Siblings given opportunities I didn't.

[Userno36372846]

I know situations etc change. I'm oldest of 4. Dm had me and db and neither of us knew our dads so neither of us ever had a dad around. Dm then re married and had 2 more kids, sisters with stepdad. I'm early thirties, sisters 16 & 19 ish.

I will probably get told to get over myself but can't help feel a little emotional and crap.

When I left school, I really wanted to do a specific course at college around photography as it really interested. I did fairly well in school academically but did not really enjoy the academic side. I was heavily discouraged by family into not doing photography as it wouldn't get me anywhere according to them and they couldn't afford the camera, equipment etc. Neither could they afford the bus pass to college and said I'd have to pay for it myself which I would have done. I worked from a young age and saved ££. They then said I'd never manage the bus trip etc. They never built my confidence. I ended up doing a levels at local sixth form which I bloody hated. Horrific 2 years in my younger years, feel like they were a waste of time and didn't enjoy it at all, courses were limited there too. Wish I went to college.

Never went to uni, didn't do that great in sixth form, lost interest and didn't get predicted grades. Plus family discouraged uni saying I wouldn't manage being away and they couldn't afford it.

I'm not one for over pushing your kids but I feel encouragement should be given. I was never encouraged to fulfill my dreams. So much so I don't have any career now - also have 2 kids so that doesn't make it easy.

My siblings, have been allowed to do what they want. One of them did the photography course I always wanted to do and my dm is always boasting about how good they are at it. Bought all the fancy stuff and everything. Now off to uni.

Other sibling is doing an art course at college too. I was heavily discouraged from this too.

I'll probably be told I need to get over myself as a 30 year old woman with 2 kids with a long term partner, own my own house etc. I am doing okay.

But I feel a sense of resentment. That I was never given the same opportunities. You would assume it's a stepdad issue but he's actually really generous, it's more my mum. I seem to be the black sheep and this is not the only issue.

I had to work from a young age to pay for everything else I wouldn't have it. My 19 year old sister has never worked but gets the latest iPhones, designer clothes, expensive make up.I moved out at her age whilst she getting everything dished out on a plate.

Even with my brother (a little younger than me) he gets everything.

I'm ashamed to say it but I'm a little green eyed tbh! And I'm not usually a jealous person!

Great post by nellwilsonswhitehair. I am gobsmacked at the posters who are basically telling the OP to basically stop whingeing and that she has only got herself to blame for not pursuing her dreams as an adult. It sounds like the overwhelming message she got from her parents is they her feelings didn't count and she didn't deserve any support. Which would be bad enough in itself without having it rubbed in her face that her younger siblings seemingly are worthy of pride and encouragement. This kind of shit from a parent causes damage to people's self esteem that can last a lifetime. It isn't as simple as telling the OP to get over herself.

I wonder if some of the PPs are actually perpetuating similar dynamics for DC in their own blended families and are trying to justify it.

You are only in your 30s! Touch wood you have a lot of time ahead of you. You need to try and focus your jealous energy on to making some of your ambitions happen. You can make a plan and break it down into small manageable goals like improving your interview technique, getting a part time job, saving for a camera, taking an evening photography course.

Worst comes to worst there are many detailed videos on learning photography and photo shop on YouTube.

There is a huge market for wedding photography etc

What’s your relationship like with them now? Are you close to your mum? Has she done anything to support you as an adult, to be close to your DC?

I’m not saying you don’t deserve sympathy btw but just think being practical about it will improve your life in the long run.

@ThinWomansBrain it could simply because of your sex.

Unfortunately lots of parents were and still are sexist in how much freedom they allow their teen children.

Also there are people, so parents, who think some activities are more worthy and safer than others.

Please don’t end up as the carer for your DM and step-dad, or come to that childcare for your siblings’ children.

You only get one life. Make your plans to follow your dreams, don’t waste your time feeling bitter, use your energy for you and your children.

At the time your DM could have been encouraging you through college/photography, she had small children. That's not an excuse in any way, but it's tricky timing. I'm sorry they were so discouraging.
Do you still want to do the photography course? If so, go for it! Never too late, and you're only early thirties. I retrained in my late thirties and have no regrets.

