Making my teen girl do her room

[Kyiv]

Just that, really?

Back to school tomorrow, told her all half term that she had to do her room. She chose instead to ignore it until the last minute, despite regular reminders. She said she's not a baby and she can manage her own time. I said fine, that'll be the case then until Sunday, when you'll absolutely have to do it if you haven't already. Lots of eye rolling, huffing, but that was the deal.

Sunday. She's not done a damn thing. I told her to do it. She reeled in disbelief because she HAD. MADE. PLANS and I don't understand her or her life etc etc. Her friends are coming to knock for her and they're going out. I said no, that's not happening and that she would be staying in to tidy her room.

Fucking MELTDOWN! Screaming about how I don't understand her, she needs to be with people who do, it's her room, she can organise her stuff however the hell she wants, she's not cleaning to my standards, when SHE says it's clean, it is CLEAN, and that's when she's going out.

She half heartedly pushed crap into drawers, rubbish into corners and then said she was done. I said she wasn't. She sent me a message then telling me I was horrible and that I was keeping her prisoner and she hates this house etc.

Aibu to still tell her she can finish her room and I'm not having this attitude just because she's been asked to do something and can't actually manage her own time at all

@Hopefulsunrise

Consistency is key here and separate tasks so it's not overwhelming. Everytime she goes upstairs "bring your cups down when you are next coming down" everytime until cups are down. Chip away at it gently but firmly and she will do it and it will become a habit eventually. Its important if it's really not just mess but hoarding and a health hazard that she learns that looking after her room and her own private space is actually self care not a chore. Buy a nice houseplant for her room or windowsill. Caring for and having responsibility for something else is useful.

I've been wasting my breath for three years with this. Honestly.

My teenager wouldn't be seeing his friends for a long time if he called me that.

I think you need to take charge of this. Two things:

1. the state of her room and
2. calling you a bitch

for 1: frankly at this stage i'd go in with 2 bin bags: 1 for the rubbish, 1 for anything i could grab that has value to her. On this one occasion I'd get all the crockery out and wash it.
Rubbish bag in the rubbish bin. Bag of "valuables" would be locked away somewhere, car boot, garage, somewhere she can't get her hands on it.

When she comes back you outline the rules again: you aren't going to tidy, no laundry service and if she puts any crockery in the room, no more cooking until it comes back

2. Change the wifi, grounded for a day (next Saturday) and it extends for every day she doesn't apologise

As for the future state of her room? Just ignore it. Don't go in there but don't let her have her friends in their either.

She got in at 4. I changed the WiFi password, told her it's not being given to her until her room is sparkling clean. She is currently laid on her bed, staring at the ceiling and dramatically sighing every few minutes, so loud that everyone in the house can hear her. Dh has told her that this if she'd be ashamed to have it showcased on the social media app she tends to live on, she'd better clean it up fast. She's still not moved.

Hi, @Kyiv -

The real story is in your drip feed, particularly your DD audibly referring to you as a bitch to her friends. But also that her room is a disaster area and needs much more than a tidy.

Good on you for finally putting your foot down. But why did it take so long, and why is there no mention that she must apologise to you? She was insulting you to your face. (IMO what she says about you in truly private circs is not your concern.)

Recently there was a thread from a stressed mum who seemed to be reacting too personally to her 13 y.o.’s thoughtlessness with the hot water. But your DD is trying very hard to engage you and you are ignoring the personal aspect (as far as we know).

Do it. Post photos on social media of how disgusting it is and tag her. Shame her in front of her friends. Never mind the WiFi, take the phone off her. If she won't give it up, take the charger. The data and cocky attitude only lasts as long as the battery.

When she returns snd on a day you are both in a reasonable mood, and there's a couple hours free, why not say 'tell you what, I know tidying is a pain, so let's do your room together'. Hopefully she will accept. Afterwards, all clean and tidy, laundry on, say something like 'it feels so much better to have a clean space, do you think you can keep it like this'? It probably will sink into a mess again, but instead of getting in to another shouting match, tell her it's a matter of respect for herself and respect for you and her father who pay for everything. If that gets you nowhere, stop doing anything - not her laundry or whatever. Leave her to it - you helped, showed her how, but if she really won't help herself let her wallow in her own filth.

You're doing the right things OP.

I'd have gone nuclear about the calling me a bitch to look good in front of her friends. I think I might have gone nuclear there and then and forcibly dragged her back from going out with her friends.

She thinks you're a bitch, well show her what a bitch you can be when you're angry and make her life hell for being a horrible disrespectful brat.

Unfortunately with some girls it's a real battle of wills to see who cracks first. By the time she was 20 my DD1 was nice again, but it was very difficult getting there, her know it all attitude got her into a few serious pickles on the way. Guess who she needed to help and support her every time it went tits up? The long suffering mother. Never had the problems with DD2 thank goodness.
She'll get bored of sighing dramatically at some point, whatever you do, do not back down, it'll be worse next time if you do and this is a battle of wills you must win.

Just close the door,
Don't sweat the small stuff.
There are many many things that a teen can do much worse than have an untidy bedroom.

@AlexaShutUp

I would pick your battles, personally. As long as it isn't a health hazard, does it really matter if her room is a mess? It's her room...

I agree with this.