Making my teen girl do her room

[Kyiv]

Just that, really?

Back to school tomorrow, told her all half term that she had to do her room. She chose instead to ignore it until the last minute, despite regular reminders. She said she's not a baby and she can manage her own time. I said fine, that'll be the case then until Sunday, when you'll absolutely have to do it if you haven't already. Lots of eye rolling, huffing, but that was the deal.

Sunday. She's not done a damn thing. I told her to do it. She reeled in disbelief because she HAD. MADE. PLANS and I don't understand her or her life etc etc. Her friends are coming to knock for her and they're going out. I said no, that's not happening and that she would be staying in to tidy her room.

Fucking MELTDOWN! Screaming about how I don't understand her, she needs to be with people who do, it's her room, she can organise her stuff however the hell she wants, she's not cleaning to my standards, when SHE says it's clean, it is CLEAN, and that's when she's going out.

She half heartedly pushed crap into drawers, rubbish into corners and then said she was done. I said she wasn't. She sent me a message then telling me I was horrible and that I was keeping her prisoner and she hates this house etc.

Aibu to still tell her she can finish her room and I'm not having this attitude just because she's been asked to do something and can't actually manage her own time at all

I feel your pain - my DD is 16 and her room is exactly as you have described your daughter's.
I know this is bad - but I assumed my DD would be 'cleaner' than her brother!
Her room is also on the 3rd floor, which in hindsight, was the worse place to have teenagers' bedrooms!
I do go in her room regularly to collect washing / cups etc - I KNOW this is wrong but
a) I get to 'snoop'
b) it makes my life easier
c) I am picking my battles

Think she needs to start doing her own laundry. DS has to do his own now as he'd throw the clean stuff I'd hand him into the floor.

His problem now

You’re done the right thing if it’s that disgusting

I'd buy her a set of crockery - her plate, her bowl, her cup, her glass. No others allowed to go up to her room. That way if she takes it up then next time she wants anything she'll have to wash it.

If you're washing stuff you think is just sitting on the floor then coming back down then have her do her own washing.

One of mine was a bloody nightmate for a short while in their teens. A month of being resolute that they can live in whatever state they want, but they're not taking the household crockery because it's for everyone and they're not wasting my time with the washing combined with the fact that I don't let friends in if their rooms aren't tidy enough soon sorted it.

My only concern would be her lighting incense sticks.

@Lovemusic33

Let her go out. When she’s gone go and clear her room of all her favourite things, when she returns tell her ‘you wouldn’t clean your room so I did it for you’, sit back and wait for the cries when she realises everything has gone into a bin bag 😬.

I rarely touch my DC’s room but when I do I pre warn them….’anything left lying around will be going in a bin bag’.

My mum did this to me. She hid the bag in the garage and I thought she'd binned my trainers.

It worked. I was never really tidy but I did pick up stuff after that!

The room is bad enough, but calling you a bitch is not only disrespectful, but nasty.
My daughter's the same age and I avoid her room. But if I do go in there, it's always tidy, plus she helps out with chores for the rest of the house as well.
I don't think that's down to parenting, just her personality.
But if she ever treated me like that I'd be upset and angry. Your daughter is learning to be an adult and she needs to know that you can't get away with that behaviour in the real world.
I'd take something away like the phone and laptop for a specified period of time, not engage in an argument and just stick to it. I wouldn't even ask for an apology, she'll get the message there are consequences to acting that way.
If she's going to act like a child, treat her like one.

I currently have rid with DD13 minus the incense and the name calling.
We've recently moved house and I bought her brand new bedroom furniture for the first time and told her she needed to unpack and put away her own clothes books etc.
It's mostly still in boxes and bags on her floor. Where she's been Finding clean underwear from I don't know but she isn't putting anything in the wash and I think she's growing new strains of antibiotic in the many glasses left in her room.
I've given up

@GrazingSheep

My only concern would be her lighting incense sticks.

Seriously?? That would be your only concern. Interesting to see where others draw the line

@A580Hojas

As the owner of a couple of teens, I would say give her these 3 rules

1. You won't be re-washing clean washing, so it's up to her to keep it separate from dirty washing.

1. No cups, plates or glasses left up there for more than a couple of days. When they come down she rinses and puts them in dishwasher.