Same here, all three of my siblings went to uni (my sister three times) and all were financially helped. I was the one who couldn't cope living with my severely mentally unwell mother and left home at 16 with hardly any GCSEs and just my clothes. My sister is still failing at life, a drug addict, alcoholic and her adult kids abuse her physically and mentally, despite the helping hands well into adult life, my older brother has done remarkably well career wise but his life has taken a bad turn of late, my younger half brother has had the most help in every possible way, and has done the best due to all the help. The major difference is, I was the child brought up by a single parent who struggled to look after themselves.
I have done well, it nearly went the other way having my son at a young age with an absolute twat of a man, but I'm happily married to someone else now, nice house and I run my own fairly successful business.
There are many times I've felt bitter about it all, particularly of late when family things have kicked off and I just want to scream "I'm the one who was hard done by" but there's no point. I just crack on with being me.

I really don't think you can blame your parents for your lack of career - you still went to college and sat A-Levels, which presumably you were supported to do (board & lodging).

I think you should try to let go of your resentment and (assuming you still want it) pursue the career you want now. Nobody will hand it to you, but I you're determined and sufficiently academic you'll get there.

Best of luck.

@RedWingBoots

The issue is with your mum not your younger siblings or your SD. She clearly decided because he wasn't your dad he shouldn't be allowed to help you.

In addition I've seen with families I grew up alongside that older children weren't encouraged to pursue education and other interests further by their parents but younger ones were. It puzzled me but I suspect it took for their older children to have a really hard time in the world for the parents to actually realise the world is completely different from when they were young.

Btw I grew up in a blended family. Us younger ones recieved a better education because older siblings were willing to and did intervene to ensure we did. Parental level of encouragement was the same.

I think this is very perceptive as an answer. I get it hurts not to be guided or encouraged by your parents and realise others had it and especially hard when you see siblings getting what you didn’t have.

My sibling is golden child and heavily praised / revered.

So sorry to read this OP, I can understand your sadness of being dissuaded and held back from following your dreams. However, instead of being consumed by sadness and an understandable green-eyed monster, look into part-time courses. When you do a creative course, taking longer actually can be wonderful to really take time to explore your ideas, rather than rush through a 3-year full time course. You are far from being too old to not explore this! Focus on you rather than regret and comparing what your siblings got.

This seems really unfair and I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. What a slap in the face that your sister is being supported on the course that you wanted to do.

I’m assuming the photography ship has sailed, its really hard to do something creative and you weren’t encouraged when you were at the age you could take risks - financially. But don’t let that hold you back moving forward. When you have the time invest in yourself and your future. Find something you want to do. Believe in yourself OP.

You not having a father you knew was not something you had control of. That's down to your mum. Perhaps over the years sge got a bit wiser and open minded.

She may also not have wanted to burden your stepdad with paying additional costs for the equipment you needed on the course you wanted to do.

With his own kids, he won't mind. As much as kids may have an okay experience with stepparents, sometimes the SP makes it clear to the parent, that they don't want to be paying a lot for a kid that's not theirs.

She may gave felt grateful that he took her on with 2 kids with absent fathers.

I had this with my parents

I’m the eldest and only girl-three brothers (last two are twins)

Growing up,the money was there if my mother wanted us to do something but not if she didn’t

We grew up and she claimed to be skint-until my brothers wanted to do something-then the money was there,waiting for them

I wanted to do hairdressing-there was zero money in the pot but as soon as my brothers wanted to go to college,they where handed the cash-and nothing was said when they dropped out

Driving lessons,furnishing their homes,weddings-you name it,they got it

I ended up in an abusive relationship with kids and zero support

I finally went to college and I did the hairdressing course-I worked so hard to fund it and my mother tried to rip me to bits for ‘having ideas above her station’

Anyway,I finally own my own home,have a full time job,kids are grown up,amazing partner and I’m happy

I did it-nobody gave me a leg up-in fact they tried to drag me down

My brothers?

