayed because the mother couldn't give the emergency services the address.

(Glad to hear you now know the address OP)

endingintiers · 27/02/2022 23:59

Alternative point of view.

I'm not married but my partner is definitely my eldest's step dad!

She's trying to make the kids welcome as is her mum.

Kanaloa · 28/02/2022 00:09

Telling kids someone they’ve never met is their grandma isn’t welcoming, it’s inappropriate. He moved in a woman he’d known a few months and told the kids ‘her mum is your grandma now.’ That’s not welcoming. It’s weird.

RedWingBoots · 28/02/2022 00:28

@Legoisthebest you have a great imagination.

OP just concentrate on whether the adults your ex brings into your children's lives are nice to them, and ignore his other BS.

Legoisthebest · 28/02/2022 00:37

RedWingBoots I have been watching a lot of hospital/police dramas lately so maybe my imagination does get carried away.
But things like that can - unfortunately - happen.

Saracen · 28/02/2022 00:47

I don't think it's all that excessive for their dad's gf to be referred to as their stepmother. It's a bit quick, but...

But I am taken aback that dad's gf's mother has been "grandma" almost since day one! What on earth were they thinking?

ConsuelaHammock · 28/02/2022 00:53

Just tell them that she’s dad’s girlfriend. Because that what she is!?

Sunsetzs · 28/02/2022 01:01

You don't have to be married to be referred to as step-parents in this family. You don't even have to be married into the family or blood-related to be a cousin or grandchild etc.

It's a but quick though and I would be concerned if it doesn't last that he will repeat it with the next, and then maybe the next. But, you can't really stop him.

RedWingBoots · 28/02/2022 01:13

@ConsuelaHammock

Just tell them that she’s dad’s girlfriend. Because that what she is!?

And that will help the children's well-being how?

Unfortunately the OP can't control what her ex says or his girlfriend.

She can only control her reactions to their behaviour by ensuring her children don't see her react negatively to or say anything negative about their dad's BS.

Doratheexploret · 28/02/2022 01:30

I was with my DH for 8 years before we got married. I never referred to myself as my step daughters step mum until then. She told people I was her step mum though.

I understand it’s upsetting but try not to worry about it.

whysoserious123 · 28/02/2022 01:37

You have no say in your ex and his gf lives. There's more to this story he obviously didn't want you to know where he was living for a reason Been together a while so maybe best to accept that your ex has moved in its time you do to. Good luck OP and breathe

Player001 · 28/02/2022 01:43

@Viviennemary

She isnt a stepmother as she is not married to your ex for a start. And even if she was your child has the right not to regard her as her stepmother.

So are you telling me that the children I've help raise for the last 15 years are not my stepchildren because I'm not married to their DF but merely his partner?

(Yes, I have their DM's blessing)

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/02/2022 01:58

Some people, and your ex sounds like one of them, like to paint the world as they want to it be rather than how it is. So his current GF has, in his mind, replaced you and your family. She is "mum" so therefore his mother his "grandma".

When this one crashes and burns, as it inevitably will because he is a prick, the kids will then have a new "step mum".

I am out of the business now, but the last pub I ran had a woman who's kids had had, at the point I left, 3 "step dads" in a just under 2 years. I am not saying it had any relevance to their appalling behaviour but I am also not saying it didnt......

avamiah · 28/02/2022 02:04

@Player001,

I would say that you are more then their stepmother, you are their Everything.xx

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/02/2022 02:25

Stepmother is someone in a parenting role.

At 4 days a month she's doing bugger all parenting.

Kanaloa · 28/02/2022 06:41

*So are you telling me that the children I've help raise for the last 15 years are not my stepchildren because I'm not married to their DF but merely his partner?

(Yes, I have their DM's blessing)*

Well that’s a totally and utterly different situation to a woman who sees the child every other weekend and has known them for a year, having been told this woman’s mum was her grandma on meeting her.

