Making my teen girl do her room

[Kyiv]

Just that, really?

Back to school tomorrow, told her all half term that she had to do her room. She chose instead to ignore it until the last minute, despite regular reminders. She said she's not a baby and she can manage her own time. I said fine, that'll be the case then until Sunday, when you'll absolutely have to do it if you haven't already. Lots of eye rolling, huffing, but that was the deal.

Sunday. She's not done a damn thing. I told her to do it. She reeled in disbelief because she HAD. MADE. PLANS and I don't understand her or her life etc etc. Her friends are coming to knock for her and they're going out. I said no, that's not happening and that she would be staying in to tidy her room.

Fucking MELTDOWN! Screaming about how I don't understand her, she needs to be with people who do, it's her room, she can organise her stuff however the hell she wants, she's not cleaning to my standards, when SHE says it's clean, it is CLEAN, and that's when she's going out.

She half heartedly pushed crap into drawers, rubbish into corners and then said she was done. I said she wasn't. She sent me a message then telling me I was horrible and that I was keeping her prisoner and she hates this house etc.

Aibu to still tell her she can finish her room and I'm not having this attitude just because she's been asked to do something and can't actually manage her own time at all

'She is almost 15 and it really is that bad. Cups found under her bed full of mould, her school lunchbox shoved in a drawer, not emptied 🤢

Mounds of rubbish stuffed down the side of her bed, clean and dirty laundry mixed and strewn across the floor, wet towel muddled in with it, chocolate bar melted on the windowsill, ash from incense sticks everywhere.....'
Do we have the same daughter??

@Dollygirl2008

I saw a tip on here ages ago about this. Get some Uncle Bens wild rice - the black bits - and pop just a few bits around the room. It looks like mouse droppings.....

That should do the trick!!

That's bloody genius!

I would be pulling any support, laundry, lifts, favours, phone bills, pocket money, for the bitch comment.

I'd punish for calling me a bitch rather than the room.Totally unacceptable and I'd come down on my ds hard for that.

Consistency is key here and separate tasks so it's not overwhelming. Everytime she goes upstairs "bring your cups down when you are next coming down" everytime until cups are down. Chip away at it gently but firmly and she will do it and it will become a habit eventually. Its important if it's really not just mess but hoarding and a health hazard that she learns that looking after her room and her own private space is actually self care not a chore. Buy a nice houseplant for her room or windowsill. Caring for and having responsibility for something else is useful.

@Kyiv

She's done marginally above the bare minimum and I've let her go out until 4pm when she must come back and finish it without massive drama. She walked up to her friends and very audibly said "lets go somewhere away from this bitch."

All because I asked her to do something and wouldn't budge until she did the very minimum I expected! All she's done is clear the rubbish and the disgusting food etc. All her clothes are still strewn everywhere and all the makeup and filthy paint water is still there, splashed everywhere. I spent a lot of money to decorate her room exactly how she wanted and she treats it and me with zero respect

She'd be losing her phone/internet or allowance for calling me a bitch.

In fact, she'd have been called back and grounded if she were mine. Beyond unacceptable.

When she comes back, if necessary you supervise, but that room must be clean and acceptably tidy before bed. And she won't get the phone back unless it's done.

Then new ground rules/schedules for the future.

And a long talk about respect (for you, your home, her room and the possession you no doubt pay for)

@MrsBerthaRochester

This sounds exactly like my dd. Her room stinks. She just doesnt care. When I allow friends over she will half heartedly bin some rubbish and hide dirty stuff in drawers. I have done the bin bag thing and gone and thrown everything out. She just doesnt care. Its more annoying as I gave her my room and I now sleep on the couch.

Well, for goodness sake, take it back!

Where did she sleep before?

If my daughter called me a bitch she would currently be in her mouldy, rancid bedroom, not out with her friends.
EVERYTHING teens do is about testing the boundaries and she just learnt that this language /treatment of you is ok.

You could be describing my DD’s room. Right down to the paint water and incense ash.

She went out this morning and I collected 12 coke cans, 3 mugs and a plate, plus a bag of rubbish she had at least bagged up. I opened the window.

There are clothes everywhere. Clean, dirty, stuff to sell, odd socks etc etc.

She has exams this year, so has spent the week working on school work, and I feel like I’m on egg-shells with all the GCSE stress, but equally living in complete squalor is hardly conducive to a good working environment. I would dearly love to take a half day off work and shove it all in a bin bag, but I need her focus to be on school, not her anger with me. Roll on the end of June.

One of my daughters called me a bitch, once. I didn't need to ground her, or punish her. I told her calmly that she is never to call me a bitch ever again. She hasn't done.

(I caught her coming in at 3am last night for a curfew of 12, so it's not all good).

And you let her walk out after the bitch comment?

Like fuck would I have that from anyone never mind my own child. Get up there with a bin bag and dispose of everything. If she can't keep it clean it obviously doesn't matter to her so just bin it all. And yes she absolutely DOES need to keep it up to your standard in YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.

I'm actually furious on your behalf OP. Who the hell does she think she is? Spoilt, entitled little madam.

I'd have sent her straight back and told her to bloody stay there until she can be a civil human being and she'd have fuck all in the way of tech until she learned some manners. I'd not have dared speak to my mother like that, I'd have been walloped into next week and grounded indefinitely.

