Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Making my teen girl do her room

85 replies

Kyiv · 27/02/2022 13:51

Just that, really?

Back to school tomorrow, told her all half term that she had to do her room. She chose instead to ignore it until the last minute, despite regular reminders. She said she's not a baby and she can manage her own time. I said fine, that'll be the case then until Sunday, when you'll absolutely have to do it if you haven't already. Lots of eye rolling, huffing, but that was the deal.

Sunday. She's not done a damn thing. I told her to do it. She reeled in disbelief because she HAD. MADE. PLANS and I don't understand her or her life etc etc. Her friends are coming to knock for her and they're going out. I said no, that's not happening and that she would be staying in to tidy her room.

Fucking MELTDOWN! Screaming about how I don't understand her, she needs to be with people who do, it's her room, she can organise her stuff however the hell she wants, she's not cleaning to my standards, when SHE says it's clean, it is CLEAN, and that's when she's going out.

She half heartedly pushed crap into drawers, rubbish into corners and then said she was done. I said she wasn't. She sent me a message then telling me I was horrible and that I was keeping her prisoner and she hates this house etc.

Aibu to still tell her she can finish her room and I'm not having this attitude just because she's been asked to do something and can't actually manage her own time at all

OP posts:
IhateHSBC · 27/02/2022 13:53

YANBU. If you let her go this time, she will behave the same way again. I would sit firm and tell her she can go out once she has tidied her room properly.

What age is she?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2022 13:58

What needs doing? What’s she usually like about doing it? If it’s a real tip, she knows what needs doing and she’s had fair warning then hold the line. She’ll keep taking the piss if you let her. But is it that bad?

Blackalice · 27/02/2022 13:58

I let my teens have their rooms hoe they like. It's their private space and nothing to do with me. If it was a communal room they had messed up then I totally get it, but I don't understand why people try to control their teens' private space and would ruin their relationship with them over it.

AlexaShutUp · 27/02/2022 13:58

I would pick your battles, personally. As long as it isn't a health hazard, does it really matter if her room is a mess? It's her room...

weltenbummler · 27/02/2022 13:59

You have given her plenty of warning plus reminders which she has chosen to ignore. Stand firm . If you give in now you are teaching her that she can ride roughshod over house rules.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 27/02/2022 14:00

When she goes out go take her phone charger..
When she comes home and her room is tidy she gets it back.
Ime grounding a teen is cutting off your nose to spite your face..

Yeahbutnotreally · 27/02/2022 14:00

@AlexaShutUp

I would pick your battles, personally. As long as it isn't a health hazard, does it really matter if her room is a mess? It's her room...
^I agree.

It is annoying and frustrating for you but, if she wants to live in a tip, let her.

Sometimeswinning · 27/02/2022 14:00

My dd12 was told if she wanted her pm transfered to her account she'd have to clean her room before going out. She has no money. I wouldn't stop her going out to be fair.

AchillesPoirot · 27/02/2022 14:02

Why does she have to do it?

As long as she brings health hazard rubbish out is leave her to it

Original poster
Kyiv · 27/02/2022 14:02

She is almost 15 and it really is that bad. Cups found under her bed full of mould, her school lunchbox shoved in a drawer, not emptied 🤢

Mounds of rubbish stuffed down the side of her bed, clean and dirty laundry mixed and strewn across the floor, wet towel muddled in with it, chocolate bar melted on the windowsill, ash from incense sticks everywhere.....

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 27/02/2022 14:05

Let her go out. When she’s gone go and clear her room of all her favourite things, when she returns tell her ‘you wouldn’t clean your room so I did it for you’, sit back and wait for the cries when she realises everything has gone into a bin bag 😬.

I rarely touch my DC’s room but when I do I pre warn them….’anything left lying around will be going in a bin bag’.

Original poster
Kyiv · 27/02/2022 14:06

Literally you can barely open the door and it reeks in there. By contrast, my 14 yo sons room is quite neat and clean. I am happy to let them have their own space and they're decorated to their own taste, but I will not let her stuff everything down the side of the bed, leave food going mouldy, cups going mouldy, filthy paint water everywhere, smeared makeup across her mirrors, wet, fousty smelling towels etc, dirty clothing mixed with clean.... it's absolutely vile. Like a squat. I'm not exaggerating, because I am far from being a clean freak

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 27/02/2022 14:06

@Kyiv

She is almost 15 and it really is that bad. Cups found under her bed full of mould, her school lunchbox shoved in a drawer, not emptied 🤢

Mounds of rubbish stuffed down the side of her bed, clean and dirty laundry mixed and strewn across the floor, wet towel muddled in with it, chocolate bar melted on the windowsill, ash from incense sticks everywhere.....

OK, that isn't acceptable.

Can you compromise? Tell get that she needs to get rid of stuff that will go mouldy etc but you won't nag her about the rest?

Sounds like she is completely overwhelmed by the mess and doesn't know where to start. Does she need help sorting it out? Might she be depressed? Ordinary teenage mess is one thing but mouldy food can't be nice for her. Also, how does she find clean clothes if they're all mixed up?

