Page 3 | Should I let 17 year old DS’s girlfriend sleepover?

walkingoneggshell · 2022-02-26T17:24:23+00:00

Posted this in teenagers but no replies and I could do with some advice quickly. He’s 17 and a half and she’s 16. They’ve been together about 6 months and she’s lovely. He asked if she can stay tonight as they want to go somewhere together tomorrow. He’s my first born so feeling a bit unsure. I know they have sex and we’ve had a chat about respect and contraception. My mum never have let my boyfriend’s sleep in the same room as me even when I was at university and I remember it made me feel awkward, but obviously they’re younger than I was then. Just not sure what to think.

Doratheexploret · 26/02/2022 19:24

I would let her stay over but not in the same room.

Oblomov22 · 26/02/2022 19:32

But why aren't they comfortable with it?

It may not be casual. Or it needn't be. It could be a loving relationship that has developed. If he's 17 1/2 he's perfectly entitled after the age of 16 to have sex. If she's past 16 she is too. it is highly likely that is her first a sexual encounter, and presumably she lost her virginity to OP's Ds. Open post says they're having sex, so she knows they're having sex, so why would you want them to have sex anywhere else unsafe if you already know they are actually having sex. Dangerous place? outside? somewhere else? in the park? Surely your concern is that you want them to be safe and we are better than under your own roof?

sweetbellyhigh · 26/02/2022 19:35

@Oblomov22

But why aren't they comfortable with it?

It may not be casual. Or it needn't be. It could be a loving relationship that has developed. If he's 17 1/2 he's perfectly entitled after the age of 16 to have sex. If she's past 16 she is too. it is highly likely that is her first a sexual encounter, and presumably she lost her virginity to OP's Ds. Open post says they're having sex, so she knows they're having sex, so why would you want them to have sex anywhere else unsafe if you already know they are actually having sex. Dangerous place? outside? somewhere else? in the park? Surely your concern is that you want them to be safe and we are better than under your own roof?

Because everyone is different and they don't have to justify their rules to you.

Hoppinggreen · 26/02/2022 19:38

17 year old DD has a lovely BF the same age.
They stay at each others houses but in a different room.
It’s just what me and the BFs Mum are comfortable with and that’s it

1987qwerty · 26/02/2022 19:39

I'd say yes but remind them l'm a light sleeper with excellent hearing.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 26/02/2022 19:41

I'm going against the grain. If I was still raising kids, now young adults, I'd say no. That is because my experience is that once becomes weekly, then most days, then before you know it you are providing for extra kids living in your house

I had a BF for most of my sixth form.We stayed over at each other's houses at the weekend/ in the holidays.

No weekday sleepover certainly weren't loving together.

DearlyBeloathed · 26/02/2022 19:42

@Bagelsandbrie

Nope. We had / have a no boyfriends / girlfriends rule at our house. They can do all that in their own homes or at university thanks.

Sounds very welcoming …

Thecazelets · 26/02/2022 19:42

I think it has to be up to you. We've always had a rule with our teenagers that there are no sleepovers of this nature until both parties are 18 and legally adults. It might be legal for them to have sex from 16, but we're simply not comfortable with it at that age in our house. Other parents we know have done things differently, and that's completely up to them.

Bagelsandbrie · 26/02/2022 19:45

@DearlyBeloathed you can be extremely welcoming without letting them have sex in your house.

Lollypop701 · 26/02/2022 19:48

I have had a chat with mine… contraception must be used and I’m not ready to be an involved nana so if he becomes a parent he will be parenting not me, over 6 months, no randoms ever, if I hear anything it’s a huge issue and treat your partner with respect. But if not at their home, then where? Outside? 🤢 they are young people moving to adulthood. Sex is normal, why are we so embarrassed about it?

LuaDipa · 26/02/2022 19:48

@Thecazelets

I think it has to be up to you. We've always had a rule with our teenagers that there are no sleepovers of this nature until both parties are 18 and legally adults. It might be legal for them to have sex from 16, but we're simply not comfortable with it at that age in our house. Other parents we know have done things differently, and that's completely up to them.

I’m pretty laid back with my kids but I’m of this opinion too. A girlfriend/boyfriend could stay but in the spare room. It would be different if they were both 18 but I wouldn’t want to be responsible for a 16 y/o child having sex under my roof.

Fantasea · 26/02/2022 19:48

OP, I would sort out in my own mind my expectations going forward after this weekend. Is this a one-off as they have an outing tomorrow or will this be every Saturday? Then will it be every Friday and Saturday so you have your DS's gf here all weekend. If you're happy with this, then that of course is fine. Another thing to consider, how you handle this will set the tone for the future - it may be that this gf is lovely and you're very fond of her. The next one may be someone who don't want in your home (for whatever reason) and as you said yes before it is tricky.

ThatsBullshirt · 26/02/2022 19:49

I think it's really up to you. I do think that if they are 16 & 17 and you know they are already having safe sex then I'm not sure why you wouldn't let her stay so long as her parents were okay with the arrangement.

