Siblings given opportunities I didn't.

[Userno36372846]

I know situations etc change. I'm oldest of 4. Dm had me and db and neither of us knew our dads so neither of us ever had a dad around. Dm then re married and had 2 more kids, sisters with stepdad. I'm early thirties, sisters 16 & 19 ish.

I will probably get told to get over myself but can't help feel a little emotional and crap.

When I left school, I really wanted to do a specific course at college around photography as it really interested. I did fairly well in school academically but did not really enjoy the academic side. I was heavily discouraged by family into not doing photography as it wouldn't get me anywhere according to them and they couldn't afford the camera, equipment etc. Neither could they afford the bus pass to college and said I'd have to pay for it myself which I would have done. I worked from a young age and saved ££. They then said I'd never manage the bus trip etc. They never built my confidence. I ended up doing a levels at local sixth form which I bloody hated. Horrific 2 years in my younger years, feel like they were a waste of time and didn't enjoy it at all, courses were limited there too. Wish I went to college.

Never went to uni, didn't do that great in sixth form, lost interest and didn't get predicted grades. Plus family discouraged uni saying I wouldn't manage being away and they couldn't afford it.

I'm not one for over pushing your kids but I feel encouragement should be given. I was never encouraged to fulfill my dreams. So much so I don't have any career now - also have 2 kids so that doesn't make it easy.

My siblings, have been allowed to do what they want. One of them did the photography course I always wanted to do and my dm is always boasting about how good they are at it. Bought all the fancy stuff and everything. Now off to uni.

Other sibling is doing an art course at college too. I was heavily discouraged from this too.

I'll probably be told I need to get over myself as a 30 year old woman with 2 kids with a long term partner, own my own house etc. I am doing okay.

But I feel a sense of resentment. That I was never given the same opportunities. You would assume it's a stepdad issue but he's actually really generous, it's more my mum. I seem to be the black sheep and this is not the only issue.

I had to work from a young age to pay for everything else I wouldn't have it. My 19 year old sister has never worked but gets the latest iPhones, designer clothes, expensive make up.I moved out at her age whilst she getting everything dished out on a plate.

Even with my brother (a little younger than me) he gets everything.

I'm ashamed to say it but I'm a little green eyed tbh! And I'm not usually a jealous person!

You have every right to feel how you do. I totally understand. The good thing is that you are only 30 and still have time to pursue your passions. Start now and this time, don't let anyone put you off or put you down. If you start something and find you don't like it, well good, because then you won't look back wishing you'd been able to try. Just go for it if you can.

You will get lots of replies on mumsnet to the time of your mum doesn’t owe you anything and you are entitled. There’s a strange idea here that your parents stop being parents as soon as you hit 16 and that your parents can treat siblings unfairly as it’s their money to do with what they wish.
In the real world, of course yanbu. Your parents have treated you unkindly and unfairly. I get it, my Mum is the same. She supported my sister’s career path as it was the same as hers and gave me zero support or guidance. This continues into adulthood in terms of financial support.
I’m very proud of my independence and the life I’ve built but I have a very poor relationship with my parent as a result.

I get it, it sucks, I’m the younger sibling in this scenario and I know my Dsis has a lot of resentment about it. I got more support though it still wasn’t a bed of roses. Also, I think I was maybe more stubborn and determined than she was and didn’t take no for an answer, though that was easier when DF wasn’t a step dad. I think you need to find a way to move forward though, you’re still young enough to build the life and career you want.

But OP doesn't really know how supportive her mum is now. She gets the external view.
My older siblings could have OPs view of my life. In fact one of them said to me that she wasn't encouraged to go to university and I was. I wasn't encouraged. My parents didn't even know when I completed the application form. They were completely hands-off. I worked every weekend and every summer holiday to pay for my costs. I didn't tell them I was moving out to do a follow-on course until the weekend before because I knew they'd be negative and make me doubt myself. But, to an older sibling with an age gap - I was handed everything because they didn't live with us and didn't see the reality. They also didn't see the abuse or violence.
OP can't know what life is like for her siblings. She can pursue anything she thinks she missed.

@Userno36372846

It's not so much the money side, I get money is tight it's just the general discouragement. I worked and saved and had money in savings from grandparents. I was willing to pay for everything too. She was a single mum until I was 9/10 then met my stepdad.

But if you really wanted to do these things why have you made no attempt to pursue them in the intervening years?

I don’t know why you mother actively discouraged you. Sounds like extreme behaviour to actively discourage a child with presumably a motive to hinder your success? I doubt your mother sought to reduce your chances of success and happiness in life but if you feel she deliberately did this then you should confront the situation by speaking to her. No point in allowing it to eat you up inside.

