Siblings given opportunities I didn't.

[Userno36372846]

I know situations etc change. I'm oldest of 4. Dm had me and db and neither of us knew our dads so neither of us ever had a dad around. Dm then re married and had 2 more kids, sisters with stepdad. I'm early thirties, sisters 16 & 19 ish.

I will probably get told to get over myself but can't help feel a little emotional and crap.

When I left school, I really wanted to do a specific course at college around photography as it really interested. I did fairly well in school academically but did not really enjoy the academic side. I was heavily discouraged by family into not doing photography as it wouldn't get me anywhere according to them and they couldn't afford the camera, equipment etc. Neither could they afford the bus pass to college and said I'd have to pay for it myself which I would have done. I worked from a young age and saved ££. They then said I'd never manage the bus trip etc. They never built my confidence. I ended up doing a levels at local sixth form which I bloody hated. Horrific 2 years in my younger years, feel like they were a waste of time and didn't enjoy it at all, courses were limited there too. Wish I went to college.

Never went to uni, didn't do that great in sixth form, lost interest and didn't get predicted grades. Plus family discouraged uni saying I wouldn't manage being away and they couldn't afford it.

I'm not one for over pushing your kids but I feel encouragement should be given. I was never encouraged to fulfill my dreams. So much so I don't have any career now - also have 2 kids so that doesn't make it easy.

My siblings, have been allowed to do what they want. One of them did the photography course I always wanted to do and my dm is always boasting about how good they are at it. Bought all the fancy stuff and everything. Now off to uni.

Other sibling is doing an art course at college too. I was heavily discouraged from this too.

I'll probably be told I need to get over myself as a 30 year old woman with 2 kids with a long term partner, own my own house etc. I am doing okay.

But I feel a sense of resentment. That I was never given the same opportunities. You would assume it's a stepdad issue but he's actually really generous, it's more my mum. I seem to be the black sheep and this is not the only issue.

I had to work from a young age to pay for everything else I wouldn't have it. My 19 year old sister has never worked but gets the latest iPhones, designer clothes, expensive make up.I moved out at her age whilst she getting everything dished out on a plate.

Even with my brother (a little younger than me) he gets everything.

I'm ashamed to say it but I'm a little green eyed tbh! And I'm not usually a jealous person!

Imo in the long run you will excel anyway. Just at different things.
Yanbu to be miffed though. My dm didn't care if I went to school or not. I achieved not a thing academically. My dc are supported well at school.. They are aiming big.

I think the different financial situations given your age gaps is some what understandable.

But, the lack of encouragement and care for your future was unacceptable and you’re valid to feel as you do.

Family situations change. Especially with age gaps.

You don't know your mum's situation then though. She had two DC as a single mum, and probably had all the stresses and lack of resources/finance that often goes hand in hand with that.

She probably wanted to do all those things for you but through lack of time/money/just single parent exhaustion, couldn't do it for you and your brother.

She's in a very different scenario now. Should she deliberately deprive the younger children just so they are given the same (lack of) opportunity?

It's not fair, but it's not necessarily her fault.

Families change. Finances change. Attitudes change. It can be hard if you feel your life was more difficult but none of this was done to spite you.

The fact you were discouraged and didn't ever pursue photography in the intervening years points to it not being a passion or vocation for you. You could pick it up now if you're still interested in it.

Lots of people (myself included) worked through uni or college to pay for stuff. It's not that uncommon. The fact it deterred you implies you weren't ready for it then. But you could go back to photography as an interest now.

It sounds like your mums' financial situation has changed dramatically since you were at school.

Is it possible that she didn't want to encourage you because she knew she had no means of supporting you financially?

Similar set up here with big age gaps, different fathers and more money in the household now (probably didn't help there was 6 kids in the house when I was and there's only 2 now).
I resent it too, but not alot can or will be done about it.
I just try to concentrate on the good I have in my life.

It's shit OP and you have my every sympathy. Is it too late to do a photography course now? If you're only 30 there is still loads of time left for a change of direction.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

It sounds like your mums' financial situation has changed dramatically since you were at school.

Is it possible that she didn't want to encourage you because she knew she had no means of supporting you financially?

