Siblings given opportunities I didn't.

[Userno36372846]

I know situations etc change. I'm oldest of 4. Dm had me and db and neither of us knew our dads so neither of us ever had a dad around. Dm then re married and had 2 more kids, sisters with stepdad. I'm early thirties, sisters 16 & 19 ish.

I will probably get told to get over myself but can't help feel a little emotional and crap.

When I left school, I really wanted to do a specific course at college around photography as it really interested. I did fairly well in school academically but did not really enjoy the academic side. I was heavily discouraged by family into not doing photography as it wouldn't get me anywhere according to them and they couldn't afford the camera, equipment etc. Neither could they afford the bus pass to college and said I'd have to pay for it myself which I would have done. I worked from a young age and saved ££. They then said I'd never manage the bus trip etc. They never built my confidence. I ended up doing a levels at local sixth form which I bloody hated. Horrific 2 years in my younger years, feel like they were a waste of time and didn't enjoy it at all, courses were limited there too. Wish I went to college.

Never went to uni, didn't do that great in sixth form, lost interest and didn't get predicted grades. Plus family discouraged uni saying I wouldn't manage being away and they couldn't afford it.

I'm not one for over pushing your kids but I feel encouragement should be given. I was never encouraged to fulfill my dreams. So much so I don't have any career now - also have 2 kids so that doesn't make it easy.

My siblings, have been allowed to do what they want. One of them did the photography course I always wanted to do and my dm is always boasting about how good they are at it. Bought all the fancy stuff and everything. Now off to uni.

Other sibling is doing an art course at college too. I was heavily discouraged from this too.

I'll probably be told I need to get over myself as a 30 year old woman with 2 kids with a long term partner, own my own house etc. I am doing okay.

But I feel a sense of resentment. That I was never given the same opportunities. You would assume it's a stepdad issue but he's actually really generous, it's more my mum. I seem to be the black sheep and this is not the only issue.

I had to work from a young age to pay for everything else I wouldn't have it. My 19 year old sister has never worked but gets the latest iPhones, designer clothes, expensive make up.I moved out at her age whilst she getting everything dished out on a plate.

Even with my brother (a little younger than me) he gets everything.

I'm ashamed to say it but I'm a little green eyed tbh! And I'm not usually a jealous person!

A cautionary tale from my own family. My mother is in her 80s. She didn't even get to finish school despite the family being wealthy because her father thought it was a waste of time and money to educate girls too far. Her brother, my uncle, got all the education he could have wanted and completely wasted it by dropping out. My DM has held that grudge for over 60 years. She couldn't even let go of her anger when everyone involved in it was dead.

So, I will say to you what my DM doesn't want to hear. She did better out of the deal than my uncle did. She educated herself all through her life, not particularly academically but kept improving herself in a profession that she enjoyed. She had her own business. She was happily married and had DC, grandchildren and even a great-grandchild. She and my Dad used to compete in a sport internationally. She has a huge network of friends and belongs to various clubs and societies. She has good health and travels all over the world regularly (apart from during Covid). I suppose it's possible that her life would have been different if she'd gone to university but I don't think it could have been all that much better than the life that she actually carved out for herself because the life that she has now and had in the past was blood brilliant. My uncle, on the other hand, was never allowed to fail for himself. Every bad decision he was rescued from the consequences by his mother (my grandmother). He never held down a job, he never had a family, he never cared about looking after himself and he died relatively young.

So, you are only 30. You have decades to do whatever you want. It's not fair that all the siblings didn't get the same opportunities and I know that things that are suffered during your childhood and teens have knock on effects through a person's whole life but don't let bitterness distract you. Channel any anger into focus on yourself. Find stuff that interests you. Do online study, do adult education courses. Don't let yourself get to your 80s still angry. And definitely don't tell everyone at your younger sibling's funeral about the unfairness between the two of you. Because that's bloody awkward during the after-funeral coffee and biscuits.

I wonder if some of the PPs are actually perpetuating similar dynamics for DC in their own blended families and are trying to justify it.

Not here. I'm from a nuclear family and so are my children. I just think that the differences can be explained without assuming the op is a victim of a golden child dynamic.