At some level you must now take responsibility for your life instead of blaming your mother for the journey you’ve taken in life thus far.

I can see why you feel like you do, and it must be hard to see your siblings do something you were desperate for. But you are now a grown up with control over what you do. You could have done the course at a later date.

She probably did the best she could. The truth is that if you have children young, you usually don’t have the same financial resources. That’s why society generally encourages women to have children later on in marriage.

She was a single mum and she had two failed relationships and she was probably quite anxious not to have your stepfather leave her so she might have felt she needed to raise you guys to be independent and be less of a financial burden on your stepdad.

The world has changed anyway. It used to be that art was seen as a massive risk and now maybe not as much. I don’t think that’s her fault.

I understand it must be hard. Not helpful to you now, but perhaps you DM learnt her lesson from forcing you down a more formal path with a levels? She may have seen that you didn't flourish as she hoped and realised that it's better to allow your children to follow a more 'risky' path.

The issue is with your mum not your younger siblings or your SD. She clearly decided because he wasn't your dad he shouldn't be allowed to help you.

In addition I've seen with families I grew up alongside that older children weren't encouraged to pursue education and other interests further by their parents but younger ones were. It puzzled me but I suspect it took for their older children to have a really hard time in the world for the parents to actually realise the world is completely different from when they were young.

Btw I grew up in a blended family. Us younger ones recieved a better education because older siblings were willing to and did intervene to ensure we did. Parental level of encouragement was the same.

Also if you were academic maybe she wanted you to go to university and do well so that you can be successful and not be like her with two kids to 2 different men who she could barely afford to support. You came from a poor single mum and you wanted to do a degree like photography which often leads to failure and maybe she was afraid that you would fail and you would end up like her.

A lot of poor parents are not going to encourage you to do an arts degree. They’re not being mean they just want you to do something more stable and secure.

I could never equate that my brother was allowed to go all night fishing, but I wasn't to go to a local nightclub until 1am - left home at 16, so then I could do what I wanted.
Parents are weird - but you won't change what happened.

I look back - despite all the hand outs, financial support & favourable treatment (it wasn't just the fishing/nightclub argument), he was the one that's been on benefits all of his life, I'm the one with a successful professional career and a masters, so fat lot of good it did him.

Nothing is stopping you following the photography course now, if that's what you want - I suspect that it's not really it however, just that things are different for your siblings. It sucks, but time has moved on, your DM & SF are in a different position to when you were a teenager - celebrate your life and what you have now.

It doesn’t sound like you had a lot of encouragement from your parents, but equally, many people don’t and still succeed in life doing whatever it is they want to do. I feel like you’re frustrated that you’re not where you want to be but have built this resentment (or blame) towards your parents and/or siblings instead of accepting that the only person who can change these things is you.

I have very wealthy parents, with their own business and a large property portfolio. It wasn’t that way for me growing up; they made most of their money after I’d left school and moved out at 18. There is however a large age gap between my youngest sister and me (17yrs!) so all she has ever known is having everything on tap, clothes, cars etc all bought for her even into her late 20s. I could resent her but instead I like the fact that I’ve worked for everything I have and have all my affairs in order, whilst she was still living at home at 28, couldn’t operate a washing machine or dishwasher and has the worst money management I’ve ever seen.

Blimey, some of these responses are pretty harsh.

Obviously circumstances change, and it would probably be the wrong choice to deprive younger siblings of opportunities just because they weren't an option for the older ones.

But it sounds like the really issue is that the OP's mother had done a 180 U-turn in terms of how her younger siblings have been encouraged and supported emotionally, without any recognition of the fact. I'm guessing that if the OP's mum acknowledged the difference and expressed some regret that would go a long way towards helping the OP heal this resentment.

And as for those blaming the OP for not just getting on with it herself - ffs, mumsnet is absolutely awash with mothers desperately trying to secure every possible advantage to benefit their children's future. Surely that is fundamental to good parenting? Why are we all bothering if our DC will be just as able to succeed if we don't bother to support them, encourage them?

OP, I'm not surprised you are pissed off.

My oldest sister got everything including a free bus pass, laptop, anything she wanted at Christmas. I didn't get anything at all and couldn't go to school sometimes as we couldn't afford it. I ended up doing A-Levels because we were in the middle of the recession and couldn't afford to do anything else.

But, I mean I can't resent her over opportunities because life has changed since then and health issues on her side have surfaced.

But life is what you make it - you can't wallow in self-pity, you have to make and take the opportunities as they come.