1. Absolutely no rubbish or recycling to be left hidden up there. Give her a waste bin with a liner and tell her she must use it and empty it regularly.

All that will take her about 5 minutes a week. The rest of it is up to her.

I have teen girls too and I think this is exactly the right approach. You may wish to get her to do her own washing soon too. Put in basic boundaries but otherwise choose your battles.

I haven't been in my dd's room for a year or more. She is older than yours though.

Every so often, even she gets sick of the state of it and tidies it up. I refrain from commenting.

The recycling bin will be full of fizzy drinks bottles & cans, and umpteen crisp packets. A giant mound of laundry appears on the floor outside her door. There it stays until she puts it in the washing machine. She knows how it works, so she can get on with it.

As a teen I didn't clean my room when my mum asked me. In fairness a few times. Visiting my dad for the weekend she emptied it. The whole room. Told me she had binned it. I was mortified. Turns out she had black bagged the lot and I had to earn back items. Over a period of several weeks. I did tidy my room in future!

I saw a tip on here ages ago about this. Get some Uncle Bens wild rice - the black bits - and pop just a few bits around the room. It looks like mouse droppings.....

That should do the trick!!

I was thinking about this only this morning. Back in the 1970s, my mum used to nag me about my room. Now I keep that whole house immaculate for my widowed father. Don't worry, OP, she'll get the idea eventually.

I'd separate the issues...

Tidying the room - admin. Nag, persuade, enable, be persistent.

Calling you a bitch in front of friends - total no-no. Confiscation of phone, cutting off of money supply, removal of laptop, possibly crucifixion.

I get my DD to give her room a tidy once a week, usually coinciding with us about to do something nice so I say "we're not doing it until your room is tidy". I also insist she tidies it if a friend is coming over as I don't think it's very welcoming for her friend to go into a room that's a tip. Also I hate finding things just thrown on the floor they can get lost or broken so it's important to me that she keeps it at a reasonable level. If certainty leave her to it if I felt I could trust her to tidy it

I remember my usually cool, calm collected Mum screaming that I was a slut about my room when I was that age. I was stunned. Poor woman reached her limit 😳

I have always had a clean and tidy home as an adult. It’s just what teenagers do, filthy buggers.

Calling you a bitch is totally out of line though.

Bollocks to that. I'd be cutting off money and phone until she understands the rules:

1. No disrespectful language. No way would I be called a bitch.

1. She can have her phone back when that room shines. It's YOUR house. When she pays the bills she can live like a pig.

I thought her room would just be clothes all over the place, but mould and ash everywhere? No way am I accepting that.
I'd make her clean it, and not let her go out even if she does because her attitude stinks.

Also I would not let her burn incense in her room that is just unacceptable. A huge fire hazard!!

This bothered me about my DDs bedrooms and then one of my dearest friends said, it’s theirs, it’s their space, close the door.
And little by little they are showing pride, but more importantly they knew it was all down to them. If they didn’t like the mess…up to them to sort it. If they wanted friends over and were embarrassed…up to them, and so on.
It’s a long game though.

My child calling me a bitch to her friends in my presence would constitute a boundary crossing that I would not be prepared to tolerate. You deserve a very basic level of respect. Rather than further negotiating with her please consider removing a privilege (phone, pocket money, WiFi access ?) which she has to earn back. An apology from her is the absolute minimum- plus stipulate a minimum standard for her room that she needs to demonstrate from now on

Honestly - l don't like it at all but if he wants to live like that it's his problem.

But issues like mould can cause damage to the walls and furniture. It won't just be his problem if you end up with mould-stained walls and ruined carpets.

This sounds exactly like my dd. Her room stinks. She just doesnt care. When I allow friends over she will half heartedly bin some rubbish and hide dirty stuff in drawers.
I have done the bin bag thing and gone and thrown everything out. She just doesnt care.
Its more annoying as I gave her my room and I now sleep on the couch.

Wow to calling you a bitch. Is that a frequent occurrence? That’s awful.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Wow to calling you a bitch. Is that a frequent occurrence? That’s awful.

Never heard her say it before, though accept it could be what she calls me all the time to her friends!