I don’t know... My sister & I are close in age, grew up equal as kids. Since leaving school, she’s had uni paid for (no part-time jobs), gap year in Canada, deposits for two homes, numerous bail-outs (including by me) from my parents. And the rest...
I haven’t had any of the above, because I don’t ask. Always done things myself. It doesn’t bother me, as I don’t want to live with resentment. I know my parents would give it to me if I put my hand out, maybe that’s the difference.

There's a photography professor from Stanford University who has all of his lectures on digital photography on YouTube. His name is Marc Levoy.

youtube.com/playlist?list=PL7ddpXYvFXspUN0N-gObF1GXoCA-DA-7i

Get a camera and do it now.

Just to say that as a parent, the prospect of supporting the eldest of 4 kids causes more money worries because you worry that there won’t be enough for the youngest. Whereas if you have got to the youngest, you are more relaxed - as you know that nearly all your kids have reached independence. Perhaps this also played a part in your mum’s behaviour. Also, 10-15 yrs ago there was maybe less emphasis on university.

Don’t think people are being harsh. It’s just that there are a lot of changes in circumstances here that could explain the different treatment rather than just a golden child and scapegoat dynamic.

Lots of non-evil parents don’t want their children to go into the arts because it really is a job for wealthy well-connected people unfortunately. It’s very hard to make it without the money to do internships and work in low paid jobs for a long time I know all of the right people.

Financial circumstances change and make different things possible. A wealthier older parent may make better decisions because they’ve learnt from poor decision-making. And a new marriage may feel less secure than an older more stable marriage.

You have to acknowledge class and its role in shaping peoples aspirations. You can’t just hate every working-class single mum of two for not wanting their child to be something that as far as she knows is impossible to make money from.

I come from a blended family too and experienced similar issues like this. As I have gotten older I have found it easier to disassociate from my family on some level and I don't worry so much about supporting them. I dont blame my parents - it is what it is but some things were very unfair and I don't want to carry that around in my life.

@Userno36372846 I think you are grieving the parents you didn't have which you now see your siblings have. That is hard for understandable reasons.

I have a friend with a very similar experience to you, though no step-parent happened with the same two parents. No big age gap either, they are all just under 2 years apart. Strangely my friend doesn't see the magnitude of it, perhaps for her own well-being, but it's so blatant you can't be close to her and not see it. It was painful to watch her as a 16 year old, forced to be almost fully independent. Now they range from 35-41, and honestly I think her parents still support the 35 and 37 year old more than than did my friend at 16. What they did to her was cruel.

she should acknowledge and apologise. also not rub the photography skills if your sister in your face knowing she deprived you of the chance.
BUT you are the back sheep. my dh is the black sheep and his mother just loves telling him how much better golden child is at everything.
(dh was paying his mother more than what our private rent was when he lived at home. She was pissed he moved out at 19 and stopped supporting her at 23, fucking bitches will always be bitches) I'd have it out. what do you have to lose

Sorry but 10-15 years ago there was emphasis on university education. Not 25-40 years ago I’ll agree, but Op’s lack of support and opportunity would rankle and hurt.

"But it sounds like the really issue is that the OP's mother had done a 180 U-turn in terms of how her younger siblings have been encouraged and supported emotionally, without any recognition of the fact. I'm guessing that if the OP's mum acknowledged the difference and expressed some regret that would go a long way towards helping the OP heal this resentment."

This is it in a nutshell for me, as someone with a large age gap to a (half) sibling. With my grown-up head on I can rationalise that my parents did the best they could with what they had, knowing that they were very young, the products of their own not-great upbringing and in a completely different financial situation to where they are now. I know that resentment is unhelpful, dwelling on the unfairness is pointless and unproductive and the only person who can make the changes now is me - same for the OP.

Doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt sometimes, when the grown-up thoughts slip and in the moment you feel that sting of resentment and unfairness, and it's absolutely compounded by the fact that no-one has acknowledged any of the differences, even casually. I'm sure it could be something usefully explored during therapy or counselling to help OP move on and make plans.

YANBU. Feelings of unfair treatment within families are really tough to deal with.
But you can’t change the past and you need to deal with these - perfectly understandable - feelings in a way that stops you using up your mental energy feeling resentful. Then you can focus on getting the most out of life in the future.