ChoiceMummy · 28/02/2022 07:08

@Anomonda

My 5yo said yesterday that ‘Missy’, daddy’s gf, has told her she’s her stepmother. They’ve been together a bit over a year and have lived together most of that, she’s his 2nd girlfriend since our split in mid-2020 although first was probably just a fling. Split is still acrimonious, ex would prefer me not to exist regardless of being their mother. I know I don’t need to be informed about stuff but I get nothing. When he moved in with this gf a few months after we split I was informed by the kids, he also wouldn’t give me his address for 6 months and they stay with him EOW! The kids were told the gf’s mother is ‘Grandma’ literally since ex moved in with the gf. These are just a couple of examples of many things I consider to be … I don’t even know what to say here… weird? out of order?… but mainly confusing for the kids? They’re only 5 and 3. I’m sure people are going to say get over it because at some point it’s going to happen anyway and I can’t raise it with him because I’ll just get abuse back. AIBU to be a bit shocked and think it’s weird and unnecessary for the gf to have instigated this?

If you'd posted on the lone parents board, I think that you'd have got responses from those who actually have been in the situation. As the hypothetical varies drastically from the reality.

Givne they're a year in and have been living together, I think that though I too wouldn't like it, that the gf probably isn't in the wrong, especially if she's providing some of the care and in the any ways better this is instilled at a younger age and accepted as OK, rather than the wicked stepmother repaonse that can happen when older.
Likewise, if they're "gaining" grandparents, I'd have to take it on the chin as that's better for the children to be showered with love than the alternative.

And as we all know, you cannot stop this happening, so as much as makes your insides hurt, better to support the children and hope that the ex's relationship lasts so that the children aren't further impacted.

Realitydawning98 · 28/02/2022 07:08

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IForgiveYouPaula · 28/02/2022 07:21

I hate this! She’s dad’s GF not stepmother. My brother’s GF used to say her adult DC were my parent’s GC drove me insane.

FrecklesMalone · 28/02/2022 07:32

Obviously it's a bit of a twatish move. However, there's no point saying anything. I would be doing anything to stay on the good side of any other adults in .y children's life's. They have such a lot of time with them that they want them to have as good a relationship as possible and this means sucking up some bullshit sometimes.

Player001 · 28/02/2022 07:34

@avamiah

xxxx

Mumoblue · 28/02/2022 07:37

“Nearly a year” is nothing. My ex had a girlfriend of nearly a year, pulled the same shit, (even though they were mostly long distance and she never met my son) - was talking about how she wanted to be an “involved stepmother” and she wanted to spoil our son.
Aaaand they split up the other day. Luckily my son is too young to have noticed any of it.

It’s frustrating but there’s not much you can do. You could say that she might be your DCs stepmother one day but for the moment she’s daddy’s girlfriend and they don’t have to call her or think of her as a stepmother.

DisorganisedAlways · 28/02/2022 07:38

They've been together a year so I'd hardly say 'stepmother'. That's far too soon.
I think a big issue is also the fact that your children were staying at his house but he was refusing to give you his address for 6 months. I wouldn't have them staying unless I knew where they were.
I'd continue to call her by her name or 'dads partner' etc because that's what she is. I may have a work with him though if they're feeling pressure to call her mum, and her mum 'grandma' etc. because that isn't fair at all on them.

QuirkyTurtle · 28/02/2022 07:57

Neither of them sound like prizes to be honest but if they've been together for over a year and live together, why is it strange she considers herself a stepmother? Do they NEED to have the government's agreement first? Maybe they don't plan on marrying.

I'm not yet married to my SO but my stepson's mother called me stepmum before I did. She's not planning on ever marrying her partner but we call him stepdad.

MamaBye · 28/02/2022 08:05

Well that’s a totally and utterly different situation to a woman who sees the child every other weekend and has known them for a year, having been told this woman’s mum was her grandma on meeting her.

It is different, but it is relevant because some people on this thread are using the argument that step-mothers need to be married to the father, which doesn't just apply to this situation. If it's about the length of time or their role in parenting, they could use that line or argument, not the marriage one