How old are your children? If they're in primary school now, you could always go back and do a degree that can get you a career.

I'm sorry, it sounds like something to very naturally feel resentful and, actually, hurt by. Particularly your DM now boasting about how your younger sibling is thriving on that course - that must sting!

I'm quite struck by how many PP suggest that your mum probably did the best she could with the resources (money and otherwise) that she had, and that probably she feels guilty or upset that she couldn't do it for you. I think this is probably true. I also think that ideally she would articulate that to you. She could say something like, "it's lovely to see youngersib on that photography course, and I really wish I'd been able to support you onto it too." She could say, I wish you could have done it but we just didn't have the money and I couldn't see any way around that. She could say, i didn't realise how important it was, I was learning, I was doing my best but i still got it wrong, I'm sorry. She could say, I'm sorry I couldn't give you the same opportunities I can now give your younger siblings, but I'm really proud of the person you've grown into.

There are lots of reasons that people simply aren't able to make any of those overtures, but i do think they'd be a motherly and emotionally healing move from your mother if she could. And if she can't, I think it's fair enough that you're also struggling to get past this. I think (maybe projecting?) that your mother seeming to not even register the comparison is perhaps harder than the actual photography course, lack of encouragement etc.

All that said, I hope you can find a way to put it into perspective and let go, because resentment is corrosive.

I would be annoyed to if I was in the same situation. You need to find what you want to achieve now and go and do it. You no longer can blame your mother for what happened as you are an adult. Adults can go to uni at any age. It sounds like you and your siblings have artistic talent. You don't necessarily have to pay for courses you can learn a lot now for free on YouTube etc or for someone subscription fee. How about you get better you're at photography as a hobby and build it up. You could work for yourself! Wedding photography, baby photo shoots etc

I think the difference in ages means that you were always going to have a different upbringing.

My my family there's 8 years between my oldest sibling and my youngest. Things that were absolutely no chance for the oldest were given without question to the youngest. Reasons: Finances were better but also that mistakes had been made and realised and times had changed. They also had more time, but less energy to deal with the youngest.

Silly example here: There was a tennis tournament I really wanted to do at Easter, starting on the Easter Tuesday. Problem was we always went to my grans for Easter. Parents didn't want to travel 300 miles on Easter Monday as they thought traffic would be horrific.
When I was about 16yo, for some reason we ended up travelling back then and they found it was actually lighter traffic. So after that I was allowed to enter the tournament-but my youngest sibling entered from 13yo. As a child that did feel unfair, but I now see how it happened.

In addition, I forgot to say, I'm the same age as you!

I think you're right - it's a bit shit. I think your DM ought to at least acknowledge that you missed out. If I were in that situation (hard up financially, then things improved), I would hope that I'd make some sort of gesture to my grown-up adult daughter (pay for a weekend photography course and offer to babysit) just to demonstrate that although circumstances had meant that I couldn't give the same level of support, their dreams and ambitious were important to me too. But maybe your DM hasn't taken the time to know you well enough to understand that this is still something you're interested in (which would be a bit sad)?

I could have written this post OP- younger brothers, mum and stepdad in different situations by then. I feel like they’ve been given so much more support, and encouragement and more opportunities. It’s a rubbish feeling and I don’t know what to say other than you’re not being silly. I too am doing OK, but that doesn’t stop me feeling resentment at times.

How old would you have been when siblings were born?

You either believe your DM did the best she could by you given the resources and experiences she had at the time, or you don't.

But for many families there is a disparity between the older and younger children because families can develop in financial security or other resources. Small things like your dm's levels of optimism about the future might completely change the advice she would give an equally loved child, things like that.

I feel similar to be honest. I was chucked out as soon as my GCSES were over, and unfortunately got in to an abusive relationship with a drug addict which led to years of poverty and debt. My sister (10 years younger but same parents) still lives at home rent free in her early 30s and has thousands in the bank for a house deposit, something that I will never be able to achieve.

She's had so much more from my mum both materially and emotionally than I have and if I think too much I do feel resentful, so I try not to think about it!

Resentment is a wasted emotion. It achieves nothing. You probably need counselling, forgive and move on.

Also, You need to stop blaming others. You could have taken a Uni grant later, but didn't. You need to take responsibility for that.

What do you want here? Do you want to talk to her and get her to admit it. It's unlikely she'll see it that way?

I was heavily discouraged by family into not doing photography as it wouldn't get me anywhere according to them

One of them did the photography course I always wanted to do and my dm is always boasting about how good they are at it.

Did your mum say the same thing to them about photography not being a good course/degree?