When she gets home, take her phone and tell her she can earn it back by apologising to you, cleaning her room and sorting the attitude problem. If she can't keep her private space clean then she wouldn't have one. Take the bloody door off if that's what it takes.

I think this is really normal for that age, don’t bag up her stuff, don’t be too hard on her! I would offer to help with the room this time, put some music on and blitz it together.

@TempName01

I think this is really normal for that age, don’t bag up her stuff, don’t be too hard on her! I would offer to help with the room this time, put some music on and blitz it together.

Normal?

In what world? I appreciate I am considerably older but I would most definitely have been knocked into next week by my mild-mannered father (who never raised a hand to me) if I'd called my mother a bitch.

None of my children's rooms were EVER in that state (untidy yes, squalid, no) and food wasn't allowed in them anyway. Nor would they ever have called me a bitch (in my presence).

After an apology I might supervise and suggest ideas and methods but I'd be buggered if I'd make a party out of it

My room was similar at that age TBH 😬

Both my DD’s are untidy, both have ASD which makes things even trickier. However they do bring their washing down when asked and will tidy up if I instruct them, If dd2 refuses then I threaten to go in with the bin bag.

My room was always a state too, being yelled at never compelled me to tidy it, it would just make me more stubborn.

I’m not saying the behaviour is good by the way just that it sounds like typical teenager.

Being called a bitch in this house would mean phone contract cancelled, no wifi, room contents in bin bag. And that would be just the start.

This is a battle I choose not to fight.
Dd (17) her room is a right mess. I close the door on it. She will clear the floor so we can vacuum occasionally, and we have clamped down on taking food in there, so far she is complying with this. Other than that it's a mess. My sister was the same, once she got her own place she made a complete U turn and was very fussy.

My teens always lived in a mess, but one thing I was rigid on was that food and drink was never allowed in the bedrooms, so that crockery didn't just disappear up there never to emerge again. I also refused to rewash clothes that I knew hadn't been worn since the last wash. DD3 was the main culprit for that, and I just handed those straight back to her. She got the message eventually.

A chaotic bedroom I can cope with as I just shut the door (I am a "pick your battles" type usually). However, a stinky and rancid one as you describe I would find totally unacceptable too. I don't think I would have let her go out at all because she isn't even adhering to any basic standards.

I wouldn't permit the burning of incense or candles because they are such a huge fire hazard, and that has to be even worse in a shithole of a room. So I would ban those forthwith.

If I had ever heard any of my teenagers calling me a bitch as yours did then I would have called them straight back (yes, in front of their friends too) and grounded them immediately.

The teenage years are hard. Teenagers are boundary pushers. I am rather relieved to be all but through those years now, as my youngest is 19.

My dad would not have let me out on day 1 unless it was done, and every day after until it was done to his standard. His house, his rules!

Dd (same age) always has a messier room than I would like. But it’s messy not rancid. It gets to a certain state and then she’ll tidy it and the cycle continues. I’d step in if it’s in the state you described. My mum used to give me a set time to do it and anything not done was binned, I learned the hard way.

The way she spoke to you would be a confiscation of her devices. That is way worse than the state of her room imho.

The way I did it with dd was she got her pocket money/allowance sat midday. If her room wasn't clean and tidy at that point - no money

If she backchatted - grounded for one day

Kept pushing it - more days grounded, loss of pocket money, phone etc

Yes pick your battles but a room that isn't a health hazard is one of them!

She hasn't paid for any of the items in there and isn't the one who would have to pay to replace anything damaged as a a result of her laziness.

She's done marginally above the bare minimum and I've let her go out until 4pm when she must come back and finish it without massive drama. She walked up to her friends and very audibly said "lets go somewhere away from this bitch."

Sorry op but you're being an absolute pushover!

If my dd had spoken of/to me like that it would have been an instant 2 day grounding - no arguments

She was also already doing her own laundry at this stage following an argument re my apparently washing the wrong school jumper which looked to me exactly identical to the other in the laundry!

Grounded here meant home and school only, no phone, no friends over, no personal screen time, early bedtime.

Dd was no angel but she wasn't half as bad as some!

She's 21 now and away at uni and much tidier than she was here, the younger flatmates are annoying her with their mess - karma!

But yea you have to have clear boundaries and certain behaviour is NEVER acceptable to let them away with.

You need to toughen up op

@WalkingOnTheCracks

I'd separate the issues...

Tidying the room - admin. Nag, persuade, enable, be persistent.

Calling you a bitch in front of friends - total no-no. Confiscation of phone, cutting off of money supply, removal of laptop, possibly crucifixion.

This. Be clear on what you're going nuclear on.

With bedroom tidying I tend to supply binbags etc, and time requests with stuff you are doing for them anyway. Could you go and blitz your room for 20 mins while I cook your diner, then we'll sit down and watch Apprentice. My parents left me to it and I'm still messy and an epic procrastinator, so I tend to err on the side of scaffolding still for my own DC.

Calling you a bitch?

Change the internet password
No pocket money.
No lifts etc.

I'd be Inclined to be a bit of a bitch.

She needs to apologise.

@TempName01

I think this is really normal for that age, don’t bag up her stuff, don’t be too hard on her! I would offer to help with the room this time, put some music on and blitz it together.

Really? I was her age once and never lived like that.