YvanEhtNiojYvanEhtNioj · 27/02/2022 14:07

@Kyiv

She is almost 15 and it really is that bad. Cups found under her bed full of mould, her school lunchbox shoved in a drawer, not emptied 🤢

Mounds of rubbish stuffed down the side of her bed, clean and dirty laundry mixed and strewn across the floor, wet towel muddled in with it, chocolate bar melted on the windowsill, ash from incense sticks everywhere.....

Yuck. That is a bloody health hazard. Why did you let her get it into that state? You should have forced her to clean it months (years?) ago.

Take her phone away from her until it's clean.

forrestgreen · 27/02/2022 14:07

I set a basic low standard of no food in your room, all pots downstairs etc.
that I wouldn't suddenly be washing a whole load of dirty stuff she'd 'found'.
Uniform must be put on hangers/clean etc.

Others than that I wouldn't be bothered. But I'd invite her friends in frequently. They're the people with influence.

A580Hojas · 27/02/2022 14:09

As the owner of a couple of teens, I would say give her these 3 rules

  1. You won't be re-washing clean washing, so it's up to her to keep it separate from dirty washing.
  1. No cups, plates or glasses left up there for more than a couple of days. When they come down she rinses and puts them in dishwasher.
  1. Absolutely no rubbish or recycling to be left hidden up there. Give her a waste bin with a liner and tell her she must use it and empty it regularly.

All that will take her about 5 minutes a week. The rest of it is up to her.

Original poster
Kyiv · 27/02/2022 14:10

She's done marginally above the bare minimum and I've let her go out until 4pm when she must come back and finish it without massive drama. She walked up to her friends and very audibly said "lets go somewhere away from this bitch."

All because I asked her to do something and wouldn't budge until she did the very minimum I expected! All she's done is clear the rubbish and the disgusting food etc. All her clothes are still strewn everywhere and all the makeup and filthy paint water is still there, splashed everywhere. I spent a lot of money to decorate her room exactly how she wanted and she treats it and me with zero respect

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 27/02/2022 14:11

Wow. I would go in whilst she's out with a black bin bag and literally put everything she owns in it and put it somewhere she can't find it. And I would ground her/take her phone for the 'bitch' comment.

Avarua · 27/02/2022 14:12

She really WANTS this fight.
Don't play that game. Don't fight.

Make it easy for her to do it. Leave a Bin bag, the vacuum and a box for dishes outside her door.

itsnotdeep · 27/02/2022 14:13

I don't bother either. Only rule is no food in the rooms. I don't see my girls' rooms as they're in the attic and if I glance into ds's room, I shut the door on the mess.

Every so often I go and get towels out of their rooms (because contrary to what my dcs think, they don't have legs). But other than that - their mess.

Original poster
Kyiv · 27/02/2022 14:13

Why did you let her get it into that state? You should have forced her to clean it months (years?) ago.

Ah yes. My fault, obviously. 🙄

Trying to let her have her independence and her say on her own space. She was reminded constantly to clean it. I don't tend to let food in the bedroom, she's been sneaking it in, hence why all under and down the side of the bed.

I've got more than enough to do here without having to hold her hand to tidy her room when she knows damn well how to do it. She's old enough to know better, she is just horribly stubborn and thinks she knows it all. I actually don't even go in her room very much, it's her space.

Clean clothes, I wash what she brings down and I give them back to her to take up and put away.

OP posts:
IhateHSBC · 27/02/2022 14:13

I wouldn't be letting her go out with her friends if she speaks like that within your earshot. She owes you an apology.

I wouldn't have let her go anyway, until she'd done what you asked. You're the parent and at age 15 she needs some boundaries. Easier said than done I know.

WinterIsAlwaysComing · 27/02/2022 14:14

I think YANBU at all. Cleaning is a life skill, and keeping your environment clean is a very good habit for general life organisation and for her mental well-being.

My dds are 9 and 12 and they know they are to put clean worn clothes back on hangers and hang them up, and put dirty clothes in the laundry basket, rubbish in the bin etc. it's not rocket science.

iRun2eatCake · 27/02/2022 14:22

@Kyiv

She is almost 15 and it really is that bad. Cups found under her bed full of mould, her school lunchbox shoved in a drawer, not emptied 🤢

Mounds of rubbish stuffed down the side of her bed, clean and dirty laundry mixed and strewn across the floor, wet towel muddled in with it, chocolate bar melted on the windowsill, ash from incense sticks everywhere.....

My 14 DS room is the same.

I don't go in it at all. He is responsible for his own laundry too.

Honestly - l don't like it at all but if he wants to live like that it's his problem.

floatsomeandjetsum · 27/02/2022 14:22

I don't have teenage kids yet but I think I would;

  • make your expectations clear, eg no dirty crockery, lunch boxes.
  • accept she'll only be with you for another 3 years or so
  • give her her privacy and respect her space
  • let her realise what it's like to live in a shithole. Does she clean it if she has friends over?
  • don't do any washing unless she brings it down to you, or does it herself
  • let her have no clean lunchbox to put her lunch in. She'll soon learn she can't leave it like that

I think that's what I'd do anyway, mainly let her make her own mistakes. Don't try and control her but don't bail her out if her behaviour causes her problems.