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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex’s gf calling herself stepmother

91 replies

Anomonda · 27/02/2022 21:27

My 5yo said yesterday that ‘Missy’, daddy’s gf, has told her she’s her stepmother. They’ve been together a bit over a year and have lived together most of that, she’s his 2nd girlfriend since our split in mid-2020 although first was probably just a fling. Split is still acrimonious, ex would prefer me not to exist regardless of being their mother. I know I don’t need to be informed about stuff but I get nothing. When he moved in with this gf a few months after we split I was informed by the kids, he also wouldn’t give me his address for 6 months and they stay with him EOW! The kids were told the gf’s mother is ‘Grandma’ literally since ex moved in with the gf. These are just a couple of examples of many things I consider to be … I don’t even know what to say here… weird? out of order?… but mainly confusing for the kids? They’re only 5 and 3. I’m sure people are going to say get over it because at some point it’s going to happen anyway and I can’t raise it with him because I’ll just get abuse back. AIBU to be a bit shocked and think it’s weird and unnecessary for the gf to have instigated this?

OP posts:

onreee · 28/02/2022 12:53

@Kanaloa

Well actually that would make a step mum. If someone married your dad (after 6 weeks or 6 days) they’d be your step mum. I still wouldn’t like it because it would be ridiculously rushed (as it sounds like this relationship was) but the person would be the step mum.

Not in any meaningful way so I'm not sure what the point is. In name, yes, but that's not the criteria for being a SM. Like others say it's the actual role you play.

We can probably both agree she's not a SM in this case though

BoredZelda · 28/02/2022 13:47

And one of those individuals (the mother of the child) isn’t happy with it.

She isn’t one of the individuals. The partner, the ex, the kids, they get to decide.

Moving a woman in after a few months of knowing her then insisting her mum is grandma and she’s your stepmum doesn’t scream of having the kids best interests at heart.

Interesting how you’ve jumped to that conclusion with such scant detail.

Unless you’d all happily move a man in after a few months and tell the kids he’s their new stepdad?

I’m not one of the individuals who get to make the decision in this scenario. But if my husband did this, I’d just explain to my daughter she can use whatever label she feels comfortable with, which would be the case no matter how long the relationship was. What the partner chooses to call themselves is up to them. No skin off my nose. I’d rather that than a new partner taking no interest in my child whatsoever.

BoredZelda · 28/02/2022 13:51

Here's a scenario.....

You mean, “here’s a hugely unlikely scenario which depends on a mum calling someone at just the right moment”

Plus, the police are pretty good at finding out where people live if they need to. Hell, I could probably find it out with some details the OP is likely to have.

Legoisthebest · 28/02/2022 14:11

BoredZelda I really don't know what to say...
You are happy to have zero clue where your children are?

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 14:12

@Legoisthebest

BoredZelda I really don't know what to say... You are happy to have zero clue where your children are?

If you take your kids away for the weekend do you give your ex all the details on where you're staying and the trips you've got planned?

Legoisthebest · 28/02/2022 14:17

girlmom I don't have an ex (happily married) but if we were separated and I was going away for the weekend then yes I would tell him where we were going and he would do the same for me.

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 14:19

@Legoisthebest

girlmom I don't have an ex (happily married) but if we were separated and I was going away for the weekend then yes I would tell him where we were going and he would do the same for me.

Even if you deeply disliked each other like the OP and her ex? Of course you wouldn't.

Do you text your husband exactly where you are every time you take the kids out?
If you stop of at McDonald's after a trip to the zoo do you let him know that too?

If he is responsible enough for contact he's responsible enough to ensure his children are safe.

Original poster

Anomonda · 28/02/2022 14:21

If I go away anywhere he knows where we are and what we’re doing anyway because he video calls the kids and there not much to a conversation with children that age apart from to say what they’ve been doing/are about to do. I don’t get to call them on his weekends so I don’t know what they’re doing and I’ve got used to that. However if I moved I’m pretty sure there’d be a bit of a stink if I didn’t say where we lived….

OP posts:

Legoisthebest · 28/02/2022 14:26

No girlmom that's not what I meant. I don't mean I would have to know every little detail about going to the supermarket followed by a Maccyds and a run around the park but knowing the address of the home they are in is a basic piece of information.
And a simple "I'm going to take the kids to the seaside this weekend and we will be at X hotel if you need to contact us" is just good manners.

Iwouldratherbemuckingout · 28/02/2022 14:31

I have a different perspective on this. I did not marry my DP, and he argued till he was blue in the face I wasn’t the boys step mum as we werent married. As far as the boys were concerned I was, it helped them understand family dynamics, gave me a clear role (to them) and was important for their sense of stability. This evolved over time but definitely by the time we lived together.

Legoisthebest · 28/02/2022 14:31

Apologies Anomonda your thread has got a bit de-railed.

TroublesomeTrucks · 28/02/2022 14:33

DH and I have been together for nearly 12 years and I have definitely been stepmother to his daughters for longer than the 5 years we've been married. They called my parents by their first names to begin with but started using the names our sons use for them of their own accord after the boys were born. Our sons have also asked DH's XW to be their stepmother!

Noseyparker36 · 28/02/2022 14:41

So for whagvifs worth I have been married to DH for 4 years been with him 10 yrs in total. He has a DD and a DS. I was shopping with DD years ago and she referred to me as her sister! And I simply responded I don't think i'd pass as your sister but at the very least I'd maybe be your step mother but call me whatever you want...this was about a year before we married. She went home told her mum that I said that I was her step-mum.

We got a ton of abuse from the kids mum and her sister about it. How ill never be their step mum I'm just their dad's gf ...blah blah blah. We'll here I am, married to their dad and legally a step mother. Nothing can be done about it.

Why does it annoy you so much? Why is bit consuming your brain?

Explain the difference to your child so they can understand. also, were they upset about it?

If he married can they then call her step-mum or should he remain single so it never crops up?

Kanaloa · 28/02/2022 14:51

@BoredZelda

I haven’t jumped to that conclusion. OP says the girlfriend was moved in after only a few months.

However I’m glad you’d be happy with it. For me I personally wouldn’t. And if the situation was reversed I certainly wouldn’t move a man I’d been dating a few months into the house and tell my kids his parents were now their grandparents.

Kanaloa · 28/02/2022 14:53

And it’s just silly to assume that asking to know where your children are living is akin to demanding that the other parent details every time they stop at a McDonald’s. I think very few of us would merrily wave off our two small children with absolutely no clue where they would be living.

RedWingBoots · 28/02/2022 15:52

OP you wouldn't do the same because you are responsible parent and wouldn't swoop down to his level of shitty parenting behaviour.

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