Page 5 | Should I let 17 year old DS’s girlfriend sleepover?

walkingoneggshell · 2022-02-26T17:24:23+00:00

Posted this in teenagers but no replies and I could do with some advice quickly. He’s 17 and a half and she’s 16. They’ve been together about 6 months and she’s lovely. He asked if she can stay tonight as they want to go somewhere together tomorrow. He’s my first born so feeling a bit unsure. I know they have sex and we’ve had a chat about respect and contraception. My mum never have let my boyfriend’s sleep in the same room as me even when I was at university and I remember it made me feel awkward, but obviously they’re younger than I was then. Just not sure what to think.

HikingforScenery · 27/02/2022 16:23

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Oblomov22 I don’t know. Clearly they find a way if they want to. But it’s not their parents job to facilitate that if they don’t want it happening in their house. As I say young people need to have incentive to adult and cannot be allowed to do everything they want within their parents home[/quote]
I agree

Angrymum22 · 27/02/2022 16:30

DS attends 6th form in the nearest city so most of his friends are spread around a 20mins radius. He has been friends with many of them since primary school. There is a lot of support among parents so I have an open house rule for any of his friends if they are unable to get home. As long as they inform their parents they are welcome to stay. It is frequently reciprocated so rather than everyone having to pick them up after a night out or the expense of a taxi for one, they stay safe.
I still owe one lovely dad for travelling over an hour at 4am to pick a group up. They missed out on 15-16 due to the pandemic, we all agree that they need a crash course on looking after themselves before going to Uni so maybe we indulge them a little.
Same with sex, they entered lockdown at 14 and emerged at 16. They have missed out on the gradual process of dating and learning boundaries within a relationship. They are far more likely to develop healthy attitudes to sex and boundaries if we normalise it in a safe environment.

Lolalime · 27/02/2022 17:18

Nope. And the alternative for my now adult children was not to become lying teens shagging on park benches or wherever you think they will do it. We had other boundaries and open conversation and now that they are adults they appreciate that they were not given free reign just because it was legal and just because all their friends were allowed.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 27/02/2022 17:29

It would be a no from me.

PonyPatter44 · 27/02/2022 17:32

When my DDs boyfriend stayed over (they were 17 and 18) , I used to tap on the bedroom door to say goodnight to them, and in my best Mrs Doyle voice add, "Don't be doing the noisy sex now!". Apparently it made them both cringe so hard, sex was the last thing on their minds

WalkingOnTheCracks · 27/02/2022 17:34

Yes, we're okay with it. Proper relationship and all that. Contraception sorted. Extra milk and bacon bought for cereal and sandwiches in the morning.

When parents are against it, it seems to me that they're saying, "Well, you might be having sex, but not in my house. An alley off the high street was good enough for me and your mother, and it never did us any harm."

What they're absolutely not doing, I'm sure, is stopping sex happening at all.

Flexitarian · 27/02/2022 17:34

Both over 16 and in a six month relationship? I’d be ok with that, as long as her mum is comfortable and knows where she is.

girlmom21 · 27/02/2022 18:14

@PonyPatter44

When my DDs boyfriend stayed over (they were 17 and 18) , I used to tap on the bedroom door to say goodnight to them, and in my best Mrs Doyle voice add, "Don't be doing the noisy sex now!". Apparently it made them both cringe so hard, sex was the last thing on their minds

This is fantastic

Ragwort · 27/02/2022 18:44

It's a ridiculous comment to say 'it depends if you want to stay close to your DC' as a deciding factor in whether or not you allow their BFs/GFs to stay over .

I never had BFs staying over, I am close to my DPs, my DS has never had a GF stay over ... we have a good relationship.

My friend grew up in a very laissez faire household - she was allowed BFs to stay over ... she is NC with her parents. I think whether or not you end up close to your adult DC depends on a lot more than whether you permitted sleepovers or not.

Some parents seem desperate to be seen as 'cool'.