I don't think it's that. Nothing has really changed. I had money saved up too so was willing to pay for things. But was still heavily discouraged 😪

Life changes. My eldest son (28) hasn’t had the opportunities my 17 & 14yr old have had as different father and I was much younger and poorer when I had him. I’ve always been his biggest supporter though and he doesn’t begrudge his siblings anything, though I’m sure he’s had moments of jealousy. I’d have loved to have given him the same opportunity but it wasn’t possible. I’ve taken him on lots of mum / son holidays since now I’ve got a good job and more money and he knows I adore him. We have a close relationship, more so than my younger two as it was just us for many years. So I guess what I’m saying is it’s ok to feel like that. But it’s never too late, you’re only young. My mum never supported me in getting a degree after I was a teen mum, she always said I’d drop out. Well I didn’t and I’ve made a success of her life and I still think she’s not happy as it means I moved away!

She was not a single mum when I was leaving school, going to college and potential uni time. She's been with my stepdad since I was 9/10!

It's not so much the money side, I get money is tight it's just the general discouragement. I worked and saved and had money in savings from grandparents. I was willing to pay for everything too. She was a single mum until I was 9/10 then met my stepdad.

I understand how you feel OP. But you will get lots of replies from people who don’t know how it can be to be a child in a “blended” family especially when you are one of the kids from the previous relationship!

Sorry to hear that you weren’t encouraged when you were younger.
It really is never to late though! You say you have a long term partner - could they look after the kids in the evening while you go to college? Adult Education centres are running courses again so you could try different things out to see what you like. Maybe sign up for a short course one night a week and take it from there?

The fact that you don't have a career is because you haven't built one in your adults years. And I am not being awful when I say that, but in your life time you could have studied further, you'd have started a job at entry level and worked your way up.

My career started at British gas taking phone calls for boiler service and repair. I didn't need an education, I started there because the hours were good and I was a single parent

People change, situations change. Your step dad has had a much longer influence and probably gets more say over what happens as they are shared kids.

Its crap she didn't encourage you, but her situation was different and if you really wanted to change it, you could have done.

And yes, I have been part of a blended family growing up.

I totally understand what you’re saying, OP, and how you feel is absolutely valid. It must be hard, but I guess all you can do is focus on what you’ve achieved without anyone really helping or even cheering you on from the wings.

OP it sounds horrible I can understand why you feel a bit jealous. I would try and turn it into a motivation to get yourself doing the things you love, do a photography course or an art course or something else, it can be trickier with dc but still possible if it’s something you really want.

You’ve posted about this before haven’t you? You need to move forward and away from the jealousy.

This sounds more like natural birth children being treated differently and that is truly abusive and crap if that is the case.

Has your mother or step dad got traits of a narcissist? Look them up - are you the scapegoat? Eldest non bio child.

Therapy.
Accept you are right to feel aggrieved but what do you do now? You are 30 so young - do that bloody course and do it now! Do what you want! Forget other negative people trying to drown you and swim to the surface.

Pm me for a good fb group if your parents do have narc traits

I don't think it's that. Nothing has really changed. I had money saved up too so was willing to pay for things. But was still heavily discouraged 😪

Sometimes parents struggle to encourage their children when they feel as though they can't support them properly.

Your mum maybe felt like a failure because she didn't want you to have to fund it yourself.

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

You’ve posted about this before haven’t you? You need to move forward and away from the jealousy.

Don't think so?

While I understand why you feel a bit jealous, it doesn’t sound like you’ve taken much responsibility to achieve your own goals and are instead blaming your parents; plenty of people achieve all sorts with no family support at all. It’s not too late now so why not do it yourself?

@Associatepeggy

The fact that you don't have a career is because you haven't built one in your adults years. And I am not being awful when I say that, but in your life time you could have studied further, you'd have started a job at entry level and worked your way up.

My career started at British gas taking phone calls for boiler service and repair. I didn't need an education, I started there because the hours were good and I was a single parent

People change, situations change. Your step dad has had a much longer influence and probably gets more say over what happens as they are shared kids.

Its crap she didn't encourage you, but her situation was different and if you really wanted to change it, you could have done.

I agree. Why haven't you built up your own career OP? You have some responsibility to take, if you had the money for it, you could have still done it. You ultimately decided not to. Your mother isn't to blame for your lack of career.

Maybe she regrets not having supported you to do the things that you wanted to do, and is trying not to make the same mistakes again?