Ones at risk of dying as he’s so overweight-and stuck in an unhappy marriage

Twin 1 is a spiteful narc with a massive ego-his wife is as bad

Twin two is a drug addict with mummy funding him-in fact she’s scared of him

It’s hard-it really is but I’d go back to college/uni-get on that course and do it

You can take on the world if you put your mind to it-when I went and did my course it was as hard as climbing a mountain wearing a skirt and flip flops but I muddled through

Sounds to me that you don’t owe your mum anything. She didn’t support or nurture you and from comments on here many people must have been the golden child because they have no sympathy or empathy for your experiences.
You have the rest of your life to live so do what matters to you and give yourself the chances you never had. You are still young and can achieve so much. Don’t look back look forward. Good luck from someone who gets it and knows how families and DM’s in particular rewrite history.

@Userno36372846

I know someone who could’ve written your story. He was an avid photographer from an early age and wanted to study it at university and go into it professionally.
His father said, “no son of mine is gonna be a faggot photographer,” so he dropped his plans, and while he did complete university, he did something very mundane for a living.
He always kept up his photography as a hobby, though, and was brilliant at it.
Buy yourself a second-hand camera or two, and don’t let anyone tell you you can’t do it, because can.
By the time he died, my friend had over a million photographs in his collection.
It’s never too late to start. ❤️

It sounds like favouritism and, no, it’s not fair. It’s poor parenting.

Early 30s is a good time for a career change, though. Have you considered going to college or university now?

You don't sound that hard done by. Many, now in their 30's, were not given the opportunity to stay on for A-levels.
It is good you identify your issues with envy. Try and learn how to manage this (therapy?).
Look to the positives you have in your life and start to work towards achieving your goals.

I mean this gently but there comes a time as an adult you need to stop blaming your parents, you could have made different choices over the last few years. You didn’t. Your envy is going to chew you up and make you bitter. If you can’t move on, then maybe seek some help, but sitting being jealous of your teenage siblings and blaming your parents for your adult life isn’t going to help you in any way. It will simply make you bitter.

Yes that sounds shit. You are not unreasonable to be mightily pissed off.
Parents can choose a 'golden child.' and the non golden child gets a really shit deal.
All you can do is break this pattern with your own children. I doubt your family would believe you or agree.
Same in my family. It is shit. Sorry.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds really crap.

It's totally valid to feel disappointed at the blatant double standard, and at your mother's clueless boasting.

Even if your mother had fewer resources at the time, she could have been more encouraging and helped you find a way to the career you loved.

I always wanted to study law but was actively discouraged by my family. I retrained later in life and qualified, but had they given me even a little support I'd have qualified at 25 and had a really different career. I don't go around seething about it, but it's a fact.

The good news is that you're really young. You can retrain into any career you want, trust me.

@LocalHobo

You don't sound that hard done by. Many, now in their 30's, were not given the opportunity to stay on for A-levels. It is good you identify your issues with envy. Try and learn how to manage this (therapy?). Look to the positives you have in your life and start to work towards achieving your goals.

That’s one of the most bonkers posts I’ve read for a while, TBF.

Whilst I understand it can be difficult to see your younger siblings having a life you felt deprived of, but it's not going to do you any good to focus on it or feel like this. I suggest you get some therapy to help you deal with this feelings and to focus on what you have got in life

@cheeseismydownfall

Great post by nellwilsonswhitehair. I am gobsmacked at the posters who are basically telling the OP to basically stop whingeing and that she has only got herself to blame for not pursuing her dreams as an adult. It sounds like the overwhelming message she got from her parents is they her feelings didn't count and she didn't deserve any support. Which would be bad enough in itself without having it rubbed in her face that her younger siblings seemingly are worthy of pride and encouragement. This kind of shit from a parent causes damage to people's self esteem that can last a lifetime. It isn't as simple as telling the OP to get over herself.

I wonder if some of the PPs are actually perpetuating similar dynamics for DC in their own blended families and are trying to justify it.

This!

OP I can completely understand how the active discouragement would have affected you and made it difficult to follow your dreams. It's absolutely fine to feel upset and even angry about it.

However, what is true, is that you can change things at any time. It may be harder now but you can retrain and find something that really grabs you. I know someone who's got her first proper job in TV in her 50s! And TV is desperately competitive. Find someone who can provide you with inspirations and support, be that a mentor, coach, counsellor or even a good friend.

And go for it. However sad it is that you were held back, please don't let it hold you back any longer. Good luck!