ConsuelaHammock · 27/02/2022 18:49

If your children are already having sex at 16/17 then I suppose a sleep over makes absolutely no difference. I have an almost 17 year old daughter. Personally I would feel that I had failed her as a mother if she was having sex at such a young age. I managed to wait until I was 22, I’m sure she’ll be fine without being sexually active for a few years yet, with all the associated risks.
There was a thread recently about men abstaining from sex if they didn’t want to risk being a father. Is your 17 year old ready to deal with an unexpected pregnancy? Is his 16 year old girlfriend?

ConsuelaHammock · 27/02/2022 18:50

Some parents seem desperate to be seen as 'cool

I agree Ragwort!

ThatsBullshirt · 27/02/2022 19:03

I'm not sure how allowing your DC's gf/bf to sleepover automatically means you're giving the go ahead for sex in your house? There were many times I had my bf (now DH) stay over at my parents house from the age of 16 to 22 when I moved out of their house and in with him that didn't result in sex! In fact we'd been together for two and a half years before we actually had sex. Also, if you are allowing your DC to have their gf/bf over at all but especially when you are not home during the day then there's plenty of opportunity then. Teenagers aren't only having sex at night.

To be honest, while teenagers may seem young they are legally allowed to have sex after the age of 16 so as parents all we can do is try to have open communication about consent, contraception and the risk of pregnancy. Teens will do what they want, especially when they are dealing with raging hormones. I don't think whether you allow a sleepover at your house is going to change whether or not sex will happen but having good communication could make the difference between them being safe or not.

Bin85 · 27/02/2022 20:07

Condoms alone are not enough!!

user1493494961 · 27/02/2022 20:45

Yes, but I'd put my ear plugs in.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 27/02/2022 20:59

Some of my friends allowed this from a young age and they are now in the situation of having their late 20’s DC living with them as well as the boyfriend/girlfriend who unofficially also lives there.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 28/02/2022 08:28

@CrimbleCrumble1

Some of my friends allowed this from a young age and they are now in the situation of having their late 20’s DC living with them as well as the boyfriend/girlfriend who unofficially also lives there.

So you're saying that allowing sex in the house leads to children not leaving home. And that not allowing sex in the house is the way to avoid this. Kids only get their own place so that they can shag at will.

This is worth following up. I suggest that you get the Health Minister together with the Housing Minister to see whether they can come up with some social policy that leverages your research in an effort to solve the property crisis.

Ragwort · 28/02/2022 08:36

Good point Crimble and you only have to read the threads on here about how many BFs/GFs seem to move in by stealth ..... it's not just about the sex but do you want other young adults potentially staying over night frequently, not leaving their bedroom, - remember the thread about the GF who didn't go out? The OP's DS was at work or college and the GF just moped around in his bedroom all day - no contribution to the household - either financial or practical.

Some Mumsnetters might be happy living in a glorified student house - I know I wouldn't be

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/02/2022 09:12

@WalkingOnTheCracks

Yes, we're okay with it. Proper relationship and all that. Contraception sorted. Extra milk and bacon bought for cereal and sandwiches in the morning.

When parents are against it, it seems to me that they're saying, "Well, you might be having sex, but not in my house. An alley off the high street was good enough for me and your mother, and it never did us any harm."

What they're absolutely not doing, I'm sure, is stopping sex happening at all.

@WalkingOnTheCracks you sound like a lovely mum but I’m not sure your kids will ever move out! Why would they? They get to sleep together and play at being adults but then get a nice brekkie made for them by mum. No wonder so many mumsnetters have their adult kids living with them until they they are well in their thirties!

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/02/2022 09:17

@Ragwort

Good point Crimble and you only have to read the threads on here about how many BFs/GFs seem to move in by stealth ..... it's not just about the sex but do you want other young adults potentially staying over night frequently, not leaving their bedroom, - remember the thread about the GF who didn't go out? The OP's DS was at work or college and the GF just moped around in his bedroom all day - no contribution to the household - either financial or practical.

Some Mumsnetters might be happy living in a glorified student house - I know I wouldn't be

@Ragwort Exactly! I wasn’t allowed to do that kind of thing when I was that age. My dad worked really really hard and when he came home he wanted to relax and feel comfortable in his own home.