When I was a 16/17 I used to have my boyfriend to stay (in a different room) about every month or so, occasionally staying at his. My parents started to let us share a room (before his parents did) when we were about 17 turning 18, including sharing a hotel room on a family trip. We didn't actually have sex though until we were both 18 and had been together for 2+ years because I wasn't ready for that and now I'm married to him with two kids (that were born in our late twenties!) and we've been together for almost 17 years.

I don't know how I'll feel when our kids are that age but I think if they are already having sex I'd much rather know they were safe in my house. Also, there is every chance that on this night they will just be sleeping so that they are actually rested for wherever they are going tomorrow...

Ragwort · 26/02/2022 19:50

No, my DS has never asked if a GF could stay overnight, I know he stayed at a GF's house once when he was 17 but I knew the parents, they called me and made it very clear he was staying on the sofa .

I just think it is too much too young and makes it all very intense and serious, a friend of mine was very 'cool' initially about BFs staying overnight with her DD but then it got to the stage when she had a series of different BFs and it was a bit late to start saying 'how serious is the relationship?' and she got fed up with meeting young men in her kitchen for breakfast .

Agree with others, 'staying overnight' with someone is a privilege when you start paying for your own home.

You only have to read the many threads on here about BFs/GFs who seem to move in by stealth because it is all made so easy and comfortable.....

Oblomov22 · 26/02/2022 19:52

When and where are pre Uni dc having sex then? Safely. What proportion of uni starters at freshers week are virgins?

Ragwort · 26/02/2022 19:56

I managed to have sex pre Uni without having 'sleepovers' at home ... my DPs certainly didn't ask 'where?' .....

Bagelsandbrie · 26/02/2022 19:57

@Ragwort

No, my DS has never asked if a GF could stay overnight, I know he stayed at a GF's house once when he was 17 but I knew the parents, they called me and made it very clear he was staying on the sofa

.

I just think it is too much too young and makes it all very intense and serious, a friend of mine was very 'cool' initially about BFs staying overnight with her DD but then it got to the stage when she had a series of different BFs and it was a bit late to start saying 'how serious is the relationship?' and she got fed up with meeting young men in her kitchen for breakfast .

Agree with others, 'staying overnight' with someone is a privilege when you start paying for your own home.

You only have to read the many threads on here about BFs/GFs who seem to move in by stealth because it is all made so easy and comfortable.....

All of this.

So many posters assuming those who say no are embarrassed about sex. It really isn’t about that at all.

My mum was very liberal and basically the minute I turned 18 she let me bring whoever I wanted back, as long as they were a boyfriend and I think it led to me having some much more intense and heavier relationships with losers who if I’d had to make more effort to see them outside of my own house it might have fizzled out quicker - I would have seen their failings faster. I also ended up moving my dds dad in at 22 and that was another disaster- if my Mum had put her foot down we would have been forced to find our own place and again I would have realised what a shit bag he was and also been able to return to the safety of my family home - free of him. (As it happens I left him when dd was 6 months old).

These are the reasons I do things differently with my own dd. We have a close and great relationship but I will never have a teenager having boyfriends or girlfriends overnight.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2022 20:04

@Oblomov22
Some parents are just not comfortable with it. And that’s fine, it’s their prerogative. They pay the bills they can set the rules.
And all the talk of ‘safety’, ‘rather them do it under my roof’ just sounds a bit indulgent. I mean do you really think your son/daughter would just shag on a street corner if you permitted them from having sex in your house?

Moonface123 · 26/02/2022 20:10

My son was 17 when l allowed his first girlfriend, who is a year older to stay over, they have been together almost four years now, but tend to stay more at hers.

Oblomov22 · 26/02/2022 20:14

LuckySant, so where are they? Regularly having sex, then? What safe places?

ISpyCobraKai · 26/02/2022 20:22

I allowed Dd and her Bf, they've just celebrated 5yrs together and have lived together for over two, they're 20 and 21.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2022 20:22

@Oblomov22 Dunno. Must happen though cos you don’t find thwarted teens shagging in every park and street corner do you?
Also…They don’t HAVE to have sex at 16/17 you know, lots might be in a relationship but not have sex until they’re a bit older and got the means to do it outside of their childhood bedroom.

mizzo · 26/02/2022 20:23

My parents were happy for me to stay out anywhere but I wasn't allowed to bring anyone back.
I'm happy for my DC to have girlfriends/boyfriends over as long as they've been together a while, I know they're staying and we've met them. I don't want strangers staying over.

Hankunamatata · 26/02/2022 20:28

Yeah me and ex were at it like bunnies at that age. Both sets of parents refused to let us sleep over, ever and we were together until 23. It was utterly stupid as we literally had sex in bf bedroom all the time while his parents were downstairs even when his mum insisted on the door being open lol

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2022 20:28

@mizzo

My parents were happy for me to stay out anywhere but I wasn't allowed to bring anyone back. I'm happy for my DC to have girlfriends/boyfriends over as long as they've been together a while, I know they're staying and we've met them. I don't want strangers staying over.

@mizzo That was the case for me too. I was allowed to go to parties, sleepovers, etc just not bringing a boyfriend back to my parents house (or on the odd time I did when I was at uni which would have been a planned visit as boyfriend will have lived in a different county and they had to sleep in another room to me or on a sleeping bag on the floor)