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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I let 17 year old DS’s girlfriend sleepover?

126 replies

walkingoneggshell · 26/02/2022 17:24

Posted this in teenagers but no replies and I could do with some advice quickly.
He’s 17 and a half and she’s 16. They’ve been together about 6 months and she’s lovely. He asked if she can stay tonight as they want to go somewhere together tomorrow. He’s my first born so feeling a bit unsure. I know they have sex and we’ve had a chat about respect and contraception. My mum never have let my boyfriend’s sleep in the same room as me even when I was at university and I remember it made me feel awkward, but obviously they’re younger than I was then. Just not sure what to think.

OP posts:

Bagelsandbrie · 26/02/2022 18:24

(I mean when they live on their own)!

TheSnowyOwl · 26/02/2022 18:25

[quote walkingoneggshell]@Laiste yes her mum has text me to say she’s happy for her to stay.[/quote]
Then yes, I would agree to it.

Dinosaurwoman · 26/02/2022 18:26

Make sure there’s plenty of condoms available

GeneLovesJezebel · 26/02/2022 18:27

I said no as I didn’t want a string of different girls staying at my house.
And I had a younger DD.

Oblomov22 · 26/02/2022 18:30

I can't believe I'm reading some of these posts. They are allowed to have sex at the age of 16. In OP's case they already are. I can't accept some posters stance.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2022 18:30

It’s about what you’re comfortable with really OP.

I was never allowed boyfriends over at that age. When I went off to uni and would come back to my parents house for a visit with a boyfriend we wouldn’t be able to share a bed. I was mildly disgruntled at the time but ultimately respected it was their house, their rules. I didn’t have a teen pregnancy, shag in a park or something as couldn’t do it under parents roof and didn’t grow up to have a weird repressed attitude towards sex.

It’s completely up to you and what you are comfortable with OP!

MoiraNotRuby · 26/02/2022 18:32

Its a tricky one. But if they weren't romantically involved, would you allow a sleepover, and if so, what's the difference?

One of my DC is bi, has always had friends sleep over, and I'm not sure how this is going to work with romantic partners... I would be a hypocrite if I said my straight child couldn't have an opposite sex friend to sleep over. This means either DC can have anyone to stay over, but as their bedrooms are currently very small, the sleepovers happen in the lounge.

Change123today · 26/02/2022 18:33

Similar timescales & ages when we let daughters boyfriend first stay over. We did put certain rules in place (ie not every night or weekend!) I think we alternated it between each parents house one night a week during school terms and a couple nights when on holiday. They split up and during the time she was single we didn’t have any random boys staying over!

She’s now over 18 nearly 19 in another relationship. When she home from uni they pretty much alternate staying at ours or his - if I banned him she would probably never be home!

puffyisgood · 26/02/2022 18:35

no, no, no. it's not that you'd be saying yes to sex, it's that you'd be saying yes to pseudo-matrimony/living together, which they're far too young for, should mostly be knocking around with friends at that age.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2022 18:36

@Bagelsandbrie

Nope. We had / have a no boyfriends / girlfriends rule at our house. They can do all that in their own homes or at university thanks.

@Bagelsandbrie That was absolutely my parents’ attitude. And it was fine. Their house, their rules. I think if young people get everything they want it can stop them striving to move out and live independently and adult. Living independently comes with perks that you have to work for e.g being able to have whoever you want stay over whenever you want and in whatever capacity

Bagelsandbrie · 26/02/2022 18:40

@LuckySantangelo35 exactly. My 19 year old dd is at university now, out clubbing every night, no doubt having boyfriends and sleeping with people (safely I hope!) and that’s great. I want her to enjoy herself - just not have sex in my house! There’s just no need for it. It doesn’t damage your relationship with your children to say no sometimes.

StripeyDeckchair · 26/02/2022 18:47

I think you have take into consideration who else is in the household -especially younger siblings.

Ultimately I'd rather they were open about their relationship & safe in my home.

But I have rules

no weekday sleepovers.
I expect to be told in advance
must be in a relationship, no one night stands

I have 2x 18 & 2 still at primary school so am trying to balance very different ages

Blossom64265 · 26/02/2022 18:50

Nope.

Overnights are for people who have moved out and are paying bills. That is the signal that he is mature enough to handle the emotional intimacy of moving the relationship to overnight status. It’s also more likely that they would both be able to deal with the emotional fallout of an unintended pregnancy. Yes, one could occur now, but actively facilitating the situation is different than acknowledging it exists.

queenMab99 · 26/02/2022 18:52

My sons were over 20 when this came up, and I wouldn't have deemed of banning them from sleeping with a girlfriend, but I always made sure there was a spare room available to give her the choice.

OkayCoral · 26/02/2022 18:53

I never thought I’d allow this but my 17 yo sons gf is here a lot overnight and he stays at her house also. I was happy with it as long as her mum was. We’ve had all the relationship talks. They’ve been together 18 months.

penelopequiche · 26/02/2022 18:55

Seems fine to me. In a relationship, above the age of consent, mum knows and he's asked. Really wouldn't be a problem for me, not unreasonable to want to spend a night together as the relative develops. You sound as though you have a great relationship with your son too which is brilliant.

jellybe · 26/02/2022 18:56

I know at that age I was secretly pleased that my parents didn't allow bfs to stay over. It gave me space from them and stopped anything becoming too intense because we never played house.

At the end of the day it has to be what you are happy with in your home.

Curiousmouse · 26/02/2022 18:56

I'm going against the grain. If I was still raising kids, now young adults, I'd say no. That is because my experience is that once becomes weekly, then most days, then before you know it you are providing for extra kids living in your house.

raspberryjamchicken · 26/02/2022 18:57

I've always thought I would be very open-minded about this but as my daughter is getting older I am more and more freaked out at the idea of her having boyfriends sleeping over! However, after 6 months together and over 16, I think it is reasonable to let his girlfriend stay. I will still be inwardly horrified when it eventually happens here though!

SouperNoodle · 26/02/2022 18:57

I'd say yes but put in a boundary of no more than once/twice a week because I can guarantee, they'll start taking the piss

fallfallfall · 26/02/2022 18:58

i'm not comfortable with other's having sex in my house. guest or family.
kissing +, okay but actual piv just a step too far.
not to mention how awkward it is, family watching a movie two upstairs and everyone "knows" what's going on.
too much like voyeurism for me...
then there is the morning conversation....did you sleep well??
best avoided.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2022 19:10

@Oblomov22

I can't believe I'm reading some of these posts. They are allowed to have sex at the age of 16. In OP's case they already are. I can't accept some posters stance.

@Oblomov22 Why? Why can’t you accept?

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2022 19:12

@Oblomov22 Teens don’t have a god given right to have sex in their parents house if their parents aren’t comfortable with it

BuddhaForMary · 26/02/2022 19:13

Yes.

Darbs76 · 26/02/2022 19:15

I’d say yes.

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