And now I’m the same, work really hard and my home is my sanctuary where I can just kick back. This doesn’t mean that my child cannot have mates over etc.

But the kind of thing that happens at student houses e.g having boyfriends/girlfriend stay over night, not leaving the bedroom, etc etc is just not happening in my house! They can do at uni or in a house share or whatever! The state of some of my uni houses were absolutely shocking when I look back but the benefits in terms of freedom and independence were worth it and so helpful to me developmentally. I do worry a lot of young people today don’t have incentive to ‘slum it’ in the same way. They get to do what they want, when they want, with whom they want - all whilst enjoying the creature comforts of their parents house…why would they ever wanna move out?!

WalkingOnTheCracks · 28/02/2022 09:41

@LuckySantangelo35

@WalkingOnTheCracks you sound like a lovely mum but I’m not sure your kids will ever move out! Why would they? They get to sleep together and play at being adults but then get a nice brekkie made for them by mum. No wonder so many mumsnetters have their adult kids living with them until they they are well in their thirties!

Lovely dad, actually, but thank you.

Well, one of them has moved out, and I suspect the other two will as well, when the time comes. For us, at least, this way of doing things is part of an education, a preparation for life on your own, or with someone else. You know, sharing your space, being responsible, all that sort of thing.

There's a suggestion here that if teenagers can have sex at home then they won't need to move out. The corollary of that is that if they can't have sex at home, they'll move out so that they can. Which strikes me as absolutely the worst reason to shack up with someone, and not one I'd want to encourage.

On the contrary, when my kids move in with someone, I don't want it to be so they can have sex with them - after all, they can do that at mum and dad's - but because they want to establish a home with them, and see whether that works.

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/02/2022 09:49

@WalkingOnTheCracks I get what you are saying but most young people don’t move out to live with a girlfriend or boyfriend do they? They go into student halls or a house share, that kind of thing. So hardly binding themselves to one person in order to have sex with them. They can have sex with lots of different people whilst living in that kind of housing arrangement as is their wont- that’s one of the bonuses of that kind of set-up! Most parents wouldn’t allow that in their home and that is one of the downsides of living at home.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 28/02/2022 09:52

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@WalkingOnTheCracks I get what you are saying but most young people don’t move out to live with a girlfriend or boyfriend do they? They go into student halls or a house share, that kind of thing. So hardly binding themselves to one person in order to have sex with them. They can have sex with lots of different people whilst living in that kind of housing arrangement as is their wont- that’s one of the bonuses of that kind of set-up! Most parents wouldn’t allow that in their home and that is one of the downsides of living at home.[/quote]
So, if I understand you, you don't have any objection to the sex. You just object to them having sex at home. And your objection to that isn't the sex itself, it's that they might never leave.

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/02/2022 10:00

@WalkingOnTheCracks No I think it’s a bit of both. But mainly that I don’t want my house turning into a student house type situation. Teens under the age of 18 don’t NEED to have sex with each other. They can do without until they have the means to be able to do it not in a parents house. If they can’t manage that they’re probably too young to have sex.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 28/02/2022 10:12

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@WalkingOnTheCracks No I think it’s a bit of both. But mainly that I don’t want my house turning into a student house type situation. Teens under the age of 18 don’t NEED to have sex with each other. They can do without until they have the means to be able to do it not in a parents house. If they can’t manage that they’re probably too young to have sex.[/quote]
I guess we'll have to disagree.

But, as I say, our eldest did move out, because he wanted a place of his own - or at least a shared place with friends - and not because he wanted to have sex with his girlfriend.

My daughters have their boyfriends staying over - not random blokes - and I'm sure they'll move out too. One will be going to University next year, and I hope she sustains her relationship with her current bloke, who's a lovely guy, and who makes breakfast for all of us when he's here.

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/02/2022 10:15

@WalkingOnTheCracks
Obviously I’m not saying that the whole reason for young people to move out is to have sex 😂 that’s just one of the many positives of moving out of the parental home and becoming an adult